Wanting More - Am I asking too much of my boyfriend?

You women are generally far more communication-driven than us guys. We are more into actions than words. We also don’t need constant attention, or even really want it. No matter how much a man loves a woman, he’s still going to want some time away. That goes double for those trying to get a job since culture has ingrained into us the need to be providers; in this culture, you provide by getting a job.

Basically, your best bet is to accept that he is a guy.

You’re a woman. You’ll never be satisfied.

People want what they cannot have. If you want him to want you, then make lots of plans that don’t involve him, and stay scarce for days at a time. He’ll either notice, and take action to be more attentive. Or you’ll learn in your new found independence that you don’t need to be as clingy as you currently want to be.

If you want him to long for you… then vanish without a trace.

Stop expecting him, or anyone else, to be the person that you want them to be. Instead, concentrate more on being the person that you can become.

I think its human that, the less attention one gets the more we crave it and seek it. I’d turn the focus back on me. Get involved in activities I enjoy, excel at work spend time with friends. As a by product of that we meet new people, make life interesting and then decide what is best for us. Take your power back.

Welcome to Fluther, @cmaria.
[Insert token gonad-based stereotype here.] No, I’m just kidding.

It’s perfectly reasonable to want to spend more time with your boyfriend, but it also might help if you can work on filling in your own social and emotional life. I know plenty of couples who are so busy that they can only see each other on the weekends. Ask yourself if you are expecting your boyfriend to fulfill all of your needs. That is a dangerous expectation to bring to relationships.

What do you do that is comparable?
Maybe he just needs somebody to model after.
Otherwise, if you’re unhappy with him, dump. He may be great guy. He is clearly not your type.

I like the last three responses above mine:

- Find your own activities to fill your time;
– You are “the main course” of your own life, and you need to get cooking;
– Recognize that your search is not over, and continue filling out the checklist of important attributes that you need to find in a partner.

Oh, and welcome to Fluther.

First, your boyfriend is not going to change. You have told him your issues and he has not changed appreciably in more than two years.

In the case of the weekends only thing, I think you should tell him that you are looking for more and see if he responds. He might just have too much going on right now. I would think you could be patient if this is going to change at some point.

Have you made suggestions about weekdays like “Hey do you want to go out to dinner tomorrow night?” or “there’s a ______ at the _______. Do you want to go with me?” or “I was thinking about stopping over. Is that ok?”

I don’t think you are asking for too much. A girl should be able to look forwards to the occasional poetry chocolates and flowers as part of a standard package in my opinion.

Sounds like he is busy trying to carve out an existence, and you are not?
Find an interest that both of you like to do and join a club together( weekly).
Meet there together, to have something other than constant attention .
When you two find fun together doing something that your both interested in
then things will work out better.
I had a sister that was too clingy( always wanted personel atention/preening etc)..she went through four relationships ( and in her third marriage now) and STILL does not understand that the attentions that she craves stemmed from her longing for her absent father’s attention, now carried out in all her relationships with men?
IF I was one of her husbands even I would RUN!
She is wearing on them all.
Find a compatible partner that also requires the same amount of attention too, and I bet that you would be the one RUNNING?

I agree with @poisonedantidote, it’s not a bad thing to expect a little romance and thought on your anniversary. That being said, get busy on yourself, a lot of men like and respect women who have their own lives and don’t hang on their every movement. It gets stifling and needy otherwise.

@KNOWITALL Thanks for the backup, but I did not just mean for anniversary. I mean just in general. It does not have to cost money either, my girlfriend sends me a romantic postcard almost every week while we are apart at the moment, it costs 30 cents for the card and 30 more for the stamp, and I would not sell any one of them even for a grand.

It is good to just do stuff for each other, even if it is a poem or something.

@poisonedantidote True, my little love notes from hubby are all kept, 13 years later.

Sometimes it goes back to the old line “he’s just not that into you” but she says he cried when confronted with her feelings. Maybe he’s just a young guy still learning the relationship thing. fingers crossed

@KNOWITALL , it’s admittedly his first real relationship but I’m not sure that excuse holds up after 2 years of dating. Does it?

But I do agree whole-heartedly with what most of you have said. I think a lot of what I’m feeling is also related to recent feelings of loneliness and detachment from friends since graduating college and meeting new people has been increasingly difficult. (How does one make friends after college, anyway?)

So like @bookish1 said, I might be expecting him to fulfill too much of my needs when I should be able to do so without him, and I’m trying.

@KNOWITALL: Cynical me thinks maybe he’s crying because he doesn’t want to lose her, but not necessarily because he loves her. Also, maybe he’s crying because he’s manipulative and wants to make her feel sorry for him (i.e. instead of it being about her unhappiness, he turns it around to become about HIS unhappiness).

@cmaria Nah, he should know by now that you have emotional needs as well. Why aren’t you living with him at this point, may I ask?

Ah, the after-college lonliness, I totally understand. You find out what you like to do and do it, and then you find friends there that are like you. Love to read, hang out at the bookstore. Love birds, join a local bird club. It’s fun to discover what you like with no pressure from anyone else, it’s also very liberating and I promise you won’t regret exploring different things.

@jca Maybe, a lot of men have trouble expressing themselves. My husband can do it in writing but has a hard time verbalizing it. Man tears do break my heart though..lol

@KNOWITALL, Simply put, I’m not ready to live with him. I’ve only just been able to move out of my parents’ place and would like to spend some time living on my own/with friends before entering a relationship with that level of co-dependence. My current needs may contradict what I’m saying, but I’m just not ready.

@cmaria I get it and I think that’s the smarter decision.

I allowed a guy to move in (I was 20 yrs old) that I was basically just ‘friends with benefits’ and it almost ruined my life, precious stuff got stolen by his friends and it ended with police.

Until you are your own person and can make your own life satisfactory to you, you will never be happy. Other people in your life add to your own well formed life. If you keep expecting someone else to fulfill your life for you, you may turn into a nag. Do your own thing. Let him do his. As you each fill out and become your own competent selves, you either will click again or not. Let him go. If he comes back, he’s yours. If he doesn’t, he never was.

Regardless of whether or not others think your desires are logical, if this is what you want in a relationship, this is what you want, and there are guys out there that will want to see their girlfriends on weekdays. I don’t think that wanting to see your boyfriend on weekdays is too much to ask. Not every night, (that, IMHO, would be too much to ask) but one or two nights out of the 5 is not too much, if he can swing it. If this is what you want and you’re not getting it, then you need to make some decisions.