Social Question

Eggie's avatar

Is it customary for the boyfriend to give his girlfriend money every time they go out?

Asked by Eggie (5148 points ) April 12th, 2014

I notice that almost every time we go out, my girlfriend always asks me for money and I give it to her. As a matter of fact she told me that a good boyfriend should just give his girlfriend money every month even if she doesn’t ask. Am I being taken advantage of? Do you guys give your girlfriend money every month? Would you girls love your boyfriend better if he did that?

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125 Answers

elbanditoroso's avatar

You are a major sucker.

No, it is not even remotely normal for a guy to give his girlfriend money. Unless, of course, she is a whore and not a girlfriend.

She is playing you for an idiot.

JLeslie's avatar

That is absolutely not customary. Not where I come from. I can’t even imagine taking money from my boyfriend. When I was dating I didn’t even want him to always pay when we went out. If it is a long term relationship and the man made much more money then I would accept generous gifts from him or offers to help me pay for something, but some sort of regular handout? No way. Especially not if we were in initial dating stages.

Cruiser's avatar

I have had a lot of girlfriends and not one has asked for or expected money from me….they just took it out of my wallet when I was not looking.

KNOWITALL's avatar

NOt normal & not cool. If you were my guy friend I’d say drop the golddigger. Sorry.

Smitha's avatar

This is not customary, I think she is just using you for money. There is nothing wrong in giving your GF money if you know her long enough and knew what she needs it for. But asking money whenever you go out does not seem to be acceptable.This just shows the relationship doesn’t have a base. When you are in a relationship the partners should support each other. It shouldn’t be one way or in such a way that your partner takes advantage financially to pay their way.

cookieman's avatar

I notice with my girlfriend that almost every time we go out, she always asks me for money and I give it to her.

You “notice” this?!?!

Are you not an active participant in this relationship?

Unless your first name is “Piggy” and your last name “Bank”, she is screwing you — and not in the good way.

livelaughlove21's avatar

I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digga…

…okay, I am. She’s ripping you off. And you’re a sucker for letting her.

The things women get away with. Crazy.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Rip off alert !!!

Try an experiment. Don’t carry any cash with you, (maybe just a credit card) and see how long the relationship lasts.
You are being taken.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@Eggie Are you noticing a trend in the posted answers? Everyone, man, woman, young old, says you are being taken. When you see 100% agreement in a Fluther answer, it is time to listen very carefully.
Stop it. Today!

Eggie's avatar

Thank you all very much for your criticism. I will stop it immediately.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Please let us know how it works out. You might not like the answer short term, but in the long run you will be better off. It is far better to end it sooner rather than later.

chyna's avatar

Good for you @Eggie. You are being used and you need to stop it.
As a matter of fact, when I dated, I made sure to pay for the evening at least every 3rd date or cook for the guy on occasion.
Does she ever do anything for you?

Eggie's avatar

It just felt good having a girlfriend, and I always covered it up by saying to myself I am just helping a friend out in need. Its what she told me that opening my eyes and how she behaves in my presence as well. I do not want to be a pushover and a “sucker”.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Hookers get paid to spend time with you. Girlfriends, not so much.

Eggie's avatar

@chyna As a matter of fact, no she doesn’t. The first time we went out, I bought her a watch and it was my birthday. She got me toiletries. For Christmas I got her a new phone( which she dropped in water and broke) and she got me a Santa Claus globe knick knack. She doesn’t pay for anything when we go out…it is always me. Then during our date Sunday past, we were just talking about stuff and she brought up how a good man should just give his girlfriend money every month without asking. I told her that I am not going to be “taking care” of any woman like that in my life. We went home on a seemingly happy note, but I have noticed that all week, she has not called me….and I am not calling back. She is not a girl for me and I will not be stupid enough to be stuck in that kind of relationship.

dabbler's avatar

Looks like you have understood all the good advice above and I’ll chime in with agreement.
A “kept woman” is what she wants to be, and unless you want to be the keeper get away from her ASAP.
Between consenting adults you could agree to just about anything but please know most women are not going to set themselves up as queen parasite in your life, find another woman to be your significant other. Be thankful you did not marry her which is where gold-diggers really sink their teeth in.

KNOWITALL's avatar

If you llove her talk it out. It may be a huge misunderstanding.

Eggie's avatar

In this new decision I have made, I am a little confused though. Should not a woman be with a man that is; well valuable? I mean, the man should be able to be financially fit right? Should not the man treat his woman by buying her expensive things and stuff? Do women look for those qualities in a man other than a good personality?

Judi's avatar

It’s ok to buy her gifts if you enjoy that but for it to be expected is just rude.

dabbler's avatar

@Eggie good observations but it’s not a one-way street. It’s true that gifts are splendid expressions of love.
But it’s rather sexist to assume the woman won’t be just as financially capable as her man these days. Both of you should be financially fit for a genuine partnership to work.
You will treat each other to meaningful gifts whether or not they are expensive.

