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poisonedantidote's avatar

(NSFW) If someone you love asked you to give them rules, could you create rules to make them feel good about who they are?

Asked by poisonedantidote (21549 points ) September 29th, 2013

Hello again everyone, today I have a spicy question for you all.

This question is related to my previous question Do you think it would be possible to train another person to think higher of themselves? that I asked recently.

Unfortunately, the vague and metaphoric way I asked the question last time, did not really get me the kind of answer I was looking for, so I am back with a new more up front version of the question.

The situation is this…

Imagine for a moment, that your partner who you love and care about a lot, has had a life long fantasy to be controlled, given orders, and generally be submissive, but have never expressed it.

Then imagine, that this person gets their hands on a copy of 50 shades, finds out that the thing they like has an entire category called BDSM, and they start to feel normal because of it, they look at porn about it, and then one day they tell you about it.

Your partner then asks you to take control of them, and impose rules on them, and allow them to try to please you, and asks you to punish them when they fail at pleasing you, and because you too have also been interested in the subject for quite some time, you decide it would be fun and agree.

Finally, imagine that because you care so much about this person, you decide that you are going to try and use this power over them, to try and make them feel better about themselves, to have higher self esteem, and to make them feel sexy and desired.

Your partner has always had delusions that they don’t look good, when they are actually worthy of magazine covers, Your partner acts shy and lacks confidence in certain situations, such as job interviews or talking to new people, and you know from past conversations they don’t like that about themselves.

That is the situation in currently find myself in.

What I want to know is: Are there any rules, training techniques, or exercises that have been shown to make people accept that they look good, or make them feel confident?

I know this is all kind of a weird thing to share, but I am a bit stuck. I have tried some specialist sites, but the people on there seem to be mostly interested in how to abuse others.

I was thinking… maybe it would be possible, to train someone to feel sexy, by doing things such as having them dress up, walk about in sexy poses until it does not embarrass them anymore, and have them repeat to themselves in the mirror things about how hot they are.

So, the question/s is/are…

If someone you love asked you to give them rules, could you create rules to make them feel good about who they are?

What kind of rules?

Would something like this work?

Can someone be made to feel more confident at a job interview by being challenged and pushed in bed, so that they had been in though situations and know how to keep cool?

Can punishments for saying you feel or look ugly, correct those kinds of thoughts? if for example you are spanked and made to say your are beautiful and sexy?

Any relevant information at all? unrelated studies on self esteem and negative reinforcement and what not?

Thanks.

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14 Answers

Headhurts's avatar

Whatever my s/o wanted in bed, he can have. Though he likes to be the one in control. He likes me to be submissive. I guess my answer is the opposite way round. Does it make him feel good? Yes, I think it probably does. He can get me to say anything he wants in bed, do something whenever he says it. That kind of power is going to make anyone feel good.

DWW25921's avatar

Oh lordy yes… That sounds great! I wish I was in your shoes! I mean, you could very well enjoy this process of discovery with your significant other. I say dive right in and go for it!

poisonedantidote's avatar

@Headhurts Yes, being the one in control is a big ego boost.

However, I have offered to return the favor, but there is no interest for her to be the one in control. Giving her the same in return was my first thought for boosting her ego, but at least for now, she does not want that.

Headhurts's avatar

I don’t think I could be in control. Certainly not to the extent that he likes to be with me.

glacial's avatar

If your goal is to help her build her self esteem, the worst thing you can possibly do is remove her responsibility for her own choices and take it on for yourself. On a very basic human level, I find it appalling that your response to her request is to consider actually fulfilling it. That makes me wonder if you are using her feelings of helplessness to satisfy your own fantasies.

Is there a large age difference between you? Have you considered that she might be drawn to you because she wants you to be her father instead of her lover? She is going to need to figure these things out for herself, and trying to impose your will on her (even if you mean well) will not help her with that. Help her find a good therapist, and let her do the work she needs to do to make herself strong.

poisonedantidote's avatar

@glacial I appreciate your concern, but it is not what you think.

According to her, she wants to do it to give me pleasure, because I have put in my hours making sure she had hers.

We are not talking about enslaving some mentally broken down girl, this is two grown and well educated adults, who have played about with spanking and things before. She is just a little shy at times, and while she tells me she some times feels pretty, she says there are other times she does not.

No one is going to be taking advantage of anyone, it is basically going to be us doing what we always do, except with a little fantasy and role play to it.

The worst she can expect is being tied up and made to orgasm a couple times in a row, and maybe get spanked once or twice. No one is going to be locked up in a dungeon and made to suffer or anything.

We have spoken a lot about it, and we are both aware that this is just a game, and that slavery and such matters are against the law, and all that stuff.

flutherother's avatar

In a nutshell I don’t think controlling anyone is ever going to help their self esteem.

