Do you believe in the fat girl syndrome?

What kind of a man do you want?

There are men who prefer women “with a little meat on their bones.” So it may not be the weight at all. If you have a friend who will tell you the truth, ask and then listen. If you are lucky, she’ll tell you the truth. Will you be ready to hear it?
I offer this with my best wishes to you.

Every man has different tastes. I won’t tell you mine, as I am more wondering how you may be subconsciously modifying your behavior because you are not happy with the weight you are now. Are you less outgoing than you used to be? How much is them not wanting to talk to you, and how much is you assuming they don’t want to talk to you, and you are less outgoing then you were previously? It is not like I ignore women I am not attracted to, and sometimes I find a woman I am not attracted to more attractive as I speak with her.

Why not lose weight and test the hypothesis?

@josie, I am losing weight – but it is a slow process! If I don’t fall off the wagon, it will be the new year before I reach my goal.

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought – yes, I have heard that before, and there might be something to it, but I would still argue that most men prefer a slimmer body type. Online dating backs this up – most men want someone who “takes care of herself.”

Lose the extra weight because you will feel better, look better and be happier with yourself. I don’t know why anyone would tell you not to lose weight regardless of your reason why. However I would rather hear you say you are losing it for yourself than to attract a man. Reminds me of the Gloria Steinam days when we would tell each other to remember that “a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”

It sounds to me like a self-fulfilling prophecy to me.

Personal experience: in High School, I was on the larger side of average, and a healthy weight for my height, but I believed I was fat and unattractive and had few romantic encounters. In my first 2 years in college, I put on ~25 pounds and hated myself and had NO romantic encounters. I dropped out of college and worked in offices, this is when I had flirtations and met my ex-husband. I had my son at 25, and was back in college then grad school. I continued to put on weight, and by the time I got divorced at 30, I was ~75 pounds heavier than I was in High School. I dated a few men and then had a serious relationship for 7 years. I continued to gain weight. By the time that relationship broke up, I was ~100 pounds heavier than my High School weight. I was still able to meet men and get dates. Now I am with a man who loves me completely, even though I am nearly twice the weight I was in High School.

I found that the more I learned to love myself and have confidence, the more attractive I was to others. Work on being happy within yourself and living a life that gives you fulfillment, and you will find kindred spirits who love you for who you are rather than how you look. That is better, anyway; because unconditional love stays with you when age and gravity and illness and accidents take their toll on your mortal shell. Shallow attraction will leave you as soon as something comes along that is younger and cuter that puffs their ego more.

I’m almost 300 lb (getting bariatric surgery soon) and have never had an issue with finding men to date. I’m with a great guy and we’ve been together 2 years and we live together. I’ve been obese for a while and if I didn’t want to be single, then I found someone to be with that I liked.

So yeah I think it’s bull. I think you’re self conscious about your weight and act invisible, hence feel invisible.

If a man does not like and respect you for who you are and not what you look like, then you have the wrong man. Size does not matter! If it matters to a potential mate for any reason other than health, get rid of them, they are shallow and generally more trouble than they are worth.
If you want to lose weight for your health, fine. But look for a man who would love you no matter what you weigh!

What if you find the guy who doesn’t mind weight but wouldn’t want you to have a carrier, or another one who would ask you to have plastic surgery, for eg?. What are your critrea?

I have to agree with @seekingwolf. My cousin (who died recently, but regardless…) was always a very big girl but never had problems finding men. The man she ended up marrying was the only overweight guy she’d been with – the rest were thin and very attractive. She got a lot of attention because of her personality and confidence.

My guess is that you’re confidence is low and men are noticing.

Thin and famous doesn’t even make people happy. Look at Brittany Spears, Amanda Bynes, Miley Cyrus.
I think @Imadethisupwithnoforethought is right. You have to have confidence in yourself and show it in your actions. Stand straight and tall, look people in the eye and smile when you pass them or meet them.

