General Question

schwabbie28's avatar

How should I deal with my wife?

Asked by schwabbie28 (72 points ) 1 month ago

My wife will sit before her computer and say such things as “why did Nancy (her sister) send me this?” That is a TINY example of what goes on constantly every morning. When I ask her to desist, she becomes angry with me. I have tried to explain that her behavior “takes up all the room in the room”, or “sucks all the oxygen out of the room”. It is as if her little cocooned world is all that counts, and I have no time to read, reflect, think, on my own.

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38 Answers

XOIIO's avatar

A gag.

The way you are approaching that is a bit douche though, it’s no wonder she gets mad when you say those things,

Find another room or read on a porch or something. I do know how that is, it’s fairly annoying (though not in terms of a spouse)

cookieman's avatar

Are there other rooms in your house?

I would simply leave her to out-loud thoughts and find a quiet space of your own.

I would not choose this battle.

Coloma's avatar

Obviously your communication issues are not very good. You are controlling and she is stubborn. Yep, not gonna change anyone now at this stage of the game. Create your own private space, an extra room, somewhere you can call your own and let it be.

schwabbie28's avatar

Thank each of you. I generally choose to leave to go to a neighborhood coffee shop later in
the day, which works well. It’s just those first thing in the morning times that I do not deal with well. schwabbie28

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

You’ve been together for 52 years and you’re trying to change her now?

Seek's avatar

I’ll refrain from posting all of the immediate responses that came to my mind when I read what you say to her about it.

Suffice it to say, most of them included suggesting other airless environments in which you might find some peace and quiet.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

It’s going to be hard to break her of a habit of such long standing. It’s going to be especially difficult if you’ve been living with and tolerating this behavior for over a half-century.

However, I do have a suggestion: Respond to every utterance, every rhetorical and sotto voce query, question and statement – at length. When you start taking up all of the oxygen in the room, I can bet that things will change.

I would suggest that you monitor your tone so that sarcasm, mockery, derision, etc. are eliminated and you respond only “helpfully”.

“Well, maybe Nancy is feeling constipated today. Or it could be that she’s just senile. Didn’t she send that yesterday, too? What was it you said about her at that time? Doesn’t her family keep her busy? Maybe she’s sick. Should we call the authorities, do you think? What’s her neighbor’s name again? George, isn’t it? And his last name starts with an “L”, I think, doesn’t it? Or maybe it’s an “F”; you know how I get those two confused.” et cetera

schwabbie28's avatar

I wasn’t in the house, early a.m., all those years, but getting ready for work and on my way to that world. Now, retired and seeking a bit of relaxation which is difficult to find in the mornings. Guess I’ll have to change my morning routine.

Coloma's avatar

Do you have a detatched garage or other area you can create/build your own little workshop, man cave?
If you have the space and money I vote for building your very own cottage/office/workshop, how about a tree house? haha Call the Treehouse Master guy.

ibstubro's avatar

It sounds to me like you need to carve out a niche of your own, somewhere in the house remote from your wife’s computer. Perhaps a recliner in a bedroom or bathroom? @Coloma has a great suggestion, too, in that you could create a ‘studio’ somewhere on the property.

What did you retire from doing, @schwabbie28?

ragingloli's avatar

I was going to say “turn off your hearing aid”, but I just saw that this is in General, so I will say instead that you just ignore her.

gailcalled's avatar

Use ear plugs or sound-blocking head phones or take her out on a date and negociate a peaceful sefflement.

Ask her what you do that annoys the shit out of her (I bet that there’s something) and then do some horsetrading.

zenvelo's avatar

So you can’t read, reflect, think, on my own.? That’s what bathrooms are for.

Coloma's avatar

I know! If you don;t already have an RV or 5th wheel. get one, kill two birds with one stone. Your own retreat and a vacation rig all in one.

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
LuckyGuy's avatar

Strange as this might seem, there is a positive to all this. She is sharing.

SadieMartinPaul's avatar

Can’t you just leave the room while your wife spends her a.m. time on the computer? If the computer’s located in the kitchen, maybe you could take your newspaper and cup of coffee elsewhere. If the computer’s in a den or family room, find something to do elsewhere.

You say that your wife “thinks out loud,” and lacks any internal monologue, while she checks her emails every morning. You don’t say that she behaves this way otherwise, at different times of the day and when she’s not online.

