Grieving after 10 months!

It’s healthy to grieve there is nothing wrong with that, however I do feel you need to confide in someone not necessarily a professional as of yet, but a family member that shares your thoughts, that way you will be able to heal together rather than do it alone.

There are six of us (siblings) and all, except the abuser, are grieving together. My brother feels that he was the only one that took care of mom and he should have inherited everything she owned. Mom was conscientious enough to realize his greed and made provisions of equity within her will. But really its not the $ or material things she had that are at issue here, it’s the knowledge of his abuse after mom’s death that is hurting the rest of us. Somehow I have feelings of guilt that I didn’t live next door to her and couldn’t participate in her daily life. I went to visit her monthly and took her on most of her specialized care medical appointments. But after her death stories of abuse are surfacing one at a time and I wonder how they could have been prevented. My brother robbed the estate after her death, stole money out of the estate account, took furniture and antiques. The rest of us live out of state and didn’t know what was happening until it was too late, similar to the abuse. I can’t talk with my siblings about my own feelings without wounding theirs even more! I just wonder if being a strong woman is enough to overcome this grief or should I talk with a professional? I have a sister who is a licensed psychologist but she too has these terrible feelings of inadequacies about mom. It’s just so sad…

As long as your grief does not prevent you from functioning normally most days, I don’t think what you are describing, especially the extenuating circumstances, would be considered abnormal. If this bothers you (and it seems like it does), seeking professional help would not be a bad idea

If your comfortable, talk with someone(not a relative, possibly a friend) who is completely unaware of the situation and share your thoughts with them. What I mean by going to someone who is “completely unaware” is that they will be able to hear YOU out, and that in response while engaging in conversation, you will be comfortable and not have your thoughts intercept your feelings. Times like these, it’s very important to make sure that your heart and feelings are aligned, they say in life the longest road traveled is not necessarily from city to city or continent to continent but more of the road traveled from your mind to your heart, where your purest intentions reside. I just want to say that your more stronger than you think by expressing your thoughts in this forum, but in all reality the decision in itself comes from within and which ever route you decide I can promise will adapt to you and help you get through this time in your life.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

My fiancés mom passed away 11 years ago and he still misses her.
He’s able to function normally of course, and he said that it gets easier with time.
The anniversary of her passing every year is the most difficult for him.

10 months is a relatively short amount of time. It’s ok to still be grieving.

Hang in there.
Big ((((hugs))))

I agree with talking it out with someone who will be thinking only of you. A pastor counselor, MFCC, social worker, psychologist, psychiatrist. (going from least to most expensive.) Unburden yourself, and then perhaps you can help your sibs understand.

I’ve always heard that a mourning period of up to two years is considered normal. That was about how long it took me to come to terms with my father’s death, and there were no special circumstances around it such as there were in your case.

Given that there are aspects of your mother’s situation that go beyond your personal loss, I don’t see how it could hurt to consult a professional for help in dealing with it. A family therapist might be a good choice.

It sounds to me as though your grief is being compounded by a sense of guilt that you were not involved enough to realize that she was being mistreated. I would suggest you consult a professional to work through these complex issues.

The executor of your mother’s estate is obligated to report theft of estate assets and the police will take the appropriate action.

I believe you are suffering guilt over actions done by your brother. If you truly did not know, then you could not have prevented these things.

Remember the mother you loved and carry her goodness in your heart. You will always miss her but over time the pain will lessen both in frequency and in intensity. If these things do not improve over the next six months or so, then seeking out some counseling might be appropriate. If you are able to function in your day to day life, then your may not need professional help.

My sister-in-law passed away on August 12, 2013. Yesterday was the memorial luncheon and I cried through the entire thing. I too can function but experience many moments of intense sadness and depression. In your case the solution might be to talk to a professional. Some one objective and outside the family who can assure you that you didn’t do anything wrong and you should not take on the responsibility of your brother actions. Sorry to say (not knowing him just his actions) but he is the a$$hole not you. Had you known, you surely would have done something about it but you didn’t so stop beating yourself up. Let attorneys handle your brother’s sticky fingers. Being a strong woman doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help. It means part of your strength is knowing when you need to ask for help.

I don’t think I’m really in need of professional help just yet, but thanks everyone for the advice. The Estate Attorney has handled many of the legal issues surrounding the circumstances of theft. Proving elder abuse is very difficult; especially after someone has passed away. I’ve tried, numeral times through various agencies. It doesn’t help that I reside in another state and my mom and brother lived in the same state, almost as if they would cover it up. Thanks again to the collective…

You know where we are if you need us. Take Care. & good luck.