Should I tell my friend, or someone, that his girlfriend was arrested for retail theft?
I apologize in advance for this being so long, but I will be forever grateful if you read all the way through it and make sound, thorough responses
So, I have a friend who is in a relationship with a girl that he met on an online dating site. I have never had a good feeling about this girl since the day I knew she existed. I could write a small book if I went into every detail as to why I never trusted her, but basically, they dated long distance for 4 months before they decided to be in a relationship, she wouldn’t be friends with him on facebook yet put up a picture of the two of them being very couple-like, she claims she is not into facebook to his mom yet still posted regularly, and he has text message screen shots that indicate she was in a relationship with someone else when they met on the dating site. Now, I recently discovered that she was arrested for retail theft at the place where she worked and fired from her job, but I’m not entirely sure that he knows. It occurred about a month and a half after they decided to be in a real relationship, and he moved down there about a month or so after that. Even including when they dated but not in a relationship they had only been together for less than 5½ months when it happened. I don’t know of anyone who would move for someone if they knew they did that, and I’ve definitely asked people if they would. I would think, or like to think, that he’s smarter than that, too, and understand that that is not responsible, mature, selfless behavior for a girl in her mid-20’s who is college educated and supposed to be making a career for herself. If what I put together of her before is true, then it’s totally unreasonable to think she could’ve not told him about it or lied to him about it. I’ve mentioned what I’ve observed before, too, (not the arrest because I didn’t know at the time) and he did not correct me about what I thought or defend her, which also makes me wonder that I might be on to something. It’s a lot of shadiness and something just doesn’t add up to me.
Now, if he were just my friend, I’d probably have no problem saying anything. The problem is that I have feelings for him, as you’ve probably already surmised, and he knows that. I find it very frustrating because in the time that I have known him, he has done things definitely imply he also has feelings for me, such as giving me his credit card information, a computer, learned to golf and joined the gym with me because he was jealous of another guy, dinner with his family, text messages all day long every day, teaching me how to play his computer games, and then going to his house every day to the point where it was just assumed I’d be going over there without him inviting me, and things like that. One might say that he was just keeping me on a hook but that’s a lot to do to keep someone on a hook, and we have never done anything physical, so what would even be the point? Then at my reunion a few months ago, I saw him, and he gave me that unmistakable look of longing, everyone knows what that look is and what it means (and he was in a relationship with her and living with her too when that happened), so you can imagine my frustration of seeing him look at me like a lost love and then running back to her with all of her inconsistencies.
The other thing is that I found out she was arrested and fired because I google searched her in a low moment of mine and my gut instinct about her coupled with my curiosity got the best of me and I found the police report (not even a complicated or long search, just her name and city, it came up on the first page, there was no “hunting” involved). I admit that it looks bad, a bit obsessive, and I’m not really proud of it. It also brought up her LinkedIn profile which had her end date at her job listed as the same time of the arrest, so I think it’s fairly safe to assume that that is what happened. If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s not an armadillo.
So now I don’t really know what to do with the information I know. It’s my own fault for finding it, and now it’s driving me crazy, and has been since I have known (over 2 months now). Part of me really wants to say something because it gets it off my mind and I get to make sure he knows and stop her lying if thats the case. Part of me doesn’t though because while it’s good evidence, it’s not 100% solid. I know I wouldn’t exactly come out smelling like a rose either, but I am less concerned about my image as I am that she may very well be lying to him (and his family for that matter). I also know I shouldn’t save him from his relationships and the only way for him to learn anything is to just let him be screwed. I guess I am just afraid that if I don’t say anything, she will just continue to lie and it may never be discovered. I know that I probably shouldn’t, but would it be so bad if I did? Is not saying anything when you know something the way that people get away with stuff? I am also friends with his cousin, and was thinking of letting her know instead. She would understand, I’d get it off my mind by letting someone know, and I don’t think she’d go running off to the family and tell everyone there either (I don’t want to undermine or try to turn anyone against her). Would that be ok? I just feel that if I say something I can stop thinking about telling someone so it stops driving me crazy.
I’d really appreciate any thorough thoughts on this matter as I have been going over this again and again in my head. I probably know I should do and maybe this is my way of keeping me from doing something dumb. Any thoughts, suggestions, or even alternatives are welcome.
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