General Question

qualitycontrol's avatar

Why won't my girlfriend have sex with me?

Asked by qualitycontrol (2565 points ) September 10th, 2008 from iPhone

we hung out as friends for about a month before we started dating and have since been together for a month and a half. She isn’t a virgin but she said her last boyfriend used her for sex and then dumped her which is why she says she wants to wait. I just can’t help but wonder that there may be other reasons. I’ve shown her in so many ways how much I love and care about her. I guess she still doesn’t trust me though. It is so frustrating because I want to be closer to her. What can I do?

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69 Answers

Knotmyday's avatar

Don’t pressure her. And work on her immigration status. See, I remember…

LKidKyle1985's avatar

ever hear of a roofie-colata…. giigggity gig

augustlan's avatar

It’s only been a month and a half…give the girl a little time.

RandomMrdan's avatar

it probably isn’t a trust issue…she probably just doesn’t want the relationship to revolve around sex…believe me, I’ve had this problem too many times…I always seem to have sex too early in a relationship, and then I lose interest wayyyyyy too fast.

qualitycontrol's avatar

Sadly, there is no working on her immigrant status. Unless an illegal person is here with a visa, there is no way for them to become legal. They can’t even marry to become legal. Without a visa they don’t exist here. If I tried to get her legal by marrying her she would probably get deported. The only way would be for her to go back to her country and get a visa to come here which from what I’ve heard is almost impossible. But I’m in Loooooooooooooooooove!
I know I won’t lose interest in her afterwards…It makes me upset that she doesn’t want to go further because she likes to go half way and stop. It’s so tough because I feel like I’m not good enough or something. Like what’s wrong with me?

LKidKyle1985's avatar

i dont know what her home country is, but it wouldnt be that difficult to have go back there, get the paperwork filed for a marriage and have her apply for her visa then.
BUT, i wouldn’t recommend it, you sound kinda young. and Im sure its not you, its her. Give her the space, she will come around eventually.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

From my point of view, as a girl, and a girlfriend, 6 weeks is not that long! Show her you care by being patient.

Bri_L's avatar

@La chica gomela – testify sister

sndfreQ's avatar

I can identify on some levels with what you’re going through; it’s important to make sure that you guys are the right fit for each other. You should take stock of the relationship, of who she is as a person, and figure out if you can see this going long-term with her without considering sex as a deciding factor.

My suggestion for handling this situation (it’s a delicate one, but if she’s worth it to you may want to take it to heart):

-Let her know what you value in the relationship-all the great things about her other than sex that are important to you;

-Convey to her with sincerity that you understand her feelings and that you empathize with her and her reasons for wanting to wait;

-Then let her know that what you desire is to have a healthy, well-balanced and long-term relationship with her, and that you are willing to wait as long as necessary for her to be ready to open up to you in terms of intimacy;

-Stress to her that you value intimacy as a major part of taking the relationship to the next level of commitment, and that you are ready for that when the time is right for the both of you;

-Then, tell her that although you understand why her feelings were hurt by her last boyfriend, but that you are not him, and assure her that the “whole package” that you bring to this relationship will be reason enough for her to put that bad memory behind her and move on.

Finally, tell her that you are there for her and are ready to be “all things” to her when she is ready.

Never, ever give her an ultimatum, i.e., demanding sex by a deadline-big time turn off, especially if she is seeing your relationship as a potentially long-term one. You might as well throw in the towel if that’s what you’re thinking in this case. She’ll equate that line of reasoning to her last boyfriend, the concept from which you must dissociate yourself.

If either one of you doesn’t see the relationship going “long term” you need to resolve this with her asap, and move on if necessary.

qashqai's avatar

Use reverse psychology.
When I don’t want my girlfriend to do something, I just pray her to do it. And, almost instantly, she stop doing it.

(I have still to understand if she does it just to go against me all the time, but as far as she doesn’t catch me teasing her, for me is ok).

