How does cross-dresser like to be addressed?

Why is it so unacceptable to many when men dress this way?

Is this your real question? It’s a very different one from what’s in your subject line.

When we address people, we usually say “you,” not “she” or “he.” The gender of the pronoun kicks in when we talk about a person, which you don’t actually have to do.

My understanding is that you use the pronoun that’s appropriate to the way the person self-identifies.

@Jeruba I do realize that a female wearing jeans does not make her a cross dresser. I was using that to illustrate that clothes typically worn by men i.e. jeans are acceptable when worn by a woman. Or More masculine boots that normally are ascribed to men are also acceptable. But once a male dons a pair of heels this is quite shocking to the general population.

I asked about the’ he’ or ‘she’ reference since I was discussing this with a friend of mine who said ‘Was she wearing makeup?’ which got me thinking as to which they would prefer to be addressed when actually cross dressing.

There are many areas where anything goes and almost nothing is considered unacceptable.

Check out the holidays and many LGBT parades in Key West or the evening crowd in parts of San Francisco.

I remember the last time I was there having a routine coffee with a lesbian friend at an outdoor café and admiring a large man in full bridal panoply.

I live in a retirement community. The majority of residents are senior citizens. Not all. But the majority. One of the women who swims with us binds her breasts and wears a t-shirts and shorts when she swims. I couldn’t care any less about what anyone wears, but the first time I saw her, I did a double take. She’s in her 40s, has a crew cut, and she deliberately tries to look like a man. Seeing anyone with a t-shirt on swimming is unusual enough, let alone a woman with her breasts bound.

I imagine it would look strange at first to see a man swimming in a “woman’s” swimsuit. But that is just me and I’m sure I’d get use to it after awhile and not think twice about it if I saw it all of the time. We have a few European men who swim with us in their banana hammocks. Diversity is fun and sometimes funny. Just because it fits doesn’t mean you should wear it.

@Jeruba, you may still say miss or mr. I wonder this myself. When working with the public it is difficult to know how to refer to someone who is a cross dresser. I have even found it difficult if I encounter a female dressed very masculine with some masculine traits. Lets take a couple that looks like two men and one is dressed very feminine. The very masculine male refers to their partner as honey, and you must address them both. Will you offend if you call them ma’am or sir? What if you say sir and it is simply a very masculine looking woman. I knew a young lady once who was very feminine on the inside but she looked extremely masculine. I felt bad for her, every time someone called her sir.

I have asked this question in a setting where there was a need to know—and where there were experts to advise me. The person I asked was a cross-dresser herself. She said, “You go with how a person presents. If a person presents as a woman, you refer to her as ‘she.’”

When a person deliberately cultivates ambiguity to the point that I’m just not sure which way he or she intends to identify, but I have to speak of the person (for example, to announce that the person has volunteered to do something), I simply avoid pronouns altogether.

Again, when addressing someone (speaking to someone), the pronoun is “you.”

Preoperative transsexuals of both genders generally want to be spoken of and addressed as the gender they present themselves as, not the one they were identified as on their birth certificate. With male cross dressers who have no interest in sex reassignment, it depends. Some gay men cross dress to attract makes. They often camp it up and speak with deliberately husky voices, but not always. In the 70s in Los Angeles, there was a singer who appeared at the Drag Queen shows at the Queen Mary. She went by the name of Brandy Lee and she was gorgeous. Not only that. She did not lip sync. She sang with her own voice and it was divine. She was a truly talented singer with an extremely feminine voice. I never got to know here. I was not on the market at the time. But I found her attractive enough I’d have tried to get to know her if I had been unattached. I’d truly like to have known her story. Here she is 20 years after her youthful prime. How do you address someone like that? Hey dude?

At the time, I had a friend who I occasionally went out barhopping with. He was totally a male, but got a sexual thrill from dressing up as a leather dominatrix. His name was Dana, so that worked whatever he was wearing. He didn’t mind being addressed as a male, because he had no interest in coupling with men. He was constantly on the hunt for females that found his unique petit divertismant. With his looks, he sometimes hit paydirt.

So the answer, if it isn’t obvious, it it depends.

I have a friend who was born a male, but grew up to go the process of changing to be a trans-sexual woman. Evidently he still has issues with the change because sometimes he wears women’s clothes; sometimes, men’s. We call him Henrietta in the first case and Henry in the second. We’re all comfortable with that.

@Sunny2 That’s me. If I had my druthers, I’d be a shape shifter able to switch genders at will.

Just ask.

A biologically male person might wear clothing typically associated with biological females for any number of reasons. Some might just prefer the clothes. Others might be playing a temporary character. And still others may consider themselves women. How each wishes to be addressed may vary. So again, just ask.

How does a cross-dresser like to be addressed?
Generally speaking, by the pronouns for the gender presented. In other words if she is dressed as a woman you would use female pronouns. However this is just a generalisation and some cross-dressers do not identify as female and do not care what pronouns are used. If in doubt, ask. If you’re unable to ask for whatever reason, use “she” unless told otherwise.

