Social Question

Aster's avatar

How do you refuse to let certain unlawful, immoral relatives come over?

Asked by Aster (15537 points ) March 13th, 2014

I have two close relatives, really close, who lie, steal, run away from the sheriff , hit each other, do lots of drugs, damage my furniture on purpose but act really hurt when I don’t want them over here after I’ve not seen them in over a year. They act so insulted when I give them some excuse. I would actually like to see them every couple of years for a few hours but these are the types you can’t get rid of that give you heart palpitations. One of them should be in a mental hospital. I don’t want to be a bad person but I also don’t want to have to hide half our belongings either. What should I say?

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32 Answers

hominid's avatar

Move far away, do not notify anybody of your new address, and file restraining orders. Nothing good can come from any time with people like this.

jca's avatar

Let them be mad. If there’s a family event, see them at someone else’s house or a restaurant or other public place.

janbb's avatar

You just do. You tell them that you will see them in a public place – if you want to – but they are not allowed in your house due to their past behavior.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Are they trying to invite themselves over? Are they looking to score something for drug money? I would avoid them altogether. User are called users for a reason. They are bottomless pits and only see others as potential sources of income.

If you must see them suggest meeting at a local restaurant. Tell them about the new security surveillance system you installed.

jca's avatar

The safety of your home, your family and your sanity has to be paramount to the feelings of some lowlife users.

gailcalled's avatar

They: Liars, thieves, physical abusers, law evaders, drug users, home wreckers, possibly mentally ill.

You: Courteous, clear, sensible, and candid.

They: Easily insulted and practiced manipulators.

Choose one;

You: Riddled with guilt
or
You: Adult and firm.

hearkat's avatar

I tend to be honest: “The last time you were here, you disrespected me, my family, and our property. I do care about you, but I can not tolerate disrespectful behavior. If you want to convince me that you have changed, you can try to earn my trust back. Perhaps we can get together for a picnic lunch in a public park and we’ll each supply our own meals. We’ll see how that goes before making any further plans.”

Cruiser's avatar

Can you meet with them in a public place where they can’t get you or themselves in trouble and you could simply get up and leave if they get weird on you?

I would also be adult and firm with them. Lead by example and show them how people can be mannered and well behaved.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Aster You meet them at the front door if they ‘show up’ and say they are no longer welcome based on past behavior. You love them, regret the situation, and are happy to visit with them at the ‘coffee shop/ park/ restaurant’ etc…

If they call just never suggest your own house, make something up if you have to, like sorry we have people over/ I have chicken pox, we’re fumigating for fleas, or an excuse to keep them away.

gailcalled's avatar

@KNOWITALL: I would have to respectfull suggest that adults do not need to and should not lie in such a situation.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Note—- If you do agree to see them at a restaurant or park, make sure there is someone at home guarding the place. While you are visiting with them they might send their friends over to clean you out.

They are manipulators and clearly want to see you for a reason. I’m guessing it is not to share their lottery winnings or apologize and pay for any damage they might have caused.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@gailcalled In my area, it’s extremely rude and unacceptable behavior to make your family uncomfortable or unwelcome unless you’re willing to break off with them completely for eternity…lol (God, country, family)

Sometimes a little white lie can be much easier, but in general I agree with you.

gailcalled's avatar

One of Aster’s issues with these people is that they lie. They are the ones making her uncomfortable with their unacceptable behavior. They cannot complain about being held accountable. Perhaps being called to account might (and that is a very slim “might”) have them change their behavior.

ucme's avatar

Claim you have a severe case of shotgun diarrhoea & although it would be helpful for them to clean up after you, it’s probably wiser that they stay away.

livelaughlove21's avatar

Who cares if they’re insulted? It’s your house. Stick to your guns.

My step-brother is currently incarcerated for kidnapping, armed robbery, and other things (not to mention the hundreds of crimes he’s committed that he wasn’t convicted of). He’s been there since 2007 and won’t get out until 2023. I’ve discussed this with my husband and he’s very uncomfortable with the idea of letting my brother know where we live. I respect his decision to now allow him in our home. He’s never been violent towards me and I have no qualms about being in his presence, but he’s still bad news and I’d prefer him not to know where I live. If he asks to see me when he’s released, we’ll go see him at my parents’ house or somewhere else. I don’t care if he’s insulted by that. He’s a criminal, and he certainly hasn’t learned his lesson in prison, nor do I foresee him doing so.

JLeslie's avatar

What I did with a friend is I told her how much I love spending time with her, but she is not welcome in my house when she is drinking. However, she never stole anything from me. If she had been stealing I might never have wanted to talk to her ever again. I can’t be worried about locking stuff up when I have friend’s and family in my house. I’m too disorganized in my house to worry about such things. I don’t put my expensive watch away in a safe daily. I don’t hide my purse. I mean really, what a pain in the neck.

You should not feel guilty for one second if they are thieves. I do understand why you do feel badly though. I hope you can let the guilt go and not invite them over. The more people “enable” them to stay as they are, the longer they will stay that way.

syz's avatar

Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I hear friends and coworkers talking about the drama and bullshit that they endure with family, and I just don’t get it. To me, just because I’m related doesn’t mean I have to like them. And if I don’t like them, then I have pretty much nothing to do with them. I have plenty of aunts, uncles and cousins that I see once or twice a year at a restaurant for a holiday meal. Anything more than that, I politely decline.