And gifts are one thing but for an adult woman to expect you to support her (cash is not a sentimental gift) is a sad throwback to days when women were also considerred the man’s property.

Eggie's avatar

Very good point dabbler. I am done with this. I don’t even think I will talk to her about it.

gailcalled's avatar

For Christmas I got her a new phone( which she dropped in water and broke) and she got me a Santa Claus globe knickknack. That certainly says something about how she felt about you.

Eggie's avatar

@gailcalled I did not look at it at the time, because I was saying the value of the gifts don’t matter and I did not want to do anything to ruin the relationship.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Buying flowers, dinner or events is ok. What does she use it for? You rich enough to be a sugar daddy? ;)

jca's avatar

She should not be saying that, she should not be expecting that.

You gave her a phone and she gave you a Santa Claus knicknack? People may tell you that as a gift, you give what you feel and it’s not a contest. OK, fine, but the gift giving is not even somewhat on par with each other.

It seems you are the major giver and she is the major taker. Don’t be taken for a sucker.

Does this girl have a job? She should pay for you sometimes when you go out. She should buy you a dinner, a lunch, some coffee, whatever, sometimes. She should make some effort, not just “take take take.”

I would start looking at her more critically, if I were you. I would not be feeling amused if I had been giving her money all this time and then find out from a bunch of people that it’s not acceptable. I would be feeling pretty pissed, like I just got taken advantage of.

Seek's avatar

A snow globe is not a personal gift.

I hate to use the word ‘sacrifice’ because of the religious connotations, but that is what a gift is. I am taking from myself and giving to you. I may not have a lot of money, so I’m going to take my abilities and time and make something for you, with the image of your happiness in my mind as I make it. I’m sure you thought of which phone she would like to have, and took pleasure in seeing her happiness when she opened it. That is gift giving. Grabbing the first thing within reach at the $3 line at Walmart is not gift giving, in my opinion.

That said, if you collect snow globes and needed a Santa for your collection, that would be a lovely gift.

jca's avatar

In a relationship, there will be times when you may be out of work or broke and there will be times when she will be out of work or broke, and so you each reciprocate and take care of each other. That’s what it’s about. However, handing her money just because she is your girlfriend, and meanwhile you’re young and trying to establish yourself, no bueno. Buying dinners or lunches or whatever for each other is one thing, but handing her money just because she is your girlfriend, unless you’re rich and a sugar daddy, it’s not what it’s about.

Now she’s not calling you? Hold out and see how long that lasts.

@Seek makes a good point about the gift. As someone who collects various things, I can tell you that an addition to the collection is always a valuable gift. It doesn’t seem like you collect Santa Claus knick knacks, though, so I am guessing your girlfriend just wanted to give you something for the sake of giving you something.

dabbler's avatar

Take heart @Eggie, you seem to be a generous person and willing to be in a very sharing relationship.

Believe that you can meet a woman who appreciates that and wants to reciprocate. You will find that relationship much more fulfilling than the one you have described to us.

In the meantime look out for the people who see that generosity in your nature and appreciate it only for what they can con from you. I have had the same problem, it’s not in my nature to be untrusting, but one has to have some boundaries and be wary of people who will suck the life out of you. They can only do that if you let them.

filmfann's avatar

Yes, if she is a prostitute or escort.

syz's avatar

Your girlfriend needs to get a job. And you need to get a new girlfriend.

LuckyGuy's avatar

I know you are young. Is she as well? It sounds like she is training to become a professional parasite. There is a very good chance she is doing the same with other guys as well. Stop being a host.
Also prepare yourself for her to be very manipulative. She’ll try to make you think it is all a misunderstanding (even though it isn’t) – and might even give you a free one, once. But you can bet she’ll be twice as demanding the next time.
That kind of a person is a bottomless pit. “What gift will you give me for Valentine’ day my birthday , Christmas, anniversary…. ” How will you top it.
You would be better off stuffing your money down a rat hole.

zenvelo's avatar

Should not a woman be with a man that is; well valuable? I mean, the man should be able to be financially fit right? Should not the man treat his woman by buying her expensive things and stuff? Do women look for those qualities in a man other than a good personality?

Being financially fit and responsible is different from paying her to be your girlfriend (which is what you are doing.) You won’t be valuable if you giver all your money. You are not at all “fit” if you give her all of that.

And no, money and gifts are not what makes a man worthwhile; if you date women that judge men on that basis, you will go through life severely disappointed and not understanding what a relationship is all about. Love is about you, not your wallet.

Drop her today. She is using you absolutely and completely. If you cut off her money, she’ll be gone by next Thursday.

GloPro's avatar

Although I agree with everyone else’s answers as it pertains to your current relationship, your question being Is it customary to give your girlfriend money every time you go out?, I will give another answer.

