General Question

seVen's avatar

How are you/going to care for your elderly parents?

Asked by seVen (3445 points ) September 10th, 2008 from iPhone

Put them in a retirement home? Hire a stay at home care taker ?

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30 Answers

crunchaweezy's avatar

Sell them on ebay, just like the rest of my electronics. If they ain’t new, they’re out

glitterrrrfish's avatar

they’ll live with me in my mansion :)

sarapnsc's avatar

Unfortunately, both are deceased, so I will never know. Sniff, sniff…

tinyfaery's avatar

My mother already needs 24/7 care, which my father provides. I suppose my mom will die first, because of the illness, and my dad would never let anyone care for him. He’s just stubborn that way. Whatever happens, you can be sure I won’t forget how I was treated when I was their dependent, though it would probably be better if I did.

augustlan's avatar

My mother did not take care of me when she had the chance, and sadly I no longer have a relationship with her. I am her only child, too, so I have no idea what will become of her. My stepfather, on the other hand…whatever that man needs from me, he will get. I don’t think I could have him live with me, but nearby with lots of visits.

gailcalled's avatar

My mother will probably live forever so I assume she will start caring for me soon.

She moved to a really nice three-tiered staged community 13 years ago. It is about 30 minutes from my sis and me. My mother had a good long ride – fun, travel with boyfriend and few domestic responsibilities. She can move to assisted living, in the same facility, when she can no longer be independent. My sis and I now take her to all medical appointments and keep track of meds, larder, etc. Luckily we can scoot over for an hour or so and can split the responsibities (and we do agree, which helps.)

My father, who had a moderately severe case of Parkinson’s, took matters into his own hands when he was 73.

In truth, I expect Milo to remember when it is payback time.

babiturtle36's avatar

I live in a constant state of denile that my parents won’t be able to take care of themselves one day or even pass away, and I’m 28. I still feel as if I’m like a child and my parents will be as they are forever. When that time comes, I can only imagine how I will react.

gailcalled's avatar

@babirutle; Suggest to your parents while they are still healthy and competent that they think about what they would like when they get old, and possibly ill.

(denial)

JackAdams's avatar

My mother passed away in 1987, and I never had a father.

delirium's avatar

Knowing my parents, I have my doubts that they’ll need any sort of care. They’ll probably buy a cabin once I am old enough to have a hold on life, and they’ll hike a lot and be smart, cool, sprightly elders. I can’t wait to show them off to my kids, someday.

If they were to get ill, I would take care of them as necessary. There’s no question about that.

edit: I honestly doubt that my father will ever truly retire. He’s a naturalist and never stops moving. He really loves what he does. I think once he is done teaching, he’ll take more time for conservation and identification work. My mother takes care of other people, she always has. I don’t think that will really stop. She’s not the kind of person to rot away in retirement.

Staying active and having a purpose makes a person ageless, I think.

poofandmook's avatar

My mom? Eh… I think anyone who’s been following my posts knows that’s a question better not answered. She has my sister, if nothing else. But since my dad only has me, and he’s done way more for me than I’ve given him credit for… like taking me away from my drug addicted mother… I’ll take care of him any way I need to. But he’s actually done quite a bit to become healthier in the past year… including coming out to me last winter. I know that was a world of stress off his shoulders.

Allie's avatar

I don’t have to worry about my dad. He isn’t around. He’s alive, just not around. My mom on the other hand will live with me. I couldn’t imagine putting her in a place like a nursing home. I’m sure there are some good ones, but I’ve heard horror stories and don’t want that to happen to her at all. She will live with me.

mzgator's avatar

It will be my honor to take care of my parents in any way they want me to. I can’t see putting them into a nursing home ever. They took good care of me, so I will take good care of them when they need me. I hope that by me doing this for them, that my daughter will be there to help her parents when they need.

poofandmook's avatar

Everyone who’s insisting “no nursing homes ever!” I just want you to remember that as horrible as the thought seems, there are things that could happen with your parents that you really don’t have the power or money to deal with. Sometimes it’s safer for them to be in a controlled environment. I know… my family has BEEN there. More than once. First with my grandfather, who did go to a nursing home. But believe me he wasn’t dumped… he had so many visitors every day we were on first name basis with all the staff. Now we’re in the same boat with my grandmother. We’re trying letting her stay at home, to see if she can care for herself with a visiting nurse twice a day (she’s never alone though, we’ve got a friend of the family who’s slightly developmentally disabled who’s been living with her for over 30 years… so if she, say, falls, she’s not alone)... if that works, then we’re good.