Try that. Works like a charme.

Hey! As Fluther says I look smashing today..

La_chica_gomela's avatar

Yeah, sex is exaaactly like when I stop tickling my boyfriend because he starts acting like he likes it….

AstroChuck's avatar

I don’t know. She won’t with me, either.

wildflower's avatar

Sex is not the only way you can be close to her. If you care about her as much as you say (and you’ve gotten over any doubts about her validity), take the time to become intimate on an emotional and intellectual level first – the other stuff will follow when you’re both ready!

EmpressPixie's avatar

Honestly, in some ways it doesn’t really matter. She’s not ready yet. Don’t pressure her. Tell her you are interested but willing to wait until she’s ready, then basically drop it. There are other ways to be close to her and show that you care. And telling her that might mean an awful lot.

MissAnthrope's avatar

If I’m not mistaken, your girlfriend comes from a country that has historically been predominantly Catholic. Many Latin/Hispanic cultures believe in chastity before marriage. So have some understanding that she comes from a culture that’s pretty different from yours. I think, also, the fact that she was used for sex and then dumped doesn’t help in this department. I can totally understand where she’s coming from.

I would respect her wishes and not mention it again. You can be physically affectionate without being sexual. Let things progress organically.. putting pressure on the situation will only make her want to back off more. You’d be surprised how nicely things can progress when the emphasis is placed elsewhere, such as how much you two like each other as people.

allengreen's avatar

Sounds like you are stuck in the “friend zone”.

scamp's avatar

I just love AstroChuck !!! He keeps me laughing every day.

allengreen's avatar

Is this the illegal Guatamalan girlfriend that you supervise at work?

The twists and turns are amazing—I feel like Dr Phil….are you fucking kidding me?

Is there anyone that has an ethical issue with this? Or am I an old, not with the times, fart?

Comedian's avatar

Whoa Whoa WHOA qualitycontrol. There ARE other ways of getting closer to a girl without having sex with her. Try putting yourself in her shoes and see where she is coming from. Plus, a relationship isn’t all about sex.

If she is a girlfriend, then you should wait till you get married to have sex. This is just my thinking, and feel free to disagree (in a nice way please), but if you want to have sex with someone shouldn’t you do it with someone you love and know will spend the rest of your life with? That is why I wear a purity ring.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

Ok, Comedian. I disagree.

I think sex can be a very nice part of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships if both parties want it to be.

I would never try to change your mind, by trying to get you to have sex with me, or with anyone, but me, I’m not going to be abstinent just because someone else thinks I should. So I think we can agree to disagree about that. I promise not to try to convert you, if you don’t try it with me.

But even people who are not “abstinent” often wait until they feel completely safe and comfortable with their parter before having sex with them. I think this is an excellent idea.

If I’m considering doing it, I don’t have to have decided whether I want to spend the rest of my life with the person, but I have to feel completely and absolutely comfortable, and sometimes that only happens through time.

AstroChuck's avatar

Well said, LCG.

stephen's avatar

its really sucks,sex is important but not mean everything,sounds like the point is she dont trust u ,so show her how u love her if u really do.

scamp's avatar

In your other thread you said: “I don’t have any doubts at all. This girl is a Queen to me and I would do anything for her because she is just so special.”

If that’s really true wait until she is ready and stop pressuring her for sex.

allengreen's avatar

nice scamp, perfect!

scamp's avatar

Thanks allengreen! You and I are on a roll!!

