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this_velvet_glove_again's avatar

Immature teenage relationship question (details inside)

Asked by this_velvet_glove_again (418 points ) March 26th, 2014

So… there’s this guy (let’s call him Jason). We’ve been together for a year and a half (I know that’s not much, but when you’re 16 it really is a long time) and for the first 10 months it was all so awesome, crazy teen love etc. But now he’s all mean to me, won’t kiss me, we haven’t had sex in about a month, we already have broken up once (but made up in a couple of days, mostly because I missed him and went to his place to talk to him) and now it’s more like we are cousins, not a couple. He’s always in a bad mood, doesn’t talk much and won’t ever tell me what the hell is wrong. And when he does talk to me, he either complains about his parents or tries to tell me what to do (which makes me sooooo angry). I used to be the one who does everything possible to keep things alright, but it’s been so long since I last felt it’s worth it. I think that I just don’t have the guts to break up with him, I’m still there because of how we used to be, and because he “is a nice guy” when he doesn’t beat his brother’s dog and when he doesn’t make me miserable. He used to mean so much to me, and I have this stupid tendency to forgive him even though he rarely says “I’m sorry”, ugh… am I being as stupid as I think?
And I already have very strong feelings for someone else, but I can’t really have him so I stay with “Jason” because that’s the “easier” thing to do… but it’s horrible, I am there with him and in my mind, there’s the other guy and things are already messed up enough. I’m so confused, sick of this situation.

Tell me what you think, anything. Any advice?

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38 Answers

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

I once stuck with a relationship for a full year past when it went sour. It never got back to the good times, no matter how much we tried. Sounds like you need to get out. If there’s anything left in your relationship, he will come back to you when he realises he’s lost you.

And any guy that hits a dog is a loser of the highest order. I would like to punch “Jason” in the throat for that.

this_velvet_glove_again's avatar

@FireMadeFlesh Thank you! That’s what my own mind should have told me. Months ago. And about the dog, yup… main reason I broke up with him then, I don’t trust him with my cat anymore… When I mentioned that to my best friend, she told me I was stupid for staying with someone who would do that to an animal, and I totally agree, but…

Now, how do I get out?

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

Be strong. Don’t use any clich├ęs, but just tell him straight up that you don’t think your relationship has a future. Don’t go into the reasons why in too much depth, because he will protest and get into your head. Remember never to compromise your self-respect, even if he pleads with you. It sounds like he has violent tendencies, so if you feel threatened at any stage, tell an influential adult. If you’re going to keep seeing him at school etc, don’t try to make him jealous – just do exactly what you would if he wasn’t there. And most importantly, don’t be afraid to be single for a while.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

Also, be sure not to cry in front of him.

tedibear's avatar

Yes, to what @FireMadeFlesh has said. Break up with him and do not let it become an hours long discussion. Say your piece, stick to your guns and get out. He may try to manipulate the situation, so be aware of that. Keep your determination to get out at the forefront of your mind. If and when he starts to contact you post-breakup, do not respond. Don’t even tell him to leave you alone, just ignore him. If he makes any threats, take that issue to your parents, a guidance counselor or some other trusted adult.

Animal abusers have been known to become people abusers. The animal abuse alone would have made me leave and never go back.

janbb's avatar

Break up with him any way you can. This relationship is not good for your mental health. If you cry, you cry – it doesn’t ultimately matter just as long as you are set that it is over. It is already as you know..

livelaughlove21's avatar

am I being as stupid as I think?

Pretty much. Dump that loser.

He verbally abuses you, physically abuses animals, and makes you miserable. How in the world is it “easier” to stay with him than to leave? Pull up those big girl panties and do what needs to be done.

this_velvet_glove_again's avatar

He’s also obsessed with keeping stuff clean, I mean way too clean. And his father treats him terribly. He’s afraid of him, but treats the dog in the same way his father does, wouldn’t it make more sense if he tried to protect the poor animal instead of making things worse?

