Social Question

livelaughlove21's avatar

Is there such a thing as being TOO comfortable with your partner?

Asked by livelaughlove21 (14620 points ) February 6th, 2013 from iPhone

Do you and your SO feel free to burp, fart, urinate, and even defecate around each other? If so, why do you think that is? If not, how do you feel about couples that do this? Is this being a bit too comfortable?

My dad has always been the type to let one loose at random times and no one ever acknowledges it; business as usual. I also know a couple that thinks it’s funny to burp and fart around each other and I’m pretty sure they don’t bother closing the bathroom door if it’s just them in the house – even if they’re not just peeing.

My husband and I have never (and will never) do this. I’ve never even done these things around my family, let alone someone I have sex with. I once accidentally burped in front of him and he said I turned red as a beet. I just don’t see why I’d need to be that open with anyone, even my husband. I’d like to keep some mystery in our marriage, so to speak.

Thoughts?

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43 Answers

cookieman's avatar

We don’t purposely do those things in front of each other – but after many years together, it’s bound to happen. We make a point of being polite about it (say excuse me, cover your mouth, shut bathroom doors) – but still, life gets messy and if you can’t be comfortable around the love of your life, who can you be?

blueiiznh's avatar

Fable has it that the Honeymoon is over when you are happily brushing your teeth at the bathroom sink and you SO comes in and takes a dump.

just sayin

JLeslie's avatar

I am basically the same around my husband as I was with my sister growing up regarding these things. We would pee in front of each other, burp, etc. When we did “more than pee” we usually had more privacy, but if privacy was difficult it wasn’t catastrophic. I had friends who would pee without closing the bathroom door right in front of me. A camp I went to one summer the bathroom stalls had no doors.

My husband sees me naked, he was there when I was freaking out as my tubal pregnancy was aborting and blood clumps were in the toilet. I don’t want my husband to be freaked out by bodily functions. I think it is nice to keep things to some extent private, but I also like it being no big deal. It’s like his body is mine in a way and vice versa.

I am not loud about these things though. My husband will burp loud, in my opinion on purpose, and it pisses me off. A little care for me being in the room would be nice, but I don’t feel he needs to actually excuse himself to the bathroom if he has gas.

Sunny2's avatar

When illness and incapacity enters your lives, privacy is gone. When one is unable to perform life’s physical necessities alone, the other helps. So hold on to your privacy as long as you can, but be ready to forget all that if you’re needed to help and don’t be squeamish. It’s all a part of life.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Yes, we’re one of those couples. I think there is nothing wrong with it, I think all that stuff about how we can’t do that around each other is made up and doesn’t really make sense. That sort of ‘let’s keep a mystery’ around certain things is kind of ridiculous because peeing and pooping and farting are not mysteries, they’re realities. If only couples gave two craps more about actually growing together and inspiring each other. You’ve got people wasting more energy on not having anyone see them poop than doing something to spice things up or bring passion into their relations, etc.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@Sunny2 Of course health concerns would trump any modesty. I’m talking about two relatively healthy people that can help it. And neither of us are squeamish about bodily functions, we just see no need to be so blatant about it.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir The mystery comment was tongue-in-cheek, not meant to be literal. And I’m not sure how farting loudly in front of my husband and laughing about it is growing, inspiring, or spicing things up. I’m also not sure how not doing it prevents those things. It’s not as if we spend a heap of energy holding these things back.

wildpotato's avatar

We’re one of those couples. We feel free about our bodily functions because we don’t find them offensive, if taken care of cleanly and reasonably, of course. I’ll say something teasingly-annoyed if he farts in my general direction because he happens to be sitting near me and forgets to shift first, but I’m not angry or disgusted or anything. Human farts don’t smell much unless the human has a crappy diet.

Crumpet's avatar

I was with my ex for 3 years.
We were showing together and a pee’d in the shower, and then pee’d on her leg because i thought it would be hilarious.

Bellatrix's avatar

We don’t deliberately fart or burp in each other’s presence but if it happens, it’s not a big deal. Similarly, we don’t close doors but we would usually wait until we are alone if we are going for a crap. It the other person walked in, it wouldn’t be a big deal but we try to give each other some privacy. We have an en suite and my husband is usually up before me, so he goes to the other bathroom in the morning. He can make as much noise/smell as he wants without being at all concerned about the effect on me.

Seek's avatar

Well, my husband was present while I expelled a 10½ lb child from my vagina, and then proceeded to nearly bleed to death from the same orifice.

Safe to say that the human bodily function phobia phase is long behind us.

The human body has natural functions. It’s not something to fear or be ashamed of. It’s just a sign that our bodies are functioning as normal.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@Seek_Kolinahr If that’s all it is, why do we have doors on bathrooms and social norms that tell us letting one loose in public isn’t acceptable? Are you this open with everyone or just your partner?

