I have mixed feelings about sex?

You should only ever have sex with someone if you are 100% comfortable with it. Don’t let men pressure you into things you’re not comfortable with.

I personally disagree with your philosophy on sex though. To me, it’s perfectly ok and healthy to have sex for pleasure with another person if you are both open and honest with each other. It’s like eating. One could use the same logic of your argument that food is only for sustenance and shouldn’t be enjoyed, therefore you should feel guilty for eating anything that tastes good. I’m not going to live my life like that, but people are certainly entitled to their own beliefs.

Humans have sex for reasons other than having children. To say that sex is only for procreation is an extremely narrow view, and it is ungenerous to our very nature.

That being said, if you are ambivalent about sex, or at all unsure whether you should be having sex with a particular partner, then by all means abstain. As @gorillapaws said, you should only have sex with someone if you are absolutely comfortable with it.

Did the Bible do this to you?

Sex to have kids??? Seriously? This is 2015. I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever had sex to try to have kids. Why? Because I don’t want to have kids. Sex is a joyous act, shared among consenting, and often loving, adults. Unfortunately, people can and do get pregnant by having sex. That is why it is imperative for people to use (and use it correctly 100% of the time) adequate contraceptives, and even then, that is not always 100% effective, even with the best efforts and intentions. Contraceptives can fail.

If you want to have kids, that should be planned. You can have sex or not have sex to get pregnant. Lots of people can’t even get pregnant by having sex, they have to become pregnant in other ways.

Where on earth did you get the idea that the only reason people have sex is to have children? Do you not know that many, many people in this world have sex, even when they are past child-bearing years? Why do they do it? Because they enjoy it. Many, many people that do not want to have children have sex. Why? Because they enjoy it. Many, many people that are still young, but unable to have children (for a whole host of reasons) have sex. Why? Because they enjoy it.

Sex is not something to be taken lightly, because there can be serious consequences if one’s contraceptives fail, but sex can and should be something that is enjoyable by the couple that is engaging in it. Guilt went out with the 1950’s. If you are having some kind of guilt regarding sex, you might need to speak to a professional about that to see what is causing your feelings. It would be such a shame to live out the rest of your life feeling that having sex, without specifically doing it to create a pregnancy, was somehow wrong. That’s very old school, outdated thinking.

I agree with @dappled_leaves about not having sex with people you feel ambivalent about.

Consider protected sex as practice and exercise for when you eventually want to have unprotected sex. By engaging in that activity you are keeping blood vessels open, increasing stamina, getting exercise, using and flexing muscles, and engaging hormonal and reproductive systems. You are also enjoying and sharing pleasure with another person.

You are a human being, not a monoestrous species with one breeding season a year, like foxes and wolves. You ovulate ~12 times per year! There are 7 billion people in the world right now. Imagine how quickly the system would collapse if no birth control was used. Actually you can see the effect of no birth control. The countries with the lowest usage of birth control are South Sudan, Somalia, Chad, Guinea, Eritrea, Congo-Kinshasa. The developed countries have the highest rate. UK and China are the top two. Which lifestyle do you prefer?
Enjoy and keep the pipes clear – with the right person.

I have always found that the saying “If you can’t f*ck a friend, who can you f*ck?” pretty well sums up my attitude toward sex.

Procreation, while not an afterthought (at least it should always be something to keep in mind) is not the main reason for sex.

@Kardamom The only reason you’re giving me is because you enjoy it. Also there are many problems in today’s society but that doesn’t mean its okay because its the present and we are at our peek. I want to know why sex is a right thing to do if the purpose of it is, biologically, just to procreate.

@dopeguru I think you are missing the point. Sex is not just for procreation; biologically, physiologically or even psychologically. Procreation is, or can be, a byproduct of sex but is not, at least in humans, exclusively for that. We invest a lot of time and effort in order to have and enjoy sex. It is not just the wham, bam, thank you ma’am sex that other mammals have and then only whenever the female goes into estrus.

@rojo So what is sex?

I am not sure what you are asking. Sex encompasses a lot of different types of physical activities but I get the impression you are asking for more than the what goes in where.

@rojo I’m just frustrated because humans have made sex a ‘fun activity’ but I want to know the version of sex that humans haven’t made. What it really is in its essence. Philosophically.

Humans have not made sex a fun activity, it is a fun activity that we enjoy. We have taken what was once a primal biological urge and modified it both physically and physiologically into an activity that brings joy, comfort, pleasure, satisfaction and stress relief to both parties. if done right.

I think your biggest hang up is expressed in you original question when you say that “It seems like it is a huge deal” My personal belief is that you need to quit making more of it than it is.

I would be interested to know what exactly you think this version of sex that humans haven’t made is comprised of?
What are you looking for? Do you enjoy it or not?
What do you want out of it?
Are you unsatisfied with the sex you have had and if so was it the physical or mental aspect that caused you grief?

@rojo Years ago the guy I lost my virginity to didn’t know I was a virgin. He stopped seeing me a day after. I started seeing sex as something I have to be an expert at in order to feel okay with doing.
I was constantly criticized by another men I was in love with, who said my inexperience in the field makes me ineligible as a lover/girlfriend (even before sleeping with him).
Then I tried to find people whom I despise to have sex with and made sure they didn’t want me prior, so I would be okay to stop seeing them.
Society also made me think if a girl has sex with a guy she likes, there’s a high chance she’ll lose him soon after because he will lose interest. Which happens often but not always.
I don’t see anything good about sex. I like having orgasms but not by and with men. I lost my virginity older than usual because it didn’t really have much value to me.

