If your children are perfectly well behaved and kind, and the come to stay with you a few weekends a month, is there any way to avoid spoiling them?

I think consistency is so important in parenting. And all the better if both parents maintain similar rules, even in divorce.Perhaps even more so in a divorce situation, (to establish security in children). Also to hone the childs expectations of you when they visit. Is it for pizza or fun, or is it for real dad time.That kind of thing.

You are being obtuse. Giving your children healthy food instead of ice cream and pizza isn’t making up rules. Enforcing rules their mother sets isn’t punishing them. This question might as well have been, “Can you tell how much I like undermining my ex-wife?”

Spoiling your children doesn’t do them any favors. You are perfectly capable of choosing not to do so.

@nikipedia do you intend, when you have children, to only give them healthy food? As I said, they tell me their mothers rules, and I enforce them.

I am sorry you are resentful about something. I do not flout my wife’s rules on purpose. I just have extremely well behave children, and rarely find them doing anything that requires discipline.

My grandchildren spend each weekend with me. I have a few rules that are different from their house, and their parents understand that. Rules are different in many places, you don’t act the same way in the grocery store that you act in the library or the bank. They understand that.

I usually discuss where my rules differ from their parents, such as I let them watch more TV and stay up later than they do at home, but everyone is aware of that and ok with it. Also, they aren’t allowed to use swear words at my house, or at school, yet their mother swears all the time, except at my house or at school if she remembers.

To my mind, the main issue isn’t whether or not it’s fair to your ex-wife, but to your children. It’s not cool if they think of mom as the ‘mean’ parent and you as the ‘nice’ one. That’s bad for the kids, let alone your ex-wife.

Now, on to practical matters:

If at all possible, the rules should be the same at each of their parents’ houses. If your kids don’t break them while they’re with you, you’ve certainly got no reason to punish them. But, if they break the rules at their mom’s, and are grounded (no video games, etc.) by her because of it, you should carry on the grounding at your home, too.

Do you only feed them stuff like pizza and ice cream when they’re with you? Or is this like a Friday night ritual, and they get normal food the rest of the weekend? If it’s the former, I’d say that’s not such a great idea. If it’s the latter, no biggie.

When I first saw this question it made me smile. Always wonderful to hear about happy, honest, kind children.

If they are being punished I think you should carry out the punishment, but if overall they are wonderful children I don’t think it is spoiling them by doing things for them they love. It is a form of positive reinforcement. If they were bad often that would just totally suck to have to enforce the punishment the couple days you see them, but luckily that is not the case. If you feel your ex doles out grounding them too often then that also would be difficult. But, it doesn’t sound to me like you are really questioning her parenting.

Why would you make up rules? Your children seem to be rule followers innately. This is a wonderful thing. They obviously have a strong moral compass, a conscience. When they tell you they are being punished, you should reinforce how much you value their honesty.

I do think it is ok to have slightly different rules in each house, but certain fundamentals should be the same. Even married couples the kids have different experiences when they are with daddy for the day alone or mommy, etc.

However, I would not use food as a reward in any consistent way. That’s how people wind up being fat. I am not saying they can’t have ice cream ever, I am only saying don’t connect it to being good.

I think it is almost impossible to not be the parent stuck with doing most of the discipline if the kids mostly spend time with you. Meaning, the parents who is the primary custody holder will most likely wind up being the “mean” one or “strict” one to some extent. Kids tend to behave better with the adults they spend short times with. My nephew would punch his sister, aggravate her, all sorts of things when they were little, but at my house he always helped her, made sure she was ok, played with her. It wasn’t that I was better than their mom in any way, it was that I wasn’t their mom. Wasn’t the person they were with most of the time.

I remember one of the issues noted when I was studying psychology was erratic parenting. Which was apparently worse than laisser faire. The primary components being one of strict discipline verses none at all.

My own child who was not well behaved, like yours by the way, also had this style of parenting. I was strict he dad was not. But suddenly his father would become fervently overly strict and I reckon it was confusing for my son. I would ban certain movies, I would watch age restrictions for example. Whereas his dad would do the opposite. So I felt my work would be undone by the time he came home. For a while we switched roles and my son stayed there. I also fell into the ice cream parent role and I regretted it. As this is what my son expected when he came to me. When the time came to discipline him I felt I had lost some credibility. I just feel those things should come after the groundwork is done.

Let me answer this by telling you my situation. Take from it what you want.

Once in a while, my mother will take the kids for an overnight so my wife and I can have some time together. I started to learn that the benefit we received from having kid-free times in our marriage were not worth it because my mother would attempt to “spoil” them. They eat nothing but crap, are not required to do any cleaning up or chores, are allowed to stay up really late, and hardly get any exercise. This results in kids that are cranky and just feel horrible. They can’t sleep due to the lack of exercise and disgusting carb overload, yet they feel so drained of energy that they are unable to even get themselves ready for school or do their normal activities that make our household work. It takes days before they’re back to “normal”.

