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idealstar50's avatar

"(NSFW)" My boyfriend gets angry when I don't want to be intimate?

Asked by idealstar50 (93 points ) November 7th, 2013

My bf is always angry when I say I don’t want sex. He gets really annoyed and says mean stuffs like, “I would go get it elsewhere”, or “why do we live together if you refuse to have sex”, “you want me to get you things but you can’t give me what I want ”. I love him so much, when he says those stuffs I sometimes tell him to go ahead and have sex with someone else, but deep down in my mind i don’t want him to. I just don’t get turned on, and whenever I do he always teases about my screams, orgasms, how good the sex was, etc. And most times I feel pain in my vagina, so the thought of having sex is scary. I usually offer to give him a bj, sometimes he agrees other times he says he wants the full package or nothing. I don’t know what to do. How do I make him understand? Please I need answers asap. Thanks

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42 Answers

snowberry's avatar

Tell him to get lost. He is abusive, and no amount of abuse is going to solve your problems.

Your problem may be physical, or perhaps he is just impatient and rough. Either way, he’s a loser.

trailsillustrated's avatar

Straight up abuse. If you stay with him, it’ll get worse.

Neodarwinian's avatar

Cut your loses, now.

You could try counseling, but you probable would be the only one going from what I read between the lines.

Valerie111's avatar

You could ask him to go slow and be gentle. Try more foreplay.

But think about it, do you really want to be with someone who verbally abuses you and possibly only using you for sex?

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

I’m tempted to say “Tell him to go fuck himself,” but I can’t trust that the mod who sees that will understand that it’s a real answer.

You don’t need “answers”; you need a new boyfriend.

livelaughlove21's avatar

Run. Far far away.

And see a doctor about pain during intercourse.

tom_g's avatar

@idealstar50@Neodarwinian has some great advice: “Cut your loses”

And by “your loses” s/he means “his f*cking throat” (or at least that’s what it should mean).

josie's avatar

Tell him to stuffs it.

ucme's avatar

Does he now, does he really?
Well then it’s really very simple, you tell him to fuck right off, he’s a cunt.

bob_'s avatar

Get a new boyfriend.

bolwerk's avatar

Forget that he’s a dick. Why stay with someone whose sexual needs are so different than yours?

anniereborn's avatar

This is someone that only cares about what HIS wants are. Anyone that loves another person would try to understand. They would not verbally abuse you like he is doing. You really ought to see a doctor about the pain. It may be physical. Or it may be a reaction to the way you are being treated. Either way you need to find out what is going on down there.
I am 45 years old. I have had problems with sexual desire for 25 years. I have my own issues that I won’t get into here. The reason I bring this up is that none of my men have ever treated me like your boyfriend is you.
I am currently married and have the most understanding and patient husband around. You deserve much better.

Rarebear's avatar

Agree with @snowberry. Dump him.

deni's avatar

Holy shit, he sounds terrible. That, or you guys are young and just aren’t comfortable enough with yourselves to have sex pleasantly. No mature, rational individual would threaten their girlfriend that they live with that they’d GO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE if you don’t put out. That’s bull shit. He’s a loser.

idealstar50's avatar

@deni i’m 21 and he’s 26. @anniereborn scared of doctors,that’s weird cause i’m a student nurse. @bolwerk cause I love him and he can be so sweet and nice.

Coloma's avatar

Yes, dump him ASAP! He is abusive and has zero respect for you as a separate person not an ” on demand” robot there to cater to his every sexual impulse.
You are an individual person with your own individual feelings in the moment. This guy is BAD news, please listen to us older and wiser peeps!

idealstar50's avatar

I’ve tried ending things with him, but I always go back or accept his apologies. But the pressure is getting unbearable. I can’t tell my friends I broke up with him cause of sex. He really is a great guy.

idealstar50's avatar

@Coloma thanks would do

Coloma's avatar

@idealstar50 He is NOT a great guy and YOU are making excuses for his abuse.
The whole line of he can be so sweet and nice, well yeah…that’s THE game of abuse. I’m done here, but if you have half a brain in your head you will move on and stop making excuses for his crappy behavior.
Vicious dogs can be sweet too, but…they are unpredictable…that’s the whole POINT!

Seek's avatar

^ That.

Besides, dumping him is better than getting secondhand herpes from one of his revenge lays.

augustlan's avatar

That kind of behavior is completely unacceptable. You need to be strong and DTMFA.

bolwerk's avatar

@idealstar50: coercion doesn’t seem sweet and nice, and sweet and nice can still be opportunistic and manipulative. You are miserable now, and avoiding the one solution: DTMFA.

snowberry's avatar

@idealstar50 Notice that NOT ONE person has suggested you even try to apologize to him. Every. Single. One. of us has told you that this guy is bad news. If he sounds good to you, then you have had a really, really bad life. Please, save yourself before it’s too late. If you stay, it’s only going to get worse. And for heavens sake, PLEASE DON’T bring a child into the world with this Neanderthal.

