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Shizuko's avatar

Controlling/childish parents..how to move out with boyfriend?

Asked by Shizuko (10 points ) January 9th, 2014

Okay firstly..I’m 19 turning 20 on February 20th (yes lol). Second born from my other 3 siblings. I’ve been through a lot with my parents. Long story short, they interfered with my relationships. Most of them broke up with me because of them.

Mom: manipulative, quick tempered, childish at times
Stepdad: Childish, loud and irritating, controlling, likes to argue, clean freak, lazy but does what he wants..

My biological father I talk to at times, he’s more understanding and has talked to me..he lives in another state with his wife..

My big sister Ive talked to knows how my parents are and angry with them..and shes someone I can talk to..but I cant move in with her and her hubby..small studio apartment.

They put parental controls on my computer, I don’t go out as much cause I don’t really have friends to hang with (besides my best friend across the street) but they want me home some hours later and make a fuss when I come home an hour late. They don’t give me a key for the house and wait for me to get home, see no logic in that.. I envy my friend for having understanding parents,letting her go and come back as she please but also not spoiling her.

One time, referring back to one of my previous relationships, ran away and stayed with him a while cause they got really peeved that I stayed at house to hangout, lied and told them he was a friend till they looked at my texts. forbidden me to not see him again when they found out I was dating him..they are quick to judge someone. They never sat down to get to know the guy but made fun of his looks and said he could be a psychopath?

My mom is forcing pills on me and making me see a psychiatrist guy who is a total jerk. Cant believe what he said, he’s worst than my controlling parents, wow. originally wanted to get me to have a disability check. But I don’t have a disability. That time I had a breakdown because my parents were yelling at me, calling me stupid and stuff. Sent me to a mental place, seen terrible things there.

Got so depressed staying here, wanting to go back to smoking and trying not to self harm again. Haven’t been eating as much, but my pets at time keep me company/going.parents can be nice sometimes but..back to what they were.

Anyway..my current caring/understanding boyfriend, (lives in Iowa, I’m in Illinois) in the spring time. I planned on moving in with him and his best friend, but not sure how to go with my parents will try to make me stay. I’ll miss my dog, they wouldn’t let me take him since they bought him and I have no say in anything..

My mom has my social security, saying if I don’t ’‘get better’’ I wont be able to work anyway. & that if I don’t take my pills the doctor, psychiatrist person.. can throw me in a hospital where they make me take the pills that I don’t need. (btw she takes meds too, for high blood pressure though.) Help?

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18 Answers

DWW25921's avatar

It’s best to have a fall back location when you’re moving out. In other words, when you leave have a plan… and a plan B. This is your life and it’s worth thinking through all of your options. That’s really all I’ve got for now…

pleiades's avatar

Hm, the way you write sounds like you go off in tangents with your thoughts. Is it easy for you to focus?

Silence04's avatar

I would suggest seeing a psychologist and not just psychiatrist, they will help you get yourself on the path you want to be on.

Katniss's avatar

You’re an adult. You can do what you want. However, if you do decide to run off to Iowa and your boyfriend isn’t all you thought he was going to be, what then? Will your parents let you come back home?
I agree with @Silence04. Your head needs to be in a better place before you do anything like move across the country. On the other hand, I’m not sure how your head can be in a better place living in that situation. Do you have other family that you could visit or at least talk to?

snowberry's avatar

Do you have a job? Can you get a job? Even if your boyfriend loves you and all that, if you move out, you’re still going to be expected to be able to provide for yourself.

I’d like to see the situation from your parents’ point of view. Childish behavior aside, I suspect there is a reason they’re behaving the way they are.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

You do seem to have some problems, but you also seem to be focusing on the wrong ones as “high priority”.

If you have a tendency to self-harm and engage in risky behavior (and let me tell you that lying to your parents about where you are when you’re underage and totally in their custody and running away simply because you disagree with their discipline are “high risk” activities), then your mother and stepfather are correct in being concerned about that, even if their actions may not be optimal in your eyes – or mine. Those are some things that you need to work on to prove to anyone that you are a competent adult: self-discipline; control; ability to put up with petty things and not run away or overreact. We all have to do that; only children, under pretty strict parental supervision, can get away with those kinds of bad behavior for long. That’s partly why you find yourself where you are now.

Second, it does seem like you have problems expressing yourself. Frankly, you do not write well at all. (I’m curious to see how you will respond to these criticisms.)

If I were your parent – and since my own kids are older than you by nearly ten years, I could be – I would be concerned about you “out in the world”, too. I would be very concerned about the thought that you might leave home at this point in your life, when you seem very unready for that.

