I'm afraid I won't be patient with my future children.

I was abused physically and emotionally in childhood and adolescence. Many of the same things you describe. It’s one of many reasons I decided a long time ago that I would not be reproducing. It often scares me to be around children.

I think these tendencies can be genetically influenced, but they are always environmentally triggered as well. I think there must be ways you can unlearn these impulses, or learn to become more conscious of them and thus to cease to give them power in the heat of the moment. Have you ever thought of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Why not seek out a class of some sort on parenting? I think if you have realistic expectations of what parenting is really like, and have tools to help you discipline your children in constructive ways you might feel more confident. I think one reason parents repeat the cycle of what their parents did, even though they swore they never would, is because they know no other way. They don’t have the modeling, the example, so they revert to what they know.

Or, you could read some books about it. My friend was raised in a home with very strict parents and they beat their first born for the smallest infraction. My girlfriend was the younger sister, and she rarely was beaten because she made sure she was as perfect as possible to avoid it. But, she did do some crazy stuff when out of their sight to rebel. Anyway, as a parent she was incredible. She was calm, rarely raised her voice. She was big on offering her children choices that she would be ok with so they could feel power over their lives while still meeting her expectations. She really did her best to be fair with them, explain things to them once they could understand, and involve them in decision making regarding their own behavior. I once talked with her about it, because I knew her upbringing, and she said she read several books on parenting including discipliing, putting the kids to bed without conflict, and what to expect from children at each stage. She had also never thought she would have kids, but her husband wanted them and so she went for it. It wasn’t that she didn’t want them, it was that she just never had pictured herself as a mom before that, and it had not been her goal to have children.

Also, anger management in general might really be helpful to you, even if you just read up on it with some self help books. It might help you in several areas of your life. I think anger has a lot to do with not feeling in control and also with having expectations not met. When expectations are unrealistic the person can be angry often.

I don’t know if this is good or bad but when I hear a child crying I just think about how easy it is for that snarling, whining, pooping, peeing little monster to get whatever they want without moving, lifting a finger or even talking.

@sparrowfeed I know what you mean. But I guess we need to remember that we were all like that at some point. It’s a common fact of being human.

Don’t get me wrong, I love babies 90% of the time but sometimes toddlers behavior can really get the best of me. Luckily I’m not having kids for a long time. I just want to work through my issues before that time comes.

@LeavesNoTrace : It’s that empathy that you need to harness. I think far too often, adults forget what it was like to be a child.

@bookish1 I agree. Maybe I should read some books or something on the subject.

@sparrowfeed @LeavesNoTrace I should say I don’t have children, but what you all just said about resenting the baby doesn’t have to do anything and they get whatever they want without moving, I never feel like that when I care for a baby or child. Nothing like that ever occurs to me. I am sometimes exhausted and don’t feel like dragging my ass out of my chair or bed to do whatever it is must be done, but you both sound like the baby should be doing something other than it is capable of. The shoulds are part of what is discussed with people who have anger issues. I don’t have to remind myself an infant needs everything done for them or that a two year old has a short attention span and I shouldn’t expect them to be quiet for more than a half an hour when I take him somewhere.

@JLeslie Please don’t misunderstand me. I absolutely understand that it’s impossible to have those expectations of babies. I know I was a baby once myself and my Mom took care of me regardless. Today, I was caring for the little ones and didn’t feel that way at all. It’s only when the crying/temper tantrums become uncontrollable and without reason that I start to have these twinges of anger and frustration. But of course, I understand that babies and young children are essentially helpless, as they should be.

@LeavesNoTrace I had a horrible childhood, and understand where you’re coming from. For what it’s worth I’ve raised three fantastic kids without repeating the mistakes of my mother. I’ve made my own, for sure, but not the same ones. My girls are now 18, 17 and 15 years old, and are all doing very well.

One thing to know is that it is absolutely normal to feel angry and frustrated with children at times, even when the child is too young to know better. Even the best parents have times when they’re at their wits end, I promise! It’s what we do when confronted with that situation that really matters. When I felt like I might lash out at one of mine, I removed myself from the situation. Put the child someplace safe (playpen if they’re really little) and leave the room until you calm down.

I agree with @JLeslie…learn everything you can about effective and kind parenting, then see if you feel differently.

Being a parent has never been and will never be easy for anyone. Many people just go ahead and become one anyway, even when they knew they’d truly suck at it, as yours….(and mine)....did.

Whatever your future brings, I want to congratulate you for being so intelligent and self-aware enough to think seriously NOW about what kind of mother you might be someday. This is only instinctive on my part, but I have a feeling that a smart young woman like you will know exactly how NOT to be a lousy parent, and there is a pretty good chance that you will become a fantastic mom.