Headhurts's avatar

I am shy, and have very low self esteem. Inside I am a sex goddess waiting to get out. I love sex. I love all kinds of sex. I love watching sex. I love hard core sex. Would I initiate it or say I want it? No.
I think good on you for doing this. It doesn’t mean you are treating her bad. You are not taking advantage of her. You are bringing out the woman in her and making her feel sexy.

glacial's avatar

@poisonedantidote I have answered exactly the question that you have asked, and exactly the question that you need an answer to. It’s a shame for both of you if you can’t see that.

poisonedantidote's avatar

@Headhurts This is why I am talking about shyness and self esteem. My girlfriend tells me the same, that she would like to be able to be dominant with me too, but she does not have the confidence to be that way.

@general

For anyone who does not get what I am talking about yet…

This thing of me controlling her is a game, a thing we will play in bed some times, ( a thing we have already played with before), and it is a game that will spill out in to our normal life a little too.

For example, she loves chocolate, but any time she eats any late at night, it makes her feel bad about herself and she starts to worry about her figure. So, I would give her rules, like that she has to “work off” any chocolate she eats past 10 at night.

It is just a fun game, and while I would be allowed to control her in bed, and outside of bed, it would still be very specific, and that would not stop her nagging me or yelling at me because I forgot to do something or I got lazy.

This is a thing we have talked openly about, it is a thing that makes us get horny, as well as a thing that makes us laugh at how ridiculous and silly we are for doing this.

No one is getting abused, no one is confusing anyone for their father. She tells me, the reason she likes me to punish her, is because she likes me to be strong, and because she likes it when I twist her nipples and stuff, that it feels good for her, as well as the spanking that she says makes sex feel better for her, cause it makes her tingle.

I know it is easy to get confused, because there are videos out there of people shitting in to each others mouths and being forced to endure electrical torture and stuff, but that is not us.

All it is, is a game, and I was just wondering, if there is any way I can use this game, to make her feel more sexy and open and comfortable.

Yes, there is an age gap, but it only 6.3 years difference, and I am immature for my age and she is mature for hers. This is not some little lost girl we are talking about, who needs protection and stuff, this is a grown woman, with adult womanly interests, from fashion to opening her own business.

This is a person who wants to try sky diving because she says it would be exciting. A person who has compared this feeling to the feeling of submitting sexually.

Am I going to be satisfying some fantasy for my own benefit? damn right I will, I’ll be fullfulling a few fantasies, but so will she.

All I am trying to do, is perhaps get some thoughts from people about the self esteem part, as I really think it would be a way to get her to be more confident and open up more, seeing as she has opened up a little and got more confident from the few times we have already played around with this.

And if anyone is curious, why I am talking to you guys and not to her, it is because this element of boosting her self esteem is supposed to be a surprise.

However, she does know I am talking online about something to do with the topic. She does not know what or where, but I have permission to talk about this while I research things we can do.

ETpro's avatar

Rule 1—Without ever becoming egotistical, feel better about yourself tomorrow than you do today.

Rule 2—Every day, figure out at least one more way to comply with rule 1.

Rule 3—Expect to be punished every time you appear to have failed at rule 1.

Pandora's avatar

I think the fantasy of being dominated isn’t always about being dominated. It has more to do with being so desired that your partner can’t take no for an answer. You may simply be so polite and nice to her that she feels you are practically having pity sex. This can make her feel undesirable. I think people confuse rough sex with desire and punishment with passion.

I had a friend who was into that and she said it was the only time her husband seemed most passionate and really into her. So it did get her excited as well but she realized it was his passion that she was really into. Otherwise, on normal sex days, she felt like he really wasn’t present in what they were doing.

My point is that maybe she really doesn’t see herself as unattractive, but when she’s with you she feels you don’t really find her attractive because you are being too nice.

One of the things I loved about my husband was that he was never too nice. Because of that I felt he would always be honest about his feelings towards me. I dated guys who were always nice and found that most of the time they lied about half the stuff they said. So it was hard to believe them when they said I was pretty, or smart.

Headhurts's avatar

I completely get you. I look in a mirror and I hate what I see. We got to bed and I feel like I believe I should feel. If we just had plain sex, then yes I would enjoy it, but my inner me wouldn’t be satisfied.
I have told him he can do whatever he likes. Dominate me. Make me do things, things I wouldn’t do without him making me, but things I’m screaming to do. He is a strong man, and I want him to be strong in bed. I want to feel his power on little weak me. Believe me, it is such a turn on, so exciting, and the orgasms are to die for.
The only thing he won’t do is spank me, which is ok, because he does tie me up and I wear bondage gear. Mild at the moment, but I hope hew ants to get more advanced. Not that I will say this to him, that is why I do what your girl does. I will mention it in conversation, give him the thumbs up!
This is not abuse, like you have cleared. It’s sex, and trust. She trusts you to make is fun and hot. She wants you to make her good. It will do. I feel amazing, and if you’ve read any of my posts, I don’t say that for everyday use.

elbanditoroso's avatar

I understand the question and that some people want to be dominated. Live and let live.

I, myself, don’t want that kind of control over another person. Sexual, emotional, whatever.

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