What to do about Boyfriends frequent drinking?

Nothing. You can’t change a person. He should not have to answer to you like a nanny. Let the poor man drink. You do have control over your self. Tell him that when he drinks that you think of breaking up with him. You can always recommend AA.

I went through a similar situation, although we never officially lived together. In the end I had to end the relationship after 4 years, even though it saddened me greatly. I had a father who died from alcoholism. I was not going to live my adulthood as I did my childhood.

@anniereborn I went through something similar with my father. My grandparents died 2 weeks apart when I was in high school. After that my father would come home, crack open a beer, and drink until he fell asleep. He did this every single night up until he passed away a few years ago. I just don’t understand not being able to deal with life or problems without alcohol or… the need to make up excuses to drink. If my boyfriend drinks, I’d rather him do it because he’s in a good mood. Not because he needs it to help him “relax”.

@talljasperman. I understand that it’s impossible to change someone. I’m not trying to do that. He’s the one that has mentioned how he has a problem and wants to change and has even told me that I can yell at him about it if I want to. Yet he makes excuses to keep putting it off. Excuses are what bother me. Using drinking to relax, or to help you sleep, or to help you write music or do whatever else is what bothers me. If you drink when you’re in a good mood, fine whatever. If you’re drinking to put yourself in a better mood, I see that as being a problem.

If you grew up with alcoholic parents you know how this situation ends and it’s not good.

You need to break up with him and live on your own until you find someone else unless you want to end up following in your parent’s footsteps.

Somehow ACOAs (Adult Children of Alcoholics) end up fatally attracted to alcoholics (because it’s a familiar pattern to them) unless they CONSCIOUSLY make a consistent effort to avoid it.

How do you do that? I would suggest seeing a therapist with this as your stated goal because it will be like swimming upstream against a strong current until you develop better choosing habits about whom you allow yourself to become involved with.

When you do break up with him, it might (very slim chance of success) help bring him to his senses if you let him know that the only way you would reconsider is after he has at least a year of sobriety under his belt. That means NO ALCOHOL AT ALL (not just feeble attempts at cutting back). You don’t need me to tell you that, for an alcoholic, the only solution is sobriety/complete abstinence.

They cannot handle alcohol. Ever. Period. There is no in between for an alcoholic.

You’ve seen it first hand from growing up with your parents. This boyfriend is exactly like them and deep down you know this is true. All the hoping in the world won’t change that.

You can talk to him until the moon turns blue and nothing will essentially change unless and until he decides to get sober.

Why am I saying all this? Because I also grew up in an alcoholic family system and decided to learn everything I could about it.

If you don’t want to male a financial commitment to therapy then al least start regularly going to Al Anon meetings (this is for friends and loved ones of alcoholics).

Unless you want to end up re-enacting the alcoholic misery of your childhood. It was a good first step for you to get control of your own drinking. Good for you.

But now you need to take proactive steps to make sure you don’t end up getting stuck in a lifelong enabling/codependent relationship with an alcoholic/addict. That’s a different scenario with its own bunch of misery.

And whatever else you do, DON’T GET PREGNANT. Use two methods of birth control and do whatever you have to to make absolutely certain that you don’t birth a child into a lifetime of misery with this guy as his genertic parent.

If you don’t care enough about yourself YET, at least don’t bring a defenseless child into this mess. Just in case it’s in the back of your mind that having a child will motivate him to cut back on the drinking, IT WON’T. Obviously it didn’t work for your parents and it won’t work for him.

He is an alcoholic. Cutting back on his drinking won’t last. The only option is abstinence and a sober life. In your heart you know this. You’re just feebly hoping someone can come up with a magical suggestion that will motivate him to reduce his drinking. That’s not how it works for alcoholics and you know this truth.

You can’t continue living with him until he has at least a year’s track record of sobriety.

The sooner you end this current situation, the better for all concerned.

Or else you can continue following in your dysfunctional family pattern. It’s your choice.

