General Question

BB's avatar

Should I let him whip me?

Asked by BB (8 points ) June 13th, 2008 from iPhone

My boyfriend has always been into a liitle butt swatting during our love making. I don’t really mind – I mean, if it keeps him happy and all. Then, last week, my birthday, he gave me a box. I must have guessed everything but what I got. I sure he must have noticed the shock on my face. He just laughed and said honey I think it’s time we spice things up. I havn’t told any of my close friends. The box had one of those riding crops (what horse people use I guess). I mean I’ve never done this before. A slap is onething. But insn’t this a whip? Won’t it hurt a lot? Will it scar me? I mean I’m kind of scared. There was one time that he spanked me until I cried. That was over a pair of jeans! Now he’s got this crop thing?!? The thing is I really love the guy. Any suggestions or answers to any of my questions would be appreciated.

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42 Answers

Trustinglife's avatar

Thanks for asking us.

If I were in your shoes and had the courage, I would tell him how I felt. That would include feeling scared about it, scared about alienating him by telling him, and just thinking the whole thing was odd (if that’s true). I’d ask him how important it is to him. I’d ask him how hard he’d be whipping. And then I’d sit with that information and decide whether to allow it or not. Thank God we live in a time when you really do get to choose.

Love brings us into all kinds of new territory, doesn’t it!

wildflower's avatar

You mentioned you ‘don’t mind’ and that now you’re ‘scared’, but that doesn’t give me a full picture of how you feel about it – and I wonder: does he know how you really feel about it?
If you’re not absolutely sure that he does, I think that’s the first thing you need to do: let him know.
After that, talk it over, how exactly would he want it to work, get a better understanding of what’s involved and see if there’s parts of it that you want/don’t want and come to an agreement before you venture in to it.

Spargett's avatar

If he’s really into it, there’s no harm in trying it once. If you don’t like it… that’s that. What more can you ask for.

Maybe do a trade with him. If you do this, he’ll try “x”.

Trustinglife's avatar

Yeah, on the lighter side, maybe you can “try it out” on him. See how much it seems to hurt. I don’t know if I could do that, frankly – whip someone – but I thought I’d mention it as a possibility. I mean, if there’s going to be whipping going on, why not get the first crack?

delirium's avatar

“Dan Savage and his readers often use the abbreviation GGG. This stands for “good, giving and game”, and generally refers to Savage’s ideal for healthy human sexuality: that a partner should be “good, giving and game” (within reasonable limits) when presented with a person’s fantasy, however kinky or unusual. In his March 1, 2007 column, Savage summarized “GGG stands for ‘good, giving, and game,’ which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think ‘good in bed,’ ‘giving equal time and equal pleasure,’ and ‘game for anything—within reason.’”

When it comes to something that might turn the crank of someone that I love… i’ll try almost anything once.

whatthefluther's avatar

You might suggest a lighter touch…perhaps a feather boa?

Sueanne_Tremendous's avatar

@delirium: I simply love your discriptive phrases. “Turn the crank of someone I love” ranks right up there with the best! Thanks for the smile.

iCeskate's avatar

the whip is for you to whip him while he’s spanking you

syz's avatar

It sounds as if your boyfriend is interested in exploring BDSM. Do some research and educate yourself on the subject (I recommend the book “Different Loving, The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission” by Brame, Brame, and Jacobs). Once you have a better understanding of what’s involved, decide if it is something that you are willing to explore with your boyfriend.

If you and your boyfriend do experiment, set very clear parameters and be safe. Educate yourselves on proper techniques and make sure that you are communicating expectations and limitations with each other.

(The gift you recieved is a crop. If the handle is short and the fringe is longer, it’s a flogger. A whip is a much more serious instrument – picture Indiana Jones.)

Melonking's avatar

Hmm I some what like the idea of a fellow flutherer being wiped. Oh oops did I say that, oh how silly of me I’m not that evil. No I didant spend all day striming long grass prtending it was a group of mean Fluther members no, that could never be true :)

wildflower's avatar

@melonking
Surely you’re not still moping….erm, I mean mowing (of course)

Melonking's avatar

No I’m not moping, I just hate the europe or more so there big union, and I’m taking it out on any one who said somthing I didant like to me yesterday ha

wildflower's avatar

To avoid going further off-topic, check your PM

PupnTaco's avatar

If you’re not comfortable with it, don’t cross that line. Tell him no and mean it.

ljs22's avatar

This concerns me: “There was one time that he spanked me until I cried. That was over a pair of jeans!” What do you mean, over a pair of jeans? Am I missing something here? It’s one thing to be GGG in the bedroom but quite another if he’s aggressive all the time.

:- /

delirium's avatar

I think she meant that she was wearing jeans. Not that it was aggression about a pair of jeans. ;)

ljs22's avatar

Oh, I see. But still…

jlm11f's avatar

I agree with ljs22. If he was able to hurt her while she was wearing jeans, he must be spanking really hard. If I was her, I am pretty sure I would have punched him (with my ring still on), but that’s probably something to do with my anger management issues. @ BB – like many others have said, I would definitely discuss this with him and tell him it stops being “fun” as soon as someone is actually getting hurt. You might want to ask him to tone it down and remember that you aren’t built like a wrestler.

