To wait or not to wait?

How old are each of you? How close geographically?

Maybe he is just scared to meet you face to face. He could have insecurites and maybe he wants to work on his appearance before he sees you? I dunno. If it’s that stressful on you I would say move onto someone in your town. Online relationships make me nervous… both of my parents are divorced or in the process of being divorced from marriages that started online.

He lives 30 mins away,im 25 hes 26….

@devilsadvocate

30 min away? geez, that’s like nothing really.

You MUST meet him. Seriously, waiting is not an option here. With that short of a distance, there is virtually no excuse for you guys not to meet. I don’t know about the “anxiety attacks” but he may be hiding something if he’s so weird about meeting you.

Give him a choice and say that you can’t wait, you either meet him REALLY soon (and plan on a date) or move onto someone else. If he can’t meet you, then he’s not worth your time.

Whatever you do… make sure you meet him for the first few times in a public place. Be carefull hon. Pyschos can tell you lies for a very long time to gain your trust. He may be dangling an anxiety issue in front of you to make you feel more secure around him.

I lived with a guy for over 6 months before I found out what a monster he actually was. I still have the scars to show for my mistake.

seekingwolf- yeah i was thinking of saying that to him only i didnt want to seem harsh or pushy if its a genuine reason..

If you really like him, why not give him another chance for meeting up (in a reasonable time frame like in the next two months or something), if he blows it again or gets weird – don’t bother. BUT I have to say that setting up a meeting and then suddenly calling it off because of anxieties/phobias he never previously mentioned in the four months you talked to each other sounds a bit fishy to me.

Edit_ Just read that you live 30 min from each other. Set up a meeting in the next two weeks and do it in a casual public place like a cafe since he sounds a bit like a weirdo to me. There’s no excuse for not meeting up if you live so close to each other. If he can go out with his friends, he surely can cope with meeting someone he has talked for four months on the phone.

@devils

Well, it’s exactly right…because it’s the truth and it’s what you need to do. You really need to be honest with the guy.

I’m sorry but the calling it off thing with some weird phobia sounds weird to me (I’m with elmagico on that one there!). It shows that he’s comfortable with just pushing the meeting date farther and farther. Don’t let that happen.

elmagico-he said he didnt like crowds,but thats the only hint i got really…looks as though im going to have to give an ultimatum eventually anyway though ;os

He may not like crowds, but that doesn’t mean you should meet him alone. You can meet him with a few friends, but please.. don’t go alone!!

scamp-i mean in relation to him having a phobia, i would never meet anyone alone like that ;o)

It is also possible that he is married, or in a committed relationship. People often lie about such things. Be very, very careful – however you proceed.

augustlan has a very good point there!!

yeah i know ive thought about it,but the amount of time he spends in contact with me…i dont know.

Caution, caution, caution…

And you may be sure that his friends are warning him, too.

You can’t draw any conclusions from his anxiety. Maybe he is enthusiastic when he’s drunk and worried when he’s sober. Maybe he has an unstable personality. Maybe he is just overweight. I’d say chances are the anxiety business is true because it is not the sort of thing you make up as an excuse if it isn’t. Much easier to say anything from “I have to work” to “I broke my leg” to “I have to take care of my mother/baby sister/ex-wife’s pet gorilla.”

First meetings with people you’ve only pictured in your mind are always a big shock. Sometimes you get past it and sometimes you don’t. Have you exchanged photos? People like to think they’re being their real selves (and others are) without the “mask” of physical appearance, but unless you are never going to meet, physical appearance matters.

oh yes,we’ve done pics and webcam to..he knows i really like him and find him attractive…i dont know really,i believe he is too nervous or anxious or whatever you want to call it…its wheather i wait or not.

@scamp I had the same thing happen, only it was 7 months before I knew what a monster he was.
I have a friend who had an on line relationship for months with a guy and he kept wanting to meet and then backing off for various reasons. It turns out, he was 30 years older than he had told her he was. He had sent pictures of himself when he was 30 years younger, carefully cropped so you couldn’t tell what year it was taken in.

@krose, are you saying that each of your parents is married to someone (not each other) that they met online and that now they are both divorced or divorcing?

After my parents divorced they both met someone online and got married separately.

@chyna I’m sorry that you know my pain….literally!

The more devilsadvocate tells us about this guy, the more skeptical I become. She almost sounds the woman who shows up at an abuse shelter refusing to press charges because she loves him. It sounds like he has given her enough of a line to make her really excited to meet him, and now he is pulling strings to make that meeting a one on one scenario, which doesn’t sound very safe to me.

