Social Question

franky's avatar

Did you ask your wife/fiance's father for permission before popping the question?

Asked by franky (66 points ) February 13th, 2013

Just wondering if that is still a common practice.

How would one go about finding out if such a gesture would be important to the potential wife and/or her family?

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13 Answers

poisonedantidote's avatar

I think it is a stupid thing to do, that is why I did not do it. People are not the private property of their father.

If you ask, and he says it is ok, it is irrelevant, as you are not trying to marry him, and she still may not want to. If he says no, she may want to, and she will find out from her father, and you may end up getting married anyway because you both want to, and then you look like a two faced asshole for ignoring the father.

Best just ask her directly. Marriage is between two people, not three.

Seek's avatar

I wouldn’t ask permission at all. If the family is on the conservative side (I’m particularly thinking of religious families), it might be a good idea to “state your intent” to the parent(s). “I am going to ask your daughter to marry me, and I’d like to know I have your blessing.”

That way, you’re not asking permission, and SuperDad gets to feel involved in the decision. Ideally, you’d have a good enough relationship with SuperDad that he’d give blessing. If he doesn’t agree, he’ll be very aware there wasn’t any question that your plan is to ask her and not him.

burntbonez's avatar

I might have, had I ever had the opportunity. When I was younger, I don’t think I would have. Now that I’m past midlife, I think I would do that as a gesture of building ties that bind, not because I really think my fiance’s father owns her.

zenvelo's avatar

My ex pretty much hated her father, he was an abusive drunk who, when sober and on his best behavior, liked to throw shit-shots at people. I wasn’t going to ask his permission.

wundayatta's avatar

I did not, and we weren’t planning to. We were going to announce our engagement at Thanksgiving, but he passed away a few days before Thanksgiving, so he never knew.

livelaughlove21's avatar

My husband asked my dad. It wasn’t necessary, but he’s a good ole country boy, and many of them still do this out of respect.

My husband is very close to my dad. They go fishing together every weekend and my dad says he’s the son he never had (his is in prison, so Josh is a huge step up). It was a pretty casual thing, as I’m told, and he just simply asked if my dad would be okay with him asking me to marry him, knowing he would.

I think it’s a cute thing to do, but not a necessity for most families. It’s more common in the South than elsewhere in the US, I’d imagine.

bomyne's avatar

I won’t be asking my girlfriend’s dad before I propose. It’s really none of his business. She’s over 18, I’m over 18, and it’s between the two of us. We don’t even have to tell anyone it’s happening if we don’t want to. (We will through)

Infact, we’d probably skip the whole proposing thing and come to the decision mutually.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@bomyne No proposal? How romantic.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

My husband didn’t technically ask permission, but he did call my mom and tell her that he was planning to propose to me the next day.

elbanditoroso's avatar

I did, but this was 34+ years ago. But he knew that is was coming; I had been dating his daughter for a couple of years and we had lived together as well.

Not that it made a difference. We divorced after a couple years.

mattbrowne's avatar

Of course not. I said to both of my future parents in law: Your daughter and I would like to become engaged. Then waited for their reaction. They both began to smile.

choreplay's avatar

I did, out of respect.

Harold's avatar

No. I said to them afterwards, “We are going to get married and we want your blessing.” There was no option for them to say “No, you’re not”. My mother-in-law cried because she thought my wife was pregnant before marriage…............ (which she wasn’t)

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