Relative canceled their birthday dinner to reschedule: When someone cancels on you, how willing are you to reshuffle your schedule to accommodate them?

Aahhh…family and scheduling. I can relate to this. A casual get-together can turn into months of scheduling and re-scheduling. I have 3 kids (6, 10, 12), and it is impossible to find the “right” time. What I have found is that I’m fairly spontaneous. I prefer not making plans, and only getting together with family or friends if we find that we are actually free tomorrow. But we do plan, and I’m ok with people cancelling. Things happen. But I never cancel my plans to try to schedule something else. In your case, I would keep my plans with your daughter’s friends and mom. But that’s just me.

Well, people just need to know that when they reschedule someone might not be able to make it.

What works is to set family reunions on weekends. Where most have the time off.

I would just consider it a single brand new invitation as the first time the people give and make a decision based on that.

Once I have said I am going to go somewhere, it takes precedence. It could only be some sort of very important event or a necessary work thing to pre-empt.

And something getting rescheduled falls to the bottom of priority unless it is because of some emergency taking place. I would go to a rescheduled wedding if it was rescheduled because the bride or groom ended up in the emergency room, or if someone who was important to an event was having a premature baby.

But canceling dinner because one is tired means your rest is more important than everyone else’s schedule.

Is your sister the princess in the family?

@zenvelo: My sister is actually partying in the Hamptons, so she’s probably not resting much. As to whether she is the princess, not really sure. She’s pretty grounded, independent, takes care of herself, runs marathons, works hard. She lives in NYC and is fairly successful.

In your scenario, I wouldn’t reschedule my already made plans. I would be sorry to miss the Big Event, but since I don’t schedule my entire life around one other person, it’s just kind of too bad.

Did you talk to her about your availabilities? Did she ask you at all? It sounds like you don’t even want to meet with her if you’re trying to “accommodate” her.

Did you ask your mom if it could be rescheduled a different day that might fit everyone’s schedule?

I’ll move things around or not depending on the circumstance, and it also depends somewhat on who it is. There is no one answer. My BIL had a landmark birthday, and friend flew in from Mexico, but they planned it on a race weekend that we already had planned so we didn’t go. But, it’s not like we miss everything, we go almost anytime we are invited, but if they plan something last minute or make a last minute change and it doesn’t work with our schedule then too bad. My husband’s family is notorious for last minute planning and I used to care more about bending myself out of shape, but not anymore.

For me it would depend on how much I wanted to go, if I really wanted to (for what ever reason) I would make the time. If it was not important to me I would not bother.

I think it’s a matter of which is more important to you—the event or the invitee.

Gosh. For a long time my kids worked in health care/elderly care. They didn’t have weekends or holidays off, as a general rule. It was a hassle, coordinating 3 schedules for Thanksgiving day or Christmas day. We generally had to pick a random day.

Not very.

If your sister is back from her trip at the time of the first planned dinner, she should attend that. If she doesn’t want to, I think she’s made her feelings about the importance of the dinner very clear. Therefore, if you can’t make the new time because of a pre-existing arrangement, she misses out on your company at the rescheduled dinner for her birthday.

If they didn’t ask me about my availability before re-scheduling then I think I’m free to assume my attendance was considered optional.
I’m going to keep my commitments (with appropriate prioritization) and if someone wants to shift dates, then we have to consult our calendars and come up with a new date that works for all involved.
Exceptions, of course, are family/health emergencies, and frequently at my house: unplanned work travel that pops up last minute. People in our life are aware that the latter might happen and are understanding.

@dxs: I was kind of bummed to hear it’s off for tomorrow. I was looking forward to seeing her. Our family almost always has a good time when we’re together. I’m going to write to her to say happy birthday and tell her we’re busy Sunday but if she’s free Saturday instead….

This may be a moot point depending upon how old your daughter is, but if she is old enough to understand responsibility, then it may be worth having this discussion with her. This seems like a great opportunity to discuss deciding on the choices between what one wants to do, breaking a promise, family obligation, and negotiating. This may be a life lesson for her.

The fact that your sister cancelled at the very last minute is not the only problem here and since you said that you are willing to be understanding about it, that’s fine.

However, the other part of this is what I would have a problem with if I were in your shoes.

Instead of calling to work out the rescheduling with you, it’s presented as a fait accompli and you’re informed that it’s next Sunday. Period.

That would strike me as quite inconsiderate on either your Mother’s part or on the part of both of them.

I don’t know how many other people are involved in this get together, but you are the sister, for crying out loud. A member of the family. Before just up and deciding the matter, they couldn’t be bothered to at least ask for your input?

If someone (relative or not) were inconsiderate enough to do that to me then it would be “first come…” and I would keep the commitment to my daughter’s friends and their family without a second thought.

There is a world of difference between asking and telling. The plain fact of the matter is that the day to which this is rescheduled is pretty much arbitrary since the actual birthday will have passed and COULD HAVE been done to try to accomodate your needs as well. They chose not
to even try. So, I wouldn’t bother knocking myself out to rearrange my previous commitment just to accomodate them.

I mean, come on, how difficult is it really to make a 5 minute phone call? They chose not to.
That would speak volumes, were it me in your shoes.

That’s just my two cents worth about the whole thing. (And it very well might not be worth even that much :)

Do what you feel comfortable with and don’t stress out about it. They could have tried to work it out with you for any other day besides Sunday.

@Buttonstc: Good advice. I’m not going to stress over it or reschedule anything. We’re free when we’re free and we’re busy when we’re busy. I’ll update as to what unfolds.

Thank you all for your invaluable advice! Update will be within a week, if not sooner!

jca
The Update Lady

I like what @geeky_mama said about asking about your availability first.

Sigh,
My family actually does interesting things like go fishing, backpacking and bicycling. We seldom have to reschedule. My wife’s family…they sit, eat and talk about nothing for hours on end. Speech usually consists of whining. I don’t know how I have been able to stand this for so long. They constantly reschedule and it always fucks up what I would rather be doing…Not sitting, eating and talking about nothing.

@ARE_you_kidding_me Boundaries. Need to learn boundaries. If they invite you to something and you have already made plans, say “I am busy that day” and then ” how about on ???”. That way you are not cutting them out, but you will set a boundary that you are doing other things.