^ Yikes, Amanda Bynes. What a train wreck.

It could be true but it really goes both ways. I think being obese in general—to the point where it’s unhealthy—is bad no matter the gender.

@seekingwolf You go girl!

I have lost 45 lbs since Christmas through diet and exercise (running three miles 5 time a week). I did it because I was headed towards diabetes and heart problems if I didn’t change my life right then.

I will say I have had a lot more attractive women interested in me since I lost the first 30 lbs. And it’s not that these women are skinny or beautiful as much as they are healthy and have taken care of themselves.

I don’t care what weight a woman is as long as she is healthy.

No weight has nothing to do with it. My mother was overweight her entire life and my father looks well looked since he passed away exactley like Mel Gibson and they were together for over 40yrs.

I do believe some men like big ladies and some like smaller ladies. If you are online and looking for a guy and finding men who only like women who “takes care of herself” I think could mean many things. Someone could be overweight and still take care of herself. You should sign up on a more personalized dating site like eharmony. Your results might be a little more tailored and suited to you because the questionnaire is very in depth.

I also believe that just because you may look good on the outside while that may improve your chances to be approachable more men means more choices more choices means less genuine relationships. Not all men are looking at you because they want a long term 7 year relationship regardless of your weight same as the men online. And I’m not just singling out men I’m just being gender specific for the sake of the question. So that is when you do need to build your confidence, and maybe you are more confident when you are more healthy so maybe you could join the gym if you haven’t and look for your soul mate at the gym. :)

I wouldn’t say that weight (or age) has nothing to do with how much men notice a woman…I did get hit on more frequently when I was thin (and young). A lot of that was unwanted attention, though, like catcalling on the street and creepers trying to pick me up in random situations. Not the caliber of guy I was at all interested in dating, that’s for sure. A few extra pounds can make a difference in who notices you, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing, you know?

By far the more important piece of the puzzle is how you feel about yourself and how you project that. I’m almost twice the size I was at my thinnest, and have been for many, many years. But skinny or overweight, young or middle aged, I’ve never had a lack of men asking me out.

Now that I am thinking about it, and it might be relevant, I have a friend who only ever tells me he is into those tiny little women. We go out to bars, I look at women who are taller than me, wider than me, smaller than me. He is only looking at the thin little zumba girls. We discussed it once, I told him it was weird he only had this thing for little thin women. I goofed on him about it. He replied as follows: “We are the same height, but you are a lot bigger build than me. I would never feel comfortable dating a woman who I thought was bigger than me. Some of them are hot, but it would be weird to be smaller. My ego couldn’t take it.”

Food for thought.

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought – Your friend has insecurities. My ex-husband was shorter than I, and all men I’ve dated have been thinner than me. They’ve been more intimidated that I was better educated and/or earned more than by me being physically larger. Also, there are some who prefer a larger, domineering partner.

@hearkat I am not arguing the point. I am just trying to show @Gabby101 that she is not invisible, that there is a lot of weird psychology going on in men and in herself she may not be accounting for.

I didn’t expect to have my mind changed, but it was. I will continue to lose weight, but will approach men with confidence even if I am not at my ideal weight. @augustlan – you’re right, I may not get the cat calls, but that’s not what I’m looking for anyway. I’m looking for a LT relationship with a man who will respect me, my career, my independence and will want to grow old with me.

As someone who has been everywhere from a size 4 to a size 20 I can say with certainty that you are absolutely correct.
Edit:
—I wrote this without reading—the other answers then looked up and saw that you changed your mind. Maybe if I read the other answers mine will be changed too. I can always tell when I’m moving into invisible mode though.

I’m going to give it to you straight: men can be “visual”, which is a nice way of saying shallow. All else equal, a fat girl will be less likely to get a guy’s attention.