In my last relationship we were both very loose with money. When we went out there were times that I gave him my ID, whatever cash I had on me, and my Chapstick to hold. I lose purses and wear dresses. He would give me money for drinks or whatever as I asked for it, and more often than not he would give all of my cash back to me later with my ID. When we would go run errands whichever one of us had cash on them would pay for our collective purchases even though we didn’t live together. More often than not he would give me cash later if I had been the one to have paid. We just didn’t keep financial tabs. He made considerably more than me at 6 figures, although I was making plenty myself, so he just paid. He gave me unsolicited money sometimes, and I learned to just take it and appreciate it. I’d buy him things that suited him when I was out shopping, and I bought him well thought out gifts on holidays. Money was not a point of contention for us at all. I don’t think I was gold digging, or taking advantage of him, or any of the things said by everyone above. It was just the way it was.

If you don’t have the money then you certainly shouldn’t be doling it out to others. In your current relationship you are being taken advantage of, but if you feel good about spoiling a woman then it is okay to do so. It isn’t always a greedy scheming woman.

zenvelo's avatar

@GloPro You described the way my last girlfriend and I shared money and paying for things. At the time she was not earning much at all, and I could afford to pay for both of us to enjoy a lot of nice things.

The difference in the structure that both you and I enjoyed, and the strictures being set up on @Eggie is a matter of not only expectation but of her demanding money from him. My ex, if she was in a dire situation, would approach me to ask for help. But that was much different from an expectation that a wad of cash be put in her hand every month or every time they go out.

GloPro's avatar

@zenvelo Oh, I completely agree. I only brought that up because sometimes men will become jaded against spending money on a woman just because they encounter one like Eggie’s (ex?)girlfriend. It becomes another piece of baggage. I’ve seen hints of that thinking on this site. As long as it’s mutual and no one is feeling bad, pressured, or guilty, then money doesn’t always have to be an issue.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Eggie, any updates? Did you turn her down and did she get mad or ? Just thinking of you sweetie.

Eggie's avatar

Well I saw her Saturday night and it did not go according as planned. She asked me for a
T-Shirt borrowed and she visited my house and I did not mention what I was supposed to tell her. Instead I warmed some dinner for her and after that we made out. The next day when I went to my chess club, she was calling me but instead of answering I switched off my phone. When the day was done, I called her back, and just as I predicted she was calling me to bring something for her to eat because she is not working far from where I live. I did not bring anything for her. I think though she senses something wrong, because talking to her on the phone, she sounded different when I just said I was just returning the call and didn’t have much to say to her…..but I haven’t broke it off yet or spoke to her about the problem.

GloPro's avatar

Take her a bologna sandwich.

Eggie's avatar

Talking to her that Saturday night revealed some more things about her. I am on vacation right now from my teaching job because I have two weeks off because of mid terms. I was planning to go and work for 4 days at my previous job at the sandwich place where she is currently working right now to get some extra money for a road trip party that I wanted to go to. She told me that she could not go because she did not want to miss work and she did not have any money to get something for her to wear. So I decided that I was not going to work those extra days anymore. When I told her that Saturday night, she said ” So you could only go to work and get extra money for us to party but you would not work for money for more important things.” I said like what? She replied ” You could give me the money to help me out with my house that I want to build.”

I am thinking I could do that, because she has two kids and she is younger than I am. She is 23 years old. I am 28. On the other hand, I am thinking that I should not have to do that and I do not want to do that. What am I getting in return? Shouldn’t she have her own plan toward building her house and stuff like that? I do not think that it costs her anything financially being with me since I pay for everything. All the dates we went on, I paid for it in full. I feel bad wanted to break up with her because it is not even a year that we are together and I wanted a stable relationship in my life with a girl at least once. I have never had that. I tried breaking up with her before, but I slipped back in the relationship.

Right now I am just planning to ignore her until she gets the message. I may tell her about it sooner or later but right now I just want to avoid her. Is that a good thing?

GloPro's avatar

NO. Don’t be rude.
Just curious, does she have more than one job, a college degree, or anything that may help her get out of a sandwich shop? Why do you need to bring a meal to someone in a sandwich shop? Is she getting any government assistance or child support?

You need to address her directly and firmly. If you want out, say so. If you are more concerned about her expectations and laying claim to your money, say so. There should not be an expectation of any financial support from you.

If she has two children she may be wanting to spend all of her money on them and then have you support her needs. Life just doesn’t work that way without a conversation. Have the conversation, put your foot down and tell her you will not be financially supporting her, and to continue in a relationship at all you need to see that she is fully capable of supporting herself and her children (without you). I see no problem in taking her on dates, that’s called courting. She is not creating a symbiotic relationship, but a parasitic one.

gailcalled's avatar

The silent treaatment and/or avoiding her is not a good thing. It is called passive aggressive behavior.

You must never assume anyone gets any message by your ignoring him or her. The ONLY way she will get an accurate message is for you to say the words out loud, to her…immediately .

Your behavior is keeping you an adolescent.

