My friend is severely depressed and unresponsive to reason. I'm worried. Should I intervene?

This friend of yours suffered a terrible trauma at a tender age, and she needs professional treatment, which I don’t think you are able to provide. You have given us a very good description of her struggles and of yours with her behavior.

It’s my opinion that her behavior as expressed here is intolerable. You have every right to carefully write a list of what you have experienced at her hands and what you have observed. I suggest you actually mail her a letter.

You can then leave the “ball in her court,” so to speak.

I think with this particular case, I would send her a short, to the point letter, explaining how upsetting her behavior is to you, cite a few examples such as you have given us, then let her know that you’d be happy to help her, if she’s willing to get into some counseling, but in the meantime, your relationship has deteriorated to the point of causing you great anxiety and grief. Then walk away.

She’ll probably be very pissed off at you and not want to talk to you or see you. But believe me, you’re better off without her. She sounds like a train wreck that is unwilling to be fixed.

Sometimes you just have to walk away from toxic situations.

If she comes crawling back to you for help and forgiveness (which is highly unlikely) then give her a guideline of what you are willing to do, and a time frame in which you are willing to help her. This should involve getting her to a doctor to assess her “illness” and then getting into some kind of therapy to help change her behavior. But like I said, it is almost 100% unlikely that she will be willing to do this, and she’ll think that you are a meddling, horrible friend. She doesn’t realize that there is something wrong with her, that is part of the whole ugly cycle of illness and paranoia.

Last, but not least, don’t blame yourself for this situation, nor feel guilty for walking away. It sounds like you’ve been a good friend for a very long time, but you are being used, in a way. It’s not fair that you should have to put up with this kind of treatment. If she is unwilling to help herself, you should not be the one trying to help her, with no results.

I think you have to write to her and tell her most of what you are telling us. I would couch it in the most loving and gentle terms you can but tell her that it is hard for you to see her the way she is and ask if there is anything you can do to help her. You should probably tell her the behaviors that make it so difficult for you when you are together and indicate that if there is no way she can change them, you will have to distance yourself from her for now.

It is hard to be depressed and it is hard to try to help someone who won’t be helped. This is a painful situation for all.

I’m considering writing her a letter saying that as her friend I’m not suggesting, I’m insisting that she gets professional help so she can feel better. Would it come off as bribery or insincere if I included something like a book, or an herbal tea as a gesture of caring and good will?

@LeavesNoTrace I think it would piss her off more. If she was not suffering from this insidious condition, it would be different, but because she already has delusions of persecution, the gesture of a book or comforting tea would come across as patronizing.

I think you do need to let her know that her behavior (give her 1 or 2 specific examples, do not generalize, and do not give her the whole laundry list either, because that would be too overwhelming and look like you are attacking her) is becoming increasing uncomfortable for you, and let her know that it gives you a lot of grief and anguish seeing her in so much pain most of the time that you see her. Let her know that you think she should first see a doctor, and then let the doctor suggest a therapist. Let her know that you can help her make the doctor appointment and even go with her, if she wants you too. She will probably scream at you and suggest that you are attacking her, and that you are the one with the problem, and that you are the negative person. I’m just warning you in advance, so that it won’t come as such a shock to you, when she inevitably throws it all back in your face.

I still think that she will take any measure that you take as an affront, I’ve seen it happen a few times with my own relationships with friends, and some other situations (that didn’t involve me) with family members (who are still feuding after 15 years).

The other possibility (that did not go well with my family situation) is to have an intervention. We should have called in professionals, but did not do that. If you choose an intervention, use a professional service, do not go it alone, because your friend will simply see it as an attack on her. And don’t forget (so you do not feel guilty) that she is suffering with a slight break with reality. Things will not sound logical to her in her current state of being.

@LeavesNoTrace I like that idea. How about a kind of “care package”, filled with things to make her heal? Some harmless stuff (bath salts, tea, chocolate?), the letter, and a number of a therapist near her. You might wanna call him/her in advance, to make sure they don’t have a nine-year waiting list.
The letter, with or without extra items, might make her angry enough to stop talking to you. But if she is as dramatic as you say she is, it is also possible that she is grateful for someone taking charge and acknowledging her pain. Not saying you have not done that before, but it might have to be very explicit.
I’m sorry you are in such a difficult situation. Good luck!

She doesn’t sound depressed. She sounds like a raging bitch that loves to play the victim.

Her not talking to you ever again is probably the best outcome.

When I was 10 my mom shot my dad in the face while I was in the house. Somehow I managed to be only a slightly insufferable dick.

