Who can make me laugh?

a penguin walks into a bar

ouch!!

Richard Simmons.

That’s a joke.

Is this a contest or something? Are there prizes? Tech stuff? iPhones? Bling? Long-legged scantily clad women in fuck-me heels?

Daloon, I was under the impression you were not one to be tempted by such things?

I mean, if boobs don’t do it for you, might I add that I also am in possession of some fantastic gams? Utterly fantastic.

Ha! I almost wrote in my last post I couldn’t wait for the lovable and hilarious AC to come along, and there he is… ten seconds later. :)

What’s long and purple and makes women scream at night?

A baby with SIDS.

@ac: Good one, I liked it but coming from a litte boy it’s a bit disturbing.

Okay. Here’s one of my favorites:

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his wife on the road?

@asmonet: I don’t know if you saw that question about precum, where folks are discussing how to delay… uh… satisfaction? There is not an inch of the female form that I don’t admire, and it’s not that your little self-descriptions aren’t tempting—indeed, very tempting….. but (you knew there had to be a but coming, right?), let’s just say this: I have really strong pelvic muscles.

Not I. I can’t. Nothing is funny. There is nothing funny anywhere in the world. People aren’t funny. Noses and toes aren’t funny, and ears aren’t funny. Just look at them and you have to admit they are very serious. Clams aren’t funny, nor frilled lizards, warthogs, or chameleons. Don’t even get started with kittens and monkeys. You won’t crack a smile. In fact, I am thinking about moles and aardvarks right now and getting really depressed, and if somebody even comes up and whispers “hair” to me I’ll probably just burst into tears.

@daloon: Did you know lemonade burns when you accidentally snort it through your nose? I hadn’t thought about it until about thirty seconds ago. Haha…Ouch. How’s that for tempting? ;P

@ac: Haha…gross. :D

AC: i’ve been reading the last one you left…I don’t get it haha but um someone give me a video or idk come on I know someone can do this I’ll follow you around and give you mad lurve haha

@adri- He (the cannibal)passed his wife.

As Monet goes, so go the rest of the impressionists.

you know, dear asmonet, the story you’re looking for is already here, somewhere. In elaborate detail, I believe. I think I told it early on in my fluther career

oh yeah. wow. Snorting lemonade. I don’t see how anything could be more tempting. I’m going back to my cave.

I’ve been told I have a good sense of humor. No one ever told me my sense of humor was dangerous, before.

Astrochuckles:
Yeah….no, I feel extremely stupid.
I’m ok with racist jokes just send them in a PRIVATE comment I know people have many of those and I don’t want anyone to get offended

two guys are out hunting, one of them gets bit by a venomous snake and falls to the ground, not moving. The other hunter quickly calls 911 on his cell phone and says, “My hunting buddy just got bit my a snake and he’s dead.” The operator says, “Calm down, I can help, first we have to make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy gets back on the phone and says, “Okay, now what?”

@adri- What was racist about that?

AC: nothing I’m just putting it out there.

Why do women put on makeup and perfume?

Because they’re ugly and they stink.

I wear make-up Astro, friendship re-terminated. At least I’m just ugly, I can dig a boy coming from behind. TMI?

@daloon: The search is on! And because you said that the temptations must cease cause I can get my jollies elsewhere. And I was all prepared to make a ‘dangerous curves’ remark. You lose!

@asmonet what are gams?

@lyn: Sexy legs!

I have never heard of that!

@adri027, have you laughed yet?

Now, you have. :D

Mmmm…gams.

My Dad’s joke was, “Nice gams. How ‘bout I introduce you ankles to my ears.”

hahaha ASTROCHUCK!! You did it!

Two guys are having a drink at a bar. The one guy asks,“So, Bob. Where were you last night?”
Bob replies, “Oh, Man! You wouldn’t believe the night I had, Dan!”
“Yeah? What happened.”
“Well,” Bob explains, “After I left here I ran into this girl who was tied to the railroad tracks. I hurried over and untied her. I ended up taking her home with me. Man, I must have tried every sexual position imaginable!”
“Wow, Bob! Did you get oral too?”, Dan asks.
“Oh, no.” Bob replies, “I never found her head.”

Oh. sick.

I have memorized it.

…He probably got some throat action though.

If you’re not smilin’ yet, @adri027, try this

When u haz a paper jam…
call teh expertz.

(NOW are you giggling?)

I go here when I have the sadface.

Oh, the Dance Fail! Thanks, @asmonet, my second-best laugh of the day (and I have had four great laughs today).

:D

keep going, then visit lolcats and loldogs at the top, genius. I love macros.

A forty year old man and a ten year old boy are walking into a forest late at night. The little boy looks up at the man and says, “Mister, I’m scared!”
The man replies, ”You’re scared? I have to walk out of these woods alone!”

If this doesnt make you laugh, your dead on the inside.

Good to see that I’m very much alive inside. Pretty damn funny!

uberbatman: I must be dead inside.
jeruba: I’ve seen that before but, that cat is pretty intersting.
asmonet: haha what happened?
astrochuck: pretty good jokes.

One more.

