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Lempute's avatar

(NSFW) How often do you realize you had sex (any kind of it) because it was expected from you not because you wanted it?

Asked by Lempute (66 points ) 3 months ago

I was disturbed with the realization that I was having sex without wanting it. That sex was for different reasons than for my pleasure. I allowed to use my body consciously or giving oral pleasure to a partner, thinking this is the way it is, this is what is expected, I’m doing it right.
Then I talked with my female friends and they admitted they are having sex quite often no matter if they want it or not.
I start thinking where is this coming from?

Is this the culture thing, where females are raised for submissive role and therefore they submit more to the expectations? What about men? I don’t have a male friend who admits he had sex unwillingly.

Humans, I need your honest opinions and experiences in order to understand this unfair phenomenon where people themselves unconsciously create the unfairness by participating.
Thank you :)

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16 Answers

jca's avatar

Maybe it’s different for those in a marriage or living with someone, where they’re in the situation (meaning in bed) with the partner, whereas, for someone not married or living with someone, they’re not getting into the situation without wanting to be in it?

tups's avatar

Single woman here, and I’ve never felt that way. I can see why such a situation can occur, it just hasn’t happened to me. Don’t do anything you don’t feel like, but that is obvious.

cazzie's avatar

It isn’t unfair. Sex has always been some sort of trade, if not simply for pleasure or procreation. Bonobos are a perfect example of this. They use sex to make up from an argument, to increase their value in the group, trade for favours, keep the peace…etc. If you think you are doing it when you don’t really think you are that into it, don’t you think your partner is doing it when they don’t feel like it but you do? You’re not having sex alone and your partner isn’t a robot and you know you aren’t a robot either. You both have feelings. I’m sure in past relationships, for me, it worked both ways. I really liked morning sex and my ex hubs was NOT a morning person, to put it lightly. I’m sure there were times he wasn’t really that into it, but ‘came to the party’ anyway. If there was ever a time when I seriously was NOT into it, I know I could push them off, nicely, or wave them away, with a kiss and promise for later. If you can’t do this, your self esteem and your relationship needs some work.

SQUEEKY2's avatar

@cazzie excellent answer, a relationship is give and take,and compromises ,the wife has wanted it when I was really tired but still rose to the occasion.

livelaughlove21's avatar

I have a very low libido and I hardly ever truly want to have sex. Yeah, I do it because I’m married, my husband has a healthy libido, and I want to make him happy. I usually get into it once we get started, but not always. I could go months without it and he’d like it three times a week. We usually have sex once a week. If he’s going to compromise, I have to as well. C’est la vie.

SQUEEKY2's avatar

@livelaughlove21 exactly if one doesn’t compromise a bit the relationship is doomed and the other party will start looking for greener pastures,that doesn’t mean being used like a sex doll but one does have to take the others need into thought as well.

josie's avatar

Never.

The only time somebody demanded sex when I didn’t want to do it, it didn’t happen.

Lesson learned.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Never. As part of the big compromise we call “life” I have found myself pretending I did not want to have sex.
I acted like I was happy without it and it did not matter.

But it did…

Symbeline's avatar

Never, I’m shy and I’m a wuss, but ain’t nobody gonna force me to do something like that if I don’t want it.

livelaughlove21's avatar

People seem to think having sex when not in the mood is the same as being “forced” to do it. Not the case.

anniereborn's avatar

@livelaughlove21 No, it is not the same. To me though, it feels like being forced emotionally.
It feels like being used. To me making love is a connection and a sharing. How can it be either one of those if one or the other partner doesn’t want to be doing it?

livelaughlove21's avatar

@anniereborn I imagine it might be hard to understand if one has never experienced a low libido that has nothing to do with your partner. My husband has never forced me, physically or emotionally, into having sex. It’s always my decision. And he’s certainly never used me. A marriage between two people will different sexual needs is one that requires compromise on both parts.

Lempute's avatar

What I understood so far from your experiences, people, is that sex unwillingly in a relationship is a compromise that add or proves some extra value to the relationship. It’s a successful exchange in a long run.
Whereas, not being in a relationship and have sex unwillingly doesn’t add anything to you, not even in a long run, therefore it’s a “no go.” Ideally.
I would love that some people, who understand that they not exchanging but rather are giving, stumble upon this question and explain what are their reasons. Low self-esteem is plausible but that’s just too simple label for such a magnificent ambiguous feeling (magnificent because it’s altruistic in it’s nature, I guess. And I know you’d disagree ;)). e.g. “mercy fuck”

livelaughlove21's avatar

@Lempute I suggest going back and re-reading this thread because what you “understood” is completely off the mark. No one said that one relationship was better or had more value than any other. I suspect your gross misinterpretation of what was said here has a lot to do with your pre-conceived notion that there’s absolutely no valid reason to have sex if you’re not “in the mood.” So, when you read answers on the contrary, you seek out some imagined flaw in order to not question your own opinion. Confirmation bias is a bitch, but that stuff won’t fly unnoticed here on Fluther. Sorry.

Being forced into having sex and making a decision to have sex when you’re not “in the mood” are not the same thing, period.

Exchange in a relationship doesn’t only take place during sex. If I’m giving and not receiving by having sex with my husband when I’m not 100% wanting to, that doesn’t mean I only give and do not receive in all other aspects of our marriage. And I’d argue that I am receiving something during sex – the very thing I was seeking when I decided to have sex in the first place – his satisfaction. What a shocker – my husband being happy makes me happy, even if I wasn’t dripping onto the sheets before he even touched me.

Not everyone only enters into relationships where both partners have the same libido. Good for you if you’ve never experienced such a thing.

anniereborn's avatar

@livelaughlove21 I do have a low libido that has nothing to do with my partner. I have always been like that. Although in my early days of sex my libido was much higher. I suspect that was due to hormones of the young. So, I totally know what that’s like.
I have never been with a partner with a “high” libido. They have always been average or on the lower end.
I feel horrid that compromising in this situation doesn’t work for me. I feel very bad for my husband.

Lempute's avatar

@livelaughlove21 thank you for noticing my biases and I appreciate your critique, I agree, I did “understand” what I wanted to, probably because those answers are not relevant to my or the people from my environment experiences. I do appreciate your answers though but I can’t relate to them myself, therefore I made irresponsible conclusions hoping to direct conversation in the opposite direction: dating a person and deciding to have sex but for different reasons than you would do for the person you love and share your life with. Not sure if I put myself clearly here, though… I myself have low libido in comparison to the people I date, therefore I caught myself in this dilemma, why I just tell them that I’m not in the mood, my libido is low, etc. And it wouldn’t be a problem if that was only me who’s doing that. My female friends are also instead of telling the truth, having sex that they would rather exchange in another conversation. In other word, we assume that it is expected from us to have sex after a certain number of dates, so we do it although we not necessarily want to. And you might say it’s a low-esteem when it is actually not. Or, low-esteem in comparison with whose self-esteem? doing what is expected is not necessarily a sign of low-esteem.

I value the experiences you shared under this question. Please feel free to reflect on my experience too :)

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