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GloPro's avatar

Have you ever been stalked?

Asked by GloPro (8199 points ) 1 month ago from iPhone

I thought I was rid of mine. I haven’t seen him since New Year’s. Yet last night, there he was again. He saw me, came up and tapped my shoulder. When I turned around he just turned and walked off. Then he watched me from a distance of about 20 feet away for the rest of the night. I would go to a different club/bar, and he would follow. He didn’t attempt contact other than to tap my shoulder and make it known he was there. It got to restraining order scary about 6 months ago. I’m afraid it’s going to start again. To have someone text you sweet dreams the minute you turn your lights off, good morning within minutes of turning them on is scary. To listen to the cops tell you they can’t do much for you until he physically hurts you is scary. To be told he has a violent record and no known address, no way to find him, is scary. You just wait and watch to see if he shows up again. Outside of your house. At restaurants. When you are on dates. When you are out with your friends.

What do stalkers think? What purpose do they have? Why do they become fixated on someone?

It’s hard for me to understand what might be going on in their heads.

Have you ever been stalked? How did it end?

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28 Answers

rojo's avatar

@GloPro I have never been the stalker or the stalkee so my only input is to wish you the best and hope that you stay safe.

syz's avatar

Yes. First it was annoying, and then it became frightening. But it ended well.

gailcalled's avatar

Yes, for a while in college. He used to hang around outside my classrooms and in the practice area of the music department where I spent time in a very small room with a piano.The campus police took a strong stand and eventually forbad him entry to the campus; later, unbeknownst to me, my father hired a private detective to find this man (I was 18 (he was 35) and scare the shit out of him.

I did not discover my father’s actions until decades late when my mother finally told me.

Khajuria9's avatar

Sure, a number of times.

El_Cadejo's avatar

For a bit when I was in Belize. The person we were living with started stealing from us and turned out to be a crackhead. We contacted the owners of the house about this and he ended up getting kicked out. He wasn’t exactly happy about how things turned out so he would follow my fiance and I around. Occasionally he would approach us and make threats of violence. Wasn’t all that fun. In the end we went to the cops about it, they picked him up and told him to leave us alone. In response to this he found us again and told us “go to the police station and drop charges or something really bad will happen to both of you” , so we went back to the police station, with him not too far behind and told the cops exactly what just happened and he was arrested. End of that issue lol.

ucme's avatar

Never bean stalked, my friend Jack has though.

GloPro's avatar

@Khajuria9 A number of times? How does that happen?

@El_Cadejo I’m glad he was a moron and it turned out well.

@gailcalled A tip of the hat to your father this Father’s Day.

gailcalled's avatar

Yes, but how much nicer it would have been had he discussed this with me at the time (or at least told me after the fact and not over 50 years later, via my mother.)

longgone's avatar

No, thank God. I feel for you, must be horrible. Do you have a gang of brothers or guy friends who could scare him away?

@gailcalled Do you have any idea why he didn’t tell you?

Khajuria9's avatar

Yes, some guys just keep following sometimes when I am moving alone. I don’t know how and why.
Once, I was going with my cousin and they kept staring, then followed us till long. Then left.
Sometimes, it gets real scary.

Seek's avatar

Mildly, once.

There was an adult volunteer at the school library. He was a few French Fries short of a Happy Meal, but he seemed nice enough. I spent most of my free time at school in the library, and I didn’t mind talking to him.

He started bringing me presents – a burned CD with songs from different animes I liked, a pair of leather bracers. When it started getting weird I stopped going to the library and spent my free time in the art room instead.

I thought that was it, but about 6 months after graduation I spent a month on the beach in Daytona. I got a letter from him while I was there. I didn’t even know I would be there the last time I remember talking to the guy, much less the address of the place where I was staying.

I never did hear from him after that, though.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Never! This gets me so mad. I need to control myself. How can he get away with touching you on the shoulder? Is he making you afraid? Isn’t that some form of assault? Isn’t that a crime in your area?
Can you set up a camera to catch the nut job in the act? Can you enlist the aid of 2 friends to go with you when you go out so you can have one follow him when he leaves and the other to cover you in case something gets messy. Appear to be alone and never make eye contact with your friends. Use GMRS/FRS radios that vibrate for silent communication alerts. Set to voice scramble, sub-audible tone squelch and pick a frequency away from mid band. They cost about $30 a piece and it could be the best investment you can make.
I presume you know his name. Can you take a picture of him when he touches you? A flash to the face would date and time stamp the encounter. If in public,. Yell loudly!: “Get away from me, pervert. Don’t touch me. Someone call 911!.”
If you wear heals, stomp on his foot.
I am so glad I don’t know you and you live far away. He would be needing a new car. (and quite possibly dental work.)

GloPro's avatar

I called the sheriff that has my case and reported it to him. I’m hoping that because he violated the restraining order by approaching me and touching me something will come of it. If they can locate him.

I have been advised not to threaten him or have anyone else threaten him. Basically all I can do is continue to report any contact or witnessed stalking or following. It’s a pretty helpless feeling because until he attempts to harm me it’s all just “on record.”

Hopefully he just saw me out and had a lapse. As mentioned I have not seen him in 6 months. He does text me every holiday, but without an address no one can enforce the restraining order.

I just don’t understand what stalkers think. I’m really not fascinating enough to waste any time following. It scares me because it makes no logical sense. He hasn’t threatened me, but he would text me 100 times in a row, very explicit sexual things. He always says he isn’t threatening me and he would never hurt me. Then follows me from a distance. Apparently that isn’t illegal.

