General Question

Kardamom's avatar

If you and your potential spouse are religious folks, and your particular religion frowns upon pre-marital sex, but your potential spouse already did have sex with someone, would you still be willing to marry them?

Asked by Kardamom (23856 points ) August 7th, 2014

This is assuming that you, as a religious person, agree with your religion’s stance, that pre-marital sex should not be condoned, and therefore you, yourself have not had pre-marital sex.

Maybe your potential spouse just slipped up one time, or maybe he/she regularly had pre-marital sex with a previous boyfriend/girlfriend and have now decided that they should not have done that. Is this person still a good choice for you, since the two of you didn’t have sex with each other?

Would it depend upon whether the potential spouse was previously not religious, and has now come to find your religion as their own calling? It seems like in this case, it would be Ok, because the person has realized their error.

Would it be OK, if the potential spouse was always of your same religion, but chose to have pre-marital sex with someone anyway? Would it make a difference if that person felt guilty about it?

I’m not religious and consider pre-marital sex to be a prerequisite for marriage. I’m totally cool with other people deciding to wait until marriage, because it doesn’t affect my own relationships : )

I’m putting this in General, because I just want to hear the viewpoints and reasons behind the thoughts and decisions.

Try to keep this polite folks.

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13 Answers

SadieMartinPaul's avatar

I’m not religious. If I were, and if I held these beliefs, I’d except my partner to respect and abide by them. As far as my partner’s sexual history, I hope I could accept the past as just that – long ago and no more – and move forward with my relationship.

elbanditoroso's avatar

If the religious person is putting the tenets of the faith ahead of their love for the other person (by disapproving of the 2nd person’s previous actions) then that marriage is not on very solid ground from the beginning.

You accept your spouse as they are, not as they used to be, or what they might be in the future, or what you want them to be.

I would have a problem with the concept of religion overshadowing the relationship.

Now, if it was the second situation you described (person A had sex, thought it was a mistake), that’s a different story, because the person is making the decision based on experience, not on the external pressure of religion.

And yes, it’s a very blurry line.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Of course. I, for one, just can’t imagine being THAT religious that it would bother me that a grown ass adult has had sex before meeting me.

KNOWITALL's avatar

I’d move forward if the person recommitted to God & His rules. I’d pray a lot before marrying in that situation.

Espiritus_Corvus's avatar

I find this issue weird. I can’t imagine ever taking seriously a person who judges me through something so artificial as their religious criteria. No fucking way would I even respond to such idiocy. I sure as hell wouldn’t consider them as a spouse. I would, however, consider them mad. And I certainly wouldn’t impose my personal rules upon their History of all things, beyond murder or something awful like that. Jesus Christ on a bicycle!

Religion has never been an issue in any of my relationships. Most people I know and have known left it all behind with childhood. My awareness of their different religions were only as one of their many formative experiences, and usually not very important ones. Maybe it’s because I’ve been with relatively few Americans in comparison to the others. It seems to be a much bigger deal on this side of the pond. I think I would find it rather childish of them to impose their personal beliefs upon me, and vice verse. I’m an apathist. I really don’t give a shit about mythology other than the cultural and historical significance and all the interesting stories and characters. Other than that, these things have no effect on my daily life and, after following the passionate dramas on the subject here on Fluther over the past five years, I am really, really, really glad I turned out this way.

zenvelo's avatar

It all depends on other aspects of the religion. Some religions believe in repentance and forgiveness; for instance if a strict Roman Catholic had sex, then went to confession and made a clean examination of conscience, then he or she would be absolved and back in a state of grace. And no one else who believed in the precepts would be in a position to judge or condemn.

Some religions do not forgive anything, so if I were a believer of that religion, it would mean no marriage.

dappled_leaves's avatar

What @zenvelo said. It first depends on the religion, then whether the “guilty” party is in a position to repent and be forgiven. If a potential spouse can’t forgive what their deity would… well, they have bigger problems than one of them having a sexual history.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@Dappled Marriage is supposed to be holy & sacred, a duty that follows God’s plan for you. Sex/virginity is the icing.

chinchin31's avatar

The truth is you can never really tell if anyone was a virgin before you marry them. People do lie. Especially men. You can’t exactly inspect a guy’s virginity. Also there are some women who do not have a very large hymen and do not therfore bleed the first time they have sex. E.g My hymen was so large I could not wear tampons when I was a teenager but I knew virgin friends that could wear them.

I actually was raised religious and eventually I realised it doesn’t really matter. It is a risk we all take as it is entirely based on the person’s word of mouth. There are more important things in life to worry about and you realise that as you get older. There are people that remain virgins until marriage and then end up divorced anyways. There are people that are virgins when they marry and then end up cheating because their expectations about marriage were different to the reality.

I think you should be more concerned about the person’s overall personality and lifestyle and history.

Also yes sometimes religious people do make mistakes depending on their circumstances in life. e.g they become sexually active and then they regret it and go back to being religious.

I do think nowadays though STDs is something you should be concerned about as most people ARE sexually active before marriage and there are alot of STDs going around including HIV. I honestly think people should get tested before they think about getting married or even entering an intimate relationship.

Cupcake's avatar

Hubby and I had both been with other people. Due to our current religious and relationship views, we chose to wait until our marriage. Neither of us is bothered by what the other person did before we met.

snowberry's avatar

I’m a non-denominational Christian. It all depends on the spouse. I’d forgive them, but how were they about it? If they’ve confessed their sins to God, it’s none of my business, and I wouldn’t bring it up again.

My mother who was raised Mormon used to tell me that if I didn’t stay a virgin, nobody would want to marry me. In general people (religious and non-religious alike) don’t believe that anymore.

snowberry's avatar

As I recall many Muslims make a huge deal about virginity, at least on the part of the woman. She can even be killed for sex outside of marriage.

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