Comedian's avatar

@LCG: thank you for being nice about your disagreement. you have your opinion and I have mine. I said what I said because that’s how I was raised and go to a Christian school so I learn it from the bible. But let’s stop there before it turns into a religious argument, since that’s not what the thread is about lol :)

allengreen's avatar

Don’t the bible people do anal and oral at a much greater percentage because it is not technically sex? I live in a nut-case, I mean very fundamentalist conservative district where pharmacists don’t fill perscriptions for birth control, abstence only is taught in schools, and there were reports last year about soaring rates of anal and throat diseases among teens and preteens, I think it was gonneria (you know, the Gon-o-ka-ka-khackus! )
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/frank+zappa/why+does+it+hurt+when+i+pee_20056747.html

The do the anal but not the vaginal, curious, I say…..don’t break that pledge from that purity ball with daddy…....

qualitycontrol's avatar

I do not pressure her but we have come to close to having sex and she will just stop and I’ll ask her what’s wrong and she says “I’m sorry I just need more time” which I completely understand. I can give her all the time she needs and I told her that too. We were in bed together and I said to her that I will wait forever for you. I just have issues in my own head because I feel unloved and ugly when a girl doesn’t want to. This leads to me feeling extremely depressed because I was seeing this girl once that didn’t want to. She said she wasn’t ready but I found she was doing it with a friend of mine and just using me to feel good about herself because I treated her really well. I can wait it’s just really, really hard. But I’ve never been with anyone that I feel this strongly about I can definitely see us growing old together. I know we haven’t been together very long and I am young (20 years old on Monday!) but I do love her very, very much. I know sex is very special to her I just feel unwanted sometimes which kills me.
I understand about her culture and not only are they very religious people they also have a very old fashioned way of doing things which also plays a role. For example women are still subservient to men in their culture but here I know that would never fly. Many of the older women I work with tell me how they aren’t allowed to have friends of the opposite sex because their husband will be upset and they always cook and clean for them no matter what. I have a hard time believing it myself because I was raised that everyone is equal and further more that women can do whatever they want. I live on my own and cook and clean for myself which I wouldn’t want my wife to that for me, if anything I should be the one cleaning and cooking for her because she is number 1 and I’m number 2.

sndfreQ's avatar

Yes…I can understand what you are saying about cultural divides. Half of my family still resides in the Philippinies and they very much subscribe to those standards (especially being a Catholic-dominant society). You really need to tell her everything you just told us, as that last post seemed to explain everything you’re feeling.

Thoughts and feelings of rejection on your part are a major piece of the puzzle, and the “baggage” you carry into this relationship must be worked on too. I can see that you too shared some hurt feelings (betrayal, dishonesty), that may be triggered when you find yourself in an intimate situation with her.

The next time you two are together in that setting, instead of trying to “push the envelope,” you need to ease up and with her close to you (physically), just talk with her about your background and why you feel the rejection is much more than just something affecting her and her issues from the past. It will do a lot of good for you, and perhaps help you see that she can ease your mind and help you through some of those bad feelings in other ways beside sex.

Having been with the same (and only) woman for nearly 19 years now, I see that as life goes on, both partners have “rhythms” of drive, needs and wants in terms of intimacy. You have to come to terms with that and accept that as much as you don’t want someone to change you, you shouldn’t feel you should change your partner.

Someone else mentioned earlier-realize the only person you can change is you.

Lastly, try to work with your partner to find other ways to express your closeness to her. In terms of intimacy, cuddling/spooning, massages (back rubs, etc.), trips out to nature, art, or culture, can be wonderful ways to explore each other and learn to enjoy the “whole” person, to help move the reletionship beyond just “dating.”

Good luck with that. It’s a lot of work but remember your life together can be filled with great experiences, that bring you closer to each other and build on that personal intimacy and trust that you’ll both value and cherish.

allengreen's avatar

marry her?

qualitycontrol's avatar

I will marry her but I need to finish school first and find a better paying job so I can buy a big big big house for my little jelly bean

XrayGirl's avatar

QC: you must decide if she is worth waiting for or not, and then act accordingly. wish you the best. If she is worth waiting for , you might be glad you waited..

qualitycontrol's avatar

@XrayGirl: I’ve already decided that she is worth waiting for. Now I just have to wait. I’m just a very impatient person but my feelings for her override that. thanks for your advice ;)

La_chica_gomela's avatar

QC, I definitely understand about feeling rejected etc, when you get close, but then she wants to stop. That feeling happens to people of both genders (It’s happened to me).

