Can heterosexual men and women be just friends?

My best friend is a gay male. My second best friend is also a gay male. Does that factor into your data?

I do just fine with a lot of my male friends – I tend to not get along with other females very well at all.

I’m beginning to think not, myself. Not if there’s any kind of attraction, anyway. So, if they’re gay, yeah.

Edited just for you, G.

@Niki: Too late for me to edit my response. For me, at least, there was always some spark between me and my male friends (back when I was sparking more. It is still true to some extent. We flirt, but that is just to remind ourselves of our giddy youth. Guys my age are looking for a nurse with a purse.)

I also felt, very clearly, that there was a very subtle and tacit sexual attraction between me and my good woman friends.

Almost all of my friends are hetero or bi men. If we’re not actually friends, then I don’t have any… :(

Yup, no problem at all.

I have a couple very good women friends.

I have plenty of heterosexual male friends that I have no interest in romantically, and I’m sure they feel the same way.

I know I seem to do better with having male roommates as well.

My mother never learned how to have good women friends; after my father’s death (in 1980) and then her boyfriend at 94 in 2005, Ma is rattling around alone and lonely in an Independent Living Facility filled with nice, lively and interesting women.

If there is any problem, it usually comes from the guy’s prospective. In my youth I found if you are friendly, many men assume you are coming on to them. You positively couldn’t initiate any social event like going to dinner or just hanging out like you could with female friends because they didn’t get “platonic”

I found it was easier to be friends with guys who were unavailable. Either gay or attached to friends or relatives.

Being an old broad today opens up a whole range of friendships. I became a master teacher to a guy 30 years younger and then he was there when I had a bad health experience. Now 5 years later our relationship has changed and we are friends. I have always have had male work friends. That is we started out with a work relationship but eventually shared other interests.

My very best friend is a guy. My boyfriend and he have also become quite close after I introduced them. We always clear our relationship with our love interests before agreeing to date them; if they have a problem with the fact that we are bffs, then we end it before it starts.

i have a good male friend who is married, and i’m also friendly with his wife, but mainly with him. when i go to their house to visit, i sit in living room with him, when i call, it’s to talk to him. my ex boyfriend is as good friend of his, so we all keep in touch and get together now and then.

i am friendly with some coworkers who are male – we go out to lunch and stuff. a few years ago, i drove one of them home after us coworkers were out drinking and i shoved my tongue down my throat as a test and he accepted it (it was a test because he’s married – we were in his driveway, too, which was ballsy on my part and his).

Galileogirl has pointed out a very key thing – being friends with already-attached males is much easier than unattached. Otherwise it’s like you go through confusing stages before reaching the “just friends” stage.

I think Harry Burns said it best.

;)

I have many male friends. It’s not weird at all. Some of them are actually my ex-boyfriends, and some of them I met through my ex-boyfriends. A few are just guys I get along with, and one of them is gay. I don’t have any problems being friends with any of them, but just to keep questions from being asked I usually try to hang out with them in groups. I like having guy friends because they can answer a lot of my relationship questions my girl friends can’t. :)

i’m married but i seem to have more female acquaintances than usual. in my profession, partners can easily be the opposite sex and if you wanna have good back up, you dont care if it’s male or female. i tend to be somewhat flirty, but thats as far as it goes.

I’ve never had any problems being friends with the opposite gender. Either before or since marriage.

Why do we make these generalizations? Some heterosexual men and women can just be friends. Some can’t. It depends on the man and the woman.

Sure—especially if they’ve been married to each other for a long time. ;)

(Sorry, not trying to be thick, but) I do not compute this question.

jca, you said, “a few years ago, i drove one of them home after us coworkers were out drinking and i shoved my tongue down my throat as a test and he accepted it (it was a test because he’s married – we were in his driveway, too, which was ballsy on my part and his).”

You shoved your tongue down your own throat?

chica: good catch. i shoved it down HIS throat!

woops. sorry.