JLeslie's avatar

@eggie Why are you being passive aggressive?

She is a real piece of work. All sorts of red flags. I hope you can break up and not go through too much sadness about it.

Eggie's avatar

She does not have any formal education. I think I described who she is in a former thread….

This may sound very silly indeed, but what should I expect from her? I knew what I was getting into from day one. I met her while I used to work there at the sandwich place, and I knew she had kids and she had no formal education. I saw her not having a good relationship with the boss and we even argued when we worked together. It just happened….. She looked good and I guess I wasn’t thinking and got in a relationship with her without planning. To be even more silly….I have to admit that….I liked it…. For the while when we went out she did some things that wasnt cool but I kind of enjoyed being with her. For one thing she is very vicy and she has a very aggressive and forward sexual behaviour that really thrills me…especially when we have sex. I just got caught up and to tell the truth I manipulated the situation too by telling her stuff at first like wanting her to be my only girl and wanting to stick by her no matter what and stuff like that…...

Right now this is just one big mess… that I have to sort out! I

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Eggie Well, you just gave us the answer. She is young and single with two children, not easy to support unless her ex or baby daddy’s make good money. She’s looking for a hero, which isn’t a bad thing unless you don’t want to be that guy. She sounds like a predator.

GloPro's avatar

@Eggie What should I expect from her?

I think you are getting what you expect: sex with a hot piece of baggage. Don’t complicate it by thinking this is a relationship. Why is she trying to build a house if you two think you have any future together?

If you are getting tired of paying for her then stop. If not, keep paying for her until you do get tired of it. It sounds like you know there isn’t a future. Just remember that in future relationships you should not be facing this financial scenario. Not if she’s a keeper.

JLeslie's avatar

Typical. You like the sex. No surprise. Maybe you need to be more selective in who you date. Date women who will have qualities you would want to marry. A rabbi once told me, inter-dating leads to intermarriage. What that means is you have to discriminate up front knowing who you are willing to be with long term, or you might find yourself in a relationship with someone who is not a good fit. People stay together for all sorts of reasons, they fall in love, they find it hard to leave, they get used to the routine. Breaking up is much harder to do than to just being a little pickier in the beginning.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Eggie And actually, you may be doing her a favor by explaining your feelings to her, even via email or text.

Eggie's avatar

I will explain to her everything. It is still kind of confusing though. Wouldn’t you girls love for your man to like help you out like that whenever you need it? I mean, what if you wanted money to do something for this month and you are dating your bf and asked your bf for some money to pay your rent. He willing says” Sure babe” and even gives you more than you requested. Wouldn’t he be like a “He-Man” to you?

Judi's avatar

@Eggie , I wouldn’t even ask! I married a guy who had much more money than me and we even had separate bank accounts for the first 10 years because I didn’t want to come off as a gold digger. I’m sure people talked but my husband knew that I was paying the way for myself and my three children. He paid the rent and I paid the utilities at first.
Now, just months from our 24th wedding anniversary It is different but at first I wanted to prove that I loved him for him and not for his money.

Seek's avatar

Jimminy Christmas.

You know, there are chicks out there that pay their own bills, that are also really good in the sack.

Find one.

GloPro's avatar

@Eggie I won’t deny that women don’t appreciate a stable man. Don’t confuse that with paying for everything. There is always a give and take. There are many non-monetary forms of being a He-Man. Hell, physically build her the house once she has saved her own money. I would NEVER leave a good man that is great at honey do’s.

elbanditoroso's avatar

@seek – if you know of any in Atlanta, send them my way…

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Eggie I see your point, and the answer is yes, most people in general would love to be showered with gifts or taken out to dinner, etc…

The real question is, do you want to be ‘loved’ for you or for your money?

If you’re not looking for love, and you have plenty of cash, then she may be the perfect little piece for you at this time of your life, but you better watch your back, she may end up pregnant or something.

SpatzieLover's avatar

but you better watch your back, she may end up pregnant or something

^^^Seriously @Eggie, I know quite a few guys that have been suckered into something further due to an “unexpected” pregnancy.

The sex is not worth it unless you love her, and are prepared to care for a ready made family.

chyna's avatar

Wouldn’t you girls love for your man to like help you out like that whenever you need it?
It might be fun for a little while, but I wouldn’t respect him. And @Eggie, you aren’t rich. Don’t give all of your money away to buy a girl to date.

JLeslie's avatar

I was going to ask if she was married when she had her kids and if the kids had the same father. I stifled, but now that people are bringing up that she could get pregnant, I can’t hold back.