@johnpowell You’re right, in that she sounds like a raging bitch, but I think it is the depression and delusional thinking that makes her be like that. She does need professional help, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that our @LeavesNoTrace is the person that should be held responsible for getting her that help. She can certainly try to help her friend get that help, but I don’t think she should feel guilty for one second if she feels like wants to walk away. None of us would consider her to be a bad person if she walked away. I would (and have) walked away.

@johnpowell “When I was 10 my mom shot my dad in the face while I was in the house. Somehow I managed to be only a slightly insufferable dick.”

That’s horrible. Your stories about your childhood always make me wonder how you grew up to be as well-adjusted as you seem to be on Fluther. You often have great advice. However, as I’m sure you know, people deal with trauma in lots of different ways – and a dad killing himself is, undoubtedly, a big deal. Quite enough to cause a depression, IMO. So, though she certainly sounds like “a raging bitch”, it might be better to give her the benefit of the doubt. The OP will have to decide for herself.

That is sort of the crux. I don’t think the friend will in any way take the suggestion of seeking help as anything other than you calling them broken.

Note: I see a shrink once a month. But I did that on my own. If at 25 someone told me I needed one I would have punched them in the dick/clit.

@johnpowell That’s why I suggested that our @LeavesNoTrace consider the idea of employing a professional intervention. Sometimes that can work a little bit better, rather than just having one well meaning friend try to help. The woman may still refuse, but I think the OP really does want to try something, before she walks away, even if in the end, that is what ends up happening.

@johnpowell Okay, I agree with that point.

I agree that you should approach her with your concerns.

When a child feels rejected by their parent, it creates a deep sense of being unlovable. We often hear people say how their children are there reason for living or their purpose in life, so a child whose parent chooses to end their life feels as though their own existence was not valuable to their parent.

Your friend’s behaviors are very familiar to me… from my own personal experience and that which I have observed from my friends and family. When a person feels unlovable, they push other people away. When a person feels as though they have no control in their life, they start to micromanage little things by being picky. Even ‘not liking’ therapy can come from believing oneself unworthy of the investment of time and money. There is usually also a fear of losing control of one’s emotions if they are asked to discuss the events that traumatized them.

Tell your friend that you were glad that you got to spend some time together, but that you were sad that things didn’t flow as easily between the two of you. Tell her how things used to be so comfortable together – like sisters – and that you miss it. Mention how the hard times you’ve both been through with your families has had an impact on you both, and comment on how hard the grieving process is and how difficult it is to foster a sense of hope after such loss. Point out how important such a close friendship is in these tough times, and that while the specifics were different, you’ve both lost a parent and had to deal with challenges with other family members – you can be there to support each other. This expresses to her that you care and you miss her and that you can relate to some degree. Demands and ultimatums just help prove that she’s unlovable (self-fulfilling prophecy: be difficult so people will reject you).

Perhaps there are on-line communities for people who have lost someone to suicide that you can suggest to her? It could be a way for her to feel less isolated and to help her detach from her father’s actions. I hope you get through to her.

^^ I wish I would have said that.

You have to tell her pretty much what you have told us. Tell her how much you care for her and how it pains you to see her so unhappy. Make clear that you will always be there for her. You also have to show her in a good natured manner how difficult she makes it for you. When she pulls one of her shenanigans you have to tell say that it is not right. Ask her how she would feel if you did the same thing to her. Make clear that you want to help, but that she has to meet you part of the way.

She seems to have a personality disorder rather than just depression. Encourage her to see a good psychologist so that she may regain a sense of control over her life.

Oh my god she sounds like more trouble than she is worth why would you bother. I’m sorry about her family life, but what @johnpowell said. I have a sister like this- the only reason I can deal is because we are on opposite sides of the planet and she is my sister. I would and have, lost a friend like this ages ago.

I think you should make a self-intervention for the sake of your own well-being not to worry too much about this friend. Not saying don’t do anything at all but try to enjoy other friends without similar problems.

While no one is more trouble than they are worth, we all have to choose how much we care and with what we are able to cope. Backing away is a valid choice but not the only option.

I have nothing to add to this wealth of wisdom. Good luck!

Thanks to all of you for the great responses. I am still vacillating on what to do in this situation. I’ve been in touch with another close friend of ours who shares my concern and also cares for her greatly. We’re not sure whether to take the “though love” approach as it may drive her further away and hurt her more than help her. I especially agree with @hearkat in this situation since we don’t want to reinforce the idea that she’s unlovable. Clearly my friend’s self-esteem is in the gutter and no doubt she’s not coping with the well with past issues from her life to the point that little things become huge points of contention which trip her up daily and make her miserable.

I’m inclined to view her difficult and yes, frankly “bitchy” behavior as a cry for help. I haven’t heard from her since she left on Monday morning so I’m sure she’s upset with me regardless but hopefully I can help her before she destroys herself and drives everyone away.

Standing by for any more feedback you may have. Thanks!