GloPro's avatar

If anyone is wondering, it isn’t possible to block a number from texting you.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Can you enlist the aid of some of your coworkers? Let them know ahead of time you’d like them to pretend to be strangers. You will have no contact with them. When he shows up you can have them follow him from a distance. Play detective. Give them the tools and you will be surprised what your friends will do for you.
Guys have different way of thinking. When we hear a problem we want to help solve it. If you told your coworkers the situation I am willing to bet you could get half a dozen to readily volunteer to do a little counter-surveillance for you: get a license plate number, a description and location of a car, see where he walks, etc.
Are you saving all the texts? Tell the police. They can tell the tower location of the source. If the nut job ever uses his home wifi the IP address will be embedded. They can find him they just don’t want to be bothered. Make noise. Ask for a supervisor. Ask for that person’s supervisor. Forward EVERY, SINGLE, TEXT to all three officers.
Think about it. How many milliseconds would it take for you to be arrested if you sent a threatening text to POTUS? I’m guessing you’d be done in 5 minutes.

Let your friends help you. They would be happy to do it.
You are not alone.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Hey @GloPro ,
Did NJ (nut job) ever have access to your computer? If yes, he could have installed a keylogger that is sending him your internet traffic or he might already know your passwords. With a keylogger reporting to him he can easily know where you will be. Don’t use the computer for the sting. Keep computer usage normal while setting things up via face-to-face meetings and maybe your phone.
Keep NJ guessing.

Trade uselsss false info with a friend and see if it comes back. Play with it. Talk about your upcoming pregnancy. When are you due? ;-)

GloPro's avatar

holy cow. I don’t want to jinx myself. Maybe I’ll talk about my attack puppy and how great my aim is getting at the gun range.

LuckyGuy's avatar

You have the power to drive him nuts.
If there are multiple potential leaks you can change the info slightly in a binary fashion to figure out the source of the leak. Play with BF’s name, the due date month, sex and you have at least 8 possible combinations: e.g. Jim, James, early Jan, late Dec. boy, not sure, Do you get the idea?
You must write down which combination you sent through which source. That might be beyond the scope of your interest. You can do this with coworkers too if you think one of them is feeding info.
Be sure to consistently refer to him as NJ or DW (dickless wonder). It is sure to drive him nuts.
With a little prep work you will actually be looking forward to DW’s visit.

Yep. You have the power!

AshLeigh's avatar

Yes. At first it was just really annoying. Getting eight calls a day, and receiving multiple texts per hour. Getting yelled at for not replying or answering the phone. Constantly being commanded to answer highly personal questions, which I always refused.
He followed me to my boyfriends house when I was 17, and accused me of “cheating on him.” I was with my boyfriend. I will never understand why he thought I belonged to him.
When I was 16, he showed up at my school. I remember being told that the police couldn’t do anything. That was the worst part. I will never forget what it was like to feel that helpless.
He attempted to physically harm me once, but I got away.
One day he told me that if I went to see my boyfriend that day that he would never speak to me again. I didn’t want to speak to him, so I went. True to his word, I haven’t heard from him in over a year.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@AshLeigh You are not helpless. You have the power too.
If you are ever bothered again tell everyone you know that NJ is stalking you. Tell your friends, tell your teachers; tell your parents; tell the police. And the next time NJ stalks you you, tell him EVERYBODY knows and if anything out of the ordinary happens to you or anything you own, they will be coming after him so fast his head will spin. He’d better hope you stay happy and healthy.

One post from you on FB that includes a threatening text from him and he will never find a woman willing to date him!
THAT is power! Be sure to use it responsibly!

By “responsibly” I mean:
Don’t cry, “Wolf”! (Only use it when you really need it.)
Don’t lead him or anyone else on. (Never mislead or imply something while meaning something else.)
Be scrupulously precise with the truth. ( Keep all evidence in a safe place.)

talljasperman's avatar

I’ve been stalked by someone who said I was stalking them. University is rough. The residence life co-ordinator wanted the both of us kicked off campus. She left and I licked my wounds and failed out of university, all messed up with no where to go… So I moved back to Jasper and got a night shift job at a convenience store, and got harassed every night, then I went on disability and kept to myself for the next 10 years.

gailcalled's avatar

@longgone: (Another topic for another thread…why some fathers treat their sons differently from their daughters)

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I had a woman stalk me when I was in my 20’s. She would call at all hours and just start talking very sexually to me. I had more balls than brains at that age so I didn’t try to stop her at first, but it got worse, so I had a trace put on my phone. It stopped there.

Khajuria9's avatar

Adiron…..!! Great, almost made me laugh.
So, were you afraid?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Khajuria9 That’s one of my problems. I have no fear. It bites me in the ass at times.:)

Khajuria9's avatar

So dreadful!

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Khajuria9 On the plus side she had a really sexy voice and quite the imagination. It just got tiring after it went on and on.

Paradox25's avatar

Yes, usually women from work, but one from a school I had briefly attended too. I remember one incident in particular where I was leaving my house, walking through my backyard to get to my carport getting ready for my night shift, only to find my truck blocked in by the car of a girl I deliberately gave a wrong number to at my previous employer. I had assumed (wrongly) that I would never see her again, and that she’d be able to find my out-of-the-way house location.

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