Sure! I see it on TV all the time!

Jca, what was the test? To see if your friend was willing to cheat on his wife? Is that how you choose your friends?

I have female friends and there are no issues. Of course I am married so that probably plays a role as Galileogirl points out.

I’m not so sure if I was single.

I think they can. If there is a low level of attraction but both people are mature, flirting is fun and harmless. I have lots of male friends. Sure, I’m attracted to most of them, but not enough to actually do anything about it. I enjoy the spark…it’s all just energy that keeps life engaging.

I have lots of guy friends and some of them are very close friends. I always did when I was single too. Occasionally, someone starts to have feelings which messes it up.

My guess would be yes, but for a guy to spend time with a girl, means he wants something from her. Whether she gives in or not. A guy is not going to spend time with a girl he doesnt want to fuck. I know that for a fact. Girls think they can be a homieee but guys will never look at them as one. You’ll be tha hoee

i believe they can. i mostly get along better with guys then girls. I haven’t done anything with any of my guy friends. and i hang out with guys all the time

yes

Maybe it’s just the situations I’m in, but as soon as I tell a potential new male friend I’m married (hell, even the grocery clerk) the face falls and the conversation is dead. Other married men don’t seem to want to be my friend either.

@nocountry2 – do any of the new male friends get over it and stick around? They may feel intimidated by the idea.

Intimidated? I seem to have better luck with co-workers. Also, it seems to help if I make an effort to be especially nice and non-threatening to the wife/gf.

Intimidated as in you have a husband, he might not like it (not accepting the fact your an intelligent person who cane decide on her own).

And stick around as in, you look lovely so I would assume there is an initial let down because they had interest. I was wondering if any of them come back after getting over the discovery and become friends anyway.

Aww shucks ;)

I guess my husband can be a little intimidating, and a little jealous, but I think all spouses can get a little jealous over opposite-sex friendships. I think the concern is that if you get to be TOO good of friends, why are you investing energy into that friendship rather than the one with your spouse?

My husband is constantly around pretty, inebriated women for his work, and while I occasionally get jealous over them slobbering all over him I think I would feel much more threatened by a pretty girl that he became emotionally close to over a long-term basis. Most of his female friends are from “the olden days”, even a few old girlfriends, but now married.

I can hardly think of a male friend that I have not had a crush on or who has not had a crush on me except for those that are in relationships, engaged, or married.

Can you just be friends and still want to have sex?

@Bri_L: That is a damn good question. What do you think? And can you be friends, have sex, and stay just friends?

I think so. I have friends that are good friends. Would I like to have sex with them? You bet ya. Do I HAVE to? Nope. Im cool with not. It in now way effects our friendship one way or the other.

I agree with Bri L. I think it’s a fundamental flaw in Billy Kristal’s character’s arguement. Maybe that guy can’t be friends with a woman he wants to get jiggy with, but not everyone is him.

Bri L, and I’m sure plenty of other guys (like at least 3 of my guy friends that I can think of off the top of my head) can be very attracted to a woman and also be close friends for years.

@Bri_L and La_chica_gomela: I guess I’m asking—okay, now suppose you DID act on that attraction—could you stay just friends? Or does one person inevitably get attached?

I would probably feel uncomfortable around the person after that, whichever side I was on…so yeah, it could kill the friendship if one person did act on it.

why did you link to that question? What’s the connection?

I don’t HAVE sex with people unless I am serious. I was a virgin until I was 20. And only had actual sex with 2 people.

So I guess I am not the best to answer

Bri L, I didn’t think she was necesarily talking about having sex with them; she just said “act on the attraction”. I took it as like, if one of my males friends said something like, “You are so hott. I would really like to…” or just tried to kiss me or something. Or to be fair, if I tried to kiss them…(which I wouldn’t, Tim!)

OH, hehe. never mind.
I have never become attached like that.