Kay's avatar

What concerns me about your post is that he doesn’t seem to be listening to you with regards to your concerns about this sort of sexual play. You are obviously uncomfortable about it and he laughs at you; how does this show he is a supportive partner? Quite frankly, you shouldn’t have to do anything you are this uncomfortable with in a relationship, and if you are this uncomfortable about it and you’ve expressed this to him and he still isn’t willing to talk to you about it in a mature and understanding way, then you need to DTMFA (Dump The M-F-ing Asshole).
It was your birthday and he gives you a gift that is essentially only for his sexual pleasure and enjoyment that he knows makes you uncomfortable? He couldn’t give you a gift that was something you would enjoy or that you could both enjoy together? He sounds very selfish and does not seem interested in your needs/wants/concerns, which should send off a big warning bell in your head. If he hit you hard enough that it made you cry and you were not enjoying it, then that is physical abuse. If he cared about your feelings and your comfort level then he would be willing to talk to you about this and not try to force it on you.

Please, please, please consider talking to a therapist or at least a trusted friend about this issue.

ABC's avatar

Here’s the thing. Be really, really clear about what you want. Go away for a few days to make sure it’s what YOU want and NOT you giving in to what he wants. Why am I so adamant about this?

Because I was married to a man who kept escalating to where he started doing things like ramming his unlubricated cock into my ass while I was asleep. THAT is not informed consent. That is assault.

syz's avatar

Um, yikes!

Melonking's avatar

You should should just test it once, A long time ago I was siting in a class room, some one came up to me and said they wanted to test there ruber band no my hand. I knew it would sting a bit but I said ok, and it did sting a bit but to this day I am proud that I was brave and gave it a try. This is just the same thing.. Sort of.

PupnTaco's avatar

Good answer, K.

susanc's avatar

BB, you aren’t being truthful with him.
Maybe he scares you?
You shouldn’t be with someone who scares you.

Can you tell him you would like to be with him better if he didn’t scare you?

I am very worried.

@delirium, you’re a strong grownup who can negotiate. I’m not convinced that BB
is there. Sex play is based on agreement. This doesn’t sound like play to me.
It sounds like threat.

Trustinglife's avatar

@BB, willing to give us an update? How’s it going?

NOharmNOfoul's avatar

Tell him sure but under the condition that you get to kick him in his “Brazil Nuts” because that in turn, turns ‘YOU’ on.

susanc's avatar

Trustinglife and Noharm have an interesting point for you, BB. Would he
also enjoy being on the other end of this scenario? What’s up with that? Asking him about this could bring you closer; it’s a
way to show you care about him that doesn’t involve harm to yourself.

We all love someone who hurts us in one way or another. Please trust me
on this and use your courage.

And BB, how does it feel to have all these strangers actually caring about you?

berocky1's avatar

dump his dirty perv ass. And then get a restraining order and a shot-gun.

delirium's avatar

rocky, care to take it down a few notches there?

osullivanbr's avatar

@rocky1
C’mon now. Let’s be sensible here. Stuff like this happens in bedroom, and behind closed doors everywhere. The girl just needs to talk to him openly about limits and such.

No need to jump so harshly on the guy.

Unless there’s some reason behind your opinion that you’d like to share with the class.

berocky1's avatar

yes. If he’s hit her before then we know he has some violent tendencys. Being a victim of this kind of action is terrifying. After I broke it off he tried to get after me. Dump him.

wildflower's avatar

spanking is not necessarily beating. Even though the to tears part is a bit worrying.

delirium's avatar

rocky… there is a distinct difference between s&m play and agressive behavior. This guy might be confused enough to be crossing the line but its still a far cry from “violence”.

osullivanbr's avatar

But he didn’t hit her, he spanked her. There’s a world of differerence.

Trustinglife's avatar

@BB, any update?

berocky1's avatar

I’m just saying. That a relationsip like this is destructive and can harm you.

delirium's avatar

No, berocky, its not necessarily destructive. You’re making an absurd assertion. Sex life is different from real life. We all have our kinks, and they don’t necessarily correlate to how we are in our real life.

berocky1's avatar

I’m not gonna fight with you anymore delirium. I will be the bigger person.

iwamoto's avatar

i tied my ex up, and yes even some whipping, even though i’m very pacifistic, so sorry berocky, but your statement is just plain wrong

delirium's avatar

I’m not sure making unbased statements about peoples sex lives is being the bigger person. (Unless you mean literally the bigger person, than you’re probably correct. I stand in at a shrimpy 5’1”)

berocky1's avatar

Iwamoto: I didnt say being kinky was destructive. But she said he made her cry.

Delirium: you dont even know what your talking about.

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