General Question

rossi_bear's avatar

Does your mom and dad favor one kid more then the rest?

Asked by rossi_bear (753 points ) December 22nd, 2008

My mom and dad favor my brother much more then they do my sister and I. he gets everything while us girls get nothing. how do you handle it? what is the best way to make parents realize what they are doing?

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33 Answers

dynamicduo's avatar

Nope. My parents treated both of us the same. This didn’t stop my sister from competing against me, even when I was not competing with her. I guess she just needed to forge her own path even if doing it my way was easiest.

rossi_bear's avatar

@ dynamicduo.. you are lucky!! at least your parents treated you both the same.

wundayatta's avatar

I know it seems unfair, and it is unfair. Life, however, isn’t fair. Interestingly, each of my siblings think the others got the benefit of parental largesse. My brother got my Mom’s attention. My sister got my Dad’s attention, and I, being the oldest, was deemed able to care for myself.

I don’t think there’s anything you can do, other than to live life as best you can. Complaining won’t help. Being a good member of the family won’t help. Just tell yourself, “life isn’t fair” and let it go. Live your life the best you know how, and give yourself the positive feedback you need.

I wish I’d known this. I don’t know if it would have helped, but I might have had a better chance. It took me until I was 28 to learn to appreciate my own work, and that lasted only another 22 years. Now all the old problems are back, and much worse (but that’s because I have bipolar disorder).

erincollins's avatar

My parents favor my brother over me and it was hard when I lived at home, but when you move out it’s really not that big of a deal anymore….. I don’t know i guess I’m just okay with it. I’m so different from them and my brother is like their little clone.

rossi_bear's avatar

@daloon.. thank you!! see they brought him a house and so many trucks and so much more. still to this day they still give him a christmas stocking. and he is 30.

rossi_bear's avatar

@erincollins… i totally hear ya!!! i just feel that is not right for them to do this. they still gave birth to us too. sorry that you have the same problem. i have been moved out of my parents for much longer then he has. and still he gets everything. some days i just want to disown them. i don’t talk to my brother any more because of the this they let him get away with things. and the way he treats us girls. it is just not right for the parents to do this. my brother also caused a fight with me this summer and grabbed me and pushed me and kicked in my window of my van. and my parents just chalked it up.

erincollins's avatar

Also if your parents don’t see it as favoritism then don’t even try to talk about it. I wrote my parents a letter telling them that it hurt my feelings when they chose to pay for my brother’s trip to Germany and support him while he was there rather than help me pay for my wedding….yea that was rough… My Parents didn’t talk to me for months! We talk now but it’ll never be the same. I know what you mean the best thing you can do is if you have kids don’t treat them the way your parents treated you.

miasmom's avatar

I think the best thing to take from this situation is how you will in turn treat your own kids. And hopefully the cycle won’t perpetuate! :)

bythebay's avatar

Maybe your parent’s favor the child that they feel “needs” more attention – for whatever reason. I’m not saying it’s fair, but it may be their perception that he needs them more than you & your sister.

rossi_bear's avatar

@erin. sorry to hear that,. yes i don’t teat my kids that way that is for sure! i told my mom what was going on and she doesn’t seem to see it. they have been doing it so long(since he was born) that they just don’t see what they have done to us girls.

rossi_bear's avatar

@miasmom.. there is no way i would do that to my kids. they are all treated equal.

wundayatta's avatar

I don’t know. I want to treat my kids equally, but they are two different people, with different needs and interests, growing up at different times. Since they aren’t the same, I can’t treat them the same. All I know is that I’m doing the best I can. I’m sorry if they think I favored one over the other.

rossi_bear's avatar

@bythebay.. no, it is just they don’t realize what they are doing. he makes the most money and they still choose to be the way they are. he is no different then us. just he makes more money. and everything is just handed to him and his kids, while my sisters kids and mine go without.

rossi_bear's avatar

@daloon… it is not that i think, it is the way it is. i am glad to hear that you are doing the right thing with your kids. please don’t ever make them think one is better then the other.

saranwrapper's avatar

oh I’m totally the favorite. I’m also the family fuck up though. Somehow it all works in perfect harmony. The harmony being that my brother Alex is not nearly as adored.

rossi_bear's avatar

@saranwrapper.. how do you think your brother feels about that?

KatawaGrey's avatar

I think different people may define favoritism in different ways. I am an only child but my mother is the youngest is of three sisters. According to her, my grandfather raised her and her oldest sister, Alice, and my grandmother raised Deb, the middle sister. My mother has a terrible relationship with my grandmother and has always had a terrible relationship with my grandmother. She says that my grandmother gave Deb all the attention growing up and that Deb was the favorite. However, she never once has mentioned that my grandfather may have given most of his attention to my mother and Alice. Maybe this is true, maybe it is not, but the only perspective I know of is my mother’s just as it is her only perception. I’m not saying there isn’t such a thing as favoritism, I have observed this as well. What I am saying is that the only perception you have is your own. Maybe your siblings see it differently.

