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Stocky's avatar

R.I.P. George Carlin?

Asked by Stocky (981 points ) June 23rd, 2008

Does anyone else have a favorite george carlin quote?

“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm”

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37 Answers

AstroChuck's avatar

”...and I know God is a man. No woman could fuck things up this bad.”
George was the best. A lot of today’s comics owe him their careers.

GD_Kimble's avatar

My absolute favorite——it’s long—-

“Here is my problem with the ten commandments- why exactly are there 10?

You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here’s what happened:

About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around.

Well let me ask you this- when they were making this shit up, why did they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I’ll tell you why- because 10 sound official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it’s a decade, it’s a psychologically satisfying number (the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a bullshit list. It’s a political document artificially inflated to sell better. I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that’s a little more workable and logical. I am going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I was taught as a little boy.

Let’s start with the first three:

I AM THE LORD THY GOD THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN

THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH

Right off the bat the first three are pure bullshit. Sabbath day? Lord’s name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st century. So now we’re down to 7. Next:

HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER

Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn’t be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent’s performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don’t, period. You’re down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we’re going to jump around the list a little bit.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS

Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same kind of behavior- dishonesty. So you don’t really need two you combine them and call the commandment “thou shalt not be dishonest”. And suddenly you’re down to 5.

And as long as we’re combining I have two others that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE

Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case it is marital infidelity. The difference is- coveting takes place in the mind. But I don’t think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else’s wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he’s waxing his carrot? But, marital infidelity is a good idea so we’re gonna keep this one and call it “thou shalt not be unfaithful”. And suddenly we’re down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and infidelity are really part of the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler language, positive language instead of negative language and call the whole thing “thou shalt always be honest and faithful” and we’re down to 3.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR“S GOODS

This one is just plain fuckin’ stupid. Coveting your neighbor’s goods is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays “o come o ye faithful”, and you want one too! Coveting creates jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you’re down to 2 now- the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven’t talked about yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of god than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern Ireland, Cashmire, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable. It depends on who’s doin the killin’ and who’s gettin’ killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of the two commandments:

Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.

&

Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you.

Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin’ pocket. I wouldn’t mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment:

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.”

PupnTaco's avatar

R.I.P. George Carlin? You mean should he? I don’t understand your question.

AstroChuck's avatar

The question that Stocky was asking was if anyone had any favorite Carlin quotes.
By the way, Stocky, that’s how I want to go out, as an orgasm.

Dog's avatar

” Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?”

scamp's avatar

“here are some words you will probably never hear used together”....

“Hand me that piano”
“Please saw my legs off”
“Do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone.”

These were all on his Toledo Windowbox album. I loved his humor, and I will miss him greatly.

Stocky's avatar

R.I.P. was a statement, the question was if anyone had any favorite quotes.

syz's avatar

Hmm, I can’t find the actual quote, but it was something along the line of…..“Never trust a mode of transportation that ends in a place called a terminal”.

gailcalled's avatar

For me, George Carlin is best remembered for his (now long obsolete, of course) skit on The Seven Dirty Words You Can’t Say on Television.

scamp's avatar

Did anyone mention the hippy dippy weather man yet?

monsoon's avatar

Usage of the word Fuck

Best quote: “Dissmisal: Why don’t you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck-yourself?”

gailcalled's avatar

Almost; “Dismissal; Why don’t you etc.”

thebeadholder's avatar

Oh, I am so sad. I loved George Carlin. Did you know he was the storyteller on many of the Thomas The Tank Engine videos. As soon as I heard it, I recognized his voice! What can I say? I have been at home for about 5 years now and have watched way too much Thomas! BOTHER!

Stocky's avatar

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Trustinglife's avatar

I love the documentary on the word Fuck.

But since that’s already been mentioned, I found this one:

“Terminal. Another unfortunate word to be used in association with air travel. And they use it all over the airport, don’t they. Somehow I just can’t get hungry at a place called the ‘Terminal Snack Bar.’ But if you’ve ever eaten there, you know it is an appropriate name.”