Smitha's avatar

This is definitely a reason to break up! How could he say such mean things? His behavior clearly states that he does not care about you and all he needs is sex! I think he sees this relationship more like ” friends with benefits” and entirely based on sex and not on trust or love. I know it will be hard to leave him, but trust me, it is what’s best for you. If you really love him talk to him about it or you need to experiment with yourself what you like and then let your boyfriend in on it. Maybe he’s being too rough? That could be a turnoff.

ccrow's avatar

Yes, go to a good doctor(after you DTMFA). When I was first with my husband, I also had pain; after wasted doctor visits to an ob/gyn group where they would say, ‘that shouldn’t hurt’, give me meds and tell me no intercourse for however long, I changed doctors and saw one that a friend recommended. It turned out I had an abscess on/near an ovary; after several courses of antibiotics, it cleared up. If you have something like that going on, it won’t fix itself! OTOH, if your bf is as much of a prince as he sounds like, you may not be lubricating enough, so yeah, it hurts. Either way… and listen up honey, he is most definitely not a ‘great guy’. Truly great guys don’t treat women that way.

LuckyGuy's avatar

I am in total agreement with everyone else. If this relationship is not good for you then you must leave this guy.

One minor thing bothers me about something you wrote. He says: “you want me to get you things but you can’t give me what I want ” Is that true? Do you ask him to buy you things? Are you living for free? Is he forking out money to keep you happy?
Are you contributing to the living arrangement? Can you support yourself if you left?
(You don’t need to answer these questions to me. Answer to yourself.)

If you are playing the role of a “kept woman” then do not be surprised if he expects full benefits.

If you are not happy – get out. And go to a doc to find out why sex is painful.

livelaughlove21's avatar

@LuckyGuy So a woman that does not work owes her SO sex at his will in return for being financially supported? She should have sex with him even when she doesn’t want to because he pays the bills?

Katniss's avatar

What an asshole. I agree with everybody else. Dump his ass. He doesn’t care about you at all.

Coloma's avatar

@Katniss Good point! No, of course not.
Mutually agreed upon relationship arrangements such as agreeing to be a stay at home mom does not automatically make a woman a sex slave because some guy is keeping a roof over here head and feeding her her daily bread. Pffft…that’s an archaic mindset for sure.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@livelaughlove. Not at all. You know me better than that. I don’t want to derail the thread. I was asking the question (but not asking) if the original intent of the relationship was a sugar daddy – sugar baby “deal”.

Response moderated (Off-Topic)
ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

Um, while what he said was bad and not in any way appropriate it sounds like he’s hurt and feels rejected. I’m willing to bet he does not actually mean a lot of it. You simply need to tell him the truth and if he understands then it’s a good sign otherwise tell him to get lost. You’ll need to seek treatment for your fear of intimacy and again you must be honest about it if you are not being straight with him. Excuses will only make the situation worse. You’re not being 100% straight with us either I’m guessing because I’m close to someone in the same position as you. PTSD from past abuse? You don’t want to leave him because he makes you feel safe?

idealstar50's avatar

I took y’all advice and talked with him, he said he didn’t know that’s how I feel towards the things he says. So he’s trying to make everything right. @LuckyGuy I can take care of myself if I break up with him, but he’s my bf and I need nice things from him, not that I can’t get it myself. Besides, this is the 21st century not the 18th century, the archaic idea that a guy owns a girl, no longer exists.

snowberry's avatar

Hum, OK then. Don’t let him backslide on you. It seems weird to me that he thought that sort of behavior was all right, and I am concerned that his attitude will show up in other ways. I definitely don’t get good vibes from your description of him.

Seek's avatar

Yeah. This sounds like the cycle of abuse just made it back to the top again. “Aww, c’mon baby, you know I love you. I’ll be better, I promise.”

LuckyGuy's avatar

Yep. Sounds like the cycle again…. See how long it stays on the up.

(your comment: “he’s my bf and I need nice things from him.” is still a little troubling.)

I wish you well. Keep us updated. We’re not going anywhere.

Katniss's avatar

@idealstar50 Of course no man owns you, but some men think they own you.
I think maybe that is the point @LuckyGuy was trying to make.
Just remember a leopard doesn’t change its spots. If you bf thinks you might leave him, he’s going to say and do anything he can to keep you.
I truly hope he’s being sincere, but he sounds abusive and his good behavior probably won’t last.

chinomoreno's avatar

1) If you have pain – visit your doctor
2) When you will give him sex, he will start to manipulate you with other aspects of your life
3) Do you think you can live all your life with him? Because this is an actual point of having relationships.
Think about it carefully, he can ruin your self esteem and you might have problems with men in the future.

Headhurts's avatar

Why are you with him if you don’t want to have sex with him?

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Take the adive Oprah said: No one makes you a doormat but yourself.

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