@la_chica_gomela: I guess I am trying to suggest that if you enter into a sexual FWB relationship, it seems like one or both of you is going to get attached. But I was hoping for some anecdotal evidence either way.

I revert to my previous answer

Ah, then I revert to Bri L’s answer, as well. :)
(Most of it, anyway)

Yes, heterosexual men and women can be just friends.

Absolutely, as long as the line between friend and “more” is never crossed. My best friend for the past 3 1/2 years has been a heterosexual male. It is actually a better friendship than any I have ever had with another female (except maybe my sister – but that’s a blood bond).

A DarkeSword pointed out, from the movie ‘When Harry met Sally’:

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail ‘em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.

Reencounting themselves years later-

Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn’t believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that… Yes, that’s right, they can’t be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can… This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted… That doesn’t work either, because what happens then is, the person you’re involved with can’t understand why you need to be friends with the person you’re just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say “No, no, no it’s not true, nothing is missing from the relationship,” the person you’re involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you’re just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let’s face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can’t be friends.

Which then years later ends as…

Harry Burns: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.
Sally Albright: What?
Harry Burns: I love you.
Sally Albright: How do you expect me to respond to this?
Harry Burns: How about, you love me too.
Sally Albright: How about, I’m leaving.

then…

Harry Burns: I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Sally Albright: You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you.

So, were they just friends if they ended getting married? Who cares! Anyone trying to fit EVERYONE into a cookiemold of behaviour is delussional. At the beginning of the movie and throughout we hear stories of people getting hitched after knowing each other one month, other after years passed between meeting eachother. I’m living my own WHMS moment and gotta tell you, there is no playbook to help sort this out. We are all unique, with our own idiosyncracies, prejudices, expectations and more. To each the pleasure/burden of figuring what is the best course of action. Just remember that other famous movie line – which may or not have anything to do with all the above, but what the heck:
”...I don’t believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart.”
Bull Dhuram

Yes, assuming one of them is really really ugly. And even then, it’s more than likely that this ugly one will at some point fall in love with the not-so-ugly one.

This doesn’t mean that I haven’t had tonnes of female friends throughout the years. But the element or at least possibility of flirting was always there, even if it never amounted to anything. At least one of us (and in many cases both) thought of moving the relationship beyond friendship at some point, in most if not all of these cases. I believe it’s part of human nature, and it is also the fact that we are civilised (or social convention if you so wish to call it) that inhibits us.

In rare instances, yes. Some people, like me, grew up with my next door neighbors like they were my brothers. We’re grown now but we’re friends and that’s all it’ll ever be. Now, these new-found friendships grown people create… I don’t feel like they’re ever 100% pure. You befriended them because you were either physically or mentally attracted to them. If they’re close to you, that’s even worse. I think people should just be real…you’re not fooling anybody with the “that’s just my friend roll”. You never know why people decided to just be “friends”. They may even just be waiting around for your relationship to crash and then all of a sudden it’ll be “well, we’ve been friends and i’ve never thought of you like this but…” so i think it’s bull!

I’ve been thinking for months about how to answer this question because I feel so strongly about it. I still don’t have an answer, but I need to say something.

If it were true that you could not be friends with someone you had the potential to be attracted to, then wouldn’t that necessarily imply that lesbians can’t be friends? Gays can’t be friends? Bisexuals aren’t allowed to have any “just friends” at all.

I’m attracted to individuals not entire genders. Just because I’m attracted to women doesn’t mean that I’m romantically/sexually attracted to all women. And not being romantically/sexually attracted to someone does not preclude me from being their friend. (If it did, I think we’d need a different definition of friend that would render this question pretty useless!) So in all probability—and I can confirm this empirically—there are women who exist who I am simultaneously not interested in romantically/sexually, but am still able to be friends with.