Weight has less to do with attractiveness than confidence and attending to your overall well-being. Besides, guys who loudly declare they like “girls who take care of themselves” are typically stuck somewhere around age 12 emotionally. They themselves might have Snickers bars and beer for breakfast every day, and you as a girl can too—as long as you’re not a fattie. Speaking as one who’s never inhabited a single-digit dress size, I can use such a term So in actuality it’s really not so much about “taking care of yourself” as it is “looking like a Maxim model while pressed up against the inside of my shower”.

I’m a man. Weight is not an issue. Confidence is though.

My question would be what “type” of many are you looking for? Does his weight and looks matter a lot to you? There have been studies done showing people more or less seek their own level of attractiveness in mates to a certain degree. The study I saw was not about weight, it was overall attractiveness. But, there are of course all sorts of exceptions to this and I don’t know how scientific that study was.

Another question, are all your girlfriends very thin? In FL and NYC I feel heavy. In TN and MI I don’t. Everything is relative.

35 pounds overweight is not extremely overweight assuming you are at least average height, it might have to do with your confidence or insecurity vibes you are giving off. However, I will say, at 35 pounds overweight I would feel uncomfortable also and probably really feel my weight. At 15 pounds over the weight I prefer I start becoming very conscious of myself, I probably project that out to the world in some way.

I think your weight probably plays a role, especially in the bar scene, and similar situations. But, any physical feature we might dwell on about ourselves, when people get to know us, all of that dissappears.

I think if you want to lose weight for health, and because you feel uncomfortable in your own body, then do it. But, don’t lose the weight just to get a guy. If your natural weight is 40 pounds overweight according to some chart or table we supposedly are supposed to abide by, you want a man who finds you attractive at that weight.

I had weight loss surgery and I can tell you that at my heaviest, I still got guys and still got looks from guys.

That said, now over 120 lbs lighter, I get more guys and more looks.

At my heaviest and at the present, I always projected confidence, and had the same personality that I do now, which I think helps (funny, intelligent, modest LOL). I think personality and how you project yourself helps a lot, but as others have said, men are into looks. There are a lot of guys that look past appearance, and also a lot of guys don’t like really thin women, either.

You will feel better about yourself when you lose weight, and clothes will look better on you. Men will react to that, and you will see a difference in how they treat you. I go to a lot of parties through my present job and guys say to me things like “when I saw you come in I was like ‘whoa who is that!?’” That feels nice but remember you want them to appreciate you, not just your looks.

I believe in Fat Girl syndrome as much as I believe in Poor Guy syndrome. Here’s why:

I’ve mentioned this in other posts and don’t have the time to find the reference now. Maybe someone else can find it. The book Freakomics written by a Nobel prize winner, considers the answers to different and interesting questions by analyzing massive data bases and using statical methods to tease out the results from the data.

In one case, he wanted to know what to men and women really want in a partner when they decide whether or not to data. To do that they analyzed what characteristics of a proposed partner were most significant. They analyzed data from 75 million, (90 million?) dates from dating sites like Match .com and looked at the characteristics each person wanted and whether or not the other person had them. Then they determined if the date was successful or not by whether the date was selected or not.
Here are the results: For women looking for men, the most significant predictor of whether or not the date would be successful was… the man’s income. It was more important than any other factor. height, weight, religion, education , likes walk in the park, etc. It was shockingly higher than anything.
Men looking for women were not quite as one dimensional. There were two glaringly large factors. The most significant factor was the woman’s body weight. Next was the woman’s income. In fact because so much data was involved he was able to calculate with statistically significant results exactly how much the extra weight was worth in annual salary. I forget but it was something like 10 pounds more would be cancelled out by $3,000 annual salary increase. (Don’t quote me it was something like that.)

He also said of course there are exceptions and most people will not like reading this about themselves and will deny it happens but the data from 75 million dates is hard to argue as a simple fluke or aberration.

Sure, there are lots of fish in the sea and there is someone for everyone. But, if a man has a low income his dating pool shrinks from a sea to a pond. If a woman is overweight her dating pool shrinks from a sea to a lake. (These are my terms not his )

(If someone has the book maybe they can find the references and correct my numbers)

For your own health and happiness why not start going for walks in the morning and start expanding the size of your lake.
I will go to work now and expand mine – even though I’m not looking. .