Please pleas get some help. Otherwise even if you end it with him, you just don’t want this same pattern with the guys you date in the future. That subconscious magnetic attraction to addiction dysfunction and chaos (even tho it makes no logical sense) is still there within you. You really need to learn how to counteract this consciously. Find a good therapist or a good group, or both.

@Buttonstc Thank you for the advice and honesty. I would like to start therapy but currently don’t have health insurance. Al Anon meetings are something I will definitely look into. Also no worries about kids. I don’t ever want to have kids and nothing has ever made me come anywhere close to swaying that decision.

I quote @Buttonstc, and end there, “You need to break up with him…”

There are also some excellent books and tapes for families and friends of alcoholics.

A good start would be “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. Amazon had it used for less than five bucks.

Another thing very helpful to me was a series of talks by John Bradshaw which was on PBS years ago but I’m not sure about current availability. Likely on VHS tapes unless someone has digitized them. Maybe try your local library. I’m going to check around a bit and see what’s available. He grew up with alcoholics and describes the coping patterns of ACOAs in a very relatable commonsense way.

BTW. I referred to Al Anon because it’s the most widely known and available.

But if there are any ACOA groups in your area you might give them a try also. I particularly found them helpful.

But what’s most important is to find a group you’re comfortable with and a few people there whom you can relate to you. Find a few old timers. The wisdom they have gained is invaluable. And don’t be the least bit surprised if some of them, in addition to being ACOAs, are also alcoholics in recovery. Its a unique set of issues for each with a lot of overlap.

Leave him or put up with it.

Those are your choices.

When I met my husband I was drinking quite a bit. He was a recovering alcoholic and told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who drank.
I told him it was only a beverage and if it was more than a beverage it was a problem. I told him that he matterd more to me than any beverage and chose to quit drinking.
In August we will be married 25 years.
If this is a deal breaker for you then get out now before you invest another minute in the relationship.
You already are set up to be co defendant by virtue of the fact that you were raised by alcoholics. It’s only natural for you to gravitate to that personality type.
You might want to consider going to Alanon to understand how you are being co dependent by sticking around and putting up with it and to learn tools to protect yourself from this patern in future relationships.
Good luck. It’s a hard road.

Make two lists. 1. what you like about him and the relationship you have with him. 2. What you don’t like about him and the relationship you have with him. Compare the lists and make your decision on whether you would like to continue the relationship with him.

I realized that with my ex boyfriend, even if he did get sober, I couldn’t live my life with him. Due to what I went through as a child. I’d always be worried of a relapse. Or spending my adult life in Al-Anon. Or dealing with AA meetings with him. No, I just couldn’t live that again.
Also, if you’d like to talk to someone who has gone through this, feel free to PM me. I know how very hard this is.

He is not going to change. There is a possibility he would like to, if not for you then for himself but he is not going to.

Can you deal with that?

If you don’t want to be with someone one that drinks reguarly, then maybe you should consider finding the right person. From the sounds of it, that should be pretty high up on your list for boyfriend material.

If you try to make him stop drinking, and he stops to appease you (not becuase he actually wants to) he will resent you for it.

My advice is to stop pressuring him to change for you, and reevaluate your wants/needs in a lasting relationship.

Get out of the toxic situation, it will drain you.

I was in this situation. The best advice I got from someone was: “Ask him to make a choice, you or the alcohol. If he goes on about not caving to ultimatums and how hypocritical it is of you to ask this because you drink, too, and how if you loved him you would love him no matter what, then he has already made his choice, and it’s not you.”
The mature, non-alcoholic answer is: “Wow, I didn’t realize it was that bad/bothering you that much. Sure, I’ll give it up, I don’t need to drink!”

Good luck with this, it is a miserable and painful thing to go through.

@Silence04 He’s the one that has told me he wants to get better and quit drinking. He does drink a lot less than he used to. It’s just a habitual thing for him… it’s like he hits a wall and doesn’t push himself to get better past a certain point. I’ve asked him to not do it just for me. He does want to quit for himself but also for the relationship.

