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My stepmom thinks I'm coming between her and my dad?

Asked by Feta (660 points ) December 23rd, 2013

I think I’ve mentioned my problems with her here before, but I recently had a “heart to heart” with her and finally the truth came out.

As I suspected, she really does think I’m trying to take her position. The exact quote from her was, “You need to remember where you come from (poverty and abuse), you’re a spoiled brat and you need to get it through your head that I’m the queen of this house.”

I then proceeded to ask exactly what makes me a “spoiled brat” and she said because I’m never satisfied with what I have (I am), and that I always say I want things.

The only thing I ask them for are basic necessities. I do say that I want new camera lenses, but when I say that, I’m just trying to share my interest in photography by telling them about these lenses; I’m not asking for them.

I explained that to her and she got defensive because she realized she was wrong (it’s not the first time I’ve explained that to her though).

Anyway, recently she’s been making sly comments. Like at my birthday dinner, she ordered two big slices of cake and I was to split mine with my uncle and she and my dad were going to share theirs. She had already grabbed a plate with cake on it (unbeknownst to anyone, she was cutting it in half for me and my uncle) so I obviously got the other cake.

She blew up at me, “OH, YOU’RE GOING TO SHARE ONE WITH YOUR DAD? THIS ONE WAS FOR YOU, ME AND YOUR DAD CAN SHARE BECAUSE WE’RE A MARRIED COUPLE.”
I tried to explain that I thought the cake she had was the one she was taking for herself but she wouldn’t have it. She just talked over me.

So she ruined my birthday basically.

If she had her way, I would stay upstairs all day and never come down to talk to anyone. She said I shouldn’t text my dad because it’s weird. I recently went to New York City and didn’t have time to call my parents, so when I got home I apologized and she said, “No, I’m proud of you. I expected that you’d be calling and texting your dad everyday. You’re almost an adult.”

So I said, “Well, in college I’m going to call…” and she blew up at me again saying I’m not mature enough for college and that I’m going to drop out of NYU because I won’t be able to handle being alone. That I’m so antisocial I can’t make friends at my (very cliquey and small) high school, then how am I supposed to make friends at college?
I don’t make friends at my school because the kids aren’t very intelligent…they go to parties and have a lot sex and do serious drugs and I’m not into that. And the geeky kids are just…weird. I’ve asked to be home schooled and she said no because it would ruin their retirement to pay $3000 for me to home schooled online.

This could get really long so I’m going to summarize the rest of the problems:

- She talks very badly about me on the phone to my dad. I’ve heard her say some pretty nasty things and he just doesn’t say anything. I’ve asked him to speak to her about it and he ignores me. One day I even got so upset about what she said that I started crying and he said he’d definitely talk to her because he didn’t know it made me that upset. He never did. I asked why and he said, “I haven’t found the right time to” or he makes excuses, “She’s just really stressed out at work right now.”

- She says that she comes first in my dad’s life because she’s his wife. I said, “I’ve been in his life longer than you have…” and she yelled again, “I’m his WIFE.” I asked my dad and he agreed that she comes first. He said that everyone would agree with him, the wife always comes before the children. When they first got married I asked if he had to choose between us, who would he choose (I was insecure about the situation because they got married after only a year of knowing each other and she was already calling the shots, if she didn’t want us over for visitation, we wouldn’t go, and she controlled what he said to us, what he bought us, and when he could call us; there was even a situation at Thanksgiving where her grandchildren and daughters and MY family got to sit at the main dining table and me and my brother were made to sit in a different room), he said he’d always choose her.

- She’s trying to claim my family.
My grandmother recently passed away and she tried to say that I was fake-crying at her funeral. When we got home my dad actually confronted me and asked me why I was “really” crying.

Last summer I went with my dad to visit my grandfather who I hadn’t seen in 10 years. She was a bitch to me the entire time before we went. I found out in this conversation that she begrudged me going with my dad alone on that trip (even though she had to opportunity to go, she refused to get on the plane). I asked why and she said, “Because he’s my father-in-law.” And I said, “Well I feel like I’m more entitled anyway because he’s my biological grandfather…” and she yelled at me, “He’s my father-in-law. I’m married to your father. I’m more important.”

She’s even insinuated that my grandfather loves her more because she’s sent him a few emails and he’s only met me once. She asked him in one of those emails what he thought about me and he said he remembered me being very quiet ( I had problems from the abuse ), so she rubbed it in my face for awhile that he thought I was weird and quiet and spoiled and he thought she was just perfect.

I feel like a guest in my father’s home, even though he’s had custody of me for four years. I asked her and she said, “Yes, you are a guest in my home. Everything you own is mine. Your bedroom furniture, your computer, TV, everything. You’re not taking that when you’re 18.” She also follows me around if I go downstairs. If I open a cabinet in the kitchen she always asks, “What are you doing?” and comes over to see for herself.

She also said I should be thankful that I escaped the abuse to live here because she didn’t want me to live here and if she didn’t want me to, my dad wouldn’t let me (which is true), and if she hadn’t found the kindness in her heart to allow me to move here, I’d still be living in squalor.

I’m so sorry this is long. To me, it’s just important to share every detail to truly paint the picture of what I’m going through.

I don’t know what to do! She’s ruining my relationship with my father and he’s just going along with it.

I’m afraid that when I move out I’m not going to be allowed to see him or call him even though he says I will, she says I won’t.

I’m also worried about my dad’s belongings. She’s got 3 money-hungry 40 something year old daughters who have no lives and when she dies, the only assets she has are what belongs to my dad’s family estate. She says that everything will go to me and my brother but my dad is so brainwashed into trusting her that he hasn’t had a will written.

He says that won’t happen, that if he dies first, she will give us what is “rightfully ours”.

I just hate this whole situation.

I don’t have my mother because of her mental illness and my stepmother is trying to take my father from me too.

What can I possibly do to fix it?

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