General Question

tinyfaery's avatar

What is your opinion of women who say they do not want children, ever?

Asked by tinyfaery (36786 points ) July 1st, 2008

Whenever I tell people this, I hear some very rude and dismissive comments. “Oh, just wait till you’re older honey”, or “you’ll never know what its like to really love someone”. There are so many reasons not to want children, but most people do not want to hear why, they just want to tell me why there is something wrong with me. To add to this, why do people think just because they’ve procreated, they are somehow superior, or have more “moral sense” about the world? Shall I list off all of the horrible things parents do to their own children? I’m asking an honest question, I’m not trying to be rude!

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33 Answers

kevbo's avatar

I think some women don’t have the mothering instinct, and if they’re honest about it (with themselves and others), then I think their decision not to have children is a good thing.

readergirl119's avatar

I think people should really think twice about what they want to do before they do it. Some people just assume that they don’t want something based on someone else’s experience. Maybe the people who don’t have very good parenting skills should feel that way, but I can’t think of any other exception.

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PupnTaco's avatar

What Kevbo said. If you’re not parenting material, don’t do it.

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marinelife's avatar

It seems that this is a very fraught topic for you. I think you need to step back a little bit from your experiences here. It is a very personal decision whether or not to have children. It should not be subject to second-guessing by anyone else. Sadly, though, in out society, people cross the boundaries of others’ personal business all the time. As a culture, we have empowered everyone to feel they have a right to have an opinion on everything.

1. It is only your business whether or not you choose to have children.

2. It should be totally your decision whether to share that information with anyone else.

3. If someone asks you whether you plan to have children, don’t answer. You can say, “Why do you ask?” That is usually enough to stop 90% of questioners. If the person asking is so rude they fall into the other 10%, simply do not answer and change the subject or walk away. You owe that person nothing.

That said, the flip side of this is that you have no right to question someone else’s decision to have children or be judgmental about it.

El_Cadejo's avatar

@readergirl119 does it matter that you watched them craft responses? Theres really no need to post that.

to answer the question i think theres absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids. I am the same way however, and i always hear the same stuff you described “wait till your older, you’ll change your mind” Blah blah blah. Its your choice if you want children not theirs. Do what makes you happy.

wildflower's avatar

I don’t base my opinion of people on their parental aspirations – or lack thereof. At least not solely or primarily. To some it’s a key part of who they are, but there’s also a lot of people that just have their view and that’s one part of who they are. It’s also possible that their view changes….Bottom line, I don’t consider it a determining factor in forming an opinion of people.
Personally I don’t expect to have kids. Not everyone has to be a parent.

generalspecific's avatar

whatever makes you happy.. helps the overpopulation problem at least :)

flameboi's avatar

I need a woman like that, please, send me ur cvs for consideration :P

flameboi's avatar

@wildflower
I miss the hello kitty avatar, and yes, not everyone has to be a parent :)

tinyfaery's avatar

@marina I’m not really fraught about anything. I just wanted to know what flutherites have to say. I didn’t mention that when I hear these comments, I always have something to say in return. And I have no problem with people who want/have children. I do, however, have a problem with people who think that just because they have children they are somehow more important, or have a special knowledge a childless person can never have. Just look at some of the posts lately—the “pot twitching” or the “children in bathrooms” thread.

fabulous's avatar

I think it is a personal decision if you feel that you don’t want kids then that’s your choice don’t leave anyone influence your decisions follow your heart

bridold's avatar

To be honest, I’m with you! Anytime I tell people that I don’t want kids, they say those EXACT things to me!

Don’t get me wrong, I love the my neices and nephew to death, but I just don’t want kids of my own.

TheHaight's avatar

Kevbo took the words right out of my mouth! Like he said, its your decision and not all women have a calling to be a mother. I respect your decision, because a friend of mine had a baby because everyone (including her husband) really wanted her to have one. I can tell she’s unhappy because this is what she truely didnt want. She just didnt have the guts your probably have to come out to everyone that you don’t want a child. (to note though; she’s loves her baby and tries her hardest to be a wonderful mother; ... Ok I’m rambling..)

gilgamesh's avatar

it’s all based on invidividual preference
there’s nothing wrong with women who dont want to have children

iriemuffin's avatar

The best way to avoid the idiotic questions is to respond with “I can’t”. That will shut them up. It is the truth with me. I CAN’T bring myself to bear a child :)

syz's avatar

I have spent my life catching the same flack.

