What should we teach our young daughters about prettiness?

Praise them for their accomplishments rather than innate characteristics.

Teach them that all people have equal value regardless of looks or smarts or talent or wealth.

Teach them to give back to the community.

That it is skin deep. What lies more deeply inside—knowledge of the world, open-mindedness, charity, respect for others—is far, far more important and enduring.

Don’t assume your children are cisgendered. Don’t even talk about attractiveness.
Educate them about how the media and capitalism conspire to make you feel inadequate and insecure.

The same goes for attractive boys, too – in my observation, children raised with focus on looks or even a talent / ability (music, sports, etc.) wind up with a very limited self-image. When they are adults they seek admiration for those traits and have to compete with others who are also gifted in that area. If they are unable to continue to thrive based on that, they stay stuck in their “glory days” and often lead sad, shallow lives.

It is important that children (and adults) be acknowledged as complete, complex beings with strengths and weaknesses, gifts and faults – because we all have them. It is harder to learn that as an adult, and to realize that everyone has insecurities and questions their self-worth – but the world becomes a very different place once that truth is a part of one’s awareness.

The video in the link you provided sounds like the woman’s mother was basically constantly telling her daughter she isn’t pretty.

Personally I think we should tell our daughter’s they are beautiful, so some man does not beat us to it. In our society girls want to be attractive and leaving the opening for men who want to take advantage of girls is not a good situation.

We should talk about the various types of beauty, inner beauty, and show how much we admire selflessness, integrity, being a good and kind person. Parents need to model it for their children by demonstrating love, kindness, the things that make up inner beauty, so children will aspire to become that type of person.

I’m biased of course but my daughter is gorgeous, she can be quite tomboy-ish & plays football for her school team.
What can I teach her about prettiness? Not a goddam thing, she’s not shallow & has her head screwed on right…unlike daddy-kins.

What should we teach them? That pretty shouldn’t matter, but unfortunately, out in the world, it does. While what they look like is not a measure of who they are as a person, they need to know that they will be judged initially on their looks. We should also teach them to focus on the internal things that will make them smart, creative, fun, caring, etc. That , in my opinion, is what should come first. I just think it’s unrealistic to believe that the world is going to change its stance any time soon on how women are judged. I say this because I think it’s important for young women to go into the world with the full knowledge that judgment regarding their looks will happen and they need to be prepared for that.

As for what it will take to remove the focus from beauty, I wish I knew. All I can come up with is for people to continue to talk about the subject, to discuss the horrible things that some media can do regarding how women look (or “should” look), and for adults to minimize the importance of physical beauty when talking to young people about attributes.

As I posted on facebook when I shared the video: “my daughter is the most beautiful girl in the world. She will never be merely pretty. She is smart and witty and smiles that lights up a room and is happy to meet you whoever you are because she gets to meet you!”

I’m sure Katie Makkai read that poem without wearing make-up and without fixing her hair.

We should be trying to help them to have standards. We should be trying to make them know that the world is not pleased to see them. That they are not needed or included or loved, but that they are ugly and superfluous and ignorant and they should be frightened and meek and grateful. But first you should get them a hat.

We should teach all of our children to do the best with what they have. In other words, keep clean, teeth brushed and hair done. Anyone who is “kept up” will be good looking enough. Also, even though a person might not the the sharpest tool in the shed, they should strive to learn and perfect skills. Also important to work on social skills and personality. That is what we do as parents; teach children to grow and develop all aspects of their lives.

I taught my daughter and sons, and I am now teaching my granddaughter, that they are beautiful. Every single thing about them is beautiful. I always conclude the, “you are the most beautiful person in the world, inside and out,” statement with, “and you are smart and kind. We both know it is better to be smart and kind than beautiful.”

@marinelife Excellent advice. Thanks.

@Pachyderm_In_The_Room Amen to that. Important lessons to impart.

@bookish1 That most assuredly is something they need to know, and won’t intuitively arrive at for decades, if they ever do. Great answer.

@hearkat Yes, boys can get stuck on themselves too. And they’re vulnerable whether they are incredibly handsome, athletically gifted, or brilliant. Parenting is tough work—not at all for the faint of heart.

@JLeslie Yes, it does sound like that was the message Katti’s mom was constantly delivering. Clearly, she’s quite beautiful today, but we can only guess how much of that is thanks to the plastic surgeon’s skill. But the fact is some of us are not born beautiful. Some of us are seriously ugly. The pretty to ugly scale ranges just as the brilliant to retarded scale, and Yeow Ming to Tattoo height scale goes. A handful of us hit the jackpot, most of us are somewhere in-between, and a less fortunate handful wind up in the basement.

I think a parent’s job is to make the most of what’s there, and I’m sure that’s what you tried to do with your children. We get nowhere by convincing them this is Fantasy Island, because unfortunately, it’s not.

@ucme How does a misfit like you get so blessed? Belay that… I’ve been incredibly blessed with my kids too. :-)

@tedibear That’s an excellent answer. The right blend of confidence building, character building and preparation for harsh reality isn’t easy to achieve, but it has to be our parenting target.

@zenvelo Thanks for sharing it on Facebook. And know that I never fault a proud parent for boasting about how wonderful their child is.

@Kropotkin No, and I think asserting that is basically saying, “I completely missed the point she was making.”

@ragingloli Ha! It’s been ages since I’d seen that clip. Thanks for the link. Still laughing.

@Skaggfacemutt At least the basics. Given that, they poor, unfortunate guy in @ragingloli‘s clip would at least have showed up at the clothing shop with well-shined shoes. :-)

@bkcunningham That sounds smart, kind and beautiful.

From my own experience and from things I’ve heard from my friends, no matter what your parents tell you, you’re still gonna feel like you’re not pretty.

@Carinaponcho Maybe. I know I do.

@ETpro I think @bkcunningham wrote what I was trying to communicate. Somewhere inbetween is beautiful. The woman in the clip is so angry it seems her mother wanted to acheive a specific type of pretty. Most of us look at our children, neices, nephews, grandchildren and see beauty. It’s not about the perfect definition of media beauty, but about the individual’s own beauty.

I think some parents go overboard the other direction and don’t acknowledge or help children who are more on the homely side. Both extremes can be a problem.

Pretty is within, Disney’s Beauty and the Beast comes to mind.
It’s no use to be pretty on the outside and you are a horrible person on the inside.
I think all those well told fairy-tales was trying to bring the message home.

@ETpro A misfit!?! How very dare you sir? Marilyn Monroe was sexy as fuck though.

@antimatter Just wondering. Do you think Disney’s Beauty and the Beast would have been as successful had the beast been female, and the beauty a male?

@ETpro: I often wonder how/if parents teach their kids that. I didn’t get that specific message growing up, but I do remember my mom explaining to me when I was very little that marketing is a lie.

@Kropotkin I don’t know, what ever the gender may have been I still think the message should be to be pretty you need to be pretty within.

@JLeslie Thanks for the clarification.

@ucme Oh I dare. Deed I do dare…

@Kropotkin That’s and excellent question.

@bookish1 I wish I’d gotten that message early on. Of course, advertising was very different 60 years ago.

@antimatter That’s for sure.

He who dares wins, or in this case…whines.