So, is it “spoiling” to carb-load my kids and not demand that they get exercise and help with chores? I don’t actually think so. The term “spoil” and kids is rather meaningless, but I think I get the motivation. There’s a desire in my mother to make the time so incredible with her that they remember these days for the rest of their life. In a sense, it’s an attempt to allow the kids to live in a fantasy world of sugar with no worries or concerns, and no obligations to anyone else. I get this.

But here’s the problem – what is it really doing for my kids? It certainly isn’t helping them feel better. I’m talking about physical well-being here. They are crying, exhausted, and have a stomach ache when they return. I know it’s simplistic, but in a way it feels like my mother takes the kids and they all go shoot up for a weekend. By the time we get them back, they are having to go through the early stages of detox, and it isn’t pretty.

Besides the physical component, I have a problem with my mother completely stripping any responsibility from my kids while they are there. At our house, my kids don’t do chores merely to be kept busy. They are learning valuable skills, sure. But they are also learning what it takes for a household to function. They are learning what it means to work cooperatively and for the common good. If they don’t do the dishes, we don’t have clean plates for dinner and therefore can’t eat. For them to expect us to do everything for them is not beneficial to our house and family. And more importantly, having expectations that they contribute has benefits to them as people.

Anyway, I don’t mean to imply that any of this is directly-relevant to your situation, but it came to mind when I read your question.

Maybe it’s time for a long conversation with your ex to come up with concerns you both have and maybe a game plan for finding those areas which are important to both of you. Consistency is rather important for most kids. But there are also times that all rules and responsibilities are thrown out the window.

I believe this is common for shared custody. More so on the side of the parent that has just every other weekend time. You are naturally inclined to make the time with them as positive as possible. You however need to parent first and foremost. You still have to have rules and nurture in consistent ways. They are not your friends, they are your children that you are trying to nurture to even more wonderful and rounded than they are now.
There really is not much detail to go on here. How old are they? Do you have an amicable relationship when it comes to parenting with your ex?
Yes, you have to make rules. You also have to have rules that cross households. If they are in trouble one day in one house, you don’t want them to feel like your house is a safe haven for getting in trouble the days prior to visiting with you.
While I am certain they are wonderful children and deeply loved, when parenting you have to throw away any “rose colored glasses”. When parenting from two houses, you have to work 2000 times harder.
You however need to still be a parent. You need to have an open line of communication and consistency with your ex on topics and on how they are when they are not with you. They have to feel a consistent flow between households. Children will play things differently off parents when in the same house. They will do this even more with shared custody.
If possible, make sure they see and feel consistent parenting between households. Work with your ex all you can to keep good communication visible between you. Tough communication needs to be kept outside their earshot.
This is a time for you to unselfishly work to make their lives as stable as possible, no matter the situation.
When I read between the lines of the question, it feels like there is a gap that needs to be closed on parenting. This is tough. Throw out your ego and do all you can for them. The time you have with them before they soar from the nest is relatively short. Do all you can.
I am sure you are, but take it another level to make certain.

From a parenting viewpoint, you should show a united front with your wife and respect her rules. (Wouldn’t you want her to do the same for you?)

Even though you only see your children a few weekends, you need to remain a parent not become a friend and that includes discipline.

First, I think there is a huge difference between children spending weekends at their grandparents’ house and spending weekends with their other parent. Let’s be honest here, grandparents are not parents and they are not supposed to be parents. To my mind when a kid is spending a weekend with Grandmother and Grandfather, the grandparents shouldn’t have to play the heavy – especially when the kids are well behaved and honest. Of course if the kid does something out of line they need to be called out on it, but no kid should have to sit at the table until they finish their broccoli or carry on a punishment from home at the grandparents’ house because that is missing the whole point of having (and being) grandparents!

The heavy lifting of being a parent falls to the parents – both parents. The non-custodial parent is just as much of a parent as the one who has physical custody. As hard as it might be not to spoil the heck out of the kids when they are with you, it isn’t doing the kids any good.

My kids spend the first three weekends of the month with their father. These are good kids. They are well behaved for the most part and tow the line. When they are with their father they have zero limits. They can play video games, play on their ipods or tablets, eat whatever and whenever they want, sleep all day, argue, fight, bicker, etc. They have no responsibilities to pick up after themselves or for any chores around the house. As a result Sunday and Monday at my house are a struggle for them. They have spent the last 48 hours going a hundred miles per hour and when they get home they run smack into a brick wall. It sucks for them because my husband and I have to ride them harder than usual and they get frustrated. Not to mention as @augustlan said, it makes us the bad parents and him the awesome dad in their minds. That is just not fair to anyone involved. Except of course their father who gets to be the Disneyland dad.