@Eggie This is not one special instance where she needed help one month, she does it constantly; this is her MO. If your answe to my first paragraph in this answer is she had two children that were unplanned, with different fathers and she is constantly taking money, then she is a mess. Sorry to sound so old and conservative. If this is normal in your circles, then I want you to know it is not normal in others. You don’t have to be a part of what surrounds you, you can shoot for better. I am not assuming anything, I am just saying listen to @Seek.

jca's avatar

@Eggie: I remember you discussing your girlfriend in a question you asked a while ago and people gave you all kinds of warnings back then.

jca's avatar

The OP’s previous question about his girlfriend:
http://www.fluther.com/161156/is-this-relationship-right/

gailcalled's avatar

I had forgotten that at 23, this woman has children who were aged 9 and 5, nine months ago. (I just did the math.) First date you bought her a watch, then a phone for Xmas, no wonder she feels comfortable asking you to pay for building her a house. You’re the sucker with the deep pockets.

Seek's avatar

First kid at 13/14, second at 19. Woah.

GloPro's avatar

Ew, she smokes?

jca's avatar

@Eggie: I can’t imagine asking anybody, even my closest relative, to give me money to build a house. This girl has nerve, she is using you, (and she sounds like a skank), and you are letting her because you like the sex. Meanwhile time is passing and you could be in search of and possibly finding “Mrs. Right.”

LuckyGuy's avatar

@Eggie I just read some of the earlier questions you had on this subject. Her skipping out at work, her anger, her disrespect, her….

Run, or roll, to the nearest exit! It only takes a few seconds to suck or blow out an egg. The empty shell lasts much longer – and can never be refilled.

Eggie's avatar

I will miss her, but I know she doesnt belong with me. Thank you…...

LuckyGuy's avatar

@Eggie You wrote:“I know she doesnt belong with me.”
Now say that out loud again and remember it when she tries to manipulate you. (And no question about it, she will try – and try again.)
She has made and continues to make bad choices. Her problems are not your responsibility. They belong to her and the fathers of her children!

You must take care of yourself. Like they say on every airplane flight: “Attend to your own oxygen mask first.”
Promise us you will resist. You can do it!

Don’t make me come over there! :-)

JLeslie's avatar

Plus, most girl you have a relationship with are going to give you sex. That’s usually the easy part when you are young.

Eggie's avatar

but she is so cute…

JLeslie's avatar

:( I know it’s hard. You can just tell her you no longer can give her money and see if she leaves you. Maybe that would be easier? If she does leave you then you know she really only cared about your money. It’s not like you are wealthy is it? When she takes from you, you must feel the pinch in your wallet. Don’t you? Even if you were wealthy, she shouldn’t be asking for money. No class and she fails to take responsibility for her life. You must protect yourself against pregnancy with her, you cannot trust her to do it.

Eggie's avatar

Yea I do, and her reputation is very bad too. I my mind I just wanted to give her a chance. I did not think it was fair to judge someone on their past mistakes. To tell the truth I kind of felt important giving her money and taking care of her.
But I cant put myself on hold for her. I want to get my Masters Degree, migrate, live another life and she does not fit in. Besides that I just do not see that it is fair for her to be asking for money all the time. Its like I am really paying her to go out with me. Im done with this!

JLeslie's avatar

Once you break up you might feel relief. I hope you do.

LuckyGuy's avatar

You wrote: “but she is so cute.” – And she knows it!
I can assure you, that will not last. However, the scars from a life-sucking parasite last forever.

@Eggie If you haven’t already, start keeping a diary so you know exactly when you saw her last. – and what you did. Warning! Don’t participate in the goodbye sex she will offer! If she thinks you are still a potential money donor she might try to play the pregnancy card three months from now.
“Oh Eggie! Something happened. And you are the father.”

Eggie's avatar

I was always afraid of that…..

Eggie's avatar

Well since I’m single again, would any of you Fluther babes want a piece of Eggie? I’m a big giver….in many many ways….
PM me if you are interested

GloPro's avatar

@Eggie It took me about 6 months to get out of a relationship I should not be in. It eats away at your self-esteem. I’ve been alone for about a year now, and it’s been tough watching him immediately move on. It definitely isn’t easy, but you really need to put yourself first and make yourself into the person you want to be and want to offer to someone worthy of you. Deep down you have to have the strength to be lonely until that worthy girl presents herself. And she will. Have faith.

Eggie's avatar

I’m really quite delicious once you get to know me….

JLeslie's avatar

Not lonely! Alone. They are different things. When I was young being without a boyfriend was not lonely. I was with friends, working, going to school, I never felt like I had to have a boyfriend.

GloPro's avatar

@JLeslie I’m pretty busy and surrounded by friends, but I definitely feel lonely on holidays when I watch my friends pair up. I feel lonely some nights because it would be nice to cuddle up at home and be cozy with someone.
I’m definitely not alone. I feel lonely in that area of my life.

JLeslie's avatar

@GloPro I never felt like that, but I understand why some people do. Maybe if I had gotten married at an older age I would have started to feel like that eventually. I don’t know how old you are.