Why is it so unacceptable to many when men dress this way?
Because we live in a patriarchal society where femininity is considered to be inferior to masculinity. Expression of femininity in a man is hated and ridiculed. Expression of masculinity in a woman is accepted, even praised. This of course leads to the paradox that women have much more freedom than men to dress as they wish.

Ask them. There’s no way to come up with a general rule.

For those who say “ask them”: there’s a problem there. Don’t you see it? The question assumes that you have correctly identified a person who’s presenting counter to traditional gender roles, or at least blurring the lines. It says plainly, “I don’t know what you are, and I think I need to know.” But what if you’ve made an incorrect assumption? What if they don’t even realize there’s reason for doubt?

First, that need to know is questionable. Is it really your business? Why is that?

Second, how do you phrase that question without embarrassing yourself and/or the other person? Really, what words should you use?

A young person complained to me recently that s/he had been pointed at in a mall by a child who loudly asked its mother, “Is that a boy or a girl?” This young person seemed insulted by the negative attention. I said, “I can see that that bothered you. But, to be fair, you do cultivate ambiguity.” This mid-twenties young person, who goes by a gender-neutral nickname, wears golf shirts and Bermuda shorts over a very boyish figure and has a buzz cut, but also has a feminine facial structure, wears ear piercings and pink nail polish, and speaks in what sounds like a female voice pitched low in a sort of stagey way.

But beyond that, and this is the tough one, either you’re telling someone that his or her self-presentation is ineffectual because you can see right through it—or, worse, you are calling out a lack of clear gender identity in a person who doesn’t intend to blur the distinction.

I used to attend a meeting with a person named Chris who dressed in the standard American unisex uniform of T-shirt, jeans, and athletic shoes, and I honestly could not tell whether Chris was male or female. But there was no indication that I could detect as to Chris’s possible intent to align with either sex—or to be ambiguous. If I had asked, it would only have been out of curiosity, and that’s never a good reason to pry into someone’s business. I thought that the very act of questioning would have conveyed the possibly tactless news that I couldn’t see she was a woman (or he was a man). I considered it very likely that this person, knowing his or her own gender when looking in the mirror, simply didn’t realize that a stranger couldn’t tell.

For someone who tries to be aware of, sensitive to, and open to a very wide range of sexual identities and practices, there are still a lot of ways to trip up and unwittingly give offense, not least of which is the fact that one answer may not do for all.

@Jeruba I gave that answer because that is what I have been told time and time again by friends of mine who are cross-dressers, transgendered, or otherwise outside of most people’s expectations. It rests on the assumption that you have some grounds to ask (that your need to know is justifiable and not just the random curiosity of an onlooker). As such, your example of the child is quite irrelevant. Moreover, that example is not limited to those about whom the question asks. I have long hair. Children have asked me if I am a boy or a girl several times, and I have had people shout it out in the middle of a mall as well. I am not a cross-dresser or transgendered. It’s just that children will be children and there’s nothing to be done about that. I will tell you this, though: I was much happier with the children who came up to me and asked than I was with those who shouted out randomly. But I also accept that children cannot be expected to adhere to the same standards of human decency as adults. We’re all still learning, but the latter should be a bit further along.

My example of the child is meant to show that the person in question was bothered by the child’s uncertainty, even though he or she clearly intended to create doubt.

However, thank you for taking the trouble to give me a relevancy rating.

@Jeruba You addressed my answer, as well as the answers of others. Your example is irrelevant to my reasons for giving the answer. Thus that part of my response. I’m quite sure you are familiar with how rational discussion works, so I won’t condescend to you by explaining it any further.

@Jeruba as a person whose gender is still somewhat ambiguous, I would be delighted if people ask me first, instead of just guessing. Not “Are you a man or a woman?” That way of phrasing the question really gets my hackles up. But something more like, “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to make a mistake, so could you tell me if you prefer male or female pronouns?” That wouldn’t offend me at all.

You could also just introduce yourself and try to get their name. If it’s “Susan” or “John” you’re good to go but if it’s “Pat” you might have to ask further questions.

It’s not other people’s uncertainty that upsets me. I’m a realist; I know that people can’t always tell. What upsets me more is that people would rather guess than ask.

@Jeruba: You bring up a good point, but it is still best practice to ask when you are not sure. “Nice to meet you. I’m bookish. Just checking, what pronouns do you use?/Which pronouns should I use to refer to you?” I personally know about 20 transgendered or transsexual people in real life (not all of them binary-gendered), and many more online…And they all would agree with this.

Asking someone “Which pronouns do you use/prefer?” will usually be received with grace or even gratitude by a trans person, and if posed to a cis person, might make them think of a whole category of people they have never had to consider before.

Sometimes, the most polite thing to do is to take the risk of seeming like a clueless cis person. Don’t worry about how every little step might offend someone. Just know that it’s going to happen, and be willing to apologize and move on when it does.