Judi's avatar

I always felt secure knowing that no matter what happened I would always have a home because I thought my mom would live in the home I grew up in forever. When my mom lost her eyesight and couldn’t drive, I was inspired by the way she learned the bus routes, changed churches to be able to walk and used her imagination to stay connected to the world. When she began having a hard time walking, I was again inspired by how she found ways to travel and experience the world in spite of her mobility problems. When our big home became to much for her, I cried when she sold it and moved into an apartment. There was something unsettling about giving up the one place I always thought was my rock, even though I own 2 homes and several apartments. When I went earlier this year to move her into a retirement home, (Her choice, no pressure from family) I finally realized that we had come full circle. Now, I was in a position to tell my mom, “don’t worry mom, You always made sure I had a home when I was a kid and during my up and down early adulthood. Now it’s my turn to let you know that no mater what, you will always have a home with me. ”

susanc's avatar

I bought long-term care insurance so that if I have a long illness, I can be well cared for without unbearable cost to my kids. I waited till I was 65 to buy this, so it’s expensive. Better to look into it sooner. Or ask your parents to.
Dementia is the one thing that horrifies me to consider, because it’s not the kind of disease that requires you to be hooked up to machines. If I were hooked up to machines, my kids would pull the plug for me. With dementia they would have to find another way to kill me that would be more clearly murder. So, worst case scenario, I could end up being a demented old lady pooping in the closet and screaming at people who aren’t there and making myself horribly unpopular for years and years. I don’t want my kids to have to live with that. I want to be stowed in a place where their only job is to remember the old me, and make sure that people are being kind to the version that’s left over.

scamp's avatar

I cared for both my parents at home until their deaths. My daughter will most likely do the same with me. i too bought long term care insurance so she won’t have huge bills to pay.

Megan64's avatar

I’m going to have them live in my home with me.

marinelife's avatar

As I am finding out this year, there are a lot of things that you never imagine could happen. My mother was in perfect health until her first bout of pneumonia. It has been downhill fast since her second resulting in near death in May. The worst paart is that she is too well for a nursing home and too unwell to be alone.

She has refused to accept that she must use a walker. As a result, she fell several times, the last breaking her ankle in two places. She just had surgery this weekend. Now she will go for respite care with some additional aides required. Then, when she is mobile again (if we get her there—it has been a tough road), she will go into an assisted living facility.

Her attitude has been horrible. She has been petty, demanding, difficult with her aides, rude, and refuses to do her exercises or try to get better.It has been a lesson to me in how not to be when I get old. She was somewhat this way to a hugely less degree before. I have been stunned and saddened that it has brought out the very worst in her.

It has been a stressful year.

It has been hard to be part of and hard to watch.

susanc's avatar

I think a lot of us can tell, or will be able to tell, stories very like Marina’s. And I
wonder what it’s like to be very old, very disconnected from what we used to think of
as “life”, knowing we’re not needed, feeling ill, being scared. I think it must be
completely horrible. So… new question coming.

dynamicduo's avatar

My parents seem to be taking all avenues to secure their own fates with regards to long term care. I’ll let them decide what they want to do, and comply with their wishes as best as I can. But the way it’s going now, they’ll be fully sufficient to make their own decisions. I’m glad.

punkrockworld's avatar

My mom and dad have always been there for me so I would never just put them in a home, unless that’s what they want. I’d just hire a nurse or a caretaker in the house and keep them company.
It’s the least thing I can do, it might be expensive but I owe my parents that much. I really do =)

LouisianaGirl's avatar

Yes because they took care of me why not return the favor and because I love them dearly

Facade's avatar

They’ll be in an assisted living place, or (if I’m well off enough) they’ll have a nurse in their own home.

MerMaidBlu's avatar

My dad will expect me and my sister to wait on him hand and foot so it’s going to have to be whichever one of us is closer to him, my mom will do everything she can to take care of herself but would probably want a nurse to come to her house. My step dad is already getting kind of old but I think he would try to stay home as much as possible. Until he started becoming a burden to my mom, then I think he would do what he thought was easiest.

I’m going to try to follow their wishes as much as possible. Just depends on their state of health (mentally and physically) and what myself and my sibilings can do for them

Haleth's avatar

My dad is awesome. He says that he wants a rocking chair and a lake, and enough meds to keep him happy and drooling. I don’t know how well this works as far as a long-term plan.

gailcalled's avatar

@Haleth: Tell your dad his plan is excellent but to watch his step so he doesn’t break a hip or wrist. He should be doing bone-building exercises (you can heave dumbbells around in a rocker or wheel chair) and eating dark green leafy veggies for his calcium.

And doing xword puzzles, playing bridge, etc. to keep his brain nimble, as well.

Just_Justine's avatar

I think one needs to do that which is affordable and comfortable for them all round.

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sethm's avatar

The best route to take is buy long term care plans for your parents. Long-term care insurance generally covers home care, assisted living, adult daycare, nursing home, etc. You can choose between having a daily or monthly payment. It can be expensive but I still think it’s a good investment.

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