This guy hasn’t been feeling great so he decides to go to the doctor’s office for an exam.
Well, the doctor walks into the room and starts to examine the guy.
“So Doc, whadya think?”
The doctor says, “Well, Mr. Williams, you got to stop masturbating.”
“Why is that?”, William asks.
The doctor replies, “Because I’m trying to exam you.”

My husband just showed me this video.

Best man

I enjoyed it!

Try these on for size;

Spoilers
Play-time
Barrel Roll

AC, that last joke elicited a laugh from me. “Because I’m trying to examine you.” Awesome joke, I got to remember that one.

here’s a joke my friend sent me…
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, “you gave me too much money.” I said, “Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.” She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.” The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “its open!” His reply, “I know. I already got that side.”

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us… and the scary part is that they VOTE and
they REPRODUCE !

Long ago I used to work nights at Safeway cleaning up the meat department (nasty job!). This one evening I’m behind the counter cleaning, wearing my bloody apron, and sporting a baseball cap with the Safeway logo on it, as I usually did, when a customer was motioning to me. I slid the plexiglass partition open in order to hear what the guy wanted. He asked me, “Excuse me, but do you work here?”
For a moment I thought of giving a smartass answer but decided against it.

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of encylcopedias
Great Condition.
No longer needed.
Got married…And the witch knows EvErYtHinG!

@astrochuck: I probably would have told him:

“No, this is where I bring the bodies.”

Then again I have no delay between thought and speech.

Your wee woman goes into the butchers shop and say’s to the butcher ” Have you got a sheeps head? ”
And the butcher replies ” No love it’s just the way I part my hair! ”

ah Astrochuck you crack me up every time.

@AstroChuck – It takes a LOT to come up with a sick, twisted joke even I haven’t heard before, and you did it like 3 or 4 times in one thread, kudos (and lurve). I’ll try to outsick you.

A guy walks into a whorehouse, lays down 10 grand and says to the Madame “give me your best girl”. She heads upstairs, and the guy sees a bowl of fruit on the table and figures it’s there for the taking, and he’s going to need the energy. Turns out it’s a bowl of tomatoes, and he figures, “unorthodox, but what the hell.” So he grabs one and takes a big bite. Just as he does, a beautiful huge breasted blonde descends the steps, takes one look at him, screams her head off and runs back up the stairs. He swallows his bite of tomato without even tasting it and drops the rest on the floor where it splatters. Undaunted, he grabs another tomato, and just as he’s taking a bite, the most beautiful brunette he’s ever seen comes down the stairs, takes one look at him, screams like she’s being murdered and runs on up the stairs. The man does the same thing, gulps down his bite without even tasting it, drops the rest and wonders what the hell is going on. He is just about to get the Madame but then he says, I’ll give her one more chance, and after he relaxes a bit, he grabs another tomato, starts to bite, and just then the most incredibly hot redhead he’s ever seen comes walking down the stairs, only to take one look at him, scream her head off and turn tail back up the steps. Again, bite goes down untasted, tomato hits the floor. He gets up and is just about to march up the steps when the Madame comes down, hollering at him. “What the HELL are you doing to my girls? They’re up there, catatonic, unable to speak, just shaking.” This makes him downright irate, “listen here HONEY. I ain’t done a DAMN thing to your gals, I come in here, lay down 10 grand, and what do I get? I sit down to snack on those tomatoes to give me some stamina so I get my money worth, and…” At this point she cuts him off…“tomatoes? From that table over there?” “Yes, those tomatoes, and damnit, every time I try to bite into one, I get some crazy bitch screaming her head off at me…” “Well I think I can explain,” she says, ” those aren’t tomatoes…those are last week’s abortions.”

@dalepetrie dude, that is some sick shit.

Well, I didn’t think it could be done but you’ve out grossed-me.

Thank you very much, I’ll be here all week.

Peter Sellers’s Clouseau on the parallel bars. Gets me every time.

www.fmylife.com this site has become a routine thing I read now every day when I wake up… I find myself always laughing out loud when I read some of these short little problems people have. I think you should laugh at this.

A man dies and is brought in to the mortuary. He is wearing a very nice expensive black suit. The mortician asks the wife if she would like to leave him in the suit. The wife says that she thinks he looks the best in blue and gives the mortician a blank check saying it doesn’t matter how much it costs but can you please put my husband in a blue suit. When the wife returns her deceased husband is in a rather nice blue suit which seems as though it fits him perfectly. She tells the mortician that whatever it cost it was worth it because he looks so great. The mortician, to the wifes surprise, gives back the blank check saying it didn’t cost a thing. The wife asks how this is so. The mortician explains…. “Well just after you brought your husband in, another deceased man about the same size as your husband was brought in wearing this beautiful blue suit. I asked the widow if she minded her husband being buried in a black suit instead and she said it really didn’t make a difference to her. So I just swapped the heads.”

What is the definition of a friend?
Someone who knows everything about you, and still likes you.

A man comes home to his wife and shows her his new tatoo…it’s on his penis and it says “I Love You.” The wife looks at him and says, “stop trying to put words in my mouth.”