rossi_bear's avatar

@ katawagray… i hear what you are saying. but my sister feels the same way i feel. that is why i asked about how do deal with it. we have told our mom but she don’t see it. it has been going on for so long it is hard for her to see it.

tinyfaery's avatar

My theory has always been that parents favor the neediest child; at least while the kids are young. As adults, I think the kid that spends the most time with the parents is favored.

rossi_bear's avatar

@tinyfaery… i could understand if he was but he is not.

binary's avatar

My sister is annoying and, well, is a typical spoiled teenage girl. I’m a bit less needy, I have better manners and excel at what I do. I wish my parents didn’t play favorites, they try not to show it I guess but it’s rather obvious.

rossi_bear's avatar

@binary.. i totally know what you mean!! sorry they do this to you too!!

galileogirl's avatar

Very likely what some people perceive as favoritism is the role that one as given in the family. There is the responsible one, often the oldest, the maverick, the creative one, the artistic one, the smart one, the cute one, the flake etc. As a former “Daddy’s girl” and “little mother”, I was always jealous of my “talented” younger sister who got recognized for doing fun things while I got praised for my work ethic. She felt I was closer to my parents. It is all in one’s perception, rarely in based fact

rossi_bear's avatar

@galileogirl… if you knew my parents and the way they are as i have stated some of the facts above then you would see what i am saying. and they are facts.

tinyfaery's avatar

When I say neediest I mean the kid that is least likely to be able to handle life.

Story: My parents gave much more to my sister than I, both monetarily and emotionally. They are still giving her money to help her with her kids. I was out of the house at 17 and haven’t asked them for shit since. However, my parents have more respect for me and treat me like an adult.

cak's avatar

Growing up, my older sister demanded more attention. In high school, she started abusing drugs and running away…she’s also was diagnosed as bipolar. All of my life, she’s always garnered more attention, more care…and needed more. I graduated top of my class, from high school and was incredibly successful in college. What did I get? Not much from my parents. My sister, got her GED. What did she get? $1,000 and a few other things. They were just so damn happy that she finished something. It hurt, but I didn’t dwell on it and moved on.

Did they favor her more? Doubtful. She wore them out, still can, still does. Do they love us the same? Yes.

What I didn’t always understand, the lack of attention, because they trusted me, wasn’t meant to be mean. It was because they trusted me. I was a Daddy’s girl – when I got the attention and very much his little sports fanatic, so we had things in common. My mother and I had a very typical relationship – ups and downs.

What I think happens, sometimes, is we fail to remember that they were new at this, too. The first one comes along…its trial and error. The second one may be a bit more smooth sailing. If one proves to be more challenging for some reason, then of course, someone suffers. I doubt it’s because that is what a parent wants, it is just the best they can do. Some parents are equipped with the “perfect” way to balance or express their love. My parents were never shown love. Well, my father was, to a point. Not my mother. Not at all. She wasn’t raised to be nurturing, loving, caring or even kind, for that matter. Yet she soared high above what her parents taught her. Some parents set out to want children and then when they have them, they are at a loss.

I have two children, 9 years apart. Boy and a girl. The boy had cancer, the girl just broke her leg. Do I favor one over the other, at times, I’m sure I do – but I show my love equally. Of course there are days when my son gets more praise than my daughter. There are days when my daughter receives far more praise than my son. It is inevitable. My children are equal, though and they know that. Outside of my husband, those two are the most important people in my life and they know this – I’d do anything the world for them.

I have my shortcomings, but always try to show them fair and equal love, I don’t struggle with that part, at all.

If you need to talk to them about the unfairness that you feel is going on, just be sure to be clear about it. Weigh how important it really is to you and follow your heart. Remember, though, parents are perfect.

tinyfaery's avatar

@cak It’s good to know that you love your kids so much. However, one parent’s experience does not mean all parents are the same. Children easily pick-up on discrepancy. And whether or not we as adults perceive our parents to have been fair, a child can and does experience the sting of inequality.

rossi_bear's avatar

@cak.. thank you for your answer!! and tinyfaery.. i see what you are saying too. thank you!

cak's avatar

@tinyfaery – I understand, believe me. I was the one on the short end of the stick, as a child. Not all situations allow for us to see the big picture, if it was just truly out of lack of ability to raise more than one in an equal way. I understand, I’ve just seen a lot of people complain when truly, their parents were doing the best that they could. I’m not discounting the pain, I have a list that is all too easy to recall, but I’ve run into some that turn it into these huge issues and later say, “damn, they really were just doing the best that they could do.”

One in particular, when she was born, they were poor. By the time the little sister came around, money was flowing and things were different. She saw everything the little sister had, from day one, as a slight. There were a lot of problems between her and her sister and the parents – huge mess. Only when her mother was dying, did she realize that when they were poor – every single extra penny was spent on her. Sad.

rossi_bear's avatar

@cak.. awww that is sad!!! sorry to hear that.

saranwrapper's avatar

@rossi bear I really don’t think he minds, he’s the well adjusted one.

mireland's avatar

My mom treats us both the same and my dad favors my sister over me. Why is that?

mireland's avatar

So… I just try to get attention

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