Would you write a letter to your rapist if you had the chance?

I wouldn’t. I think doing so would just dredge up a lot of sad, angry and vulnerable feelings that I just don’t want to experience. I’m not who I was then. I don’t think I would gain anything from writing that asshat a letter. And I don’t think he would care. His behaviour was so callous and privileged at the time, why would I assume he would feel any different now? I suspect he would either ignore my letter or deny he committed the crime. So no, I don’t see any value for me. My rapist had a wife and children when he raped me. His behaviour afterwards suggested he was abusive and dismissive of his wife’s feelings too.

If you feel you will gain something by even just writing the letter and not sending it, perhaps do so. We’re all different. What do you think you would gain from taking this action?

I feel like I was never heard. One friend apologized two years ago for not supporting me. He was the cousin. My two best girlfriends won’t even touch the subject. I need an outlet of some kind.

Someone very close to me was raped. I’ll beat that motherfucker to within an inch of his life if given the chance. I told this person never to tell me who it was for that reason.

@dammitjanetfromvegas, I can totally understand your pain. I just don’t know that reaching out to your rapists will result in a positive outcome or give you the peace and sense of justice you perhaps feel you need. I would be concerned it would have the opposite effect.

Have you thought about speaking to a rape counsellor? They may have ideas about how you can find closure (to the extent that you can). Another thing that might help is working with other women who have been raped. Even in a voluntary capacity. I know you are aware of this, but sometimes helping others actually helps us just as much. Perhaps that’s something you could consider? I think you live closer to town now, although still in a rural setting. Is there a program you could connect with that would allow you to take proactive action to help others? Just a thought anyway. For now, I’m sending you a hug. I’d really like to chop someone’s testicals off, but I know it wouldn’t really help me. Not in the long-run.

I wouldn’t, personally, no. I would rather try to forget about it. The event itself was less traumatic than the doubt and skepticism from the people in our social circle, having people not believe me and continue on treating him in the same warm way as always was really what was so devastating. I just try to leave it behind me.

I think you’re hoping for some sort of epiphany from the guy and it most likely, won’t be forthcoming. I’m sure this guy is in deep denial and while it;s possible he might, have some tiny glimmer of consciousness and repent for his behavior, I fear it might just hurt you more if he were to reply with a ” I don’t know what you;re talking about” thing. I have never been raped but…my ex husband was abusive and it took me a long time to realize that his denial & defense mechanisms were so iron clad that he would never admit to any of his unsavory behaviors. You must find a way to let it go and take pride in how you have built your life, raised your children and your successful marriage.
Of course you CAN write him, but be prepared to feel violated a second time of he either, A. ignores your letter or B. flat out denies it.

It sucks, I know, really wanting someone that has deeply hurt you to acknowledge their shitty actions, but the pdds are extremely small that this will happen.o

I don’t know. I can understand wanting to be heard. Are you hoping he will apologize? Would an apology help? Men have the problem that if they admit they raped someone they can go to jail, but I just looked up your state and it looks like yours does have a statute of limititatiins, so he wouldn’t have to worry about that.

Do you think he is now a good man? That it is something he probably regrets? I don’t know the details of your rape. I think if you are willing to take the risk that he might say he doesn’t remember, or laugh it off as a crazy young thing, then you can seriously think about talking to him about it. He might be glad you broke the silence and he gets a chance to apologize. No way to know. His memory might have changed the details so that he doesn’t think of it as a rape. Just be ready to be disappointed.

If I were going to write a letter or want to talk to my perpetrator, I don’t think I’d write it for the world to see, but rather directly to him.

I don’t want anything from him. I want the chance to tell him what a piece of sh*t he was and how it still affects me 30 years later. I don’t care about a reply.

@dammitjanetfromvegas Got’cha, sorry if I made any ass-umptions.

I haven’t been raped, so I won’t purport to know what I’d do after going through what must be an awful mess of emotions.

I wonder, if you still feel you’re missing closure after 30 years, will your feelings ever change if you do nothing? Writing him might help, might hurt, but if the status quo is already painful that might be a worthy risk. Of course, you’ve lived with your pain for so long, so you’ve clearly learned how to live with it.

Only you can answer these questions. Good luck and love to you.

I might write the letter then ceremonially burn it

If you want to vent it to him, just remember you still run the risk he will reply. Be sure it’s worth the risk of a reply that might be upsetting. Even if you don’t expect it or want anything from him, you might get something good or bad from him. I’m not trying to talk you out of it, I’m completely neutral for you. If you decide to do it I’m behind you.

Look at all those women coming out about Bill Cosby. I think they wanted their chance to say something, because they stifled all those years.

I think write the letter. Then decide whether you send it. Don’t send it right away, wait, wait a few days or weeks. See how you feel after you write it.

I don’t understand why would anyone want to do that. Most rape victims just want to forget about that particular experience and let that memory to disappear forever so they can start a new life fresh and clean, let alone writing a letter that forces you reminsce that painful memory.

Moreover, by writing such letter you’ll risk yourself getting known to have been raped by someone in the past, this is not a good public display and most victims prefer to keep this from public’s eyes if they can to at least save up some of their reputation and dignity.

The only way I’ll ever consider to do that if by any chance by doing such thing I can catch mass medias attention to broadcast my story to shame and help to arrest the perpetrator.