I suspect it’s just with your partner and, if that’s the case, more power to you, but not doing it has nothing to do with the fear of bodily functions. An accident is one thing – big deal, it happens. However, is there any real reason to purposefully and loudly burp or fart just because our bodily functions are natural? Sex and masturbation is natural but most of us don’t do it in public. I’m not sure what people are eating that they cannot control these functions, but I’ve never had a hard time not farting, burping, or shitting with my husband standing right there. Maybe I’m so used to “holding it in” since I learned basic social etiquette that it comes naturally, but I feel like it would take active effort to lean over on the couch and fart just for the hell of it.

And perhaps I’m biased because of the family I grew up with, but there’s nothing endearing about a man standing in the kitchen and farting, then laughing, or burping obnoxiously and then saying “tastes like chicken” as if that’s funny. Bathroom humor is immature and it’s just not funny. My husband and I are loud, annoying, goofy, and gross when we’re alone together just like any other established long-term couple, but farting and burping on purpose in front of each other just isn’t part of that.

jonsblond's avatar

We’re the same as @Bellatrix. We aren’t Terrance & Phillip, but we don’t make it a big deal or try to hide it. It’s natural. Farting in front of my husband for the past 21 years has not hurt our relationship one bit. Farting and burping have nothing to do with keeping spice in your relationship. They are two separate things. I’m curious, how do you handle a fart when having sex? Has that happened to you before? It’s happened to me once or twice and I just giggle because I was slightly embarrassed. (oops. I see what you wrote about accidents. you don’t have to answer)

One thing I do have trouble with is pooping in front of anyone, husband or children. When children are younger, there isn’t a day that goes by where they don’t walk in on you in the bathroom, so there is no privacy during those times. Once children are old enough to not barge in, I’m more comfortable with privacy. I get stage fright with an audience.

Seek's avatar

@livelaughlove21 I don’t find it comical. If it happens, it happens. It doesn’t occur to me to be offended or amused by someone else’s digestive reflexes.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@jonsblond Nope, I’ve never farted during sex. Or queefed for that matter. I’m not sure how I’d react – I’d be embarrassed for sure, moreso than any other time.

Mariah's avatar

Maybe it is because many of my bodily functions are disordered, but I don’t view this as a bad thing at all. I don’t want my boyfriend putting me up on some inhuman pedestal expecting me to be the picture of sexiness. Be real: people poop, people fart, yes even girls – if you’re in a relationship with me then I want you to view me as a person, not hold unrealistic expectations.

My digestive tract is extremely disordered and sometimes something gross is gonna happen and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’d hate to feel like I had to hide that reality of my life away from a person who is supposed to love and accept me.

I mean, I still have shame. You’ll never catch me pooping in front of him. Hell, I don’t even like to poop with him in my apartment because noises. I desire privacy, but I desire that for my sake, not his, because he’s not judging me. I had a lot of insecurity when starting a relationship because of the “gross” factor of my body and its issues. But it was me that thought my body was gross, not him. He even went so far as to point out things that are gross about himself so that I wouldn’t feel as insecure. He pees in front of me, and if he has to poop while I’m showering he’ll just ask me to draw the curtain. I appreciate that he has been so open because it helps me to feel like I don’t have to hide as much as my instinct tells me to do.

I dunno. I don’t want to feel tense around him, and that’s how I’m gonna feel if I view a natural bodily function that could spring up at any time as a major embarrassment.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@Mariah I’m never uncomfortable around him. As I said, I don’t have a hard time keeping these functions to myself. And I don’t sit around and worry about it. There’s never been an issue.

And I should’ve made it clear that, like you said, I don’t keep these things private because I’m worried he’ll be grossed out. I do it because I feel these things are private and I feel more comfortable shitting alone and not farting loudly just for the hell of it. It’s my own modesty, not me being polite to him. There’s a door on our master bathroom for a reason. I use it. And as for having to use the bathroom when someone is in the shower, having 3 bathrooms comes in handy.

Mariah's avatar

Whatever you choose is fine. I hope my answer didn’t come across as saying anything differently. It’s just that my attitude in my relationship is very different from yours. Now I realize the question may have been asking about your situation, not how we handle this in our own lives, so my answer may have come across wrong. Sorry about that.

jonsblond's avatar

@livelaughlove21 Three bathrooms definitely help. I haven’t had an extra bathroom in the house since I lived with my parents, and that was over 22 years ago. In an emergency, I have used the toilet when my husband or children are in the shower. There is no other choice for us.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@Mariah Oh no, I was asking for opinions. I didn’t take offense.