If I chose not to blindly follow an evolutionary imperitive coded into my genes to reproduce, why should anyone (outside of a mate or partner) have anything to say about it?! Is there some shortage of humans that I am unaware of?

I am six years older than my next sibling and spent my entire life from 6 years to college expected to be a built in baby sitter. I’ve done my time.

My choice does not mean that I am lacking in some sort of “mothering instinct” or are in some way incapapble of being a good mother. It’s a decision. The (literally) hundreds of puppies and kittens that I have hand raised, the many species of wildlife that I have raised and rehabilitated, and the veterinary patients that I spend long hours nursing and caring for should indicate that I am not lacking some “nuturing” component.

After years of asking my doctors for a tubal ligation and being refused because I was “too young”, I nearly died because of an extopic rupture from an accidental pregnancy (while on 2 types of birth control). Two months after my recovery, I had my tubes tied.

I have never regretted my decision and can now happily enjoy my new neice and 3 nephews. And when I’ve had enough…...I go home.

berocky1's avatar

They are stupid idiots.

richardhenry's avatar

@borocky1: Are you being serious? What a callous and insensitive thing to say.

fabulous's avatar

@berocky1 if you are refreing to women being stupid for not wanting to have chilren then you really need to take some sort of a sensitivity class.

This is this girls personal decision and good on her for sticking to her guns.

Zaku's avatar

My opinion is it’s great if a woman has chosen what to do or not do for herself, particularly in the face of conventional thinking.

As for those who try to tell such women they’re wrong, less wise, less moral or whatever, I’d just say that those people are really talking about themselves, but projecting their opinions onto others, and perhaps validating or excusing their own choices. Many people who have children have some feelings of resentment for all the work and responsibility, and being adult humans, their minds automatically build belief systems that make them comfortable, which may often mean convincing themselves that it was necessary and good for them to do that. Women who act like it’s right and good to choose otherwise may threaten that defense system, and they’re just reacting to their own belief system when they say condescending things about your reproductive choices. They’re really talking about their own stories – it’s not really about you.

Trance24's avatar

I respect your decisions, but on another note I would be careful with who you create a relationship with later in life. Try and stay with people who are on the same page with you in the are, because it could get messy down the road when your SO of such and such years wants children and you don’t.

gooch's avatar

I respect the decision. Too many people have kids for the wrong reason….to please someone else.

Siren's avatar

I agree with Marina’s comment.

I’ll go one step further and suggest that some women may still be great nurturers and have great maternal instincts, but for reasons purely their own, choose not to have children. Some women make great aunts and godmothers, and are the best baby-sitters. But it’s such a personal choice for a woman (or a man!) that for someone to point-blank ask another why they don’t want children is kind of like snooping in someone’s medicine cabinet. In other words, myob!

berocky1's avatar

I meant they are stupid. Like the people who think that it is a womens “responsibility” I think that is horrible

Zen's avatar

Unselfish.

fathippo's avatar

Dude i know how you feel, i am passionate about the fact i do NOT want children (i cant think of anything good about it, only bad) and i really really hope i dont change my mind, but i dont know why i would it would be kinda like changing person…

But although after years people have stopped saying ‘you’ll change you’re mind’ etc etc, it still makes me so angry when theyre like ‘i’ll remind you of that when… etc etc’ like they think you’re in complete denial about something that has to happen and is a concrete event in your life. Like they’re waiting for you to ‘see the light’ and snap out of your foolish unexperienced mind. or something….. =)

TexasDude's avatar

Their choice. I wouldn’t think twice about it.

Blueroses's avatar

To answer your “why do they feel morally superior?” It’s like the fervent anti-smokers who used to smoke. Some people believe they don’t want children and then become converts the moment they have one and try to recruit everyone to their new enlightened state of mind.
I treat them like the friends who’ve “discovered” religion. Good for you, not for me.

gorgeousgal3's avatar

Not everyone has the nurturing instinct and people shouldn’t be bullied into having a child. Ultimately its up to what you and your guy want to do.What one person may want, another person might not.It doesn’t mean you are a horrible person, you just might have other things that are your primary focus.

mummylove's avatar

I really don’t understand people who judge. It isn’t very intelligent. You can have another opinion on so many topics..just accept it

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