Looking for insight on my boyfriend's attitude toward marriage?

If it were me and I wanted to be married, I would take him at his word and break off with him. That way if he was going to he would do it. If not, all that other stuff was just talk.

I’m not waiting for him to propose to me – I don’t want to get married any time soon. Really I’m just wondering why he seems to be hot and cold about it and why he can talk to my family or friends but not me.

My boyfriend has been married before, and for that reason, I don’t think he is in a rush to do it again. He does include me in his future though. It’s always we, not I. He always plans ahead, and I’m always in it. He’s even put me in his Will.
I think you are quite a lot younger than me, so maybe your boyfriend doesn’t want to say such stuff, in kind of a immature way, or maybe if he did say it, you would see wedding bells and he’s not ready for that yet.
Doesn’t seem like a problem. I think it’s all good.

Maybe he’s just trying to figure it out.
The fact that he finds the idea of marriage intimidating is not bad in itself, he understands it’s substantial.

Have you gotten yourself on the two-year waiting list for a BPD program? You can’t sort out your relationship until you have sorted yourself out.

Your bf is who is he is. Just as you are who you are. But there seem to be a lot of game playing in this relationship, both from what you have reported in the past and what you have said here I(which sounds very familiar, I must say. Was this an edited question or a dupe?)

Are you afraid to just have a direct, open and honest conversation with him about the future of your relationship? Can’t you just lay it on the line in a way that’s not an ultimatum and just be real with your feelings? If you just say ”hey listen…I really am in this for the long haul and I can see us growing old together, but if that’s not in the cards for you, you should let me know. We don’t need to get married right away – it’s just that a marriage and family is important to me and I just want to know how you picture our future together.” ...or something like that.

I guess as I’ve gotten older and looked back on the many mistakes I’ve made in relationships, I’ve come to realize that if a guy really wants to be with you, and wants a future with you, you’ll know.

You’ve only been together two years, that’s not a long time. Also, because he was married before, he’s probably trying to avoid some of the problems/situations that caused his first marriage to end. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it means he is not ready to be married to you right now. He may never be ready to be married to you or anyone else.

Marriage is extremely important to some people, and it is not important to other people. You need to decide whether or not you could potentially spend the rest of your life with him without being married and consider the ramifications of that.There are rights and responsibilities that go along with marriage that you cannot have without marriage. Would you be OK living without these Rights, Responsibilities and Privileges of Marriage?

He also knows that you have some very serious Unresolved Mental Health Issues. You can’t blame him for not wanting to marry you under the current situation. You really need to get your problems sorted out before you should ever expect for him to marry you. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but your problems will be a burden for him if you don’t get them sorted out before you consider marriage.

Right now, you might want to consider some couples counseling. It’s not just for people who are married, or who are even considering marriage. Couples counseling is for people who are in committed relationships that need some assistance with communication. Right now, because he says one thing when he drinks, and says other things to your family members and not you, and because he speaks in a manner regarding the future that doesn’t involve you, you need to figure out why. A good couples counselor can help you to figure out why he can’t or won’t speak to you directly about this situation.

A good friend of mine sought out couples counseling before they decided to get married, so that they could anticipate some of the potential problems (that most people tend not to even consider until it’s too late) and how to learn how to communicate more effectively. They also went back to couples counseling before they decided to have a child, for the same reason. It’s not because they were having problems, it’s because they wanted to avoid having problems once they got into the marriage and into their child rearing. It really helped them a lot.

So before you say yes to the dress get yourself and your relationship all sorted out.

Just wanted to clarify that he has never been married before. He is 23 years old, I am 21… still quite young and not looking to get married any time soon. I was just curious about his behavior, that’s all. I don’t think my borderline personality has anything to do with it. However, it is still something I am working on, and although I haven’t been able to get into a program, I am being medicated and I am doing well. He knows all of my problems and is right there with me. Isn’t couples counselling kind of a scary thing to suggest to him? I mean, we’re not really having any major relationship problems aside from miscommunication about this whole marriage thing. He has told me that he wants to be with me forever. But again, he is kind of hot and cold about it.

I think @figbash gave you a great answer, a great way to broach the subject with him.

@Kardamom said: “Couples counseling is for people who are in committed relationships that need some assistance with communication.”

@Tequila said: ” Isn’t couples counselling kind of a scary thing to suggest to him? I mean, we’re not really having any major relationship problems aside from miscommunication about this whole marriage thing.”

You’re having trouble communicating. Go to a counselor and learn some communication techniques while your relationship is still on a positive plane. It’s a hell of a lot easier and productive than when anger and resentment issues have crept into your relationship. You will learn skills that will benefit you the rest of your life.

we’re not really having any major relationship problems aside from miscommunication about this whole marriage thing. He has told me that he wants to be with me forever. But again, he is kind of hot and cold about it.

@Tequila: Do you hear the contradictions in your language?

He’s too young. Beginning, middle and end of story.

I personally think he is too young to be even considering marriage. Are you guys even engaged? To me I would also take him at his word and consider that I am not in his future as @marinelife remarked. I am sorry, I know some answers maybe hurtful because you love him. But what do you want? Someone to marry you? If so maybe look for someone else that is in that same head space or developmental phase. But do remember even marriages are not forever, friendships can last for years, so can relationships that are not ‘married’. Marriage should also not be something that is hinted about then dropped as a surprise. Like a puppy for Christmas. It should be a wonderful decision between two adults.