I just wasn’t expecting to have so many people think it’s wrong not to do these things in front of your partner. I figured it was more of a preference, not something that indicates the strength of a relationship. Whoulda thunk it? :) Not referring to you here; just in general on this thread.

jonsblond's avatar

I’m sorry, but I had to share this funny pic I just saw on facebook. Farts can be funny. :)

KNOWITALL's avatar

My husband and I do not. Well, sometimes he does, but I do not, and I don’t think it’s funny when he does. We also have two bathrooms, so no we don’t leave them open to defecate or anything.

*Although he did try to tea-bag me while I was intently watching a movie the other night- lol, I can’t help but laugh sometimes at his pranks.

Bellatrix's avatar

Actually @jonsblond brings up an important point. After you have been through pregnancy, especially if you have to go through the public system, for at least a good while afterwards any feelings of prudery are gone. “What you want to look at my vagina? No problem! You want your whole team of student doctors to see too? Great, bring them on over!” And children don’t care about doors or your desire for privacy. In fact, a closed door is too tempting for a child to ignore. They MUST see what you are doing in there on your own. The desire to crap or pee alone does eventually resume as they get older but for a few years, the likelihood of it happening without an interruption can be a rarity.

Seek's avatar

^ Ain’t that the truth. All of it.

I had the entire neonatal staff of the teaching hospital in my room. Shocked faces as far as the eye could see.

livelaughlove21's avatar

I’m sure kids are tempted to barge in on their parents in the bathroom. I’ve lived with kids and I find that the locking mechanism on the door seems to work wonders.

I’m not sure if I equate birth and medical staff looking at my vagina with farting and shitting around my partner. I get how giving birth gets rid of modesty we have about our naked bodies, but that has little to do with the topic at hand. I’ve probably had my feet in stirrups at the gynecologist more than most 23-year-olds have, I’m not uncomfortable in that situation, and yet I still choose not to fart in front of my husband on purpose.

I’m also not convinced that not farting in front of people makes one a “prude” – as there’s nothing sexual about a fart. For most people, anyways.

JLeslie's avatar

@livelaughlove21 I agree it is not all necessarily related. People compartmentalize these things sometimes. To me it all seems part of the same thing, but I accept it isn’t for you. Does your husband fart and burp and pee in front of you?

Bellatrix's avatar

Prudery is “excessive or affected modesty” and doesn’t have to relate to sex. Pregnancy does relate to sex and these days usually means your partner will be there, in the room with you, while you give birth. If he only gets to see you fart or burp at that time, you will be doing well. If he is put off by you farting in front of him, it might be best to suggest he stays out of the room. As to locked doors being a good barrier, wait until you have a couple of toddlers running around, banging on the door, shouting or screaming at you or sticking their fingers under the door to get in to you. Or since you are the only person there with them, not wanting to leave them unattended while you lock the door to the bathroom.

I don’t think I have seen anyone say they fart or burp in front of their partners on purpose. Most of the responders here do seem to think it’s not something worthy of worrying too much about in terms of healthy relationship issues.

KNOWITALL's avatar

My grandparents were married over 50 years and had six kids and a beautiful life together and they never hesitated to be ‘real’ with each other in any area of their life. That includes burping, farting, open doors, helping gma shower when she got sick or real pregnant, or if one got hurt. When grandma finally got sick & passed away grandpa was right there holding her hand with love shining in his eyes saying he’d do it all over again with her.

The love between two people is between those two people and is the important thing.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@JLeslie Nope, he never has. Our toilet is separated from the rest of our master bath with a 4 ft wall divider thing, so he might pee in there as I do my hair, but it’s almost as if he’s in another room. And he’s never taken a shit with me in the room, which I greatly appreciate. Some things, I feel, are best kept behind closed doors. I love him, but I have no desire to smell his shit.

@Bellatrix Again, it’s not something I worry about, and my relationship is plenty healthy without the farting. And as I said above, I don’t keep these bodily functions to myself for his sake. It’s just our preference.

JLeslie's avatar

@livelaughlove21 So you guys are evenly matched. That’s good.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@JLeslie Yep, works for us. The friends I mentioned in the original question take the whole thing a little too far in my opinion. They’ll fart in the car and wait until the other complains about the smell, sometimes locking the windows to keep it in. And they think this is hilarious. Or they’ll sit on each other and fart, or trap the other one under a blanket so they can’t help but smell it. I just don’t get why that’s funny. I’m not sure I could be sexually attracted to someone that does that and thinks it’s humorous. I’m not 14, and I don’t want to date someone that acts like they are.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@livelaughlove21 No farting and pooping is not what I meant by being inspiring and passion. As to whether or not you spend a lot of energy making sure you poop behind closed doors and how long that takes, who knows…every couple is different…but that kind of thing usually extends to you don’t spend time with me when I’m putting on make up cause that’s a mysterious ‘girl thing,’ same when I’m menstruating, etc etc. There are lots of ways some couples extend the whole ‘you and me come from different planets’ thing and most of the time the ‘mystery’ of body functions is the woman’s thing to own as guys are expected to be uncouth or some shit like that. I hate all that bs, literally.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I’m not sure how you got any of that from what I said. My husband feels the same as I do about this issue and it certainly hasn’t caused any kind of gender divide. How does not farting in front of one another “usually” extrapolate to an issue of men vs. women?

