Social Question

dina_didi's avatar

Why is he so confused? Should I do something about his problems?

Asked by dina_didi (1056 points ) 2 months ago

One of my friends is a man who is really confused about his feelings. We are hanging out for a long time and he shows me that he is interested in having a relationship with me. He is nice and protective so I fell for him. Some months ago, a mutual friend of ours moved to another town and it devastated him because she was a really good friend of him and helped him in the past. When he found out she was moving he told me that he did not know if he had feelings for her. Later he told me that he was just confused and he did not had feelings for her. After some time he is making moves again but he keeps talking about her even though he lost contact with her and his mood is easy to change. I want to have a relationship with him but I want to know if I am the only one he has feelings for. What can I do?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

57 Answers

Seek's avatar

You could ask him if you’re the only one he has feelings for.

He might, just, decide you’re being a bit possessive and presumptuous this early in your relationship, but at least you’d have an answer.

dina_didi's avatar

You are right but when we talk about her he seems to be sad. He has told me that he needed his life to be the way it was. He is feeling he is losing many friends from the past but I feel he was too upset about her. He told me he has no feelings for her but when she told she was moving he was trying to be with her all the time and I think he tried to approach her the last days she was in town.

Seek's avatar

He misses her. That’s totally normal. So, give him time to get used to it. The last thing you want to be is a rebound.

jca's avatar

If he was smart and he liked you, he would not be spending time talking about another woman.

syz's avatar

It sounds like you’re his second choice. I’d keep it in the “friend” zone.

dina_didi's avatar

That is my main concern. He was really nice with me for almost a year and when things got serious this happened. I don’t know. I don’t want to be someone’s rebound or a second choice. And the funny thing is that he had asked her help to approach me at the begining. I can’t understand what is going on…

MollyMcGuire's avatar

Grow about six more years then give it a try.

dina_didi's avatar

What do you mean? I am not a child. I am just confused.

jca's avatar

When you say “we are hanging out for a long time and he is making moves” that is vague. Did you have sex with him? I hope you are not just a booty call.

dina_didi's avatar

We did not have sex or even kissed but we were flirting with each other and we went out some times. He showed me he liked me and he was making plans but now he confused me.

Seek's avatar

I’m confused. You’ve hung out from time to time, at the same time he was hanging out with other women as well, and you’ve not kissed or anything…

Are you sure he’s not gay? Because that’s totally happened to me. First great love of my life – the church boy. Flaming like a house on fire.

jca's avatar

If I were in your position I might feel like on one hand it’s nice to know how he feels about the other woman and if he sees her, but on the other hand I don’t want to hear about this constantly. I know the two things conflict but feelings are not always logical.

dina_didi's avatar

I wanted to take things slow with him because I wanted to get to know his character. He had a girlfriend a year before I met him but they broke up. He is not seeing any other woman. I don’t think he is gay because he has not shown anything about other men and he likes to flirt with me, hug me and he wants to have my attention. jca, I agree with you. It makes me sad when I think about her but I need to know if he has feelings only for me or I should friendzone him.

jca's avatar

@dina_didi: With all the fish in the sea, why deal with one who seems emotionally attached to someone else?

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

I’m guessing – only from the screen name you’ve chosen and the wording of your question and some responses – that you are Asian (perhaps Indian?) and that your culture is somewhat more conservative in these matters than American culture. (That would explain why your relationship has not progressed as quickly as many American ones do, and why that is completely normal to you.)

Asking “why a young man is confused about his feelings” crosses all cultures, though.

Speaking as a formerly young man myself, all I can say is that we are often hopeless at that age (whatever age that might be), and until he can make a strong commitment, back it up with actions that leave you in no doubt about his intentions, and maintain that commitment, that you simply treat him – at arm’s length! – as no more than a “potential suitor”, and maintain your own options.

No, he can’t be helped, unfortunately.

zenvelo's avatar

He’s confused because he really doesn’t understand his feelings. That’s not at all uncommon, especially for men/boys/guys.

It’s not that he has discovered, now that she is gone, that he is in love with her, it’s that he is realizing she is no longer a possibility in his life. He is mourning the loss of possibility, nothing else.

There is a lot of talk these days about mindfulness and being present; this situation is why. He is not present, he is enmeshed in a fantasy.

It is very possible for the two of you to become a couple, but I would be wary until he has done a bit of work on his own emotional state. And that is not a quick fix, but something that might take a year or two,if he is willing to take a look at it.

dina_didi's avatar

@jca there are many fish in the sea. The problem is that I fell in love with that fish. You are probably right. I should do what is best for me. @CWOTUS and @zenvelo I think you are right. I must give him time and see what happens then. I want from him to be responsible and give me what I deserve. I also need honesty. If not I must move on and find something that will make me feel good. Thank you all for your answers. I think I need to give it some serious thought.

Coloma's avatar

I agree with @zenvelo and @Seek
It is very common for people, men and women, that have not done any personal growth work to fall into rebound situations to soothe their confusion and emotional issues during or after a person/possibility is lost.
This guy needs a lot of space to figure out his own stuff, nothing you can do for him and he may never do the emotional work needed to rectify his feelings.
I have had a staunch rule for years about never, ever, dating anyone that is newly out of a relationship or confused about their feelings/intentions.

