Social Question

Kardamom's avatar

If you are a religious person and your particular religion frowns upon sexual relations before marriage, did you have pre-marital sex anyway?

Asked by Kardamom (23856 points ) August 7th, 2014

I put this one in General, because I just want to know if any of you religious folks had pre-marital sex and what was your reasoning. If you did, do you still feel OK with that decision, or do you wish that you had not had pre-marital sex, and if so, why?

I’m not religious and I think that pre-marital sex is a prerequisite for marriage, but that’s just me.

Let’s try to keep this discussion polite.

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80 Answers

Dutchess_III's avatar

Yep, although I’m not religious any more.

Darth_Algar's avatar

Waiting until you’re married to have sex is foolish. If you don’t know what you’re getting before hand and it turns out that you and your spouse are not sexually compatible then your marriage is not going to be a happy one.

zenvelo's avatar

I am a Roman Catholic. The Church frowns on premarital sex, and if asked for guidance would tell you “no”; but it is really a matter of conscience. So yes, I had premarital sex, and I am religious (although I am not scrupulously observant).

kritiper's avatar

It wouldn’t have stopped me. Didn’t stop a whole bunch of other people/kids. It’s all my buddies and I talked about from 5th grade on.

Lightlyseared's avatar

Don’t all religions frown on pre marital sex (excluding cults that use sex as a recruitment tool).

JLeslie's avatar

@Darth_Algar That doesn’t answer the OP’s question.

@Lightlyseared the OP didn’t mention a particular religion.

@Kardamom I’m not religious, but the few people I know who waited until marriage are divorced and think it was idiotic to get married to have sex. They all married very young. This is not to be confused with friends of mine who married who were high school sweethearts and are still married after 20+ years.

chyna's avatar

I know three couples personally that waited until they were married and all are still married with families. All three couples were in their early 20’s and are at least in their mid 30’s by now. I don’t know if they think they were stupid to wait until they were married or not. All were due to religious beliefs.

Darth_Algar's avatar

@JLeslie “That doesn’t answer the OP’s question.”

Let the OP decide if it answers her question or not.

Kardamom's avatar

@Darth_Algar It doesn’t answer the Q, but I’m not flagging it, because I’m OK with hearing what you think. I believe that pre-marital sex is a necessary prerequisite to getting married.

I’ll only flag stuff if it gets ugly. So far, everyone is being polite.

JLeslie's avatar

@chyna I bet there is a big difference between young couples that get married young because they want to have sex, and young couples who are not as motivated by the sex, but are simply you and in love and possibly also their community tends to marry young. I wonder how many religious couples who want to wait until their married feel in a rush to marry because of the sex?

@Darth_Algar I go off topic all the time, I just thought maybe you hadn’t read the question well, something I myself have done mistakenly also.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Not only that, but I think couples should live together for at least a year before they get married.

SQUEEKY2's avatar

@Dutchess_III I totally agree with that as well.

KNOWITALL's avatar

We are & we did. Virginity is a gift for your spouse & it’s so cool for those who choose to obey God’s rules.

Darth_Algar's avatar

Well I figured my answer could be extrapolated from my response.
But no, I did not and would not wait until marriage. Then again I’ve never felt there was anything particularly precious about virginity. It’s just an antiquated concept invented by bronze age folks who wanted to marry new, not previously used, vaginas.

Kardamom's avatar

@Darth_Algar Ha ha ha! That’s a funny phrase, new, not previously used vaginas.

Dutchess_III's avatar

It’s a man thing, so he can be certain any kid was his, I guess. Why wasn’t isn’t the same priority put on a man’s virginity?

chyna's avatar

It is @Dutchess_III The 3 couples I know that did this, I started out knowing the guys. In their case it is a religious thing. One of them had dated a girl from when they were 15 years old until they were 22. They had a plan to finish college and get a job, then marry.

rojo's avatar

@Dutchess_III I think it has to do with the fact that you can look at my pecker all you want and still not be able to determine if it has been put into inappropriate places but if you hymen is ruptured, and you don’t ride bicycles or horses, then the only answer is that you have been a bad girl.

Kardamom's avatar

@rojo. I don’t think that is exactly true. I ruptured my own hymen with a tampon. I think most modern girls since the 70’s have done that. I didn’t have sexual relations until a few years later.

rojo's avatar

@Kardamom but the standard still remains. A woman can be shown to be a virgin whereas a man cannot be so defined. Were you able to rupture a penis Shudder! by engaging in sex then there might (and I stress might, it is a mans world afterall) be able to put the same priority on male virginity.

JLeslie's avatar

@rojo I feel another Q coming on. Do religious people in America, or anyone who values virginity before marriage, still actually worry about a hymen being intact?