GloPro's avatar

I’m 34. Old enough to be over casual dating. Old enough that I’m the only one not married (or divorced). That was my own doing. I used to run from commitment because I always dated people I knew I didn’t want to settle down with (like @Eggie). I would waste a year here and there, then run away. Now I feel like I missed the window and the good ones are happily taken. Lots of people are starting their second round about now, though. I have less baggage with no kids, no ex, but the opportunities are also less. I didn’t feel lonely when I was younger, because I wasn’t ready, but I feel lonely on occasion now. I would say the last thing I am is alone.

JLeslie's avatar

Makes sense. There are still good ones out there don’t get too discouraged. Eggie is very young I think.

GloPro's avatar

He’s 28. I still wasn’t ready at 28.

Eggie's avatar

I could change that for you Glo…...

GloPro's avatar

Haha! Deal! I live in a paradise, will you move?
and I am ridiculously good in bed, don’t need your money, and am almost too independent

Eggie's avatar

you got a big truck? I’d have to park my bike in it….

GloPro's avatar

If you send me lots of money I’ll figure it all out ~

dappled_leaves's avatar

@Eggie All that you seem to understand about what you want in a relationship is that you want sex with a cute girl. So, you should not be surprised that this is all you have. If you want to be with a partner who you can relate to as a whole, distinct, other person, then you need to be able to look for that and see that in the women you’re considering dating.

Women are people, just like you are. You need to talk to them to find out what they think about things, what they value, what they believe. How is it that you come to Fluther saying only, “She told me she expects me to give her money – how can she tell me this?” Why didn’t you just talk to her right away about your expectations from one another? Are you in a relationship with this person or not? You’ve been together for almost a year, and it sounds like you have no idea who she is.

gailcalled's avatar

@Eggie; repeat after me:

1) “Right now this is just one big mess… that I have to sort out!”

2) “I want to get my Master’s Degree, migrate, live another life and she does not fit in.”

3) “Im done with this!”

jca's avatar

@Eggie: I hope you’re having safe sex, because she sounds like the type that may try to trick you, especially if you try to break up with her.

Eggie's avatar

I am having safe sex. I do not refer to women as just sex objects. She called me last night to talk, saying that she just wanted to tell me how good I look. I just brushed her off saying that I wad busy.

JLeslie's avatar

I guess you are going for the passive approach.

Eggie's avatar

No, I will talk to her. I am not a coward.

JLeslie's avatar

I wasn’t thinking you are a coward.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@Eggie I’ll bet the next time you see her she will be all “foxed up” and looking fine. It is no accident. It’s a ploy to break your resolve. Do not respond.

Let me tell you about my idiot nephew who is a little older than you. He met ‘Mary’ and really hit it off. there were ignored warning flags. She always wanted nice presents. She also came with 2 children by 2 different fathers. She would not agree to live together in his apartment so he bought a house and went deep into debt. About 6 months after she moved in she got pregnant – with twins! Healthy birth, happy mom and dad… until just before Christmas when the kids were 9 months old. She suddenly announced she wanted him to leave. Why? She wanted the father of one of the children (an ex crackhead) to move in with her!

My nephew wanted to fight back but did not have the resources, so we bankrolled a lawyer so he could get shared custody and stay in the house. His mother now has the burden of baby sitting for free when he is working, meeting the kids at the school bus, feeding them until he gets home… He can barely keep up with house payments. We pay for more than I care to admit.

And Mary? She moved into a house she shares with the 2 previous fathers!!! Wouldn’t you love to be a fly on that wall?

Mary was cute too.

GloPro's avatar

@LuckyGuy I’m sure your nephew had DNA testing? Maury Povich would love to help him, if not.

gailcalled's avatar

I just brushed her off saying that I was busy.

That’s passive-aggression again, otherwise known as stalling.

No, I will talk to her

That’s called “talking to us and not to her.”

LuckyGuy's avatar

@GloPro Believe me the thought crossed my mind but I said nothing.
It has been 4 years now. She’s gone. The twins are cute as buttons and add so much to every family event. The outcome of a DNA test would make no difference and could potentially cause additional pain and resentment.
Best to let that sleeping dog lie.

Eggie's avatar

That is a terrible story. @gailcalled I understand you think I am stalling but I will talk to her about the problem.

@LuckyGuy has made a very good point with the children issue. To tell the truth…even if she does not use me with a child and she genuinely wants a child of her own with me, I still will not want to have a baby with her because I am thinking that my child would not be well taken care of without me. That is a serious thing that I have always considered.
One of the reasons that my bro-in-law married my sister was that he believes that if something happens to him today or tomorrow she can take care of herself and his kids effectively.

GloPro's avatar

@Eggie Wow. You are in too deep, my friend. I have no idea why the subject of children would have come up with a woman you want no future with. If a 23 year old with two illegitimate children she can’t support on her own ever mentioned children to me I would have a vasectomy if I couldn’t help but bang her.

Eggie's avatar

@GloPro actually she never mentioned children to me, I was just creating a senario. She actually told me that she does not want any more children right now for anybody. She says that she has her hands full.

