What's you funniest/best clean joke?

Repeating myself:

Déscartes walks into a  McDonald’s amd places an order.

The waitperson says, “Do you want fries with that burger?”

Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

A man walks into a bar. He says “owch!”

Q: What’s Irish and sits on your porch?
A: Paddy O’Furniture.

A good one for Mother’s Day…

Three bubbes sitting on a park bench.
The first one lets out a moanful “Oy!”
A few minutes later, the second bubbe sighs deeply and says “Oy vey!”
A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, “Oy veyizmir!”
To which the first bubbe replies: “I thought we agreed we weren’t going to talk about our children!”

A librarian is working at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

When the chicken sees that it has the librarian’s attention, it squawks, “Book!”

The librarian thinks, “How odd!” but puts a book down in front of the chicken.
The chicken quickly grabs it and disappears.

The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who drops the book on the desk and again squawks, “Book, book!”

The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken wants with these books, but eventually finds two more books for the chicken.
The chicken disappears.

The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashioon, it seems), “Book, book, BOOK!”

By now, the librarian’s curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a few books for the chicken, and secretly follows the bird when it leaves the library.

She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows.
On the other side of the trees is a little marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh.

The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, “Reddit! Reddit! Reddit!...”

A parasite walks in to a bar, the barman says “we don’t serve parasites in here” the parasite says “you are not a very good host”.

Immortality

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do
you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
ballooning, or rock climbing ?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?”

“No,” I said. “I’ve never done any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit if you live to be
80?”

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office with a duck on his head.
The psychiatrist asked, “Can I help you?”
And the duck says, “Yeah, can you get this guy off my ass?”

A duck, a talking dog, a parrot, a one-eyed man with a twelve inch dick, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up at them and says, “What the hell do you think this is, a joke?”

A priest a rabbi, and a pollack are lost in the desert. They walk along for a while and the pollack is carrying a car door. The priest and the rabbi keep looking at each other and shrugging their shoulders. It’s getting warmer and warmer. Finally the priest ask the guy “What’s with the door?” The Pollack replies when it gets really hot I’ll roll down the window. Sorry any polish jellies.

Q: What did Zero say to Eight?
A: Nice belt

@Adirondackwannabe I really wanted to know where that was going.

A Jewish kid comes home from college for summer vacation and announces to his father that he met this girl and he has converted to Christianity. The father totally freaks out, goes to his rabbi and tells him what happened. The rabbi reveals to the father that his own daughter had come home during the previous holiday season and said the same thing and he’s been freaking out as well.

“What are we gonna do?” asked the first father.

“What can we do but pray for guidance,” said the rabbi. So, they both get on their knees and pray to God and soon they hear this booming voice.

“Can I help you?” God asked.

“Yes,” the men said. “Our children have converted to Christianity and we don’t know what to do!”

“Oy!” God said, “That’s not good. But you think you got problems? Let me tell you about my son…”

@glacial I tried to do it clean and PC but it didn’t work.

Two pretzels were walking down the street, one was assaulted….

If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up they would be alloys….

I once tried to tell a chemistry joke, but there was no reaction….

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam.

Isn’t a pollack a fish?

@uberbatman Wow. I could actually hear the rimshots and see through the thick blue haze of cigar smoke an old alky blonde with smeared lipstick slowly slipping off her barstool .

@gailcalled That’s a Pollock. I should have spelled it polack I think.

Pollack is a variant of pollock.

This 13 year-old kid is standing on a corner smoking a cigarette. A middle-aged man walks up and says, “Those will kill you young, boy.”
The kid says, “My grandpa lived to be 94 years old.”
The man says, “Well, did he smoke?”
The kid says, “Nah, he minded his own damn business.”

@Espiritus_Corvus—love that one!

Wedding Question (Out of the mouth of babes)

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her life.” Her mother tried to explain, keeping
it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So, why
is the groom wearing black?”

@glacial I don’t get it. What’s with the Jackson Pollo- oh, OK. Nevermind.

My XXX wife called the fire department “Please hurry! Our home is burning”!”

“OK mam calm down. How do we get there”?

“Duh… use that big red truck”!

museum oF ART

LOOOOOOOOL

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scottish role but look at him now…an alcoholic & racist! ~
I live in a flat with 3 women, it’s like surround sound, I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
Stephen Hawking, brainier than Kurt Cobain’s garage wall.

A particle physicist was driving down the motorway when a cop pulls him over for speeding.
“Excuse me Sir,” says the cop (British cops are polite). “Do you know how fast you were going?”
“No,” says the particle physicist. “But I know exactly where I am.”

A matronly woman walks into a pet shop and buys a parrot. When she gets it home, it immediately starts on an endless spiel of obscenities, totally freaking the woman out.

“If you don’t talk in a more civil manner, I’ll take you back to the store,” she threatens. The parrot screams even louder and the obscenities get more vulgar. The woman panics.

“I’ll show you!” she says and shoves him into the refrigerator freezer. After a few seconds the obscenities come to a sudden stop. She opens the freezer and takes out a very freaked out parrot.

“Now, are you going to behave?” asks the woman sternly.
“No problem, lady.” The parrot says apologetically. “I just got one question.”
“What is it?” she asks impatiently.
“What the hell did that chicken do?”

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Oedipus.”

“Oedipus who?”

“Oedipus shmedipus, as long as he loves his muthah.”

How many Freudian Psychatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to turn the bulb, the other two to hold the penis…...I mean the ladder!

Man walks into his doctor’s office to get his test results.

Doctor is reading from a clip chart looking very grim faced.

“I’m afraid it’s bad news. It is terminal”

After a pause the man says “how long have I got?”

The doctor replies 10

Man says “ten what, years?, months?.......or days?”

9.

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Pavlov. Just checking.”

Dorothy Parker walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “What can I get you?”
Parker says, “Give me an entendre. And make it a double.”

^^^Now that’s a joke I can take to the bank.

Q: What did the two oceans say to one another?
A: Nothing, they just waved.

Q: How do you make a handkerchief dance?
A: You put a little boogie in it.

Q: Why is Cinderella bad at playing soccer?
A: Because her coach is a pumpkin and she’s always running away from the ball.

Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean beef.
Q: And what do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.

Q: How does Moses make his tea?
A: Hebrews it.

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: You boil the hell out of it.

A young blonde girl walks into the local library and loudly says to the librarian:
“I’ll have a Big Mac, fries, and a diet coke !”

The librarian shakes her head and whispers, “This is a LIBRARY…”

In a very low whisper, the girl replies:

“Oh. Sorry…...I’ll have a Big Mac, large fries, and a diet coke !”
.

To this day, the boy who bullied me in school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

A salesman has been in Seattle for almost a week, and it has rained all day, every day. From his hotel window, he sees a young boy in the street, so opens the window and asks:

“Hey, kid…..when does it stop raining around here ?”

The kid replies, “How should I know, mister ?.....I’m only six….”
.

@OneBadApple I could so easily translate that joke to Manchester (UK) instead of Seattle.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
~Rodney Dangerfield

Q: What do you call a red-headed ninja?
A: A ginja.

Q: Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel Prize?
A: Because he was out standing in his field.

Why do we elect two senators from every state? Because it’s too difficult for them to pull the budget out of their asses by themselves.