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jlk2525's avatar

Why cant I get a boyfriend? Any tips?

Asked by jlk2525 (176 points ) 3 months ago

Posting on here because unfortunately people in my life are at a loss to give me any answers or give me anything productive :(

People make comments towards me saying ‘How on earth does someone like you not have a boyfriend?’. Going by what others close to me have told me is that I’m very intelligent, funny, caring and very good looking. In just the last two weeks I’ve had two guys approach me literally on the street asking to take me out (I wasn’t attracted though). Somehow, I’ve been single for almost four years since my last relationship that ended really badly. I’ve asked some good guy friends why they think I cant get a boyfriend and they are at a loss, cant believe that the guys I rarely do like don’t make a move, or lose interest after the first date. I keep asking: what is wrong with me if I am all these things yet its not enough? I’ve been involved with average guys, extremely handsome guys, a rich guy, an older guy, younger guy yet no combination seems to work! So that leads me to ask for any tips from anyone in a similar situation or advice particularly from guys….

Just recently I had a good first date(first date in the past year!) with a very intelligent guy with model good looks, easy to talk to and was potential. The ending of the date was awkward but we acknowledged it in our follow up messages and he asked twice in one week to see me again. Our plans fell through on the weekend (he was busy with study and warned me it could happen) but since then (4 days ago) he hasn’t replied to my text. Just disappeared and I can’t understand how he would go from wanting to see me again to no interest in a matter of days. I assure you I did try with this guy, making sure I didn’t come across as desperate, needy, uninterested etc. Obviously my self esteem has taken a huge hit after this. It could be my choice in men or it could be I’m not cut out for dating full stop. I don’t need a boyfriend but I want one and one that is right for me. I want to feel loved and have affection. Can’t remember the last time anyone really hugged me. Any thoughts on how to change my situation would be greatly appreciated….

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17 Answers

JLeslie's avatar

Maybe that recent date actually went on a date and was not studying and he was more I to her. Or, maybe he is very busy. I would send one more peace of communication. He might not be keeping track of who sent who the last text. He might be wondering if you still want to get together.

My best advice is just be yourself, put yourself out there in social situations, flirt, and definitely have a list of must haves. Top 5 I can give you, honest, supportive, responsible, interested in your goals, and respectful. The next 5 are just as important, those are your top 5 for qualities you like in someone you might spend every day with for the rest of your life. the older you are the more specific the list tends to get, which is fine in my opinion. Nothing wrong with a bit of purposeful searching, but in the end it usually happens in a very natural way. The chemistry and rapport is usually there or it isn’t. I am not talking about sexual synergy, but rather the excitement when both people want to be with each other all the time. Some of it is statistics. Meet 20 men, go on 6 dates, one is worth going on a second date. I made up those stats, it’s just an example.

Also, men like to be with women who make them feel good. Women are the same for that matter. Be interested in them, smile a lot, have confidence. Body language has a lot to do with whether someone sees you as confident. Stand and sit up straight. Walk into a room like you know where you are going.

bolwerk's avatar

Play the field more? Don’t put all your stock in one person. You know these people aren’t putting it all in you.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Don’t try so hard. Just relax and go with it. I hate the feeling of being pursued. But just go easy and I’m so easy to talk to. All the times I’ve had really great times with the opposite sex were times I wasn’t trying.

rojo's avatar

Group dating?
A bunch of friends and acquaintances going out together and becoming more friendly before a “date”.
Did you have trouble after your last breakup that might still be causing you to be more reserved and judgmental in one on one situations?

GloPro's avatar

Texting is not a good way to keep someone’s interest. It allows for being back-burnered. I would call him. If he answers, great! Chat him up an if he doesn’t initiate, ask if he’s still up for whatever you text about as a follow up date. Get back on track or he’ll make his loss of interest clear. If he doesn’t answer, leave a friendly hello and a request for a call back. If he ignores that, after not responding to your last text, move on.

Unbroken's avatar

What vibe are you sending off. I often have been told I send off a not available signal.

It sounded weird to me but turns out there is such a signal.

