I want to get out of a surprise party in my honor - am I the bad guy here?

Hi @JoJo74 , and welcome to Fluther!
Surprises just are not advisable for someone has had a lot on their plate. That goes for planning them, or experiencing them.
Tell your friend you don’t feel comfortable having any surprises at this time, and that you would be much happier deciding for yourself how you would like to celebrate.
Don’t let friendship get in the way of honesty. If your friend really is good for you, they will understand your position, and be glad you were honest.
Some people have so much fun planning surprises they simply don’t understand how uncomfortable they are making the one they are surprising. Gently but firmly let him know you really want to celebrate with both eyes open, and plans which everyone can enjoy.

Welcome to Fluther.

It’s not entirely clear to me whether it’s the “surprise party” that you dread, or the fact that it’s (apparently) going to be co-hosted by the toxic female acquaintance that you don’t want to be around.

I’m also not quite understanding what part your sister plays in all of this. I understand the familial bond, and I get that she’s going on vacation with the two of you, but … she’s your sister. Though the bond between you is undoubtedly strong and affectionate, it’s not like you’d be on your honeymoon with a new wife and doing “newlywed” things together all the time. (And even newlyweds don’t always have exactly coinciding interests, and might reasonably spend some time apart during the honeymoon.) So if the party or the venue isn’t your sister’s cup of tea – for one night? – she doesn’t go. No biggie. (Unless you’re using her as a kind of beard to shield yourself from the real problem: your friend, your toxic acquaintance, and your reluctance to attend a party that’s not already clear to you. My advice in that case would be to not use your sister as a beard, but to open up to your friend about what’s really bothering you.)

But the problem that I’m seeing with that scenario is this: “How will your sister know in advance whether she wants to attend or not, if this is a ‘surprise’ party that she doesn’t already know about?” Maybe you should talk to her and see what she knows.

In any case, I would definitely come clean with your friend. Tell him plainly that if “X” is his partner in this venture, then you’re not going to be happy to see her and that you will not attend the event, whatever it is. It’s just possible that your sister is already in on the planning, may even be the “co-conspirator”, in fact, and can give you the assurance that you need that you really should expect to enjoy yourself.

Be honest with your friend. It is not terrible of you to cancel the event. After all, you agreed blindly. Tell him that you are very uncomfortable with the thoughts that you are having of what is being planned and with whom. Tell him your guesses, but say that they are just that: guesses.

Tell your friend that you were really looking forward to the vacation, but worry about these unknown plans is ruining the idea of it for you. Tell him that if he continues, you will be forced to cancel the vacation.

Set firm boundaries. Don’t back down. Don’t try to explain yourself. Just repeat “I’m sorry. I“m not comfortable with that.”

Well, if it’s a “surprise,” you aren’t supposed to know about it, right? So if you happen to make other plans for yourself for that night, you really can’t be blamed for not being there because you didn’t know about it.

Thanks CWOTUS! I probably should have been more clear on this – my sister actually helped me plan the trip, and is ALSO friends with him (we’ve all been friends for almost two decades at this point, including his late wife). While planning, our friend would refer to it as my trip, I should plan it how I want it, and he just wants to be there to celebrate my accomplishment. (Also another family member will be attending but will have flown home before said party is supposed to happen.)

So the fact she was treated with such disregard DOES cheese me off, when he knows how important it is to ME that she’s a part of things. She’s not a buffer, she’s his friend as well. She also knows nothing of the party other than what I told her. She can’t keep a secret to save her life. What I want is for all the people I love to be there and have a nice relaxing trip. I know it’s only one night but it’s rare we get to get away anymore. I don’t even want to spend one night dumping someone I love to spend time with someone I don’t.

And also, to your top question, both. I dread both. However I’d eventually get over the anxiety of the surprise party. I am most upset that it was planned with a person that I repeated said over the past year I did not want in my life.

Thank you ALL for your answers! They do make me feel better!

Follow up: Finally got him to admit to his plans and told him I wasn’t comfortable. That’s when he told me he’d invited her…along with many others…along for the whole trip. He had me plan the whole thing, then fed them my plans.

I have no idea what he told everyone after but I’m now getting messages and emails from everyone apologizing and saying they never meant to “ruin my trip”. He also has asked me to cancel his reservations.

It’s really taken the shine off of my accomplishment, and now I’m in Awkwardtown with a bunch of friends. Good time to be me right now.

Thanks for your help…normally HE would be the one I go to for these things, and you have helped take a lot of guilt off of my shoulders.

Well, if people are apologizing for “ruining” your trip it rather sounds like a bit of gossip went along with the news, rather than having gracefully changed the plan.

@JoJo74 I’m sorry that things are awkward with your friend, but it is his fault. Just remember that he made a bunch of plans and invited a bunch of people on a trip for you to celebrate your accomplishment without your consent or OK. He also totally ignored your input on the poisonous girl that you told him you did not want in your life.

1. Make sure she is not still planning to come. If she is, change resorts.

2. Hold on to your friend’s reservation. Give him a few days to cool down, and then tell him it would really mean a lot to you if he came along as planned. See what he says then.