As you mention, she’s not likely to stop her behavior. When we can’t change the world, we need to adapt and change how we react to and interact with it. Avoiding this annoying situation seems to the obvious answer.

janbb's avatar

I’m in the camp that says find another room for your morning routine. Why make it a battle you can’t win?

livelaughlove21's avatar

Change your routine. Go to another room. She’s probably been doing this for a long time – why should she change just because you’ve retired? In short, deal with it. I don’t blame her or being annoyed with you asking her to shut up. I’m sure there are other rooms in your home you can read, think, and reflect in.

creative1's avatar

Maybe one of you could go to a different part of the home while she is online. If the computer is a desktop in one room then why don’t you go into a different room or better yet make that the time for you to do errands. Since this is only in the mornings then just removing yourself from the situation should work that is unless you really like hearing it all. I am a strong believer in just walking away if something is bothering, its better than a fight that in the reality of a situation is something that can be easily avoided and meaningless in the larger scheme of things.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

Lots of people think out loud. My late husband, bless his heart, drove me crazy with noise! He always had either the TV or the radio blaring, and sometimes both at the same time. Really? I would go for a walk every night after supper just to clear my head and let my ears stop ringing. I got used to a higher level of noise, but had to escape sometimes, too.

Cruiser's avatar

Why don’t you join in the dialogue of her comments?? Take an interest in what she is sharing with you and ask her to expound on what she is reading. I would wager she will quickly tire of having to explain all these comments to you and she will then finally STFU!

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

@Cruiser Ha-ha! That is a novel solution. Could be very interesting, too. I can just see it, “who are you talking to, what is she saying, why did she say that, what are you going to answer.”

Cruiser's avatar

@Skaggfacemutt It works like a charm on my wife. She even begs me to stop interrupting her. lol!

GoldieAV16's avatar

People who spend a lot of time alone often “think aloud.” Now that you are retired and she’s not going to be alone during the day, she might break herself of the habit. Until then, I’d just ask her, “Are you talking to me?” every time she does it, which will serve as a gentle reminder to her that a) she is talking out loud to herself, and b) she is no longer alone. Either she will change, or you will learn to mentally mute out her background dialogue. (Like when someone at work is on the phone talking to someone else – you can’t let it distract you from your own work.)

schwabbie28's avatar

schwabbie28 sez “I think I found the answer: The Secret to a Peaceful Marriage

A world traveler once visited a small village in rural mexico. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married.

‘Divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn’t end up fighting with all the time.’

‘Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village, rumor has it that they have been married over 60 years and they never fought this whole time.’

‘What?? That’s impossible!’ Exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.

The traveler just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.

‘It’s true, we never fight.’

‘PLEASE,’ Begged the traveler, ‘can you tell me your secret??’

‘Well,’ said the old man, ‘It all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him “That’s one.”. We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: “That’s two.” Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: “That’s three.” pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice! I was shocked and yelled at her: “What the heck do you think you’re doing?? We needed that mule, are you crazy???”

My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: “That’s one.”

And we haven’t had a fight since.’

DaisyMae's avatar

It sounds like she is simply thinking out loud or is having an interesting conversation with an interesting person, something of which I, myself, am guilty. I know in my case my husband tends to converse so minimally, I think I probably do it to fill up the space of silence. 52 years is a long time and I congratulate you on such an awesome achievement. I’ve been married for 20 years and at this point I tend to focus on the positive and overlook the negative as much as possible. Compromise is key and sometimes we have to accept those things that, perhaps in the grand scheme of life, are ultimately not that important.

jca's avatar

I was thinking what @Cruiser said. Ask her “Why DID Nancy send you that? Did you figure it out?” or “Tell me about Mary’s surgery!” or “Did Susan’s granddaughter have her baby yet?” She’ll be exhausted with you being so inquisitive!

Yetanotheruser's avatar

@schwabbie28 Welcome to Fluther, and congrats on 52 years!

It seems that the change in your morning routine has exposed you to a part of her morning routine that you feel is particularly annoying.

I there are some fine suggestions in the thread, so far, particularly from @Coloma and @GoldieAV16 . I also like @Cruiser‘s suggestion.

BeenThereSaidThat's avatar

It sounds to me like your wife is using her computer for companionship. Maybe you should spend actual time with her doing things together. go out to dinner, a movie, a walk, anything. Your wife sounds to me like a very lonely woman.

filmfann's avatar

Enjoy it. You may miss these things some day.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@filmfann Just nailed it. One day you might come out to see the computer on, your wife not there forever, and you’ll have silence. Which do you think you’ll prefer?

josie's avatar

On his 50th anniversary, when asked how he and his wife managed to stay together so long, a guy answers, “Two nights a week we go out for a quiet dinner and a bottle of wine. She goes on Tuesday, I go on Thursday”

Something to think about.

CWOTUS's avatar

There’s always volunteer work.

Coloma's avatar

There’s always that steaming pot of Oleander tea too. lol

livelaughlove21's avatar

I don’t know why, but this just hit me…

I have tried to explain that her behavior “takes up all the room in the room”, or “sucks all the oxygen out of the room”.

What a shitty thing to say to your parter. If my husband told me that my talking was sucking up all the oxygen in the room, I’d rip his balls off.

Coloma's avatar

^^^ HAHAHA….good point!

crushingandreaming's avatar

Be patient with her.

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