As @zenvelo said, it can easily take several years for people to recover from relationship loss. I suggest you move on and not cling to any false hope at this time.

DipanshiK's avatar

Give time to him to understand his feelings that’s the only way you can help him. I’ve always learnt that time is the best healer.
When he figures out what’s best for him everything will set out clear and you’ll never know what might happen!

Dutchess_III's avatar

It sounds like insecurity to me. He’s looking for some sort of reaction on your part when he talks about the other girl. Me…I’d walk away.

dina_didi's avatar

Insecurity? Interesting. I remember that in most cases he is observing my reactions. Even when we do not talk about her he carries his keychain (a gift from her) and then he watches me like he is waiting from me to react. In the past he tried to make me jealous with another girl but it turned out she was “helping” him to find out if I was jealous. But why? Jealousy does not help in relationships.

Dutchess_III's avatar

That’s your answer I’m sorry to say. He’s being manipulative and controlling. This is not good.

Why did he want to find out if you were jealous? Because he’s insecure. If you act jealous he views it as proof that you like him. Apparently just telling him you do, and showing him in other ways, isn’t enough. Insecurity, plain and simple.

jca's avatar

@Dutchess_III and @dina_didi: Or he is an idiot that just likes to brag about other women. That wasn’t my first impression but it’s possible.

dina_didi's avatar

@Dutchess_III I am not sure yet about it. At some point what you are saying makes sence but it would be a little absurd to pretend he is so sad all this time at so many people. @jca he has not given me the impression that he likes to brag. He is not trying to be the center of attention. At least I hope he is not doing it.

Dutchess_III's avatar

It is possible @jca. But even that is a sign of insecurity.

He’s “sad” all the time? Man, I just sense a lot of game playing going on.

Oh..and I just re-read your question. The last half read “Should I do something about his problems?” I have to ask why you feel that you should, much less even can do something about them?

Coloma's avatar

Seriously, just drop the guy! He is playing petty, manipulative mind games with you. Sounds like he just wants attention and enjoys keeping you on a string. FORGET about what HE needs/wants/is thinking…ask yourself what do YOU want?
Do you want to moulder away on some dusty relationship shelf living on hope ( which is not empowering ) or take ACTION to remove yourself from someone and free up the possibility of finding a better companion?

No offense, but women can be so STUPID!
All the signs are there that he is playing games with you.
If you want to be some Teddy Bear comfort object for this big baby, well….don’t complain when he rips your stuffing out. haha

dina_didi's avatar

When I see someone I care sad I try to make him feel better. In this case at first I talked with him about it but now I do not feel I want to. It does not help and it also makes me feel bad. I believe he is melodramatic if his sorrow is real and if it is not and he is just trying to mess with my feelings I will be really upset.

dina_didi's avatar

Your answers made me think about things I had not given any attention to. It is clear I should move on or at least that if he wants to have a relationship with me he has to grow up. I believe I deserve better than a guy who does not know what he wants or someone who is playing mind-games!

Dutchess_III's avatar

I second Good Girl!

Hey…something else to ponder…if you feel like you can fix somebody elses problems, or that it’s your job to fix them, that makes you a magnet for manipulators and people who like to blame their actions and problems on other people. So just be careful.

I’d like you to stay here on Fluther and be part of the collective. Oh…and Welcome to Fluther!

dina_didi's avatar

@Dutchess_III thank you very much! At first I was not sure if talking about it would help me find real solutions to my problem but it turned out to have helped a lot! I am happy to be a part of the collective and glad I found new people to talk to and share my thoughts!

Dutchess_III's avatar

We’re pretty good at it sometimes…

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Here is another possibility. He may not be able to differentiate between friendship and a love interest. There are many male friends that I love, and when they are not in the picture, I miss their company. In the past, I’ve even entertained the idea that they might be The Special Someone, and a few have confessed that they did the same.

What we found is that you can love someone but not be in love with them. Sometimes, it takes awhile to come to this conclusion.

dina_didi's avatar

There is a possibility he loved her but he was not in love with her. But what hurt my feelings is that he was flirting with me at that moment. When you have something going on with someone I think it is not right to feel something about someone else even if you are just confused about your feelings. He can feel love but not be in love with more than one perso n.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Nothing but wait or move on if you can’t.

Dutchess_III's avatar

This sounds like a lot of the kind of dilemmas I had as a teenager. Trying to figure out what this means and that means, and not really ready to handle all the conflicting emotions that come crashing down.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Aye, and there is the rub. Your definition of flirting may not be the same as his. Different boundaries are applied.

If I were in your shoes, this is what I would do. The next time he mentions this other girl, bring it to his attention. “Gee Bob, you talk about Mary a lot. At one time, you told me that you might have feelings for her. Maybe it is time to reconnect with her and see if this is the case.”

dina_didi's avatar

And what’s worse is that we are not teenagers… Anyway I am going to go for a walk and give myself a little time to think. Any further opinion is welcome and I will be happy to talk about it with you later but I think I have realised what to do. @Pied_Pfeffer you are right, I think a serious conversation is the way to understand what he feels and what to do.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I may be wrong, but I think @Pied_Pfeffer‘s suggestion is a way of calling his bluff, forcing him to make a decision. If you go that route, I’d be really interested to hear how it turns out.