Maybe you could talk to her about this feeling (at a time when you’re not being intimate so she won’t feel like you’re just saying it to try to get her to take it further). And maybe the two of you could talk about it.

I’m sure she is does not mean to make you feel this way, and I’m sure hearing that from her would be more reassuring than from me.

And also maybe you two could figure out how to be intimate without it leading to you feeling bad. Perhaps you could agree on how far it will go beforehand, and then you won’t be taken by surprise.

She sounds like a great girl. Congratulations on finding someone really special!

allengreen's avatar

Dude, squeeze one off just to take the pressure off…...

qualitycontrol's avatar

thankyou chica ;)

qualitycontrol's avatar

Well, I told her how it makes me feel when she doesn’t want to go further. I guess this made her feel really guilty. As I dropped her off at her house she invited me in and asked if I had protection with me. But I refused because I knew she still wasn’t ready. I could just tell and I told her I could give her all the time she needed and that I will wait for when she is ready. This made her very happy. What I don’t get is how it was so easy for her to change her mind and just decide to do this with me. Was it because she just felt bad for me or because she actually wanted to? Or did she just want to make me feel better? I didn’t want to go sleep with her just because she felt bad or wanted to make me feel better. I want her to want to make love too. Does that sound crazy to you? Sometimes I think I’m not normal…

Bri_L's avatar

Nope not crazy. just respectful. Being a man. your treating her right bud. keep it up.

sndfreQ's avatar

What Bri_L said, and I’ll add that she is probably relating to you on a different level because you have revealed that you too are vulnerable and that your head is in it as well as your heart. Keep it real with her and she’ll also come to realize that you’re both on the same wavelength with this.

scamp's avatar

I’m very proud of you for turning her down! She probably thought she would lose you if she didn’t give in that night, and you just proved your unconditional love for her. I have one more suggestion. Tell her you will wait until she says she is ready, and won’t assume any different until then. By that I mean tell her you will always stop unless she tells you in so many words that she is ready and she ‘wants’ you. That way, you can be intimate without the sex, and the pressure will be off.

I have a feeling that after doing that for awhile, she will see she can fully trust you, and she will tell you she is ready. It sounds like you have a very special relationship with this girl, so if you are patient and play your cards right, you will have the rest of your life with her. Try to just savor the time you have with her, and know that in time she will more than likely reward you with all of her love, emotional and physical.

She may be holding back because she doesn’t want to tarnish what you already have together. Sex can complicate things. Enjoy the simple life while you still can! Best of luck to you both.

sndfreQ's avatar

scamp is right on with that assessment! The exciting and surprising thing about a life-long commitment is learning that to find that balance and understanding of what it means to be “intimate.”

In its broader definition, personal intimacy (getting to know and bonding with the “whole person”), will strengthen and define the foundation of your union; you’ll be far ahead of the pack if you both invest your energy to learn to be emotionally intimate before the physical.

As time goes on, you’ll learn of other means of intimacy-spiritual, deep love (as in the love you can share when you start a family), and enduring the challenges of life together (dealing with loss, growing old, etc.)

Those fortunate enough to experience this when finding a “soul mate” will find that the companionship enriches you as a person, and that bond with the “whole person” becomes a force that teaches and reveals to you all that is beautiful in life.

qualitycontrol's avatar

Thanks for the comments guys I appreciate it. I knew I had to turn her down that night, it was the only way to show her that I’m into her for her and I guess she realized it. I told her I would wait for her until forever and we are only going to do it when SHE wants not when I want because she’s number 1. The next time we saw each other we made love. But I asked her a million times if she was sure and if it was ok. And I didn’t try either we were just cuddling normally and then she wanted to. We have only been together for 2 months but have already gone through a lot of emotional bonding together. She really loves me and I love her and I don’t think I can picture myself with someone else. It’s scary because I am only 20 years old but what I really need is the love, not the sex so other girls aren’t even appealing to me anymore. I am in loooove! Now, onto the next problem….what am I going to do for her birthday!??!

asmonet's avatar

You, my dear boy, have inherited baggage. Be patient, she’ll love you all the more.