<—- Covering his head from all the tomatoes that will be thrown at me.

“Fat Girl Syndrome” as you describe it @Gabby101, absolutely does exist. This does not mean that you can’t get a date or find a relationship solely because of your weight, but it does mean that you will have to work harder for it. Meaning, acting more confident, being more outgoing, being willing to approach a man (without chasing him down!) and spending more time make sure your attire, hair and make-up are flattering. Unless a man really likes the look of an overweight woman, he will look past you. If you’re honest about your height and weight on a dating site, you will get looked past if you are not within their desired range. Once you lose the weight, you will get more looks from men and very likely more approaches that may turn into dates.

@LuckyGuy – I hope that no one throws tomatoes at you. You presented data and made a good suggestion about walking.

I really like @LuckyGuy‘s data, what I don’t understand is why anyone assumes the OP doesn’t walk or do some sort of exercise? It might be true it might not. I know plenty of women who do zumba, and people who swim laps or do water aerobics regularly, and are easily 40 pounds overweight.

I really shouldn’t be here now, but I had to check – and something else came to mind.
All the XX chromosome holders here either know of, or read the erotic book “50 Shades of Grey”. It was written by a successful woman (two initials) James, targeted to women and was very successful on the market: “most read”, “number 1” blah blah blah. It was successful because women had identified with Ana and had the hots for the guy, Christian – a billionaire in command of vast resources and wealth.

Please do this thought experiment with me….
Keeping the story line the same, does anyone here think women would find the story as interesting if Christian’s name was Chris and he had an income of only $60,000 per year and had to pay child support and alimony? I have no data obviously but I think not.

@JLeslie People lose weight the same way they gain weight. One ounce at a time. Small decisions many times per day. If the OP already walks then she can step it up with 200 gram arm weights. If you want to lose weight you have to burn a few more calories than you take in. Slow and steady wins the race. The 30 pounds did not appear overnight. Don’t expect them to disappear overnight either.
Imagine how wonderful OP would feel if that was gone by next summer. Better health, stronger body, increased flexibility. And statistics show she would widen the circle of available men for her choosing.
Everyone is different and your mileage may vary but data from 75,000,000 dates is hard to ignore.

Guys, if you are reading this, forget about ‘Likes walks in the park.” Women said they liked it but that did not even show up on their radar screen. Income swamped it. A guy with allergies to pollen but earns $120,000 per year will have many more opportunities to mate than the guy earning $20,000 who likes to camp out on weekends.
Sorry I have to go. I’ll check back later tonight.

@LuckyGuy I have no quarrel with the idea of calories in – calories burned = weight. I only had a problem with the assumption. The OP might know exactly what she needs to do. Maybe she knows she has been eating more Entemann’s cookies or larger helpings at mealtime or even not exercising as much as she should. I just find it flippant when someone says, “start walking.” Just hit me wrong. Plus, I truly believe what you put in your mouth is way more important, let’s say 90% of the formula, than exercise when it comes to weight, unless you work out 3+ hours a day. An hour of exercise can be erased with one piece of cake. I am just talking weight, not other health parameters.

@LuckyGuy – I agree with you on the poor guy syndrome. I think the only thing women hate worse than no money is a guy that’s very short. Not saying it’s right or wrong, just saying it’s true.

@tedibear – good advice. At this weight, I do have to try harder to meet men. As others have pointed out, as my skinnier self, I had men approach me quite often, but it wasn’t always the right attention or the right men.

@JLeslie – good point. Most people assume that if you’re heavy, you don’t exercise. If you’ve ever been to a gym you should know this isn’t true! And btw, since I decided to lose weight, I spend 1.5 hrs working out/6 days a week and I track every calorie I consume.

