What do you do when you really need a friend to lean on but they are all too busy for you?

You just do what you can do, to either fix the situation, alleviate the situation, or if you can’t fix it, then try to do something else that will get your mind off of your troubles. I’ve found the best way to do that is to Pay It Forward. In other words, do something kind for someone else, without them having to ask. Help someone else who needs help, and don’t do any complaining while you’re doing it.

Sometimes just doing something useful for someone else can make you not feel so emotionally tangled up in your own pain. Make plans to pay it forward immediately. Don’t wait, or else you’ll just end up wallowing in your own pity.

Also, don’t blame those people who you wish were there to help you. It doesn’t help you. It only makes you feel resentful.

Maybe down the line you can talk to those people, separately and be very specific about what you need them to do, without being accusatory. Say something like, “Hey Jim, I really need you to drive me to the store today. I hurt my back and I just can’t manage to get behind the wheel of my car.” Or, “Hey Jenn, can you just sit with me for a half an hour while I tell you my troubles? I promise I’ll let you leave after that. Just one half hour, and you don’t need to even offer up any solutions. I mostly just need someone to listen to me.” Even if you ask, and are very specific, people still might not have the time, or the mental capacity, or strength to do what you want/need. Forgive them. It won’t help you to blame them, because it will only make you feel like crap and won’t change the situation.

Pay It Forward. Just do that, and keep doing it if you need to. Eventually, it will become second nature and you will want/need to pay it forward even when you aren’t feeling lonely and needy.

If it helps, make a list of Pay It Forward tasks to keep on hand, for moments just like this, so that you don’t have to strain yourself trying to come up with something when you’re already feeling low. Just open up your list and pick something. Then just Pay It Forward.

If you have a specific problem in mind, try asking a question about it here on Fluther. We’re here to help and we stay up late : )

The first thing you have to do is decide if you are going to sulk in misery, or take action. It depends though what sort of problem you are dealing with.

My friends never have time for me either-so I spend the time for myself. I exercise, study, read, or learn something new. I’ve learned that sitting around and waiting is not going to do me any good. So instead of sulking around for my friends who don’t even have time for me, I reward myself! Do what you want, for yourself.

Try to do some social activity where you may meet other people that are potential friends.

I have a friend who recently suffered some trauma (husband died and as a result of the trauma, she is now mentally ill, anxious, hypochondriac). She wants to have hour long conversations on the phone. I am not usually available for that kind of commitment. I am a single mother who works full time with an hour commute each way to and from work. She needs to get more friends who may be available to give her “therapy sessions,” or get a relationship with a therapist, or something other than relying on me. That’s the bottom line.

And what are we – chopped liver? :-P (That is an old NYC Jewish expression.)

Have you looked here for support? Sure, I know we are all ghosts on the other side of your screen. But many are supportive ghosts.

My wife and I have friends we spend time with who are wonderful and fun, but I can’t lean on any of them. My wife has a couple of close friends she can confide in, but I haven’t had anyone like that in my life for a long while. Maybe since 2003 or so.

This bothered me for a long time but one thing helped me a lot: technology.

Two things specifically, Fluther and Podcasts. Both provide a sense of community and an opportunity to learn new stuff without the annoyance of certain social media (Facebook, Twitter).

It’s not the same as a quality, in-person relationship, but they’ve been a good substitute.

I find that providing comfort to others lessens my need for comfort. Being retired, I have plenty of time to volunteer to serve the community. Knowing people who not only cannot get what they want but also cannot get what they need puts my wants in perspective.

The volunteering idea was really good. I went for a long long time with no one to lean on. It’s not easy.

Second the advice to volunteer to help others. It will be a positive distraction until everybody else is not so busy.

They don’t have time?
Or they don’t have time for you?

First thing you should do is ask yourself whether you have clearly stated your need. Often, especially when we’re going through stressful times, we don’t communicate well. Tell them once, then tell them again.

If no-one pays attention to you for a prolonged time, you may need to add some new friends.

I Fluther and order out.

We’re here for you. It may not seem like much since all you see are digital representations of us.. but we’re here.

Under-appreciated but still important, you can take care of yourself and lean on yourself during tough times.

Taking care of yourself- eat healthy, get plenty of rest and exercise, do things that make you feel happy and healthy. Going for long nature walks by yourself is restful and invigorating, and I can’t recommend it enough. But any activity that makes you feel happy and peaceful will work.

Lean on yourself- you can be your own best friend! Invest time and energy into being your best self- whether you start a new activity, pursue a new career path, move to a new place, or whatever. Do that thing you’ve always been meaning to do, rinse, and repeat. Then, when you’re dealing with a seemingly intractable problem, you can think it through. Take a deep breath, consider it, and maybe write out all your feelings on the subject in a journal. After a couple days, brainstorm possible solutions and start investigating them. For instance, seeking affordable therapy is a good place to start.