All of you are right, I should leave him and just go on with my life, it’s definitely not the end of the world, just one relationship that went bad… His abusive side appeared this year, I’m sure it wasn’t there when I first met him, and I also hate being the chicken who can’t get away from someone that usually just wastes my chicken-time in which I would do other chicken-things.
There have been many days that went like this: I woke up thinking that I’m finally going to be free again, decided to end it, went to find him, I was sure he was going to start another fight, and then… he was nice to me, all of a sudden. And I couldn’t do it. Um… how much can a person change within a few months? Or how blind was I?

stupid stupid stupid coward

this_velvet_glove_again's avatar

@FireMadeFlesh Why is it important not to cry in front of him?

janbb's avatar

@this_velvet_glove_again Don’t beat yourself up; we all learn the hard way. Just do it any way you can.

longgone's avatar

Abused boy who already abuses animals…I’d be running. Think. You’d never trust him with pets. Are you planning to have children someday?

Break up with him. Doesn’t matter how, don’t overthink it. Just do it. You’ll feel better soon.

This is not an immature question, IMO. Decisions like this one are hard to make.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Run for the nearest exit as fast as you can. I know it’s sometimes hard to see the red flags when you’re involved with someone. But holy fuck lady the flags are waving, the siren is going, and the lights are flashing. This guy has trouble written all over him. Do you know what animal abusers also become? Serial killers. It’s one of the basic early signs.

CWOTUS's avatar

NOBODY who beats a defenseless dog is “a nice guy”.

It is one thing to fight off a dog that’s attacking and means to do you harm, but a domesticated pet that lives in the same house and is no threat – the person beating that dog is a sadist who simply hasn’t found the opportunity (or degenerated to the point) to attempt the same with a human.

This is not “a nice guy” that we’re talking about.

Okay, you say that you don’t have the guts to break up with him. So don’t do that… yet. Instead, find some reasons to be apart for awhile. School work, parental / family issues and obligations, job, whatever. Feel free to make things up to stay away from him for a little while. Evaluate how you feel about yourself after you have been away for a week with zero contact.

Consider what you learn from this experiment, and act accordingly.

Cruiser's avatar

You are very young and sound needy to me. Give the guy some breathing room…no one guy or girl likes to have someone hanging on themand demanding attention all the time. Get a hobby and find something else to do with your time. If any man is truly interested in you they will make you feel special not neglected. It’s that simple.

marinelife's avatar

You were too young for so intimate and long-term a relationship. If he is mean to you, end it. Break up with him.

this_velvet_glove_again's avatar

@CWOTUS I’m already making stuff up in order to have the time to do other, more interesting things than go out with him and wish I was somewhere else. With someone else.
Your answer was like a huge wake up call or something, what the fuck am I doing? Thanks…

@Cruiser Well, I am needy, I know it’s annoying and I’m seriously trying to change that. But in this case, I’m (kind of) avoiding too much contact. Even if I wasn’t one of those who ask for attention all the time, I would be offended if my boyfriend refused to even talk to me whille sitting next to me for three hours or so.

GloPro's avatar

I have never understood why teenagers tie themselves down. You haven’t even scratched the surface of the types of men out there and what an adult relationship is like.
What you are doing is teaching yourself poor standards. Put your own value on a higher pedestal and learn to enjoy being alone with yourself than stuck with someone you don’t enjoy because it’s easy.
Stop denying yourself the awesome experiences life has to offer.

this_velvet_glove_again's avatar

@GloPro Being free sounds fun :D I mean, I was free before I met him, but I was just 15. I’ll turn 17 in three months and this really is the age to have fun… I can’t imagine spending the summer with his endless complaining.

Another question to all jellies here Do you think it would be better if I kinda made him break up with me? Or I’d be just running the risk of getting into a big fight? like when he saw that picture of the other guy

GloPro's avatar

No. Honey, we’re all telling you to jump. You’re acknowledging you need to jump. Grow a pair and stop playing emotional games with yourself or with this d-bag. It will hurt regardless of being ready. It will be lonely for a minute, and then it will be so over you’ll forget him all together.
Stop playing games.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@this_velvet_glove_again That’s about the best advice you are going to get. GloPro is dead on. No, it won’t be fun, but neither is a visit to the Emergency Room.

janbb's avatar

No – it will be much better for your ego if you break up with him. Take your power back.