Ah, I jumped ahead a bit, and skipped some…looks like it worked out for you, woo!

scamp's avatar

Where do you live? I think you should take her somewhere special so she can see just how much you put her on a pdestal. If you tell me what area you live in, I will try to come up with some suggestions for you. My SO has taken me to some pretty wonderful places, and the memories of those trips are the greatest gift to me. He’s pretty inventive, and is good at finding things that don’t have to cost a bundle to be enjoyable.

If you don’t want to post where you live on the open board, feel free to pm me, and I’ll see what I can come up with for you.

qualitycontrol's avatar

I live just north of Boston

sundayBastard's avatar

3 months total? What’s the rush? just keep jacking off dude. the time will cum.

thatswhatshesaid's avatar

Sex is a HUGE deal; it’s the closest two people can get without killing each other.
I think she might be testing you. I mean, if I got screwed over by my last boyfriend, after having had sex with him, I would be a little weary of jumping into it again too!
And what may seem an eternity to you is a short time for a woman, especially when it’s concerning sex.
So hang in there bud. She will eventually do it with you, but she needs her space right now, and needs your support by not having you push it on her 24/7.

chicadelplaya's avatar

MAYBE she is just not that attracted to you. SORRY. That doesn’t mean you’re not totally hot. Or MAYBE she has some intimacy issues. Hard to say.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

Dulce chica del playa and that’s whathesaid, first of all, welcome to the collective!

You might want to start reading the previous responses. His girlfriend came around. They’re happily copulating. All his problems have been solved (almost).

:)

chicadelplaya's avatar

opps. Thanks for the tip, chica! :-)

qualitycontrol's avatar

thanks for the responses. Each day we grow closer together and she is opening up more. She is such an introvert but that’s ok because I am too ;) She likes me more every time we see each other and she seems to be getting more into the physical aspect of things which is nice because if we don’t, it physically hurts me. I can’t even describe the pain of what some of us guys call “blue balls” to describe what happens when you’re ready to have sex and the girl stops. It hurts more than anything to the point where I’m almost at tears. These past few months I have just wanted to relieve the pain I feel when I’m around her more than just bang all the time. But things are goin really well so far. Thanks for the advice.

Jack79's avatar

sorry just realised my answer was irrelevant-good luck mate! :)

macgeek2005's avatar

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost 6 months and we haven’t had sex yet. It’s been hard for me to wait, but I love her and I want to be with her, so I never thought of dumping her as an option. She wants to wait at least another year, and i’m now fine with that. I don’t want to do it with her before she’s ready. By the way, she’s only 16.

qualitycontrol's avatar

16 is really young to have sex, especially for a girl. I don’t think guys care as much. I gave my gf plenty of time and let her know that I would be there if she had sex with me or if she didn’t. Even after we had done it the first time, she still didn’t trust me and we kept having little fights about it until we almost broke up…At that point I told her I’d rather be with her fighting than not at all cuz I love her. We’ve been together for 5 months now and we have gotten a lot closer in bed and out and things are going great. She didn’t want to be used like her last boyfriend did to her so she didn’t trust me at first. it’s important to build a strong bond of trust with your girl. if you’re a good guy like me then this won’t be a problem. A lot of scum bag guys ruin girls…I for one am unable to do one night stands…I guess I’m just sensitive or something idk. Any way good luck.