@Tequila I’m not sure why I thought he had been married before, maybe it’s because he’s had quite a few other relationships and that’s where I got mixed up. I also assumed wrongly, that you both were a lot older. You have some serious problems, for being so young.

I definitely think that both of you are way too young to consider marriage at this point, and you simply have to put your borderline personality problem into the mix, how could you not? That’s a major situation and can and will be a problem for you and for him, until it gets resolved. You said you have not been able to get into a program to deal with it, and even if you were in that program, it would take two years. I’m not quite sure how you cannot see that your bpd is a huge problem. I, personally, would never purposely get involved in a romantic situation with someone who had this problem. It’s not an insult towards you or anyone else with a serious mental illness, it’s just that I, personally, would not be able to handle it, and I know that I would really not be in an equal/healthy relationship with that person, under those circumstances. Your BF may say he’s cool with it, but since he’s only 23, he has no idea of the enormity of the ramifications of that (I don’t think you do either, really).

Re-read what I said again, about couples counseling. Couples counseling is for people who are in committed relationships that need some assistance with communication. You guys clearly have a problem with communication within your relationship. The fact that you think even suggesting the idea of couples counseling to him would scare him, says that you have a bigger problem. He gives you mixed signals. He says he wants to be with you forever, but then he also doesn’t mention you in his future, and he has already told you that he may not ever want to get married.

You’re part in the mis-communication is that you don’t really listen to what he is saying, and you don’t have meaningful conversations with him at the exact moment that he is saying these things. You can speculate all you want about why he says one thing when he’s tipsy, or why he speaks to your relatives, or why he gives you mixed signals. But speculating is not the same thing as actually talking to him and asking him what he believes/thinks/wants out of a relationship. And since you two clearly have problems with communication, that is why you should seek out couples counseling, that’s what they help people with, they’re not there to scare you. That’s what politicians are for.

I was just reading the details section of one of your Other Questions and your boyfriend should have some serious reservations about getting married to you, while you are in your current situation. This is scary stuff and you need help, but getting married shouldn’t even be on your radar right now until you get this bpd thing worked out.

Your mental illness is manifesting itself by making you Extremely Jealous another red flag for anyone (male or female) contemplating marriage. Don’t you think this is a huge problem for your BF?

Instead of even worrying about marriage or anything else, for that matter, the most important thing for you is to get help for your mental illness. Do whatever you have to do to get help and don’t just simply tell us that there is a two year waiting list for the program. Find another way, even if you have to borrow money and move temporarily to another town to get that help. Re-read the answers to This Question because the Jellies have offered you a lot of alternatives with regards to getting help. And try, as best as you can, to see that you need to get help before you ever worry about or consider marrying this fellow.

You gotta get off this treadmill and get yourself sorted out. Ask your friends and family to read these threads and to beg them to help you get the treatment that you need.

@Seek_Kolinahr LOL! I am too.

@Tequila : my friend is going through a really bad relationship (guy is 23) and everyone keeps saying he’s just young, immature, that he’ll grow out of it eventually. Let me just say that women have the capacity to put up with a lot of horsesh*it. Do you want to be that girl? No offense but I am sick of this guy already. It stinks too much of so many other situations I’ve seen. He’s probably waiting around for the next best thing.. did you know that? Maybe you don’t because he’s just being a ‘wonderful’ boyfriend. Not being sure about marriage means not being sure of commitment = not being sure of you. It’s a simple equation so many people fail to understand.

When hubby and I first started dating he said something like, “well you never want to get married again and I never want to get married again…...”
I stopped him there. I told him that I LIKED marriage and I planned on getting married again to him or someone else.
He changed his tune fairly quickly when he realized that I was not looking for just a “boyfriend” but a lifetime mate and he had to decide if he liked the idea or was willing to let me go.
This August we will be married 23 years and it really has been great times. he’s a very devoted husband.
If I would have kept silent about my feelings and just let him think I was OK with never getting married we would never have made it here.
If you want to be married, then tell him. I don’t know how old you are but putting off your personal desires for his isn’t healthy and only ends up causing resentment in the long run.

What do you say when he talks about marriage in the future, but does not specifically put you in the picture as his wife? Do you talk about marriage also, what you imagine it to be, what you expect, what you want. It’s hard for us to know if it is just how he words things and he assumes you realize he means with you since he is talking to you, or if he really in his heart knows you aren’t the one. Being young has nothing to do with being excited about eventually marrying each other, even if it won’t be for a couple of years.

No matter what he says, I tend to believe you get a feeling from him because of multiple reasons. How he treats you, what he says, his body language, and other signals you pick up n that you might not even be able to pinpoint. I say trust your gut! If it seems like he isn’t going to commit, pay attention to the red flag.

Men are also afraid of marriage because they secretly think we’re all golddiggers. In the same way women are often afraid of being put in the domestic role.

Is marriage important to you?

Is it just the commitment around others that you crave?

Marriage isn’t right for every couple and marriage for social appearance isn’t right for any couple.

If you love him and he loves you, just go with it. You are young. Enjoy love. Don’t see a proposal as the finish line.

I’m like my daughter. If I am cooking, cleaning, wanting children and doing his laundry and he thinks I’m going to hang around without a ring and a “piece of paper” he’s nuts. I’d be outta there yesterday. Totally unacceptable and bratty. What nerve.

@aster A ring isn’t worth being a total doormat. You make it sound like he’s ordering maid service by getting engaged and / or married.

@Aster The OP didn’t say anything about those things.