Boyfriends don’t always remove complexity; they usually add to it. And if you have moved away from and/or alienated your mother, then you could find yourself in much bigger trouble than you perceive now.

My advice would be to get yourself under control, and learn to live with the discipline that your mother is attempting to enforce, even though you obviously don’t like it. Learning to put up with a certain amount of petty nonsense is part of being an adult, so prove to yourself first that you can do that. There will be plenty of time for you to make your own rules later in life. I do agree with you that you should avoid incompetent and shady psychiatrists who simply want to put you on drugs and claim benefits that you yourself don’t feel that you need. So if you must see a psychiatrist, see a competent and ethical one.

Above all, I would stress that you need to stop neglecting your education and work on your means of expression. If people can’t understand you then your life is going to be a world of hurt.

ibstubro's avatar

Well, you did a good job of telling your story from your viewpoint.

Sounds like the fact of the matter is that you’re lucky your parents are still letting you live there, and that the alternative is some form of institutionalization or residential care. You best course would be to start taking your doctor prescribed medication faithfully and voluntarily and see if that helps you to focus on your school and working with a professional on your mental health.

Obviously this is not a case of a young woman being held against her will. You are where you hare because of serious problems in the past, and you need to get serious about getting over (and not repeating) them. Life is constantly going to force choices and hardships on you, and you need to try to get the lifeskills to deal with them without coming apart.

Yes, everyone but your mother and stepfather appear to be more supportive. That’s because they’re not supporting you. Face facts, if your mom didn’t love you and care about you, she could have turned you over the child services years ago.

Now’s the time you need to decide that you’re going be a willing participant in your own growing maturity.

I honestly wish you the best. Realistically you have another 50+ years on this planet. Try to cool off and spend a year or two making the rest of them worthwhile.

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

I am in total agreement with both @CWOTUS and @ibstubro. You have a lot to deal with, and whether you agree with your parents or not, it is a much more loving and comfortable environment than moving in with some guy across state lines, having fights with him, working at Hardees, and having nowhere to stay. Get things sorted out before you leave. If your doc is hard for you to like, see if your parents will help you find another one. If you work together on that detail, they might appreciate the cooperation and cool off just a little. Try to get along with your doc at least some.
Good luck, dear. I hope things mellow out for you.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

Oh dear, the price you have to pay for living at home. From your post, you either have psycho parents and doctors, or you really are a little off and just perceive them as being that way. Unfortunately, I can’t know which. But if you are normal, and this is your life, you need to make a plan to leave. I would NOT move in with a boyfriend – that is not independence, and could end badly. If you get along with your father, how about moving in with him? That would be a much more stable situation for you.

As far as worrying that your parents won’t “let” you, or will hunt you down like a dog, you are over 18 and can do what you please.

ibstubro's avatar

What poor advice, @Skaggfacemutt, “As far as worrying that your parents won’t “let” you, or will hunt you down like a dog, you are over 18 and can do what you please.”

Did you read the OP to the end?:
“My mom has my social security, saying if I don’t ’‘get better’’ I wont be able to work anyway. & that if I don’t take my pills the doctor, psychiatrist person.. can throw me in a hospital where they make me take the pills.”

What you so blithely suggest could land her in the psych ward of a hospital…or worse.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

Isn’t she of age? Do you know how hard it is to commit an adult without their permission? As an adult, she can call the Social Security Department and have it sent to herself or her father. I have had experience with this sort of thing – being on the parent side, and a parent can’t do much, if anything, to an over-18 child.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

Just try calling the police and say you want them to pick up your 19-year-old runaway who has gone to her father’s house to live, and see what reaction you get.

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

@Skaggfacemutt lots of adults, including elderly, are unable to care for themselves effectively, and it is definately possible to be awarded guardianship of an adult. For @Shizuko to move out without first covering certain bases could, and likely would be disastrous. I understand where your concerns come from, and I’m sure you mean no harm, but this situation is its own.
@Shizuko, yes, your parents can come after you if you leave. I will tell you what would be worse. It would be far worse if you leave, and they decide they are fed up with trying to help you and DON’T try to find you. You have some serious issues to resolve, and you need their help. Lots of things in life don’t go the way we wish. I really think your best move for your particular situation is to find a way to work through your issues with your parents. You need help. You have help available. Don’t turn away from the help you have handy because you don’t see all things from the view of your parents.
As far as getting treated differently from your friend, that happens all over. Laws are not the same from one state to the next BECAUSE different people respond to various issues in different ways. Not everyone is best off following all the same rules of other people.
There are lots of people who eat sweets, but someone who is diabetic must stay away from sweets for their own safety, even if cake seems very tempting.
As far as taking medications, I understand your concerns, but sometimes medications are the right thing to do. When people choose to take medications without advice from their doctor is when there is likely to be problems.
You have to brave through the fears you have, and work on trusting the people who really do care about you.
I am sorry for the things you are going through, really, really. I don’t think the nightmare will ever end for you though unless you find some trust and start working with your parents and your docs better.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

I guess it really depends on @Shizuko ‘s medical/mental condition. It sounded to me like her problems were being caused by her parents, in which case I would tell her to break and run. If it is more complicated than that, it’s a whole different story.

