What would you do if you felt your partner had hidden a major part of his/her personality away from you?

I don’t know. I would wonder what else she was hiding. I have secrets too. It would be a perfect time to get to know each other.

It would depend entirely upon what was being hidden and why. For me there isn’t a blanket answer.

It would also depend upon whether I somehow stumbled upon the truth forcing a conversation about the truth of the matter or whether the other person fessed up and initiated the conversation because they no longer wanted to live in deception. To me, that aspect of it would be very important.

Just for example: If he were a cross-dresser, I wouldn’t feel as much about trust being violated because I’m aware of how much stigmatism there is about this in our current culture.

It’s no small wonder anyone would be secretive about something like cross-dressing since it carries with it such a fear of rejection.

But on the opposite end, if he was having an affair with someone else when we had agreed to be exlusively monogamous to each other, that’s a betrayal of trust on an entirely different level.

And if I discovered it, that would be the end of the relationship. There would realistically be no way to rebuild trust. No one forced you to say you would be monogamous. You could simply have said you weren’t quite ready for that yet.

Instead, you CHOSE deception when you didn’t have to. There is no recovery for that, in my mind.

Being secretive about cross-dressing is understandable because cross-dressing springs from such an innate need within that person. Many aren’t even fullly in touch with why nor fully understand it.

Having an affair is a purposeful deception and indicates a complete lack of respect for another person and no respect for truth. That’s far more pathological to a relationship.

People can make accompdations for cross dressing. There are many couples who are still happily married long after the partner has confessed about it because it’s not a character flaw.

Purposeful lying (even when it not really necessary) is a character flaw and not one I would want to continue to deal with in another person.

I realize that there are relationships which survive infidelity, but personally speaking it would be a deal breaker for me.

@Buttonstc What if the man wants to get married with him wearing the dress.

It would depend very much on the nature of the “secret”. There’s also the extent to which the secret itself degrades the partnership. I have a friend whose wife revealed 3 years into their marriage that she had a fortune of several million dollars held in trust. She had issues about the money, and was terrified that it would warp their relationship.

I hinted that I might be a billionare Swedish royalty who was disowned for a couple of days as a prank on the residental assistants in university. I lied often in university and I went too far and I still am suffering from some duzies. My dad kept grabbing my buttocks in public and I told my friends that he molested me and they thought rape,where it was sexual harassment.

What if the man want to be wearing the wedding dress?

That’s an interesting thought. So what would I be wearing :)

I would be fine with a private ceremonly with just us two if it were tremendously important to him to be wearing a wedding dress. That way we would have pictures of that as our own special private memory and what I wear wouldn’t really matter.

I’d be willing to compromise in that way as long as he’d be willing to have another more traditional ceremony.

But for the public ceremony to which family and friends are invited, I would opt for traditional clothing. This is mainly because the majority of our society just isn’t ready to deal with this issue in such a public way (and neither should they be forced to).

And for heterosexual men, it’s really more along the lines of a fetish (not quite but bordering there) so that’s part of a couples’ private sexuality and not really appropriate for a public celebration.

Now, if his cross-dressing was more along the lines of a transition as part of a transgender scenario, that’s a whole different kettle of fish and a lot more complex.

People do cross dress for different reasons.

I can’t top @Buttonstc answer, it was great.

It would make all the difference for me too, what the secret is about.
Kit? There are kits for that? Like a first aid kit, but with panties and lip gels?
I wonder if my ex had a kit. That I could live with. We would have to talk a lot, so I could know what I should leave unsaid, or undone, and what would help him be more comfortable.
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If he lost his job, and kept it a secret, I would have been very upset. Maybe even frantic, but we would have worked through it.
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Another woman? I think that would be something I would have to live through to say for sure. I think how I found out would make a difference. If I found out by learning I had an STD would probably be the end.
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If I found out he had children by another woman would be a big issue. I would not want to turn my back on them, but I would have some resentment toward him for it.
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Most things have to be handled together. Even break up.

@Here2_4 In British English, a kit can be an outfit of clothes.

Oh! Right! I am not a traveled person. Thank you.

I was going to say kick his ass, but yeh, I guess it would depend on the kind of secret.

As others have said, it would depend on the secret.

If he was a former binge eater but wasn’t now and hadn’t been for a long time. I would be interested in why he didn’t tell me and would probably be curious about what led to the binge eating or kleptomania, but as long as it was in the past, I wouldn’t be too bothered.

A long lost sister or relative, perhaps they fell out? I’d ask why but again, not be overly concerned.

Cross dressing, is it in the past or is he still doing it? I’m not sure how I’d feel about my husband being a cross-dresser. I look at someone like Eddie Izzard and I think he’s so funny and cool, it would be fine. So I don’t know on that one. If he wanted to wear my clothes, I’d be less than impressed.

A criminal past including a gaol term for violent crime… I’d want to know. A former wife who died in mysterious circumstances, again, I’d be worried if he hid such things.

I would wonder why he did not trust me to share his secret?
Obviously they are afraid to be judged…even though they judged the relationship wrong in the first place.

That is not necessarily true. We all have weaknesses which are difficult to share. Even if he/she had misjudged their partner’s loyalty, it is the very time the partner should prove there was no reason to be afraid, unless they want the relationship to evaporate.