If it turns out I’m wrong, feel free to pin the blame on me….
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The very fact that you are concerned already makes you better parental material than what was instilled inyou by your parents.

Check out parenting books. Maybe some classes. Learn your triggers and remember to fulfill your mental and emotional needs.

Always remain vigilant. Though your background makes you more likely to repeat your own experiences it doesn’t have to.

Do exactly the opposite of what your parents did. Hard to go wrong that way.

What @tinyfaery said.

@tinyfaery The very fact that you are concerned already makes you better parental material than what was instilled inyou by your parents.

It isn’t unusual to feel anger at other people’s misbehaving children, especially if the parents let them get away with it. Babies crying on a bus annoy me though it isn’t their fault. This doesn’t mean you won’t be a good parent yourself. You feel differently towards your own children.

However how you relate to your own children depends largely on the relationship you had with your parents. If it was an abusive relationship it will tend to repeat with your own children. Anger leads to anger, neglect leads to neglect and love leads to love.

It’s great that you’re addressing this before the arrival of these hyper-irritating people you’ll have to be nice to.
But you know, being nice to them is only a side effect of doing the work you’ve embarked on. The core of it is, if you figure this out, you can be a lot nicer to you, too. You’ll feel very, very good once you know that a) everyone wants to throw their toddler to the lion sometimes, but mostly we don’t actually go through with it b) you’re not the people who were impatient with you – you’re you, and you’re patient and thoughtful and attentive already.
Enjoy.

After a lot of soul-searching and babysitting, I realized I probably shouldn’t be a parent. I’d be good at it, I’m sure, it’s part of my ‘responsible’ make up, but I don’t have the burning desire at all.

I wasn’t really ‘abused’ as a child, but my mom had a few issues with drinking and pushing and shoving, and has bi-polar so some may say that’s abuse, and it felt like it sometimes. I am impatient and love quiet and calm. I also married a man who didn’t want children.

The best thing I think a person can do for their future children, is really evaluate themselves honestly, even if it’s private. There is no reason to add children to the world without 100% dedication to that job, financial resources to help them, and being mentally and physically equipped (not to mention spiritually and emotionally.)

KNOWITALL said it about as well as it can be said. Society has generally conditioned people to accept how it will be “when” you have children, so most of us just accept that this is how it’s going to be.

I’ve never regretted for one second being the father of two really fantastic children, but I think that people who honestly evaluate this very serious lifelong commitment and decide that it isn’t for them deserve all of our admiration…
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@OneBadApple I see so many unhappy children that have parents who obviously didn’t self-evaluate, it’s a very sad way to grow up. My brother-in-law is constantly asking for ‘breaks’ from his 13 yr old girl, it’s almost obscene the way some parents see raising children.

@KNOWITALL I don’t think it is an overstatement to call it “almost obscene”. This world would certainly be a better place if more people (like you and your husband) honestly evaluated everything that they see around them, then made decisions accordingly.

Being around here for only a few months, I’ve read several of your posts, and it’s apparent that the rest of us are pretty lucky to have someone like you walking among us…
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@OneBadApple Aw, thanks, I needed that today. :)

A lot of people think women who don’t have children are freakshows and it’s hurtful, especially here in the bible belt where incest and/ or child abuse/ drug use are rampant.

If I’ve learned one thing in this life, it’s that there will never be a shortage of people who will try to tell you how to live, what to believe in, and what to think. It is so great that you and your husband follow your beliefs and instincts, rather than let all of these “righteous” people influence what you do (or don’t do).

The last thing that any of us should want is to be 85 years old, possibly ready to check out of this world at any moment, and think “Man….all my life I let everybody else tell me how it’s going to be…”

Trust me, there will always be thousands of people who are silently envious, admiring you both for thinking clearly and doing things your own way….
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@OneBadApple Truer words have never been spoken.

I’m a Christian but I do try really hard not to force my beliefs on others. Live and let live.

Oh yeah, I’m asked to babysit rarely, too, they think I can’t keep a child alive apparently…hahaha!

On the subject of misbehaving children:

After our children were out of the infant phase if we were out and saw/heard a child carrying on, we did not get upset at the child, we both had a bout of sympathy for the parent and a pang of guilt because our initial thought was “Well, at least it’s not mine and I don’t have to deal with it.”

To this day, I still feel that way.

I wasn’t. I was a good baby.

@LeavesNoTrace At least you’re being honest about your feelings.. I know that I’m not fond of children but at heart am a patient and caring individual. I think you will be, too. I don’t want to have kids until later, either.