Trustinglife's avatar

Still listening to George and I’ve got another gem for you…

“There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Difference. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great!”

marinelife's avatar

I loved George Carlin. His courage in reinventing himself at the height of his first success, because he felt his persona did not represent his beliefs inspired a generation. His genius was up there with Robin Williams in terms of comic observations about everyday life.

He had a ting about airplanes for a long time. I like this one. Back in the duggie years, he also did a hysterical routine about smoking a joint and going on a plane. Whether you “get on and get off or get off and get on . . .”

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

I love George Carlin. He was hilarious.

mammal's avatar

White people have no business playing the blues ever, at all, under any circumstances. What the fuck to white people have to be blue about? “Banana Republic ran out of khakis”?
[laughter]
George Carlin: “The espresso machine is jammed”?
[laughter]
George Carlin: “Hootie and the Blowfish are breaking up?”
[laughter]
George Carlin: White people ought to understand it’s their job to give people the blues, not to get them. And certainly not to sing or play them. I’ll give you a little tip about the blues, folks: it’s not enough to know which notes to play. You need to know why they need to be played

MRSHINYSHOES's avatar

Sorry, but I found Carlin vulgar. Using vulgarity to make people laugh is not the way to go.

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

@MRSHINYSHOES He was truthful in his observations.

AstroChuck's avatar

@MRSHINYSHOES- There’s no reason for blasphemy.

MRSHINYSHOES's avatar

@Russell_D_SpacePoet He may have been truthful in his observations, but to express his observations crudely is not the way to go. Unfortunately, it may be funny to some, but those who find it funny have that same “crude mindset” themselves, and says a lot about the ugliness of the world we live in today. Humor doesn’t have to be vulgar to be effective or make a social statement. A lot of people erroneously think you have to be vulgar to make your point, or to sound and act cool and trendy, but anger at social issues can be expressed in other and more better ways.

@AstroChuck You’re right. Carlin was often blasphemous in his brand of humor, which again was unacceptable.

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

@MRSHINYSHOES Sorry if I find People who are “offended” by his type of humor to have an underlying immaturity about the meanings we as humans have attached to words. To me it’s more like another dialect. I guarantee you there are plenty of foul mouthed professors, teachers and intelligent people. More than you think. I think that saying someone has a crude mindset is rather snobbish and rude also. You see, what you may not have considered is that many of the people who would listen to him, wouldn’t care for the type of discussion you seem to deem proper. Carlin was obviously speaking to some demographic you are not a part of. Which makes me wonder why you went out of your way to put a dead man down? Sheer meanness?

MRSHINYSHOES's avatar

Well, the good thing is we won’t have to hear him anymore. That’s a positive for society and for our children. ;)

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

@MRSHINYSHOES You know, for someone who holds them self out as a cultured individual, you seem to know nothing of common courtesy for the dead. Not surprising considering your previous comments.

breedmitch's avatar

Rude prude.

MRSHINYSHOES's avatar

@Russell_D_SpacePoet I hold common courtesy only for those dead who have contributed a positive for our children. Would I have courtesy for Charles Manson when he dies? Definitely not. In my eyes, both Carlin and Manson are destructive, negative influences, something I wouldn’t want the youth of society to mimic.

Anyhow, that’s enough said. I won’t be visiting this thread again. So long! ;)

@breedmitch How sweet my friend. Shows how little you know of me. Lol. Goodbye dude.

breedmitch's avatar

Oh the fun George Carlin would have had being compared to Charles Manson…
I can almost hear him.

breedmitch's avatar

Oh. And I’m not your friend, prude.

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

@MRSHINYSHOES Your comparison of Carlin to Manson just shows your ignorance. Manson was a cult leader/ murderer. Or at least he had people kill for him. I don’t believe that Carlin was responsible for anyone’s death. He did open many eyes to the bs of society and government. Stupid comparison.

breedmitch's avatar

I don’t know, Russell. George was pretty evil in Thomas the Tank Engine.

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

@breedmitch Well I didn’t think about that. Evil bastard…

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Adirondackwannabe's avatar

We’re gonna fuck you sheriff, but we’re gonna fuck you real slow, and fucking meow.

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