I can only answer from personal experience – especially since you don’t want ‘textbook’ answers.
Because I was abused as a child and thought so poorly of myself, I never could imagine that anyone could see something in me, and that they were just with me because I served a purpose or they were biding their time until someone “better” came along. Thus, I felt that the only way anyone would be with me was if I was useful to them, and if they felt they needed me. I focused all my time and effort into their problems and telling them what they could do to make it better; which not only made me feel like I had value, but it also deflected the focus off of me and all the issues I had – a clever diversion.
At the same time, I wished for someone to ‘rescue’ me, to ‘complete’ me, to ‘make me happy’, etc. Placing such expectations on someone else is not fair to them – they have their own faults and flaws and can’t be expected to fix yours. What we all yearn for is unconditional love – to be valued just for being us. Yet, if we see ourselves as despairing, incomplete, and unhappy and we manifest that in our behaviors, how could we believe that someone else would possibly want to be around us? This is where people start getting suspicious – “it’s too good to be true”. They might test the other person’s loyalties and devotion by playing those head games that so many people play.
That is co-dependence, and I think someone else mentioned that it occurs in many relationships, not just romantic partnerships. I have seen many women develop co-dependency with their children. Their whole lives revolve around the kid and they coddle and spoil them because they want their lives to be easier than they had it, and they want the kid to know how special they are. In the meantime, the kid is not learning to take responsibility or to be independent. When the time comes to go leave the nest, the mother goes into a frenzy because they don’t know what they’ll do without a kid to take care of. Some kids never cut the umbilical cord and have problems trying to form adult relationships, or some resent the parent and rebel.
After having failed in a few serious attempts at relationships, I spent some time to work on becoming a better role model for my son, and that also helped me become more like the type of person I admire and would want to be around. Along the way, I also contemplated the fear aspect – what if I meet someone and it doesn’t work out? It occurred to me that at some point, we will have to say goodbye to every person that we love.
If I date someone for a month, a year, or five years and we break up would that goodbye be harder or easier than if we’re together until one of us dies? Am I not better for having opened my heart and shared love for however long or short a time it lasted? What’s the worst that could happen, that I haven’t already been through in previous breakups? Would I be better for having loved and lost, or better if I stay single? Is there really a difference between those two versions of me? It seems like a cliche to say that we have to first love ourselves before we can truly love another, but in my experience, this has proven to be true.
Once I learned to accept my flaws and frailties, I became better able to accept the faults of others and to see that those are what make us uniquely and beautifully human.
Once I learned to own my insecurities and to not feel ashamed because I was abused as a child, I was able to see that we all have weaknesses and don’t like what we see in the mirror.
Once I was able to forgive myself for the poor decisions I made while trapped in a victim’s mindset, I was better able to put myself in others’ shoes and realize that I could easily be in their position (for better or worse) had a few circumstances been slightly different.
Once I was able to hold myself accountable for my feelings and my actions, I no longer needed to point fingers at those who harmed me in my past on whom to place blame, and I no longer needed to daydream about alternate realities in which I had been wanted and loved and encouraged by my parents and family – I was free to live in the real world of the present.
Once I was free from my past and living a life of integrity, I no longer needed to feel the approval of anyone else, because I approved of myself.
Once I approved of myself, I was able to accept the concept that I am, in fact, lovable and worthy of happiness just the way I am.
Once I learned to see myself as deserving of happiness, I began to engage in activities that brought me joy, and soon life was a positive experience and even the shitty days were better than the good days as my old pessimistic self.
Once I found happiness within I no longer felt vulnerable to external forces; I shared my happiness with others around me, and opened my heart to allow love to flow freely.
Once the love flowed freely from me, I found a kindred spirit. We struck up a good friendship and recognized the strong chemistry. We discussed it and chose to begin a romantic relationship. We made sure that any loose ends and unfinished business were respectfully taken care of. We talked about how important open communication and full disclosure are to us. We considered all the potential challenges based on past experiences and formulated our plan to avoid having those challenges become problems and resentments. We formed a partnership based on love, respect, and devotion, not need — and then we went on our first romantic date.
We accept ourselves and each other as we are, and are the same people whether we are alone, with our oldest friends, or together. We are together alone and alone together (I’m trying to come up with a better way to say that). We are each solid and whole, yet completely open and exposed. When this ends, it will definitely hurt and our grief will be tangible, yet neither of us will be emotionally destroyed by it because we are already complete. Our partnership somehow enhances our individual, independent identities. Having the devotion of the other without expectations or neediness allows us to feel even safer and more free to be ourselves.
I really do have difficulty putting words to these concepts, I hope this makes sense and that it helps. If something doesn’t make sense, please ask me for clarification.