As for makeup and mestruating, I have no clue what the you’re talking about. Spending time together while you’re applying makeup? First of all, after 5 years together, he’s seen me without makeup. No surprises there. Second, I’m not sure why he’d want to be in the bathroom with me while I put on makeup. It’s quite boring and we don’t have any desire to constantly be up each other’s asses at all times. And menstruating is no secret, but I don’t dangle my used tampons in front of his face in an effort to feel closer to him. Again, not sure where you were going with that, so perhaps I’m way off here. At least I hope I am.

The connection to farting must be going over my head.

JLeslie's avatar

@livelaughlove21 I think the point is most of us are in the bathroom at the same time as our spouses at times. Putting on make-up, showering, urinating, brushing our teeth, etc. I sometimes follow my husband into the bathroom to continue a conversation or see where he is in the house.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@livelaughlove21 No, I am not talking about you and your partner, specifically, as a couple, I’m just having a conversation with you. Please don’t get defensive. Obviously, this question of yours you’d answer with a ‘yes’ since you clearly think there is such a thing as couples who are TOO comfortable with each other, in your opinion. I just think there is NO such thing.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I’m not getting defensive, I’m just trying to figure out how a preference on this seemingly minor topic says anything at all about the strength or closeness of a relationship. I must be wrong, because many people here seem to think it’s absurd not to defecate in front of one’s partner.

@JLeslie I guess we just don’t have these issues in our relationship. If I don’t know where he is in the house, I’m not likely to go looking for him. He’s certainly not far. He gets up and gets ready for work at 4AM and gets home after I do, so our bathroom times never overlap. Plus, having 3 bathrooms helps. If we’re having a conversation and he has to pee, I’ll wait the 2 minutes until he gets back to continue talking. We spend a lot of time together, but I’ve never found bathroom breaks to get in the way of that time.

Oh well, to each their own.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@livelaughlove21 Yes, clearly you’re wrong. ~
You sure do tend to extend the argument into an either/or, though – where did you get that everyone thinks that it’s ‘absurd not to defecate in front of their partner.’? I think whether you do or you don’t, it’s not a big deal, for those involved.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir That’s my point. And I didn’t say everyone, I said many.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@livelaughlove21 Okay many…let’s use ‘many’...just because many of us don’t think it’s a big deal to fart, poop or pee in front of our partners (and many other things others think are ‘gross’) doesn’t mean we find it absurd that someone, out there, doesn’t do that with their partner – obviously there are lots of couples who don’t because many people are very uncomfortable with bodily functions (or they’ve been taught it’s a ‘private’ thing), even of people they love. Since that’s common, I do not expect to hear anything but that from most couples.

cookieman's avatar

Ya know what’s a sign of being too comfortable with a partner? Not going the bathroom near them, but on them.

Now that’s too comfortable.

JLeslie's avatar

@livelaughlove21 I am not sure what you mean by the word “issue?” I’ll go ahead and assume you just mean it doesn’t happen in your relationship and not read into it. I have 6 bedrooms in my house, so space doesn’t have anything to do with it. In fact I would say having a large master bathroom makes it more likely I join him in the bathroom at times. In our small one bedroom apartment there wasn’t the space to really do it. I don’t think it has anything to do woth space, because you obviously think it is odd or not for you anyway no matter what.

Leanne1986's avatar

Personally, I like to keep some things to myself and going to the toilet is definitely something I feel the need to do without an audience, no matter who the audience may be. It was years before I farted in front of my boyfriend and that was an accident, it was funny but I wouldn’t make a habit of it. I have a weird thing about farting anyway, I hate farting, even when I am alone I feel a sense of shame when I fart. Not sure why because I have never been told of for doing so and it’s completely natural, even so, I avoid it where possible. Strangely, I find it hilarious when other people fart. Burping is different, I don’t force burps or deliberately do loud burps in front of my boyfriend but if one slips out then that doesn’t bother me at all. I queef during sex all the time. I can’t control that and it doesn’t embarrass me, I giggle and then carry on.

He is definitely more relaxed than I am and, whilst he is not one to constantly fart, if he lets one go then it doesn’t embarrass him at all and I have seen him having a wee many times!

Leanne1986's avatar

Edit: told off (I just noticed that I wrote told of instead of off. Pet hate of mine!)

livelaughlove21's avatar

@JLeslie I didn’t mean “issue” as in “problem” – sorry, I probably could’ve used a better word there. And I don’t necessarily find it odd. It’s just never occurred to me to follow him into the bathroom for any reason.

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