@canidmajor is correct. He’s making excuses and he’s good at it. it sounds like you’re buying it. Really, there is only misery down that rabbit hole! You’re being sucked in and to anyone who has been there it’s obvious. Don’t make excuses or give him credit for half assed failed attempts. he’s an alcoholic and you are doing him and yourself no favors.

@viainfested but did he tell you that to appease you or did he say this before ever finding out about your parents/drinking preference?

Clearly the drinking bothers you more than it does him and it sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on him to quit. If he wants to quit, let him quit on his own terms, not yours. He will resent you otherwise.

I must put in more of my 2 cents. Leaving my boyfriend after 4 years was devastating. Do it ASAP. If he doesn’t actively get help within the next month or two, pack your bags.

Is he an alcoholic? You say he said he drinks 4–6 nights a week and has 3–4 beers. Are they heavy, full-strength beers or light beers? I’m trying to get a sense of whether he has a drinking problem or he just enjoys drinking. I know you said he’s dependent on alcohol and is finding it hard to cut back, but I’m not sure if that means he cannot abstain from drinking alcohol or that he doesn’t want to (they may be the same thing).

I’ve been in a similar situation possibly. My parents never drank at home. I occasionally have a drink, but I’m a very light drinker. On the flipside, my sister was an alcoholic and her addiction killed her. So I’m acutely aware of the dangers of alcoholism. I was also very cautious about being in a relationship with someone who drinks.

When I got together with my husband, he drank 3–4 beers a night and it would have been most nights. He only drank light beer. I never saw him drunk (in 15 years I’ve only seen him drunk once). It bothered me though. I didn’t like him drinking every night and I worried about whether he had a problem. I asked him to cut back to four nights a week. He did sometimes. Sometimes he didn’t. We didn’t break up because beyond my concern and dislike of his drinking, it wasn’t causing us any harm. He now, after 15 years, wouldn’t even drink twice a week. Sometimes he doesn’t have a drink. He’s chosen to stop drinking because of an unconnected health issue.

So I think you need to be careful that your worries and fears about his drinking are not clouding your view. However, if he is an alcoholic (my husband isn’t), then you need to be very cautious about how you proceed. I personally couldn’t have stayed with my husband had his drinking had a negative effect on our lives.

If it’s a problem for you, then you need to make a choice. Can you bear the pain of a break up at this point?

If your answer is yes, then give him an ultimatum. Normally I hate those, but you should never be in a relationship that makes you feel uncomfortable… So you should give him the choice of either cutting down/cutting out his drinking, or losing you.

@Earthbound_Misfit They’re almost always IPA’s.

@Earthbound_Misfit it’s also rare that he can make a bottle of whiskey last longer than a week.

@viainfested What is an IPA? And what size bottle of whisky?

IPA’s come in varied strengths ranging from just over 4% ABV (alcohol by volume) to over 20%.So the amount of alcohol he is consuming, at least in terms of beer, is highly variable and depends upon what he is drinking. Most IPA’s fall in the 5.5 to 65% range. So if he is drinking a common brand of IPA readily available in stores and not looking for exotics chances are he is getting only a little more alcohol than if drinking Bud, Coors or Miller (5% ABV) and even in light beers most fall in the 4.2 to 4.8% range.

The whiskey however is usually 40% alcohol but can be higher (65 – 70%) depending on the brand. If he is going through a bottle a week, he is drinking an average of 3½ ozs. or 2⅓ shots a day.

How big of a bottle of whiskey? There are liter bottles and there are gallons.

Yes, the most common are .75 liter bottles. If he had a larger size he would be drinking more of course. If he was buying liter bottles he would be consuming 3¼ shots. If he buys by the gallon it would be just over 12 shots a day.

If @viainfested can please clarify as to what size bottle we’re talking about…...

If he’s drinking IPAs, that means he really likes beer…and not just for getting drunk.