Seek's avatar

Fantastic advice above.

May I suggest doing the breaking-up in a public place? The mall food court, perhaps?

Anywhere, just not in private. The idea of a physically abused boy who hits dogs makes me worry for your safety.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Break up and move on.

The first sign of a psychopath is someone who abuses helpless animals.

Often when people are unhappy at home as children, they tend to be controlling because they’re seeking something that’s under their control, so his controlling and meanness is another bad sign.

You’re way too young to be dealing with this situation, and I also recommend you focus on school before entering another physical relationship, this is a crucial time of your life and one that should be filled with joy, energy and discovery. :) Good luck!

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

I imagine part of your hesitation has to do with hearing many times that it takes hard work to make a relationship work. You probably feel that you are copping out by not staying with it.
What you have, my dear, is not a relationship. What you have is a mistake. Your youth, and inexperience led you into this bad situation. You are smarter now. You are more able to see these signs that things are very wrong. It is more than okay to walk away from a mistake, it is the very best idea.
Don’t expose yourself to danger one moment longer than you have to.
When I was a teen, I broke up with a guy who could not let go. If that happens, nip it in the bud. Take action. Here is what I did
When I broke up with him, he whined, and left like a whipped puppy. The next day, mom let me use her car to go see my friends. It wouldn’t start. I called an ex BF who was a great mechanic, and still my friend. He found a set of wires missing which someone had quickly unplugged. He looked around and found they had been tossed in the yard. He fixed them. I noticed the guy I just broke up with behind me on my way home from hanging out with my friends. Later, at home, I saw him drive by the house a bunch of times. I decided to call ANOTHER ex who was still a friend. He was VERY good looking, and I thought if this dope saw me with him, he would get that it is over. I picked up the hunk, the whipped puppy followed us! Everywhere! I pulled into an alley, turned off the lights, and we sat there for half an hour listening to the radio. We were sure he was gone, but just in case, I drove three blocks down the alley with my lights off. We came back around, and parked on the street just around the corner from where we’d seen his heaqdlights go off. There he was, still sitting there, waiting for my lights to come back on! OMG, this guy was stalking me! We drove around some more, and talked about what should I do. This was decades ago, before anyone was talking about stalking, let alone protective laws. I went home, and saw him drive by agin a few times. My hunky ex had offered to beat the guy up. I didn’t want that, then the cops would come after him.
I knew his parents well. I still loved them. They were sweet, smart, and would never approve of his behavior. His dad answered the phone. I told him what was going on, and that if it didn’t stop, I would call the cops. Dad invited me to come over and talk it out. When I got there, mom,dad, and sad puppy were there. A tape recorder was on the table. Dad said he wanted to record the conversation. Fine with me. I said my piece. When puppy decided to speak, he turned off the recorder. Dad knew right then who was telling the truth. He apologized. Mom sent me home with some of her delicious cookies. Puppy never bothered me again.
Sometimes you realize a relationship is a bad thing, just in time. END IT! If he does anything wrong, end that right away too, even if it means getting him arrested.

CWOTUS's avatar

“Making him break up with you” is not a bad strategy if you like appearing to be a victim, you want a play for sympathy, and if you’re weak in general. It works in some stories, I suppose, where the protagonist manipulates people into acting – or appearing to act – in certain ways against one’s interest – or which appear to be against those interests – so that he or she can gain some advantage. It’s Machiavellian, and I won’t say that it never works.

But your life is not a story or an opera. If you’re lucky, it never will be.

In other words, I do not advocate this. Grow up (this is a plea and an exhortation, not an expression of disgust); take charge of your own life – and let him and others see that you are taking charge of your life – and tell him good bye. You grow stronger by acting stronger, even if you don’t always feel it.

