Social Question

cazzie's avatar

What is your comfortable emotional distance from people you love?

Asked by cazzie (19343 points ) March 25th, 2014

What behaviour by loved ones is ‘too much’? At what point do you feel the need to yell at them, ‘Hey, can you just lay off a bit, please?’ When does being loved and adored become stalker-y, pest-like and uncomfortable?

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14 Answers

Khajuria9's avatar

Can I just say I love this question?
For me, it has to be at a well-balanced distance to ensure the smooth relation. I can’t bear people who become obsessed and far too sticky. Once in a while its okay but being over-bearing and giving me no personal space makes me fall out of love.

zenvelo's avatar

It’s hard to define in precise terms. For me it’s a matter of the other checking in on you despite your having already told them how you are spending your time.

Communication is important, and when I am involved with somebody saying hello and letting them know what’s up every day is nice. But if I tell you I will be running errands and then working out and then going to see my mother, I don’t want you texting me or emailing me all day to see what I am up to.

The other part of it is “don’t make plans for me without checking with me first.” I hate that, “oh, but I already bought tickets!”.

JLeslie's avatar

With my husband the line is so far away it is hard to define. I like to be with him all the time and need very little distance from him. I think if he constantly daily asked me how I was and what he could do for me it would become too much. I don’t want that type of concern or attention daily from anyone.

Other loved ones, it really has to do with what type of attention it is. I used to talk to my sister almost every day and it was good. With my father talking to him is almost always like work. Work because he wants to talk about something stressful, or something that you need to be well read on, or work because I have the burden of making him happy. With my mom it never feels like a chore or that she is dependent on me. It all varies so much with each person. It’s hard to define. GQ.

livelaughlove21's avatar

I’ve honestly never experienced this. I’m not a very private person, so I don’t shy away from sharing personal information with people I love if they want to hear about it. I’ve also never had someone be overwhelmingly nosy, thankfully. My husband knows pretty much everything there is to know about me. He knows about every single problem (including my constant gynecological problems – see? I’ll tell y’all too, I don’t care), no matter how gross or weird or embarrassing. I don’t feel uncomfortable if he asks me questions that people consider “private.”

longgone's avatar

I can’t stand my plans being changed. Also, I’m not good at chatting on the phone. For me, phone calls should consist of exchanging vital information and then hanging up.

I don’t mind being asked about my plans. Reading this question, I realize I never seem to get unwanted advice. Very little advice on the whole, actually.

GracieT's avatar

For a while my husband worked at home and was usually there. Ironically enough, I didn’t stay home quite as much. Now, I can’t
drive, so I spend Monday-Thursday with friends so that I can continue volunteering at
the RedCross. It works for us, because I’m home when he’s at home most often. We are
actually closer than we would be if I was home more often, and the time we spend
together is more important and special.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I keep everyone a long way away. It’s very rare if I ever let anyone in. I got hurt bad as a kid. It’s a bit bad but it’s just what I do.

janbb's avatar

I like a daily check-in; a short text conversation or e-mail is fine. Don’t need to hear; “I’m breathing in, I’m breathing out.” Getting together – assuming we’re not living together – about three or four times a week would be optimal.

GloPro's avatar

The key word was comfortable. I have no comfortable emotional distance. I’m always slightly uncomfortable when it comes to emotions or physical affection. My nuclear family didn’t hug when I was growing up. I get nervous, even with close friends, coming and going because I’m always wondering if we need to hug.
Oddly, this doesn’t translate to sexual touching. I can make out with a total stranger. If I get into a realationship I like to hold hands, cuddle, etc. In those examples, though, I don’t let my emotional walls down. I’m physical, but kind of indifferent.
I don’t think I’m normal. My sister doesn’t think she’s normal that way, either. Whatever normal is.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I don’t think there is a normal.

KNOWITALL's avatar

I’ve said it before that when it comes to telling people thing’s, I’m fairly open. To sharing my private innermost thoughts, not so much.

My husband and my mother both know a lot of how I’m feeling or concerns, that kind of thing, but some thing’s I even share here and with no one else, or keep inside. Some people, even mother, have called me emotionally distant.

AshLeigh's avatar

There are people who have known me for years, and still know very little about me. My sister, for example, probably couldn’t tell you anything further than what meets the eye. I love my sister dearly, but I just have spent my life keeping her as a stranger.
However, there are other people who were in my life for a short time, and could tell you anything you ever wanted to know about me.
It’s just very subjective.

prolificus's avatar

Too many questions and too much advice, especially if unsolicited.

rojo's avatar

I have a big barrier that I cannot find a reason for having. My mom and dad were kind and loving. Dad was somewhat distant but not abusive by any means and he was a good person and a good role model. So, who knows.

I cannot/do not get overly close to people so that when I lose them, it hurts less; that goes for friends and family. I have found over time that I am having a harder time keeping this distance with my grandkids but maybe that is just because I know the odds will be that they will lose me and not vise-a-versa. I am not happy with this, but it is how I am and I have come to terms with it.

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