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Jlesli Children as young as 8 are having sex in our oversexed society. It’s not just theists who are concerned.

chinchin31's avatar

Yes I did. I was at a time in my life where I didn’t have faith in marriage anymore because of my parents divorce. So I had made up my mind that I am never going to get married. I had a boyfriend at the time and we ended up having sex. I am still religious now though and I respect people that wait till marriage but I just didn’t because of my life circumstances at the time. I would try to teach my children to wait but you just never know. It is difficult , especially if you do not surround yourself constantly with people that have those values . It is very easy to slip into following the mainstream. I think nowadays you have to be a very strong person to avoid pre-marital sex. But because of my religious upbringing I think it is better to avoid pre-marital sex. You have less things to worry about in life like pregnancy , stds etc.

gailcalled's avatar

@KNOWITALL: it’s so cool for those who choose to obey God’s rules. Where in bibical scripture are these rules of your god laid out?”

Darth_Algar's avatar

@KNOWITALL “Children as young as 8 are having sex in our oversexed society.”

Not of their own volition they’re not.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@DARTH huh? Yes oversexualized society is driving the age lower. Google it.

Darth_Algar's avatar

@KNOWITALL

Or you could provide a source for you claim, rather than demanding others do your homework for you. And no, an 8 year-old cannot knowingly, willingly consent to sex. If an 8 year-old is “agreeing” to sex I’ll guarantee you it’s not without coercion.

Dutchess_III's avatar

8 year olds are not having sex. If they were, who would they be having sex with?

KNOWITALL's avatar

@dUtchess Other kids. This is not new information people, don’t you watch Dr Phil!

Dutchess_III's avatar

No I don’t watch Dr. Phill. And, like the others, I wish you would provide a link from a reputable site to bolster your claim. 8 year olds don’t even have the hormones to have the sex drive.

KNOWITALL's avatar

The point is the preservation of innocence & childhood. Chastity clubs, rings, etc…are not always religion-based.

Dutchess_III's avatar

You’ve lost me, @KNOWITALL. What do chastity clubs and rings have to do with 8 year olds having sex?

KNOWITALL's avatar

@DUTCHESS MEDHELP.com/child behavior Chastity clubs are the new thing for overstimulated kids.

Darth_Algar's avatar

Dr. Phil? You seriously think that fraud and anything he presents is credible?

JLeslie's avatar

@KNOWITALL My question included theists. I said anyone who values virginity before marriage. I am asking if people care about the hymen. I broke my hymen when I was around 8 or 9, I didn’t lose my virginity until years later. Are people obsessing about a hymen being intact, blood being present, all those sort of notions.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Jleslie Here it still has high value to theists & even bikers, yes. My uncle & his wife were mid 20’s & both virgins.

Dutchess_III's avatar

WHAT still has value @KNOWITALL? Virginity or hymens? And what do bikers have to do with anything?

Dutchess_III's avatar

Also, I plugged ” MEDHELP.com/child behavior” into my address bar. Result was “404 Not found” and a blank screen.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@utchess Can’t copy link via phone. You & Darth aren’t theists, why are you busting my balls on every post. Chillax.

Darth_Algar's avatar

@KNOWITALL

You’re posting on a public forum. If you don’t want people to respond then don’t post.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Just trying to figure out what you’re trying to say. You don’t have to be a theist to be appalled at the idea of 8 year olds having sex. Not being a theist also doesn’t automatically mean one is sexually promiscuous.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@utchess Virginity is popular again because sexuality in culture & media is affecting kids & young adults more now.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Hormones affect kids even more, and society can’t affect when those hormones start getting released in any given individual. That’s why it’s highly unlikely that there are any 8 year olds out there looking for sex. They don’t have the physical drive to want it.

JLeslie's avatar

@KNOWITALL We still don’t know if hymens are valued by your answers. You do realize you can break your hymen without having sex don’t you? A girl can do it using a tampon, masterbating, an accident, all sorts of ways.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Don’t know how I broke mine, but it was done broke before I had sex the first time There was no blood, and the guy kinda commented on it. I used to ride a horse, and I’ve heard riding horses can do that, but I can’t figure out how.

JLeslie's avatar

I’m pretty sure I broke mine during a curiousity exploration when I was little. I remember hurting myself, and being surprised by the pain. I don’t remember bleeding. All I know is from the day I started wearing tampons I had no trouble with that, and when I started masturbating and having sex I never had any pain or blood. I remember the first guy I went to third base with made a comment basically saying I was already experienced, and I absolutely was not. All the hymen and anti-masterbation stuff really pisses me off. No girls should be analyzed according to whether her hymen is intact or not. If it isn’t there it doesn’t mean anything one way or the other.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@JLeslie It’s pretty highly valued here. Some won’t even use tampons, I didn’t. Remember I’m in the bible belt?

JLeslie's avatar

@KNOWITALL That is pretty disturbing to me. It doesn’t disturb me that people value waiting for marriage to have sex, it really bothers me that girls can’t wear tampons or might worry if they broke their own hymen. Worsen that boys will judge them for not having an intact hymen or make assumtpions about them. Regardless of religion that is such a lack of medical knowledge it drives me crazy. I am not accusing you of lacking the knowledge, I appreciate that you are answerng for what your community is like.