If these family members contact you, suggest a middle meeting point and have a meal together. Then let them know that you have plans and while it’s been nice to see them, you have to get going.

If they suggest coming to your house, you don’t have to explain yourself. “I’m sorry, that’s not going to work for me” is all you need to say.

marinelife's avatar

Meet them in a neutral spot for lunch.

Aster's avatar

Oh; and they roam the house when we’re asleep and read our emails. It feels like they want to “get evidence against us” to bring us down to their level which would be completely impossible. And I can’t tell you how rude it is to open drawers and computers when the homeowners are sleeping. You feel so violated.
These are not big time druggies in the sense that they’d rip off your computers or television sets to sell them for drugs. They are not that obvious. (shudder). They do stuff they think you won’t notice because they think we are extremely elderly. HA

LornaLove's avatar

I personally would have nothing to do with them, so that I would not have to get into any sort of situation with them at all.

Which, includes over explaining, lying and trying to humor them.

I’ve learned to remove toxic people from my life (now trying to stop ‘toxifying myself though!). So far so good.

Simple, no people like that, no problem like that.

Espiritus_Corvus's avatar

Man, you are like raw meat to these two jackals. Big teeth when they smile?

Just tell them to fuck off and never come near you or your spouse or your bichons, ever. Use the language they understand. Do what I did. Do it at a family gathering in front of everybody after they’ve made asses out of themselves. That way, when the threats start to fly, you have all the witnesses you need. You have a nice, stable family and they have become the kind of people you do not want to exposed them to. Just tell them. It’s not that diffcult and it’s probably one of the few times in your life that you will get a chance to tell somebody what you actually think of them without dire reprocussions like the loss of a job, etc.

Look, we don’t choose our families and we don’t owe them any more allegience than we do our friends. It’s nice when blood works out, because we all have so much time in, but it’s not obligatory. If they get all butthurt, fuck ‘em, and tell them that. They are the ones who fucked up their lives, not you. And they know they fucked up their lives, it’s no secret to them.

There are 7 billion more people out there you can choose you family from, people you feel comfortable with. So, you’re not going to run out of candidates any time soon. And you and your real family are not going to miss these assholes. Trust me.

jca's avatar

They wander around your house and open your drawers and read your email? That, in itself, would be reason enough for me to never ever have them over and feel zero guilt over never ever having them over ever again.

Did you confront them about doing that crap? If so, what did they say? I find it inexcusable but am curious what explanation someone could possibly give for themselves. If they were not confronted when you found them doing those things or when you found out that they did them, why not?

Aster's avatar

They do not allow me to comment. They go into verbal rages, make excuses, don’t pause in-between sentences but just keep on yakking. It is so upsetting and nerve wracking that I don’t say much. It’s way too stressful to challenge them in person. Over the phone I can at least hang up. Or they do.
I want to also say that I and we have done so much for them for so many years, have given them so much money and goods that it could fill a file cabinet. She feels I owe her but I can’t figure out why she thinks that.

JLeslie's avatar

They will suck the life out of you and still say you never do enough. Why do anything when nothing is ever enough.

syz's avatar

Why do you keep describing what you let them do to you? You have not responded to any of the suggestions/answers to your question. Was this just an exercise? Just a complaint?

While they may be terrible people and terrible house guests, you must take your share of the blame. You’re letting them do this to you. I don’t have much sympathy if you don’t take steps to protect yourself.

Aster's avatar

I’m sorry. What questions did I not address @syz ?

Aster's avatar

ok; I found one question I didn’t answer: “can you meet them in a public place?” Yes; I could do that but they would be so resentful that I kept them from my home that I’d feel guilty. I know; I can’t help it. I will attempt to meet them in a public place. This meeting may not happen for months since they just moved out of state temporarily.

jca's avatar

I don’t understand how they treated you so badly, did such awful things (like going through your drawers, checking your email, etc.), when you tried to address it they totally went off on you, and you would feel guilty over not having them over. How you would even consider dealing with them at all after they did those things is a mystery to me.

gailcalled's avatar

“They do not allow me to comment.” “I can’t help it.” You can help it. You are making a choice and a very bad one.

Are you not an adult, in her own home? Do they gag or muzzle you? Your need to feel guiltiy is beyond what I can understand. They’d be so resentful? Jeez. Who cares?

Here’s another suggestion. Go to their room, pack their bags, open the front door, put the bags outside, usher them out. You can do all that without saying a word.If they won’t leave, get your dogs to herd them, or call the police.

syz's avatar

Ahem ” You have not responded to any of the suggestions/answers to your question.”

No one asked you a question, they answered your question and you ignored those answers and continued to complain about the relatives’ behavior.

They pretty much all told you to grow a pair and kick these degenerates out of your life (if I may paraphrase).

Buttonstc's avatar

The bottom line is that we teach people how to treat us. How do we do that?

Every time you allow them to steamroller over you and continue to accept the totally unacceptable from them and then feel guilty about even contemplating putting your foot down with them.

You owe them nothing and the sooner you realize it the better. They are leeches. And totally unappreciative ones at that.

If you don’t set firm limits they will continue their behavior and it will get progressively worse.

How much more will it take before you’ve had enough?

They will continue to abuse you exactly as long as you allow it to go on and not one minute longer. Its up to you.

jca's avatar

I am still shaking my head at how this could even be a confusing issue for someone. All the things the relatives do, plus the verbal explosions when called on it, and the OP is confused about how to behave and feeling guilty?

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