spadeladon's avatar

Hm. a month, five months, six months… Guys I have been waiting a year and five and a half months. It has been causing such incredible amounts of stress. I love this girl and have no intentions of leaving her ever. We have planned our futures together, named our children, set out a path for our dreams. Designed our perfect home. Fought till tears blinded my eyes (of course i try not to let her see that lol) made up. (of course i am always wrong… except those occasional times) We have come so close, so many times. We have been physical so many other ways. (no oral or anal) We have compromised on everything possible. We have been through so much together, and yet she is not ready for sex. We are both virgins there is no background of betrayal. We love each other to the ends of infinity. She tells me she is comfortable enough, and trusts me enough to have sex with me. I ask if i am not attractive enough, and she laughs at me in response and tells me that is definitely not it. She has Dreams about us having sex. But she says she is not ready. Her body tells her yes, but she forces her mind to say no. I don’t understand. She gives me mixed signals, pulling me in every direction. Tormenting me from moment to moment. Some nights i cry myself to sleep, softly of course. I have been patient for this long, and still i wait. But my heart can’t take this much more. My mind is raging with questions. I have even become depressed it feels. What is wrong with me, if she loves me, if she trusts me, if shes comfortable. I know it isn’t because i’m ugly, because it definitely isn’t so. She knows i trust her,I love her, and she is one of the very few people i feel comfortable around. Her dreams indicate the want, her body, and heart do too. So some one please tell me why she isn’t ready?

asmonet's avatar

@spade: If she’s that unsure about her reasoning, she’s not ready for sex. regardless of what her mind, body or heart are telling her.

spadeladon's avatar

i understand which is why i am still waiting. can’t help but be frustrated though. She doesn’t make it easy with how she teases.

Pango_Vine's avatar

@spade: AH! She sounds like me! lol. Believe me though, its not just aggravating for you guys. It is for us chicas too!

crazyleaf's avatar

Try ignoring her for a while. This always works. It messes up her routine.

asmonet's avatar

@crazyleaf: And that is how you lose a good woman. Mind games will always backfire.

Knotmyday's avatar

I agree, As. That would just give her more time to reflect upon what a dick her boyfriend is (and her girlfriends the opportunity to persuade her to dump him in favor of someone nicer, better looking, well hung, with better earning potential…)

asmonet's avatar

@Knotmyday: Exactly, I honestly don’t understand some behavior. drama drama drama

crazyleaf's avatar

Well… if she thinks like that you don’t need a person like that in the first place.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

she’s cheating for 500 alex…

dizzy_k17's avatar

I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 7 months now and we are in a long distance relationship and only get to see each other once or twice a week. We have been intimimate one time and one time only. After it happened she began to feel guilty and bad and since has told me she just wants to wait til marriage. I have a high sex drive and can’t see myself not having sex for another 2 to 3 years while we both finish grad school and move on with our prospective careers. She know’s how i feel and doesn’t do anything to compromise, because there are other forms of intimacy other than “intercourse” and we haven’t explored those avenues and she knows that i’d like to. I believe that she is willing to try some other forms but we’ll see.

I have read everyones posts and gotten some good advice. Sex isn’t the most important thing but it is important to me. I have heard things like making her number 1, I dont have a problem with putting her needs before mine, but shouldnt she have those same feelings about me. if i tell her thats something i need or require, shouldn’t she be trying to meet those needs of mine too if she loves and cares for me and wants to make me happy. shouldnt she give up some of her happiness to make me happy? just like some of you are saying i should do for her. who’s needs are more important? arent they equal therefore compromises should be made.

TommyLeeJones's avatar

To: The Question, this might come off rough but face it.
you have been with her for a month in a half and you are already bumming for sex? lol wow no wonder.. maybe you should look at your self stupidity and reasonably think, what else can I do for her? that doesn’t involve my selfish attitude…

Join the club dude. Cold showers work.

Beargyi's avatar

I agree marry her you can get sex from her

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. You want to be closer to her make her feel closer to you by appearing as more than meat, that there are things you two can do other than sex to be closer. And if you want to get her to trust you show her you can wait and to so GLADLY.

ppppeter's avatar

try 10 months

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