GloPro's avatar

@Jonesn4burgers FYI – there are hardly any effective anti-stalking laws on the books. I dealt with this last year, and was told by the Deputy that regardless of my restraining order that they could not take further action unless the perp made an active attempt to injure me physically. Yep, that piece of paper from the judge is worthless.
I’m glad your ex’s parents were able to influence his behavior. Messing with car wiring is not to be taken lightly.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@GloPro You know when I took out a restraining order once, I was told the same thing, and kept getting harassed, so when he called again, I said ‘sure, come on over’, and as soon as I saw him pulling up, I dialed 9–1-1, and by golly it only took twice before he stopped bothering me. Of course my big Marine uncle standing behind the door made it a little easier.

Jonesn4burgers's avatar

10–4 the big marine uncle.
Some places have better enforcement than others. Some have more things in place than just ROs. Some areas have other services get involved. One woman had the problem in Nevada. A local charity got involved. They offered the guy a free one way ticket to the destination of his choice. he took it.
All things said, lots more needs to be done to protect victims of stalking.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I always liked those domestic abuse reports in the police blotter. Assault, obstruction of the airway, and violating an order of protection.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I have a feeling he’s interested in someone else, especially if you aren’t having sex.

AshLeigh's avatar

I was in a similar situation about a year ago. We’d been together for a year and a half, and he was constantly jealous of any guy I spoke to. That pissed me off, so just to be a jerk I started talking to the one he was mostly jealous of. But then I ended up actually liking that guy, and I broke up with my loser boyfriend.
I’ve been with the other guy for almost a year now. You should break up with him if he’s making you unhappy. You’ll be happier without him. It will be hard for a few days, but then you’ll realize that everything is better this way.

ucme's avatar

I think you surely already knew this relationship was on it’s knees & you just needed affirmation, you just got it in spades…you know what to do.

Judi's avatar

I haven’t read the other answers yet so sorry if I’m repeating myself.
You will have more relationships in your life. This one has served its purpose and obviously run its course. You can cause drama and stretch it out, find reasons to get angry and break up in a ball of fire or you can be thankful for what you learned from it and embrace the opportunity to discover who you are and who you are becoming as a single person again.
When I was your age, a month or so after every break up I would have a sort of epiphany and realize the parts of myself that I really liked that I had sacrificed for the relationship. It was at that point that I finally had the courage and strength to move on.

this_velvet_glove_again's avatar

@Dutchess_III I have no idea, really.

@AshLeigh If I get the guy he’s most jealous of, it will be sooooooo great, haha. And what you did sounds cool. I mean, it helped end one relationship & started a new one at the same time, I’d like that if it happened to me.
Although it would be better if I stayed alone for a while… I don’t know. Still sounds cool.

@Jonesn4burgers I imagine part of your hesitation has to do with hearing many times that it takes hard work to make a relationship work. Yes! Exactly! When things started going badly I thought it was my responsibility to change it and make it all good again, thoughts of breaking up made me feel like the worst person. That was a long time ago, though. Now I think that it’s not entirely my fault, and it’s not like we’ve been together for so many years or something…
Sure it’s going to end, yup.

@ucme You know a lot about what humans say and what lies behind that, don’t you…?

And to all of you, thank you! I’m definitely going to end it next time I see him. I’ll try to grow a pair like @GloPro said.

@Judi I do miss my single self sometimes…

chyna's avatar

I haven’t read the above answers but you should run as fast as you can away from this person. Even if he was the best boyfriend in the world, the fact that he beats innocent animals should be a huge red flag that this guy is not a good person. Staying with this guy, in effect, tells him you are okay with what he does.
Don’t be the desperate teenage girl that sticks with a jerk just so she doesn’t have to be alone.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

@this_velvet_glove_again The reason I recommended not to cry in front of him is that you’ll get much more of a clean break if he thinks you’ve already moved way past him. It’s perfectly okay to cry in private or with friends. You probably will. These things are hard. It’s not the end of the world if you do cry in front of him, but if you can come across as being well over it all, then he will realise much more quickly that there is no point in protesting, and you’ll cop less drama.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

I am surprised that at your age and with everything going for you, that you still give him the time of day. You should have been gone a long time ago. Youth is for living not for begging an idiot to be with you. ENJOY your teens and move on! STOP wasting your time!

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