Oh and don’t judge people prematurely as to their mating potential. It’s ok to have high standards. But you won’t know who falls into the right category without a few dates… It’s fun just to unwind with new people.

ibstubro's avatar

From your post? If I answer honestly?

You think/talk/over-analyze too much. Most boys your age can’t deal with the sensory overload. Most want company, but if the company is female, sex is an option.

Why do you need a boyfriend?

I redefine your question, @jlk2525.

“Is it time for me to have a boyfriend?”

jlk2525's avatar

I’m thinking of maybe sending a text tomorrow morning saying something along the lines of “Hey, seems like you’ve got various things going on at the moment as do I. Would still be happy to catch up when schedules calm down (You know I still owe you that hug ;)! ). If not, good luck with everything.” That way I do what some of you have suggested whilst at the same time keeping my dignity. What do you think?

I would rather be with someone I don’t have to follow up. He did apologise last Sat for completely forgetting about my interview and from what I’ve gathered he can be forgetful and a bit flakey with other aspects in life. I still think though, if you want something you make time and effort.

Believe me, I would much rather have other options right now and that’s why I’ve asked you all these questions. I’m not something to string multiple people along that’s just not who I am but if I have more than one option it would help me get less invested in the one person that is very true. One night my friends and I went out and they did say I have a ‘get away from me’ face so the next night we went out I made a conscious effort to smile, look more approachable. Did it help? Not at all. @ibstubro I did say in my post I don’t need a boyfriend, I want one. I’ve got almost everything that fulfills me in life except that. Yes I agree with you though I do over analyse way too much! :) When it comes down to it this approach gets me far in success at work etc but obviously not in relationships.

jlk2525's avatar

P.s: I definitely knows he had other options but also know he’s been genuinely busy with work seeing as it’s the busiest time of year for his profession.

GloPro's avatar

Texting. Ugh. Cop out

jlk2525's avatar

@GloPro I’m listening to your advice, just don’t feel comfortable calling given the fact we’ve only ever communicated via text apart from our date. I feel as if calling may seem too forward.

GloPro's avatar

That’s how we did it in my generation, and we all managed to procreate. Texting removes emotion and responsibility for feelings of self and others. Just an opinion.

jlk2525's avatar

@GloPro you’re absolutely right about that..removes emotion and responsibility!

MollyMcGuire's avatar

You are trying too hard. Boyfriends come along when you aren’t looking for one…..........kind of like art and furniture. I never find a piece I want when I’m looking.

sweet_star's avatar

Go on a date with someone elso, if you want a boyfriend try going out with the guys that do ask you out and just have fun meeting people. This guy you dated is probably moving on, or maybe you are too available for him. So, trust me, go on a date with someone else and if this guy really wants you he will try harder to get you. And I agree with @GloPro you should talk on the phone. However, I dont think you should call him, I am not even sure if you should text him.

I think its probably best if you just move on, because men usually never give “closure” and they tend to just disappear when they don’t want to explain a why there will be no second date.

So, just be nice and smile, because smiles atract men! or so I have been told.

jlk2525's avatar

Thanks @sweet_star, the issue is I don’t get approached by guys very often so its not possible to ‘just date someone else’ and the likelihood I actually like them back or am interested is very small even if I am approached. I do completely understand where you are coming from though! I wish I had other options to make it less risky to invest more than suitable in a person.

A few days after I posted this question, I listened the advice on here and I texted him (didn’t call sorry!) a short message pretty much being take it or leave it, if not best of luck with everything. Shortly after I received a huge reply apologising, been really busy, asking questions etc still interested. Since then have been in contact on and off and he has made effort to be in touch sooner, asked when I’m on holidays but still no second date mentioned.

My last message was closed ended the other night on purpose as I figured he will make the effort to make conversation if he wants and he did a couple of days later. I didn’t respond to him last night, I’ll get back to him tomorrow like he does to me. We are in exam period now so doubt anything will happen at least at this point but I’m OK with it as I have to focus on my studies. If when things calm down he wants to see me again I’m open to it but I’m not going to chase it. That’s for him to do!

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