I’ve been having a problem like this, and I asked a similar question. What I’ve found is that the frequency varies depending on the couple. The problem is when partners are mismatched, and the mismatch can go either way. This was news to me—I had thought there were no women who liked sex as much as I did.
Later on, the concensus seemed to be that my libido was a result of two things. First, a kind of emotional distancing between me and my wife that had been growing for a long time (8 years). Second, and this was a wildcard, it turned out that I was experiencing a manic episode in what was later diagnosed as bipolar disorder.
One of the things that can happen in manic people is that they can get very, very interested in sex, and this can lead them to seek it out, and do it in dangerous ways. So, I found myself doing that, and it was very uncharacteristic behavior on my part, and scary, and that started me seeing a few doctors. Unfortunately, no one sent me to a shrink at that point.
In therapy, my therapist has confirmed that, for me, sex is about connection. I crave connection—the sense of being so close to someone else that I am them. It may come from a sense of isolation as a child, a lack of any positive feedback, and a lack of affection.
On drugs, my libido has diminished a bit. But I don’t know what an appropriate level of libido is. I’m still fantasizing about meeting someone with a libido like mine. I won’t do that because I have too much to lose (kids, wife, financial security, etc.) My point is that the thoughts haven’t gone away.
All right. Take home lessons. It does no good to think about what is a normal amount of sex. You either want more, less, or the same, but the point is you’re not getting what you want in this important area of life.
What should you do about it? You can separate from your partner and find someone like me (you lose much, but it is the ethical way to seek what you want). You can have affairs (cheating is almost universally frowned upon—it hurts you and your partner, supposedly). You can work on it with your partner (this is the hardest and most long term way of dealing with it, and yet if preserves everything you have built in a relationship, and may improve it, so you get what you want).
My wife and I have been in couples therapy. In the beginning, I said I wanted sex every night. She said she wanted it once a week. We tried three times a week, but that didn’t work for her, so we seem to have compromised, unofficially, at two times some weeks, and one time other weeks. I do some things she wants (more non-sexual affection), and we try to spend more time together, communicating.
I’m better off that I was. Not as well off as I want to be. Still, it is so much better. Also, I discovered that she actually does love me. I hadn’t known that. It make an enormous difference.
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