Humans aren’t the only ones that have sex for pleasure. It happens throughout the animal kingdom. Most notable are monkeys and dolphins. And evidence points to many others, there just isn’t much research on it. Though many animals perform oral sex regularly, from bears, to bats, to lions…

Sex for pleasure is a natural desire.

“The clitoris is used for only one thing; Sexual pleasure. How’s that for intelligent design?”

How’s that for a timely article? Salon. Sunday, Mar 15, 2015.

Sex can be a good way to bond with someone, if you choose the right person. Be choosy but don’t be too hung up. I think you were given a bunch of good things about sex above.

As you found out, @dopeguru, if you have sex with someone too soon, that can be a bad thing. Perhaps in your next relationship, wait a while and let the relationship develop outside of the sexual aspect. Wait and get to know the person and see if you really enjoy his company. Let him want you and wait so that you want him, too. Let it build up. Then see what happens when you do finally have sex.

You truly have a warped view on sex, relationships, and men in general. That’s not something any of us can help you with. If you’re very young, and I suspect you are, you’ll probably feel differently about it as you age.

I also believe you think too much. Chill out.

In a similar tone, if you feel that sex as a fun act is wrong, what about eating dessert? Having pets? Reading fiction, seeing a play, growing flowers in the garden? All pretty pointless by your reckonings.

Sex as a recreational activity, because of the intimacy factor, can indeed be fraught with emotional issues, so be careful about choosing with whom to have sex and when.

If it is just about procreation there are an awful lot of post menopausal women and men with vasectomies exercising between the sheets for no good reason.

It sure beats jogging.

Sex is way more than just fertilizing an egg. It’s a way to share, please, and express love and affection. Although I guess some of the late night bar hookups could be closer to what you’re thinking of?
Edit, no, that’s not quite right is it?

Where are you getting this from? And, why are you having sex if you are uncomfortable? Who are you having sex with? Sex is not just for procreation. It is also for bonding (we actually release bonding chemicals in our brain when we have sex) and for pleasure.

Maybe think about sex as something you share with someone you have a commitment with, rather than as just for procreation.

It sounds like you went from one bad experience to another and then made it worse by only picking partners you “despised”; probably getting the same attitude back from them. I can only imagine how awfully frustrating and uninspiring it would be to have sex with someone I wanted nothing to do with. Why waste the time and only reinforce your already negative feelings? Better to take care of things yourself and wait for someone you care for and who cares for you to come along then give it another shot.

@JLeslie is correct. There should be some basic level of empathy and emotional connection. It is, or rather should be, a bonding experience.

@dopeguru What sex is philosophically – interesting question. You’re asking about the essence of sex, right? – saying that reduced to its most basic kernel, sex is a biologically driven act of procreation, if I’m understanding you correctly. My guess is that you tied this idea into your personal experiences with sex so they make more sense to you, because you happen to have had some really shitty sexual experiences that can, if one believes that sex is only about procreation, perhaps be written off as those men following their biological drive to seek out the best mate – which was not you.

That is bullshit. Those guys were bad sexual partners. Stop excusing them for their lousiness, and stop twisting around your notion of sex to do it. That way lies dragons, and it sounds like you’ve already encountered a serpent or two.

The really cool thing about sex, for humans, is that it is, in fact, more of a social act than a biological act – and this is a natural thing. Look at our closest animal relative, the bonobo chimpanzee. They are very promiscuous apes – they have sex to say hi, to apologize and make up, and to have fun. Why should humans be different?

You say you like orgasms but not with or by men. Have you tried incorporating the techniques that give you pleasure – vibrator, imagery, whatever – into sex with men? If not – don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

And start reading Dan Savage’s column.

Sex is more than procreation, and it’s more than fun. If done with a caring partner, it is the act of the most intimacy. It builds and strengthens relationships. It is the ultimate expression of love. Perhaps you should have sex less often until your feelings are involved.

I keep getting the feeling you are using sex to get love. It doesn’t seem like you have a solid core of yourself for yourself yet. As has been suggested before, why not take a break from sex and relationship seeking and find out who you are first.

I know this doesn’t apply here but sex is also therapeutic.

After prostate surgery most men are prescribed all sorts of powerful ED medications and are strongly encouraged to “engage” to promote blood flow and improve healing.
Post-Prostatectomy sex certainly isn’t for procreation!

Fortunately it feels twice as good and needs no refractory period between events!
And there’s no mess! How cool is that?

@wildpotato “Those guys were bad sexual partners. Stop excusing them for their lousiness, and stop twisting around your notion of sex to do it. ”

Well said. I think this is exactly what is going on here.

Thanks guys! This was extremely helpful

Sex has many purposes one is to have children while other is to come close to the person and feel relaxed and euphoric. So you shouldn’t feel bad

I am just thinking about how so many couples with fertility problems wind up having stress added to the situation when it becomes a chore to have sex at a specific time and day to make a baby.

Ironic.

The biological purpose of running is to escape threats or hunt. Is it wrong to play sports for pleasure?

Lol are you catholic ?...that explains it.

Maybe you are having sex with someone that you do not love.

I think you feel guilty because you know there is a possibility you could get pregnant and if you do it would be a disaster to you life because you are not sure you love this person.

Maybe that is more the issue

Also you are wrong. God made sex a fun act first and for procreation second. Just think about it , if it was not a fun act, people would have no incentive to have sex and therefore people would have no children.

There is nothing wrong with having sex for fun but at the same time if you are not willing to deal with the consequenses i.e “if you get pregnant” then it IS wrong because you are having irresponsible sex.

That is just my opinion.