Best of luck to you @dina_didi.

jca's avatar

“Dude, you talk about this chick constantly. Why aren’t you trying to get into her pants and not mine?”

Just kidding.

Dutchess_III's avatar

“I already tried. She said “no.” So I’m trying you.”

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@dina_didi It sounds to me as if he, whether he knows it or not, needs your guidance, or at least a heads up on how his words and actions are perceived, at least from your perspective. Pointing it out to him that it sounds like he may like her more than a friend, and that his emotions will always be stuck in this gear until he does something about it, is just being a good friend.

@Dutchess_III This isn’t about calling his bluff. We have no clue, nor does the OP, that this is a game he is playing. It’s speculation. The OP shouldn’t be forcing him to make a decision.

Pressure is not the path to take when it comes to a person’s feelings. They need to work it out on their own time. What doesn’t hurt is to let them know what it looks like from an outsider’s perspective, especially from one who is considered a friend.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@Pied_Pfeffer But that’s exactly what your tactic would be doing…calling his bluff or forcing him to make a decision. I mean, how do you see it turning out if she said that?

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

The point of broaching the subject with him is to make him aware that he is constantly bringing up her name in what sounds like a mournful way. If he is that hung up on her, why not encourage him to get back in touch? The only way he is going to resolve this inner turmoil is to stay in touch with her. It will go one of three ways: 1.) Move to the next level; 2.) Rekindle what both assume is just a friendship; or 3.) One or both realize that the relationship was just one of those short-term circumstantial things. No matter what the outcome is, it is a step in the right direction.

At this point, the OP feels that this guy is still hung up on the other girl. Maybe it is true; maybe not. A good friend would bring it to his attention. It opens the door for discussion without putting herself into the immediate equation.

“I already tried. She said “no.” So I’m trying you.” is an assumption that the guy is after sex. Maybe I missed it…what bluff has he made? And I don’t know about you, but forcing a person to make a decision when it comes to love never seems like the right path to take. A person has to come to that conclusion on their own, including their own time.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I was just making an off the cuff response to @jca comment above mine.

Well, I hope we hear back!

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Thank you for the clarification. This is the internet, after all, and @jca made it clear that she was joking. I now understand the intent of your response to this. Hopefully, the OP will, too.

Do you understand that my recommendation is not about assuming that this guy is bluffing and it is not about forcing him to make some sort of decision? If not, I will gladly take another stab at it.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well, it just seems to me that that would be the result. I mean, even your explanation above ends in some sort of decision. But I agree, a decision needs to be made. But what if it’s not the one she wants? She needs to be ready for that. :(

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

We don’t know this guy. Who knows what his thought process is and how he might react. I can see why you may feel that this is about coming to a decision. In a way, you are right. He either needs to take action or continue to wallow in his mournfulness. It is his choice on which path to take. He may need to contemplate it for awhile.

What I have found is that it often takes a true friend to point out that there are two paths, and even if the wrong one is chosen, there will still be options further down the one chosen.

Dutchess_III's avatar

GA. But above all she needs to take care of herself and not get sucked in to someone elses depression. Which may, actually, be what’s going on with him.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I feel bad talking about this when she’s out taking a walk and not even in the house! WE’RE ON YOUR SIDE @dina_didi!

jca's avatar

I would just find it so tiring to hear about some other woman constantly. If I were the OP @dina_didi, I’d be like “enough already. I am sooo done!”

dina_didi's avatar

Last night I made my decision and each one of you have helped me with your own way. @Dutchess_III it is true that there is a chance that I get sucked into someone else’s depression and I would not like to add more concerns into my everyday life. @Pied_Pfeffer I am going to talk with him as soon as possible. I am not going to encourage him to get in touch with her again because she is only making him feel worse and there is no chance they will be in a relationship because she is in a long term relationship with someone else (plus she does not like him this way). She only likes to feel wanted by men. What I am going to ask him is if he is ready to move on because what @zenvelo mentioned is what is happening according to my opinion. He has lost the opportunity of doing something with her. The sad part is that he may feel addicted to her friendship because they spent too much time together when he had a difficult time in the past. The solution is obvious now. If he is not moving on I am going to tell him what @jca mentioned. “Enough! I am done. If you want to move on do it. If not lets just be friends.”

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@dina_didi Okay friend…it’s been a month since your last post. Will you let us know what has transpired since then? We want to know how you are doing.

dina_didi's avatar

I think I needed some free time to think. Now I see what I want clearly. I was a little bit confused too. Now I want to keep my friendship with him the way it was. I want him as a friend more than a boyfrien d. As friends we are having a good time when we hang out. No stress and overthinking. It is better this way!

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Thank you for the update. It sounds as if you have chosen the correct path to take.

dina_didi's avatar

You are welcome! I believe it too! Now I feel much better and calm.

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther