What do you call the tactic or behavior when someone makes a vague accusation along with a statement like "and yes, you do know what I'm talking about" when you have no clue what they're referring to, and they won't tell you?

Could you have received the text accidentally? Maybe it was a misfire?
But I have no idea what that would be called.

It’s a way of saying, “I know you better than you think I do, so don’t try to pretend… [whatever].” But I can’t think of a word or phrase for that.

A lot depends on the very detailed and specific tactics being used. Sometimes it’s a fishing expedition; attempting to intimate that one has more knowledge than he does and hoping for a confession of the previously unknown details.

It can also be a form of bluffing. (Not much different from the fishing expedition, really, except that the stakes are often higher when the pretense to knowledge of an unknown fact or event can be proven false, meaning the whole strategy collapses.)

If it’s done in public or in front of disinterested witnesses it can be a form of smear campaign or innuendo. Since you cannot disprove a negative, any attempt that you make to clear your name only makes you appear more guilty in front of those who don’t know any better.

Or it could just mean that you have a Jewish or Catholic or Asian mother. Oh, you know what I mean…

I always say, and this comes up for me a lot, “I made a poor decision. I have let you down, I am embarrassed, and your behavior had nothing to do with it.”

Whether I am in a group or responding one on one, I seem to eek out the moral high ground when I say this, regardless of what the accusation is. The person accusing me always looks small.

I believe it’s called “assholian” behavior. Christ, if she has something to say to you, she should just come out and say it.

Blame placement. And that’s the trouble with being innocent: you don’t know what happened. Stick to your guns and keep telling the truth. Maybe you’ll find someone, someday, who will listen to what you have to say with an open mind.

Insinuation. It’s a dick move.

Passive aggression.

Needy, passive aggressive, and/or bad communicators. They expect you to read their minds or punish you with guilt and silence. Screw that.

Where’s Coloma? I’m sure she would have something to say about this.

What is PASSIVE AGGRESSION, Alex?

This is the tactic of a cowardly bully who delights in distressing the people around them, complete with plausible deniable. It actually makes them happy—how sick is that?

This is how you handle this asshole: You get face-to-face and grill the hell out of them. If the accusations are false, you make them explain themselves. You question everything they say. You do this in as normal a tone as possible, but the questions must come rapidly. You become the prosecutor from hell. Intimidate them. Move in just a little too close. Question their answers. Question those answers as well. This is meant to be a gruelling and emotionally torturous experience for them. You want to see them sweat, tremble, hopefully lose it. Don’t let up until they are thoroughly humiliated for what they are and are forced to “voluntarily” remove themselves from your presence. If their insinuations were made publicly—say, in front of co-workers—then your interrogation must be public as well, and if possible, immediately after their snide little performance. Don’t stand for this. They will choose easier prey next time. They feed on the meek and naive, who they think will not fight back.

edit: deniability.

Update us when this is resolved please.

This is a person who I have been friends with for almost 20 years. I consider her to be one of my best friends. What will be somewhat awkward is that my birthday is coming up in a few days and she will probably be calling me to say happy birthday. I feel like this will be hanging between us if she does. I am not sure whether to bring it up or not or just act like it never happened. I still have no clue what she was talking about.

Further advice is welcomed.

I will update as things unfold.

“This is a person who I have been friends with for almost 20 years.” – Sounds like @Espiritus_Corvus‘s solution should solve that.

Passive aggressive. Vague hints, insinuating you “know” something without clarifying what, EXACTLY, she is talking about, and now, giving you the punishing silent treatment. Fuck that! I’d tell her that if she has something to say to come out with it, and that you won’t play childish games and that she has 24 hours to communicate or, you will consider the relationship over.

I have zero tolerance for things like this, you must take this bull by the horns and let her know that if she values your friendship she needs to know you will not play into mind games.

I call em buttbastards.

Since you received the communication in a text, and if, as you say, your life and friends are generally drama-free, and you really don’t know what this is about, call her (voice, and talk to her, don’t just leave another message) to press her on two questions:
1. Was your text intended for me?
2. If it was, and if it was worded that way intentionally (no auto-correct errors or misspellings that could realign the entire message), then “WTH do you mean?”

It’s one thing that I really hate about text (and email too, but somewhat less so with that medium): it is so damned easy to send the wrong message to the wrong person and have errors in the message so it’s not even what you meant to say … to someone else. Or any combination of those errors.

The last thing that I would do is stew in wonder about what it means. If I didn’t find out, then I would close the connection. (You think you’re drama-free? I not only encourage drama-freedom, but I actively enforce it.)

If she’s your friend, and you have no idea what the situation is, perhaps she did send it to the wrong person.

Or perhaps the comment was to some degree ‘tongue in cheek’ and she assumes you’ll know what it is. Perhaps you made an off-the-cuff remark or did something and she misread your intent.

It could also be passive aggressive and if it’s sent in a serious way, that’s how I’d read it.

I’d phone her directly and ask her what it’s about. Don’t read too much into it until you know. You’re friends. Unless she’s not a very good friend or she’s very annoyed with you, why would she treat you that way?

@Earthbound_Misfit I keep going back to “it has to be a mistake” too. A 20 year relationship just doesn’t turn around like that.
Perhaps it will turn out to be something like “don’t you remember that movie we watched, I saw what you did, and how we joked about it 15 years ago?”

I agree @chyna. If it’s not a mistake, I’d be pretty cranky too. If someone’s got an issue with me, just tell me! I don’t have the patience for game-playing or passive-aggressive behaviour. I hope you’ll let us know what it was when you hear back from her @jca.

She called me before and invited me to dinner for my birthday. No mention of the text. I am debating whether or not to bring it up now.

You have to! We want to know what evil thing you did! You can’t leave us all hanging.

Perfect! During dinner you can say, Oh, what was this text about?

And then report back to us. :D

Because it’s all about us.~

Of course it is!~

You girls will find out – all of Fluther will find out! As soon as I know. :)

Be careful, she might be plotting to poison you. That’s how a passive aggressive person would do it. lol ;-) When is the dinner date, how long do we have to wait? haha

Dinner will be next week but I’ll probably talk to her before then.

Give us her phone number and we’ll pepper her porridge! ;-p

We do not expect to be disappointed by the Update Lady.

HEY update lady!! How’re things going now?

I’ve seen her several times and no mention of this phone call and text at all.

She has recently been through some trauma and has a diagnosis of PTSD, and is now full of anxiety, hypochondria, etc. Add to this that she is angry about a lot of it. I try to be patient and understanding, but I also don’t want to subject myself to her anger, so I am not always looking to talk to her or hang out with her.