To clarify – i still think the fat girl syndrome exists – I just think you can overcome portions of it with confidence and the willingness to put yourself out there! The sea may have become a lake, but it’s still got some water in it!!

The sea may have become a lake, but it’s still got some water in it!!

Perfectly said, and a perfect attitude!

@LuckyGuy You know what woud be interesting, is the divorce rates, or staying married rates, of couples where how much money someone earned played a role, and where looks played a big role. My experience is, so this is a smal sample size to make a conclusion, is that my friends who care a lot about how someone looks have had bad relationships that don’t tend to last. I don’t mean the people are bad people. Money represents responsiblity in my opinion. If I was back in the dating market I think I can honestly say I would care about a man’s savings, debt (better be zero credit card debt) even more than his actual salary. If they make $200k have a Ferrari, but no money in the bank, just stamp a big L for loser on them as far as I am concerned. Man or woman.

Lots of muscles and low body fat, I think most likely they are too self absorbed and too focused on body. Not just their own, in general. My girlfriends who say they have to be with a guy with a good body, not one of them has been in long lasting happy marriages. I do have friends who have husbands with great bodies, but that was not the big reason they are with him.

Be yourself and be the weight that is healthy for you. Men like happy women.

I’m back for a minute – or two. I am so bad.
@JLeslie Drug or alcohol abuse would be a big one for me. But amazingly, according to the data, it did not matter how people answered the question “how many glasses of alcohol do you drink per day?” The answer’s significance was much lower than the two I mentioned earlier.

Since you brought up divorce… I used to work in a large office/laboratory with hundreds of people. One of the first signs that someone was either planning on, or going through, a divorce was their sudden interest in improving their health including: weight loss, eating right, exercise and appearance. Without knowing anything about the situation at their homes you could almost predict that the person would be divorced in a year. The women would start to dress up a little bit more. Heel height was often the first sign. The guys would join a running club. Both sexes would lose some weight around the middle. It was an interesting predictor. I would have liked to do a study. ;-)
Think about your friends for a moment and tell me you couldn’t see it coming based upon one persons sudden interest in appearance and health.

I always considered it a bit sad that many married couples take their spouse for granted so much that they begin to behave in ways and do things they would never dream of doing when courting. Eating like pigs, skipping showers, dressing down to the lowest acceptable level, weight gain, etc. And then they are surprised when the other spouse decides they have had enough and decide to move on. THEN they begin to clean up and get in shape. I figure we should always look into ourselves, and the in the mirror and ask ourselves “Would you date you?”

@Gabby101 That’s exactly the spirit I like to see. You know I meant no disrespect by my answer. Thank you.
I love your quote: “The sea may have become a lake but there is still water in it.” From my time on this site I’ve noticed there are plenty of delicious jellies in that water.

OK back to the grindstone.

@LuckyGuy You see, women are smarter. They’ll look past the appearance to have nice things.

Income is actually a big one for me—I’ve always wanted someone with a similar degree of education and similar income, so that I don’t end up supporting some poor schmuck. So when women say they’re looking or income, it’s likely because they don’t want to be stuck in that situation… not because they’re golddiggers.

I was married to a poor guy with tons if “potential.”
After he died and before I started dating again I swore I would never again date a guy who would make me worry about how to pay the utility bill again. I’d rather be single and make my own financial decisions alone. If that makes me a gold digger so be it. Growing up in poverty I was really worried that it made me look like a gold digger, so much so that I before we married I told my husband (with a sense of shame) that I never would have dated him if he were not financially successful. Instead of calling me a shallow bitch (like I feared) he said that it made him feel good. It was a sort of ego boost for him.
Since then I have never felt the need to apologize for not wanting to live in poverty anymore. In retrospect its kind of strange that I ever felt guilty about it.

