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ZEPHYRA's avatar

Was she stupid to have expectations at her age?

Asked by ZEPHYRA (15309 points ) July 6th, 2014

My closest friend who is about 42 had a stable job and her own home and was independent. She met a man who is about 55 and they created a long distance relationship which went well but of course could not last forever. The gentleman suggested she moved to his city where a simple, no guests registry/civil wedding could be held and they could get on with life.

She left her job, home relatives and went over and immediately started searching for a job wanting to retain some independence and not be a burden. Now the fiance says the wedding can wait since neither of them is young so there is no hurry! I realize we are not in the middle ages and that marriage is not a binding force, but I really think he has not kept his part of the deal. She willingly left everything behind at her age and is now doing everything possible to stand on her own feet. Is she wrong to be disappointed and disoriented? She also has to put up with frail in-laws plus his constant health issues which have her running round in circles! She does NOT complain since she knew what she was in for and went ahead. Question is, did she get a raw deal or should have been wiser at her age?

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25 Answers

GloPro's avatar

If she still got the man and the life she expected with him, and technically not the frail in-laws, then why does she stress about being legally married?

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Until she gets a job and is settled she doesn’t have medical insurance coverage, he could change his mind and throw her out anytime. Where does that leave her?

JLeslie's avatar

Marriage most certainly is binding.

If he is chickening out of the marriage she should be on alert. Since she already did the move she might give it a chance if he still seems very interested in her and if they get along well. 6 months to see if they wind up getting married or if the whole thing fizzles. I wouldn’t give it more than 6 months though.

Are all the players American?

Dan_Lyons's avatar

She was stupid to have expectations, but not because of her age. (42 is quite young). And apparently a magic number.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

I think it was a mistake on her part and she should have rather battled her lonliness another way which would not have set her up for dangerous midlife adventures!

ZEPHYRA's avatar

@JLeslie nope, not American! He is interested and they had long discussions before she moved but why is a logical, mature man chickening over some official signatues? Its not as if they will have a family at those ages, so what could he be afraid of?

JLeslie's avatar

It sounds like a culture where women are typically in a subserviant role. What country?

ZEPHYRA's avatar

No they are British born living in a Mediterranean country.

JLeslie's avatar

Interesting. This sort of thing certainly happens all the time and can happen to anyone. The only way to have prevented it would have been for them to marry before she quit her job and moved, but something tells me she is lucky they are not married. If it all falls apart she wont have the legalities to deal with.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

@JLeslie true, I agree, but she will also have to go back home and start from scratch andthat won’t be easy!

ragingloli's avatar

She needs to push him on that. Hard.

Darth_Algar's avatar

There’s not enough info in your post to make any kind of determination. There could be a thousand different reasons why he’s now decided to hold off on the marriage and they don’t necessarily have to be nefarious.

elbanditoroso's avatar

NOT stupid to have expectations.

YES STUPID to not have left herself a safety net.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

@Darth_Algar I would be curious to find out one of the reasons. I know that he has told her not to worry about getting a job immediately and not to do anything with her apartment back home(eg. rent it out). Nevertheless she is doing everything to be fully independent and is not taking advantage of his offer to lay off a job for a while. She is a low maintenance woman living a simple lifestyle. Makes me wonder who has the nefarious cards here!

hearkat's avatar

If he specified that they would get married, she is right to feel misled. From what little you’ve posted, which seems biased by your opinion of the situation, it almost seems like he deceived her into going there so he could have a nursemaid.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

@hearkat as much as I don’t want to believe that, it is starting to play on my mind too, although could he not have paid someone to do the nursing?

hearkat's avatar

“Why pay for milk, when you can get the cow for free?” She’s nursemaid to him and his parents, you’d probably have to pay 2 professionals to do that work.

Coloma's avatar

Personally I think she was foolish. To move out of state/area with a person you have had no real one on one time with for a long period of time is a risk I wouldn’t be willing to take. I have been divorced/single for 11 years now and after holding my own very well since my divorce I have been devastated by this economy the last few years, still, I have zero desire to try and find a relationship. I am very proud of myself knowing how many women in my position would be doing everything in their power to “secure” some sort of relationship.

I do not believe in long distance romances and making a move like that, almost always a recipe for disaster. I think your friend sunk her own boat and now has to eat and live with the old crow or find the resolve to fly the coop.

LuckyGuy's avatar

She needs to look in the mirror and ask herself if this is what she thinks she deserves. Does she want to end up taking care of frail parents and SO with many medical issues? Does she think she will be happy in this situation? When will she enjoy life?

It sounds like it is time to cut losses and be thankful no papers were signed.

Darth_Algar's avatar

@Coloma “I do not believe in long distance romances and making a move like that, almost always a recipe for disaster.”

Eh, they’ve been known to work out.

Coloma's avatar

@Darth_Algar Possibility vs. probability, it can happen, but it’s rare.

Darth_Algar's avatar

In that case it’s rare that most relationships work out in the long term.

Coloma's avatar

@Darth_Algar Yes, it is. haha
All I’m saying is when someone blindly jumps into a living arrangement with someone they have not taken the time to really get to know the odds are even better that the fantasy bubble is going to burst in a big way.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I feel sorry for her. Just goes to show, you can get swept up in infatuation at any age. I did…right at 42 years of age, also.

Darth_Algar's avatar

I think the biggest problem is that she decided to go job hunting after the move. It was foolish to not have a job lined up before relocating.

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