I have learned over the years not to bother with any punishment that will carry over to his house. Expecting him to follow through is a losing battle and not a hill I am prepared to die on. I limit their consequences to things directly within my control.

Holding them to account for their behavior is what is best for the kids. If you and your ex are on good enough terms that she feels like you will enforce her punishments at your house, then you should follow through. If you would rather not have to enforce her punishments let her know. I really don’t see anything wrong with giving them treats – most parents do that. As long as you are parenting and not just indulging them over weekend everything should be fine.

First of all, you asked if you should randomly punish them. Don’t. Unless the mother discusses their misbehavior and asks for you to talk to them about it, don’t put yourself in that position. Only worry about what they do at your house. As for their mothers rules, you should at least respect them or communicate with the mother (assuming you have the type of relationship that you can) and establish some boundaries. If your kids are well behaved, let them know how much you appreciate it. Spoiling them isn’t an issue as long as they know there is a reason behind it.

Just make sure your spoiling of them isn’t to show them that you are the cool parent. Let your kids know how much it means to you that they are well behaved and reward them as you please. You sound like a great dad. Keep up the great work!

I feel like I am missing something. Strict how? Most jellies here are making it sound like he needs to lay down rules the children have to follow just to do it; just to demonstrate being authoritarian with his children. If they already are rule followers, then there are rules so to speak. Rules of life and proper conduct in society both on the micro (family) and macro (our community and in the world) level. The rules when I was growing up were rules everyone followed; adults and children. We learned to conduct ourselves not only by rules told to us, but also by watching our parents. It was more of an expectation from my parents, rather than strong arming me. I realize it depends on the child. And, admittedly I do not have children, so I am going from my own experience as a child, and just baby sitting and observing my friends as parents. Further, I am not questioning anyone’s parenting, just trying to understand, maybe I am just misinterpreting some of the answers here or ot is semantics.

I agree pizza and ice cream all weekend is not ok, and I would even say it even should not be every weekend the kids are with dad, because then it becomes an expectation, I say mix it up, but as a kid I often had what I would consider to be a treat as an adult. I’m not sure that is so bad? My family had a dinner from scratch almost every evening, but we also had cookies around the house some of the time for an afternoon snack and had pizza a couple times a month.

@JLeslie “Rules” in this case might be better restated as “expectations”. Things like, “We don’t hit people”, “Furniture is not for jumping on”, “Clean up after yourself”. Stuff like that.

@augustlan Ok. I am assuming the OP has those expectations, I see no reason not to. It seems like other jellies are assuming he has no rules or is not as rule driven as his exwife.

What would be interesting is if his exwife feels he is undermining her rules or if the children are undisciplined when they return home to her. For now it sounds like some other bunch of women (the women the OP mention in the original post) are just kibitzing. Being critical of the OP when they may not have all the info. They might be projecting their own experience onto the OP’s situation. Their exhusband’s might be the “fun place” for the kids and they resent it.

I think we don’t have enough information. Just the fact @Imadethisupwithnoforethought asked this questions make me think he is willing to do what is best for the situation, for his children and even his exwife.

@SuperMouse, on behalf of grandparents everywhere, right on. He’s not the heavy, he’s your grandfather. Just be consistent, @Imadethisupwithnoforethought. Children do better with consistency, well marked boundaries, rules, lots of love, laughter and spoiling in moderation.

As far as grandparents I think it matters if they are primary caregivers. I am so on board with grandparents being the fun, loving, all accepting place for children. I loved being with my grandparents. My grandpa did indeed take me for ice cream, and most of my time with them was fun and play. But, in families where the grandparents take care of the children regularly, they have to take on more of a “parenting” role.

@SuperMouse I agree in principle, but it depends on the attitude of the mother. My Daughter-In-Law thinks I am ruining her children. She is very dependent on punishment rather than teaching by example, praise and love. I’m just glad they are both in school now and away from that toxic household most of the day.

The very word ‘spoiling’ shows that you think there is something wrong. Being a father is about more than ice cream and pizza. First of all you have to let your children see that you have respect for their mother.

@YARNLADY she is their mother, it is up to her to raise them. I would think that your belief that they are being raised in a too-strict environment would make you want to be more of a spoiling type of grandma.

@SuperMouse Strict is synonomous with punishing? I realize maybe I use all of these words differently than many people.

Does your ex forbid pizza and ice cream? I’m trying to figure out what the problem really is. If they’re prefect, what is there to be strict about?

@nikipedia What make you think Pizza isn’t healthy?