Look I know that she sounds like bad news….but a part of me is really sorry I am going through this. I feel really silly right now wanting to break up with her because she asked me how I am feeling in the relationship and I said ok. She even asked me if I wanted to continue with the relationship and I said yes. I said those things because I just was not thinking at the time. I really liked being with her, I liked how we could go to parties and stuff and other guys are jelous of me. I liked when we visited places that was far out of our district together and I just did not want to give that up at the time.

GloPro's avatar

Oh, we get it. It’s why “good” guys and girls finish last. But the “good” guys and girls are the ones finding mutually fulfilling long-term relationships.

Maybe you aren’t ready. I reiterate, if you aren’t tired of giving her money and being with her then that’s your choice. Whether it’s fair to you, to her, whatever… That’s up to you. Just don’t be deceptive.

chyna's avatar

I liked how we could go to parties and stuff and other guys are jelous of me.
So you really just want the “eye candy” hanging off your arm and if you have to give her money to have that, so be it?
Only you can decide what you will do about this situation, but I think pretty much everyone on here gave you good advice to run from this relationship. There are plenty of sweet, cute girls to date and I wouldn’t tie myself down to one that you have so many doubts about.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Be firm. Not Over Easy.

dappled_leaves's avatar

It sounds like the two of you deserve each other. I’m not sure why you’d break up with her if neither of you is particularly interested in knowing the other person well, and if – for both of you – it’s just a matter of who gets what out of it. She gets a few bucks in her pocket, you get a pretty toy on your arm.

I guess what people are trying to explain to you here is that… that’s not what a relationship is supposed to be. You should both be expecting more of each other, and more of yourselves. Usually, these expectations come along with maturity. But if you haven’t figured this out by 28, I’m not so sure you’re going to learn it.

jca's avatar

@Eggie: It seems as if you’re both using each other – you’re enjoying the fact that you have someone cute to bring to parties and perhaps be the envy of other guys and she’s enjoying the fact that she can ask you for money and you tolerate it and give it to her.

Eggie's avatar

I’m not using her for a toy. It’s just one of the benifits. I mostly enjoy her because I can explore different places and she is great company, like the time we went to this beach that was very far from where we live. That was a great date (although she could have helped by cooking the food), because I got to experience that exotic beach with company that enjoyed being with me (well I thought so at the time). It was a great adventure for the both of us because I planned for it very well before- lots of alcho, fried chicken,camera, transport and stuff like that…but it could have been even better if she pitched in more.

We went on another date where we went to this comedy festival. She really wanted to go, and I didn’t well wasn’t excited as she was…but then I thought..how often do I go to a comedy festival. So we went, and although she reached late, we had a good time. For me, the jokes were funny but I actually enjoyed seeing her laughing heartily and enjoying herself and that really made me happy seeing that.

I enjoy her because for the little time that we were together she was being a girlfriend someone who was with me to enjoy things that I wanted to explore and I did not mention it but she is also a good listener. By this I mean, she listens to me with a good understanding. She may not be well educated but she understands my feelings. She is a lot of fun when we go out, because she does things that are outrageously funny. She is also not selfish, in the sense of going places that I like and sharing whatever little she has with me. She also has a nice temper (well when it comes to me anyhow). She cusses at her boss and other people when she gets mad…but when I tease her or do something that I know she hates she doesn’t wail on me like she does the others…and she has a really nasty temper…but whenever I tease her like pull the front of her hair that she took ohh so long to do, she just says ” Eggie why youre doing that???!!!! Do you know how long it took me to fix my hair like that??! She teases me too, and I actually am more mean than she is. Its just really nice to have someone that you can share your good pieces of life with and ..well before I start feeling this way, she was that person. I knew we are different, but to me that is what makes it so much fun. She is the type of person that my parents wouldn’t approve (which they don’t by the way) and that is what makes it kind of exciting for me…until now.

When thinking about her, she is not so bad….but I do not want my feelings to make me into a sucker. I have seen that being done to people and I do not want that to happen to me.

These are the problems:
1 Asking for money almost every time we go out. MAJOR
2 Expecting that I have to give her money every time I get paid. MAJOR
3 Not pitching in to things that we both want, like on dates and trips (am I asking to much with that one???)

4 Not being too ambitious. She should try harder to leave the sandwich place she is working in and get educated, but she keeps saying that its really hard with the kids and all.MAJOR
5 Smoking..getting tired of that.

6 Me….me for wanting to migrate because I cant take her away from her kids. I will not ask her to do that and they can’t come with me. MAJOR.

JLeslie's avatar

Well, if you keep being passive aggressive she will assume you are cheating most likely, which basically you are in the sense that you are now emotionally less invested in the relationship. The symptoms are the same usually. Change in behavior, avoiding the other person, lying. She will get annoyed soon enough, and she seems like the type of girl who will just find the next guy. If you keep doing what you are doing she will break up with you most likely as soon as some other guy shows her some attention.