Four of my co-workers are females, and we are friends. I don’t see a problem with hetero men and women being just friends. We are friends outside of work as well. Of course, we are all over 40 (except for one) and I think that older people have an easier time being friends with members of the opposite sex. I’m not sexually attracted to any of them, not even the younger one. Of course, maybe it’s the uniform, if I saw her in a bikini, that might change things. :-)

I dunno, I used to think they could. I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years, and now some of these strictly “platonic” friends are asking me out. So I dunno it is a strange and weird world we live in!

Yes its very possible. I have a lot of male friends that I’m very close with. I actually perfer guys as friends. I dont get along with very many other females. I’ve always been a guys girl and enjoy watching football and playing pool. I just never know what to talk to other girls about. My guy friends we always flirt back and forth but never take it further. It kind of makes it fun cause you get to flirt but dont have to worry about taking the next step.

Yes. If one is married.

Yes. Best friends? That’s tough. But if both are already in happy, stable relationships, sure.

no!

I know that gay guys can be just friends without ever having any penile contact… so I would assume guys and girls can be friends without anything sexual.

As long as they aren’t teenagers.

Yes. The sexual issue will have to be addressed at some point, but a strong friendship is possible and very precious.

I have discovered that age difference is definitely a barrier. My “best friend” is 19 years younger than me. When you take into account the “When Harry Met Sally” conversation, I think it’s true that we can’t be just friends.
I’ve known him for 4 years, and I’m beginning to feel like I’m wasting my time training an untrainable dog. Not to say that it’s my job to train him. It just gets to be a bit overwhelming when I ask for a favor to be returned, or I ask him point blank not to lie to me, and he flips out and calls me a crazy bitch. Not much of a friend.
His behavior has everything to do with his age, but I don’t think I have enough time left on Earth to wait for him to catch up to me.
If he’s the right guy, yes I can be “just friends.” Most of my male friends are gay, though, so I don’t have a wide survey to compare against.

Just as a data point for you. I have no real friendships F2F, the nearest to a friend is lesbian.

I’m seventeen year old girl.

So, my best friend in the world is a boy. It’s a long-distance friendship, but he means more to me than anyone else in the world. My love for him could expand into something else, but being his friend is enough and has been enough for three years.

Another close male friend of mine is an ex-boyfriend that wasn’t only a friend to me until after we dated. Now I can’t imagine him being anything other than a friend.

Two other male friends of mine, whom I met through the ex, I would date. However, they are not attracted to me and only have friendly feelings towards me.

To those whom said the boy is usually the issue, I stand as a blatant example against that.

I think it is more possible if both are in a good relationship. If both of their relationships are rocky than it will definetly be hard for them to be just friends, unless it happens that neither are attracted to each other at all.
I’ve had guy friends who I adored, but they never could make it past the brother stage. Once in that dead zone, there is no going forward.
Hollywood likes to pretend these friendships can blossom but any guy in the brother zone or sister zone can never be changed.
Now the rest just depends on the persons loyalty. My husband has female friends, and I may not trust some of them but I trust him.
Its been years since I had guy friends. Did some of them flirt with me when I was newly married. Yes, but it never mattered what they did. I only saw them as friends.
And not everyone that flirts means to enter a relationship with anyone. I had plenty of guy friends before I was married who flirted with me and I with them, but neither one of us were really interested in each other and it never went beyond the harmless flirting, even when we would both be single at the same time.
Not all friends are your type. What makes them a friend in the first place is sometimes the last thing that will ever make them a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Of course, as we are people first, and people need friendship, not just sexual or romantic relationships.

I believe so. I always got along better with guys than girls…my husband is my best friend. In Middle and High school I did run into a couple of those issues where, I had been friends with a guy for a couple years, he says he loves me, I decide to give it a shot, first time we kiss we both wiped our mouthes and said ” okay, that was weird” he’s still one of my best friends, I’m godmother to his 5 kids and get along well with his wife. If your friends no matter the gender than you just have to BE friends…. I think as long as your good friends and are honest with eachother it can always work out.