@devilsadvocate Please… remember one thing. You know nothing about this guy. You only think you know him because of what he has told you online. Do not under any circustances drop your guard with this guy.

You run the show. Don’t let this guy talk you inot meeting him in the shadows. If something seems creepy to you, trust your instincts, not his lines. Do not allow him to sweet talk you into doing anything unsafe. If he really cares about you, he will understand. If he has qualms about meeting you in a coffee shop with a few friends.. drop him like a hot potato and ruuuunnnnn!!

amen sista. amen.

okay scamp,ive been in that sort of relationship before,been there,got the t.shirt,didnt care for the fit of it and threw it away…no worries there…he isnt trying to get me to meet him alone,hes trying to avoid or delay meeting me a.t.m,period.
It goes without saying we would meet in a very public place,that is common sense and he agrees with this

Ok, but something still sounds fishy if it was his idea to meet in the first place, and now he is hesitant. If you proceed, do so with caution, and stay safe! Good Luck to you hun.

If he is this scared to meet you then this is just a sign of things to come. He will be scared to interview for a job, order a pizza, take up for you, etc. You eventually wouldn’t respect him. Get a man who isn’t so wimpy.

He could actually have an anxiety disorder that he is being treated (or not) for.

I believe that there are a higher percentage of people with social and psychological problems on the net. It’s easier for people like me to reach out to others here, than in real life. Most of the people I have really connected with have been depressed or mentally ill, too. This, I do not believe, is coincidence.

I’m not saying everyone is weird who meets others through the net, just that a higher proportion of them are, compared to the rest of society.

So this makes me suspect that he may be telling the truth about anxiety. He is probably scared to death that you are stalking him in some way.

I know that when I met someone through a website like this one, I was half prepared to be abducted and locked in her basement. It turned out ok, though. She is now a very good friend—she was able to help me through my first experience with deep depression, because she’s been depressed for decades.

Then again, I was crazy when I met her. Certifiably. I argued with myself internally—running through all the arguments about why I thought she was genuine, and all the arguments for her running a scam. In the end, I decided I could trust her, and that my judgement was sound.

My sense is that is a good thing to do. Think about all the things you know about the person, and whether they hang together. After writing and talking and videoing to each other, you should have a very good sense of whether he’s legit. I don’t believe people can keep up some kind of con for that long. If he’s told you details about his life, his family, his work, or whatever, and it’s all consistent, then you can be fairly confident he’s on the up and up.

If things don’t hang together, then trust that instinct, too, and withdraw.

If you do meet, a public place is safer, but you know that.

Here’s the problem. For all you can find out via internet and voice and video, there is so much more to a person, and you have no idea what you are missing. In person meetings tell you vast amounts more about a person than any kind of internet contact. So don’t fool yourself that you know him if you haven’t met him. You don’t. You really, really, don’t.

You know only a small part of him. Now, the rest may fit in with what you know, or it may not. Just be prepared to find out more. Listen to the women who have lived with men for six months, and have still not known them. When you only see someone part of the time, you can’t know them. You have to see them 95% of the time for months, before you can really know them. The internet fools us into thinking we know people. As I wrote elsewhere, it is seditious that way. You only know a little bit. Be cautious until you know a lot more.

Great post daloon!!

I don’t think it is that big of a thing, necessarily. I have on occasion postponed first dates and expert interviews for research, because I got nervous and wanted some more time to prep myself. I am by no means a weirdo, nor do I lack confidence. If you have been talking to the guy a lot over the phone and obviously you both like each other, the first meeting is a big thing! It can make or break the relationship. As long as it never moves onto the ‘real life’ stage, then no one can get too hurt. So I can see why he might be really nervous and then try to postpone and come up with a lame excuse. Meeting on new years eve the first time is also tough, I’d make it more casual like a coffee or a picnic, less pressure.
As has been suggested, tell him you want to meet now and set a date. The sooner the better, there is no reason to carry this relationship on any farther through the online world.
And if he truly has a phobia of people and really cant meet you, don’t wait for him. You are young and don’t need to be bothered with such a complicated relationship.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!

@tessa: I’m not sure I understood you right, but I was wondering how you would conduct research on the guy (if that’s what you meant)?

@daloon: Guess I wasn’t that clear. I do research for work by conducting interviews with experts, not related to dating, but an example of canceling a standing appointment out of nervousness.