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I don't know how to be mentally healthy after my family problems?
I am 20, in college. I am with my family for the christmas break. I’ve been nothing but a sharing, open person with them. I haven’t hidden anything.
I was sleeping, my mother woke me up, I asked if theres anything to drink. She said hot tea? I said no, she said green tea (she knows its expired and it tastes terrible, i told her) I said no that I dont like that. She said hot coffee, i said its so hot in the house so I’d rather drink something cold. Then i told her that its okay, ill get up and get something myself.
Then she kept going. Do you want this, do you want that? I said no because she started counting freakin fruit. I was super thirsty. Then she started to scream at me. My heart was pounding so fast. I was still in bed.
She has these moments where she screams at me insulting me for minutes after minutes in another room, without talking directly to me. I hear it, but if i try to respond she will not listen and continue to insult me in the cruelest ways, screaming. Some examples: She says I dont eat anything she makes (i didnt eat ONE thing which was a terrible mushroom omelette which has two worms in it- i dont have to eat all the things). It drives me insane when someone is unfair with me, and because my mother had always been unfair with me, I have a problem with injustice. I cant stand it at all and I push people because I overreact to the smallest unfairness.
She was screaming telling me that I dont have a bf, i dont have friends (I am not like most people, I am an introvert), that i am too open and i am the worst person she ever knows, she said she is being fake to me when she is nice, she cant stand me, she wishes i was dead, etc. I mean MILLIONS of horrible things and all are so unfair. She even said I am the reason she is sick (she has a disorder which she had for years, I was away at school for years though).
She was screaming so loud in the kitchen for about half an hour, and no matter what I say she didn’t stop.
This did happen many times before. She keeps insulting me screaming at me without listening to me. I am permanently damaged because I can’t stand people being unfair anymore, and I have big trust issues and I was suicidal. I don’t know how to deal with the situation anymore.
The worst part of it is I feel guilty and upset when I hit something in the room because there’s nothing else I can do. I feel so upset and think I am a terrible person. Please tell me what I should do here. I feel so broken hearted, I need help.