I was never raped but if I were you, I wouldn’t. Even though you are not looking for or expecting a response, he may just respond and his response may be unpleasant (angry, nasty, denying) and it may open up a whole bunch of bad feelings for you. I’d let sleeping dogs lie and deal with it on your end without involving him. As others have said, if you feel a need to communicate some things to him, consider writing a letter and then burning it or not sending it.

@Unofficial_Member, she has nothing to be ashamed of. Her reputation and dignity are quite intact. She did nothing wrong. And if she feels she needs to write to her rapist to confront his behaviour, that’s her choice. Have you been raped? How would you know what ‘most’ rape victims would want to do?

Have you been to therapy for this? You may have and I just don’t know or may have forgotten, but I think it’s worthwhile if it is still causing you this much grief so far down the line. I ask, because, I feel like a good therapist would suggest that you write this letter that you want to write and simply not send it. Perhaps burn it or destroy it in some other ceremonious manner. Sometimes the act of writing the letter (vs the person who hurt us actually receiving it) is the cathartic part.

@Unofficial_Member Reputation and dignity? What does being raped have to do with that?! I find that statement very bothersome. A large percentage of women are raped sometime in their life. A much bigger number have been molested somehow, either in a small way or very significant. Anyone who looks at women who have been sexually assaulted as marred in some way needs a reality check. Plus, my guess is people who are close to the OP already know.

@Earthbound_Misfit and @JLeslie Well excuse me but I live in a place where a woman’s ‘purity’ is highly sought after. It doesn’t matter whether the woman is tarnished with or without her own willingness, most men here (that I know) will think that her purity has been smudged and will less likely to marry such woman. Believe it or not I know how women here care a lot about how the public view them, and if the public hold some specific gender expectation on women then you’ll be sure most women will abide it. No offense but I heard that free sex sexual liberty is quite acceptable in Western communities compared to the traditional community we have here which expect a woman to keep her purity (a.k.a. virginity) before marriage, perhaps that’s why most of you think that it’s just ok for a woman to spread her rape story for public consumption? That our communities uphold different value? A letter is a letter but words can spread out quickly and soon or later people will know that a certain woman has been raped. Even the rape victims shown on news here are all censored in one way or another, so that they can open a new page of white sheet and have no rumor like “Oh that’s the girl that was raped by…” which will make forgetting the incident much harder and make any family don’t want their sons to marry this woman, while there are many untarnished women out there. Even if the woman is not a celebrity she still has dignity and reputation that she needs to maintain in front of public’s eyes. You have no any inkling of idea how unmarried women would be perceived by the public (and their own family) if they’re discovered to have been ‘tarnished’ by a man (again, it matters not whether it’s willingly or not), which is why they want to keep it buried as deep as possible. Social stigma can be so sharp here.

It’s really none of my business whether or not the OP wants to write a letter to a rapist. It’s entirely her right. If she feels no shame then good, I’m happy for any strong women that have confidence in themselves and dare to withstand any social stigma placed upon them. The bottom line, do what you think is more beneficial and prudent for your life, and remember that there’s consequences for each action.

@Unofficial_Member Well, sexual “purity” and being raped are two different things. If your culture doesn’t think so then I very much judge that culture. I guess women who are raped there, I’m sure it’s way way more than you think, never get to tell anyone. They can’t. They’ll be marked forever. Must be a free for all for bad men in your culture. They can do whatever they want and no one will know the horrible thing they did. What if it’s your daughter? You would probably know. She will suffer in silence. She has no future right? No man will marry her?

I guess women who are raped never can get justice where you are. They either live with the shame and isolatation with the violent act that happened to them, or they kill themselves. You can’t really think that’s ok. I don’t care if your culture values a Virgin, being raped is not a woman’s choice. She can choose to only have sex when married and still be raped against her will. Think about it.

I think women should get to choose whether or not they want to reveal if they were raped, the media shouldn’t put their face out there. We know about actresses who have been raped. Some have made that known. I don’t think anyone thinks less of them at all.

@JLeslie I agree that any women should have the freedom whether or not to reveal their rape story. My intention was just to give a warning to anyone who want to share their rape story that by doing so unforeseen consequences might follow. There are pros and cons of each action. However, it seems that the OP live in a liberal community that have better perception toward rape victims so I think my premonitions are not going to be that useful. But still, I think it’s prudent to contemplate every action we wish to perform.

^^If your culture is how you say then I understand why you suggested what you did. What I wonder at this point is what is your opinion of women who are raped , and your opinion about whether you think your culture is right about how they view women who have been victimized. Do you think it’s better if the culture is more understanding of rape victims?

^I personally think that a woman is still a woman, no less, whether or not she’s raped. I have a very realistic perspective in that sex is the privilege of anyone. That the desire and action for sex are natural desire of human. I think human are also animals, scientifically.

I definitely don’t agree with the custom that exists in my place but I have to be realistic and acknowledge the possible threats posed by its existence. I, of course, would love that my society are more open toward rape victims and expand their idea about women’s purity as well as sexual freedom. Not that what I said will ever change the mind of people that live in a heavily religious society.

In response JLeslie,

Perhaps you should have made it clear where you are from so people would have known where you’re coming from in your first answer. Having said that, after watching a few shows, I hope no one sees your more enlightened (depending on a person’s values I guess) views where you live.

On the question of whether to write your rapist. I think like others it is entirely up to you, also like others perhaps going to a therapist to talk about this issue would help. Thirty years is a long time to suffer so intensely. I understand somewhat, speaking as just myself, I wouldn’t want to. But then, I don’t really like confrontations too much. If you don’t mind confrontations, I don’t see what you would have to loose.