Eggie's avatar

@JLeslie Its like watever for me right now…..

Seek's avatar

Anyone else starting to feel sorry for the girl?

Eggie's avatar

@Seek You are feeling sorry for her? I thought you guys were on my side?

dappled_leaves's avatar

@Seek Yup. And for her kids.

Seek's avatar

From what it sounds like, she’s being honest about her expectations and you’re not.

In my mind, if you’re lying, you’re cheating. Dishonesty is unacceptable in my mind.

Her expectations are: She provides companionship and sex, you provide pretty things and money and stuff. That’s pretty straightforward, if not my idea of an ideal relationship. Stranger situations have worked out for the benefit of all involved.

You are now stringing her along, pretending to be emotionally invested when you’re not. Brushing her off for no apparent reason (to her) and changing your tune at every turn, because you’re too much of a pansy to have an adult conversation.

I wouldn’t want to date you, that’s for damn sure.

Eggie's avatar

So then in this case it is good to give her money every month? No, I should just tell her that I really like her and I tried but this relationship cannot work out. That would make me a pussy because I like her but would be running from her kids because I don’t want responsibility ?

Seek's avatar

No.

It’s good to be emotionally honest.

If you want to be with her, warts and all, do it.

If you don’t want to be with her, knock off the childish passive-aggressiveness and cut her off.

Sack up, make a decision, and act on it.

JLeslie's avatar

@Eggie I know. She is beginning to know too. She’s a mess so I don’t feel too sorry for her. She wrangles the type of guy who goes for looks, and so she gets what she gets. She uses them, so when they wise up she moves onto the next. I am sure it is a pattern for her.

I hope it is not a pattern for you. I am not assuming it is, I don’t know what the other girls you dated were like. She has a more telling past just knowing a few details about her.

GloPro's avatar

I wouldn’t say ‘on your side.’ You asked for opinions, every single one of them has been to cut her loose. You keep giving us reasons you should cut her loose, which we all agree with, then keep stringing her along. You are starting to come off as either two-faced or whiny. Either way you want to have your cake and eat it, too. I’m sure all of us want what is best for you… But we want what’s best for her, too.
Telling you that giving money to someone is not expected is not the same as supporting your actions.
If you want to stay with her, be the kind of person you would want to date. If she were complaining about you behind your back and stringing you along, how do you think you would feel? Every couple has rough patches, and you have aired your laundry about her to us before. At some point you either take the advice to heart or people stop wanting to hear about your relationship problems.

And smoking… MAJOR

jca's avatar

@GloPro makes good points – you’ve been warned by the Fluther community about this girl in the past. Either sh** or get off the pot – meaning either take the advice or stay and let the discussion end.

You also said your parents don’t like her but you don’t say why.

Why did you ask, in your last comment on this thread, if it’s good to give her money every month, after everyone here said it’s not? Were you confused about the answers or issues?

Eggie's avatar

It was just about what @Seek said….she started feeling sorry for her and she made the point that I was manipulating her. she is right though….. I will call her now and tell her what is on my mind. I will post afterwards to update the situation.

Eggie's avatar

Well I did it, and it ended on a good note. She actually wanted to end it first, and told me that she doesn’t think that this should continue (probably the way I was acting) and I just told her my problems with her and I ended it there.

Seek's avatar

Huzzah!

Another bullet dodged.

Seriously, though, with my best big-sister voice: Take some time out to be single, and really think about what you want from a relationship before choosing your next partner(s).

I don’t care what it is you want, just make sure you know what it is, so you don’t end up with another incompatible relationship dragging you down.

Eggie's avatar

Feeling really blue, she tried calling me back a while ago and I just rejected all her calls. I don’t want to undo what is already done. Gonna cheer myself up and watch some some
girl on-girl porno

jca's avatar

@Eggie: I was thinking yesterday, after reading you wrote that you broke up with her, that I would bet she was not done with you and would probably try something, like to dress herself up and flit around. I didn’t write that because I didn’t want to seem negative or doubtful. I am now saying I still bet, even now, that she is going to try to work on you. She’ll be calling, crying, whatever. Watch.

Excellent advice from @Seek. You’re better off alone for a while, in my opinion.

dabbler's avatar

The stories you write about the good times you had with your now-ex, at the beach etc., show you can be good company and that you appreciate good company. And you are clearly ready to pitch in to make a relationship work.
Now imagine how well that would work with another person who actually cares for you on the level that you’re willing to care for her. Believe it that all those good parts are better without the gold-digging baggage that your ex brought with her.
[ Also I could just about bet that if she actually was thinking about breaking up with you, it’s because she think$ $he can get a better deal $ucking the life out of $omeone el$e. ]

GloPro's avatar

Yay! Way to be strong. I’ve taken 6 months to end it before, it sucked in hindsight.
Enjoy your tribbing tapes :-)

Eggie's avatar

@dabbler That is good to hear dabbler, thanks for the encouragement

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