@luckyguy – I appreciate your honesty! Lol – I agree with your observations. Losing weight, dressing better – all signs that you are trying to make changes in your life (noble or naughty ;)

@sparrowfeed and @Judi Thanks for being honest about it your preference. The interesting part of the study is that women won’t usually say that is what they are looking for. They say they want someone who makes them laugh but when the statistics are run it is income that trumps everything else.
Same with men and women’s body weight. Men might say it does not matter or make a difference “I want someone who drinks less than 5 x per week, someone with similar education, someone who will share my goals.”.etc. But 75,000,000 dates show the most significant factor is body weight.
Fairly or not, a BMI of 18 to 20, or “athletic build”, brings with it a perceived vitality and vigor that most men find attractive. Clearly they are thinking with the other head.
(This is coming from a prostateless guy with a BMI of 21.)

@Gabby101 So you have noticed it too. See? I’m not making it up.
Just for the record I keep myself in shape, prostate or no prostate. And I shower before bed, and after my morning constitutionals. I try not to pass gas or belch in front of anyone.
I’ve been married along time.

If you ask me what I am looking for in a man, I would tell you I am looking for a battering ram. LOL.

@jca How about one that doesn’t make a mess?

In general, people like handsome fit humans. That’s just how it is. We put the pretty people on TV, in movies etc. Some people like bigger people, and some like smaller people. The trick is realizing that what people think doesn’t matter.

I’ve taken a slim woman home just to impress my friends, but couldn’t even get aroused by her because I wasn’t attracted to her body. There’s a pressure to only date women that look like models. But once you move past that you have more fun.

@LuckyGuy Losing weight, dressing better, wearing cologne, all signs someone is thinking about cheating or cheating or at minimum disenchanted in their marriage and maybe having some sort of emtional affair or flirtation. The signs for cheating are exactly the same as people who have not done it, but still are emotionally removed from their spouse. A girlfriend of mine left her husband two months ago and she was telling me the straws that led to the final straw. One thing that really annoyed her was he accused (she said accused, but maybe he just asked) if she was cheating. I told her, to him it probably feels the same as if you were (I absolutely believe she isn’t) because he was right, he was losing you, you left. They have dated since they were 15 by the way, married over 20 years.

Some people lose significant weight on the divorce stress diet, but, often they are not necessarily dressing up and flirtatious, they are depressed and full of anxiety with the divorce process. Another friend of mine who is going through a divorce now, she has gained weight, and goes between feeling relief and feeling depressed. They have been together since college and married just short of 20 years. However, she does work in a small office and most of her work is done over the phone, so she doesn’t really have a plethora of “work” clothes. There is this part of me that wants her to lose weight (I haven’t seen her, I am sure she is not very overweight, she never has been, she has a very nice figure, I assume at most she is 20 pounds overweight) and this is awful, but if she had a nose job she would be amazing. She and I look very alike, except her hair is way way better than mine (which I think matters to men) just her nose is a little larger, and mine already is on the largish side. Kind of typical Jewish I think if you want to stereotype it.

Also, some people lose weight, because they finally buckled down and did it. It doesn’t mean they are leaving their spouse necessarily, obviously. Usually there are multiple signs. A friend of mine lost 80 pounds in the last year, and I would never think she is planning on divorcing. Now she looks more in line (this is awful again) with her husband who is pretty trim and looks amazingly young for his age.

I’m like you, alcohol is a deal breaker. Anyone who drinks with any regularity I really am not interested in as a spouse. Maybe if I already know the person I might overlook it somehow, but on a dating site, I would just pass them over. As simple as wine with dinner most nights is not something I really want in my house. Drinking when out for dinner or at a party every so often is fine. Unless they have to drink to have a good time, and then they lose me again.

@LuckyGuy It never has been exactly the money for me. I’d rather date a professional on my intellectual level making 24$ than, for example, a construction worker making 40$ an hour.

Weight is an issue, but this also applies to boys. Our genes make us find partners who look healthy more attractive. Yes, in real life, many won’t admit this attitude, but online it makes sense to be frank. It is possible to lose weight, if you really want to, but it means a life style change.