Shizuko's avatar

@pleiades Yes I can focus quite well actually.
@Jonesn4burgers @CWOTUS

Let me tell you this..
Before all this therapy happened, (which started in Junior High, because they figured something was wrong with me because I’m not as talkative or loud as my peers or cheerful), I was fine. It may have looked like I was sad/depressed but really I talk when I have something to say. Then they started putting me on these meds. Excuse my language, Shit turned to the worst. I’d admit I had some family problems and got bullied at another school before I moved to the new city suburbs I currently live at right now. But I had decided to try to put it behind me.
Those therapist figured since my parents divorced, and my loving father wasn’t with me,that I was depressed. I had talked to him occasionally so I wouldn’t be as depressed if I had contact with him. Moving on to highschool, my parents got a bit verbal abusive..calling me stupid,retard,etc. I didn’t have many friends in highschool and now this therapy stuff came back and I finally got depressed & anxiety. Took absence at times. If I’d shown you a picture of me before I moved to after a while, you’d see I was happier than right now.

There was ONE therapist I trusted and felt understood me better, the rest not so much. They were quick to give me meds. Like the one I told you about, It felt like he

Anyways, I’m going to have to move out eventually. When I told them that their like, in a childish way. Mostly my stepdad: “Heh, Where will you go? Judging by what you do around the house you won’t even survive out there. You’ll be with us until you’re 23 or older”. They are quick to point out the things I miss/forget to do but totally ignore all the good things I do around here without them asking. When they’re mad, especially at each other, they throw things and yell. Like i said before, My mom has to take meds for her high blood pressure and anger. With my stepdad, he comes in from work he yells and complains.

Sitting here everyday, no job, my parents have my social security. Making me out to be a ‘mental’ person, what the hell would you do if you were in my shoes? Controlling you’re relationships to the point where nobody wants to hang out with you anymore because of you’re parents? Would you like people telling you that you’re mental, knowing damn well you aren’t and can prove you’re fine? Constantly comparing you with others? I understand they want to try to protect me from whatever it is life throws at me and want what’s best for me, but this is my life, I choose what to do with it.

I know how to cook, clean, take care of my hygiene, cant take care of myself, I can be shy but friendly. I also admit I can be sad/depressed at times, but not to the point where i’d want to lose my own life, I do something to cheer me up and go back to being myself, WITHOUT meds. I’ve stopped cutting and smoking a few years ago. I’m not handicap, I can take care of myself.

snowberry's avatar

This is much better written than the first comment you made. How you present yourself is everything when it comes to making first impressions. If it is as you say, since you’re an adult, perhaps you could ask your doctor for a copy of all your doctors’ notes. In some states they’ll do that. If you’re on a leash so to speak, I’m guessing your doctor has to have a diagnosis of some sort for them to threaten you with a lock-down setting. It also seems to me that you are entitled to a second opinion, especially since social security is paying for it. Can your dad lend a hand in this mess?

You need to be very careful how you approach this, but social security fraud is a whopping big deal, and if it is as you say, I’m thinking that’s part of what’s going on. Perhaps someone else can chime in on what your options are.

Shizuko's avatar

@snowberry Yeah, I’m going to try to call my dad, along with my older sister about this.

I had sudden thought that, maybe the reason my mom is holding onto my social security,Is because of the ‘Disability Check’ she’s trying to get me to get. I remembered hearing that if I keep taking some sort of medicine and keep seeing a psychiatrist I would receive it. My mom even told me not to tell my older sister and others I know, that I might get it or they’d try to ask for money? Which they’d never do.

I feel that she will try to take out some money from the check for herself. So that’s why she’s trying to keep make me go without giving me a say in any of this. I really want to just earn money myself by working instead of me sitting down and wait for money to come to me.

snowberry's avatar

One thing concerns me, that the medication you’re on could be clouding your judgement, and that’s part of your parents’ concern. Have you looked up the side effects? That and your history of cutting, regardless of how long ago it was, could be a factor in how you can proceed.

And FYI, I have a daughter who is 25, but she still lives at home (paying off student loans). She always calls and lets me know her activities, simply out of respect. She knows I won’t sleep well until I know she’s home safe. Regardless of how nice your parents are or aren’t, you owe them that much.

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