What do girls do if they swim, take dance, do gymnastics, do they take a few days off? I can’t imagine not using tampons. I can’t imagine wearing a sanitary napkin in a leotard or bathing suit. I hope the gymnastics competition is not on the wrong day of the month.

Dutchess_III's avatar

There is entirely too much attention given to the female body and what we do with ourselves. As I said, the first guy I had sex with made a derogatory comment about the fact that I didn’t bleed. WTF???

SavoirFaire's avatar

[Mod Says] This question has been moved to Social with permission from the OP.

Response moderated (Off-Topic)
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KNOWITALL's avatar

@Jleslie Rural people are more conservative. I was a virgin til 18, just wasn’t comfortable, & still think it’s messy.

JLeslie's avatar

@KNOWITALL I’m not sure why you are telling me that information? Conservative has nothing to do with hymen breakage. It has to do with knowledge about the human female body.

Darth_Algar's avatar

Not sure what age you first have sex has to do with being conservative or not ether.

JLeslie's avatar

@Darth_Algar She basically means the area is very religious, because the religious right primarily identifies as politically conservative.

Darth_Algar's avatar

@JLeslie

Yes, I understand that.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@JLESLIE it has everything to do with it. Conservative isn’t just political, it’s lifestyle choices, mentality, etc…

JLeslie's avatar

Are we talking about politically conservative? I consider myself conservative about some things, but I use the word to mean careful and even sometimes a little protective and closed minded. Many people who identify as liberal politically have some conservative things about them. Sometimes I agree with the political conservatives on some issues, but that would be a different use of the word.

I really really don’t understand what or how being conservative has to do with understanding what a hymen is and how it can tear before sex. Unless you mean conservatives tend to be uneducated and lack science knowledge? Ugh, do they have to fit that stereotype? That would suck.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@jL You don’t get it. I’m not uneducated & virginity means something here. I’d explain but you’re being rather rude.

JLeslie's avatar

@KNOWITALL I am not trying to be rude. I apologize if I sounded that way. I do not think most conservatives are uneducated and lack science knowledge, even though many people want us to believe that. One of my closest friends since elementary school is a Christian, a Conservative, a Republican, and a biologist. I really don’t think we are communicating well. Are you saying virginity = unbroken hymen? I have no quarrel with valuing virginity, I have a problem with valuing a woman’s hymen.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@JLESLIE ah I see, sorry. It’s just a pride thing since the 80’s or so.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@KNOWITALL What we’re getting at here is that very often the hymen is broken long before the girl/woman has her first sexual encounter. That’s why JLeslie keeps asking if the hymen is valued, along with the virginity.
I assume mine was broken long before I had sex. There was no blood my first time. Would your culture look askance at that?

JLeslie's avatar

What is a pride thing since the 80’s? I’m so confused. What do you see? You see that we are asking if people are fixated on a woman’s hymen where you live? Are they or not? I still am not sure.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well, a movement started in the 80’s to encourage young people to wait for sex. It’s based on pride.

But I’m waiting on the hymen answer too.

rojo's avatar

I think it is some kind of Jewish religious thingy

gailcalled's avatar

@rojo: I think it is some sort of Jewish religious thingy..

Where did you dredge up that preposterous notion? Traditional orthodox Jusaism did espouse virginithy before marriage.

“Premarital sex is strongly disapproved of in Judaism, but there is no requirement for a female to be a virgin at her marriage, and a child born to an unmarried female is not regarded as illegitimate or subject to any social or religious disabilities.

Jewish law contains rules related to protecting female virgins and dealing with consensual and non-consensual pre-marital sex. Jewish law’s guidance on sex is that it should be valued as a wholesome part of life between two married partners.”

“There are references in the Torah to virginity.” Source for more details of Torah writings.

JLeslie's avatar

So, Jesus did not need that story about being the son of God, because in Judaism he was legitimate? I love this new piece of knowledge.

Kardamom's avatar

@gailcalled I think @rojo was making a little jokey, because Hyman (spelled like that) is a Jewish name and there is the common joke talking about Buster Hymen

Kardamom's avatar

^^ Yep.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Traditional religious folks espouse virginity & men expect blood. It makes them proud of their wife.

KNOWITALL's avatar

YEs traditional folks expect blood. You can expect to be beaten sometimes if you lie or there’s not blood. Really.

Dutchess_III's avatar

That’s pretty awful, since a good percentage of girls/woman don’t bleed their first time.
”....men expect blood. It makes them proud of their wife.” that’s just ghastly!

I have an idea! Have sex for the first time when you’re on your period! Think of how PROUD that man would be!

JLeslie's avatar

Ok, now the hymen question and religious people was finally clarified. Horrid, scary answer.

chyna's avatar

@KNOWITALL Maybe in the church you go to, but not in the churches in my area.

JLeslie's avatar

@chyna She is referring to her part of the Bible Belt.

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