General Question

nikipedia's avatar

Do you want to know why people reject you?

Asked by nikipedia (27327 points ) January 14th, 2009

If you’re casually dating someone and s/he chooses to stop seeing you, do you want to know why?

On the one hand, it seems useful to have feedback like that so you can change whatever caused the issue. On the other, you can’t please everyone, and should you really change yourself to make other people happy? And of course it always sucks to get criticized….

On the other side of the equation, if someone asked you why you wanted to stop seeing him/her, would you tell the truth?

Have you been in either situation? What happened?

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29 Answers

JoeyDesignsStuff's avatar

I prefer to know. I’ve been on both sides of dealing cruel honesty, and it sucks, but I think it would be worse to be left in the dark.

EmpressPixie's avatar

Usually I’d like to know why. I’m probably not going to change myself, but if I thought things were going well and they weren’t, I want to know what happened that we had such different ideas. If we both thought things were going poorly, I don’t really need an explanation, I guess.

I would tell the truth. I’ve always been told the truth, even when it was “you’re over 1,000 miles away and this other girl wants to go out with me tomorrow.” And I’ve always appreciated that about my partners.

emilyrose's avatar

I TOTALLY want to know! But sometimes I figure it out myself (or at least I think I do) and wish that I wasn’t judged on that one mistake…..

aprilsimnel's avatar

I’d prefer to know. I’ll get insight, in any event, whether it’s about something I haven’t seen in myself that could use some examination or something about him that I’ll know to look for and avoid the next time. And I’d tell the truth if the situation was reversed.

kevbo's avatar

It’s been a long time since that happened, but I’d have to say that anymore I don’t care all that much. I’m stubborn, a perfectionist, a depressive at times, and I’ve spent too much time in the past keeping bad relationships on life support. (I’m told I have good qualities, too.) I know that I’m capable of totally turning some women on and that others aren’t going to be all that into me no matter what I do, so if they’re not into me, there’s less incentive to be concerned about their opinion.

robmandu's avatar

Welp, in my experience, you generally already know what’s wrong with yourself. The major stuff anyway. So, from that perspective, you should continuously be working on those deficient areas to improve. Do it for yourself. Not for someone else.

Otherwise, there are minor/subtle elements of your personality that some people just can’t get down with. They might not see them early in a relationship. They emerge or are noticed over time. Those are harder to spot and describe. Those things you might not know about yourself. You often can’t see them. And your s.o. can’t either… they end up complaining about the effects of those personality elements. And that just makes you defensive.

In short, improve where you know you need to. Don’t sweat the rest of it. Be happy with who you are now because you’ve incorporated an improvement process.

cyndyh's avatar

I’d want to know because then I’d be sure to have a clear idea of whether it’s worth concerning myself with that person’s opinion. If they give a stupid reason then it’s no loss to me. If I ask and they refuse to give a reason or give me the run-around then they’re just too chicken-shit to deal like an adult, so it’s also no loss.

But I would ask. Otherwise a part of me would always wonder if it was some strange misunderstanding.

Jack79's avatar

Yes I would want to know, and the paradox is I’d want the whole truth and nothing but the truth. When it comes to telling someone else though, I’d really try to avoid the issue, or be as kind as possible. In most cases there is simply no chemistry, and it’s nobody’s fault. But imagine if the other person has bad breath or smelly armpits (or is simply bad in bed). You can’t really tell them, can you?

jca's avatar

I would want to know, otherwise i would be wondering was it me, was it them, was it something i should know about that i don’t see in myself, or is it that this person has other interests (romantic or otherwise) that are something other than what i am. i am not saying i would change for a person, but i would always be open to suggestions, and if things were going well and i got suddenly dumped, yes, i would be curious.

robmandu's avatar

Oh, I did it again. Made my point without actually making my point.

As far as relationships go – meaning you’ve been in one and are now breaking up – I posit that there is nothing wrong with you. Unless you’re crazy psycho. But, @niki, you’re not crazy psycho.

If you’re able to engage in a relationship, then obviously you’ve got your pit stains and halitosis under control. It’s the subtle aspects of your personality that simply might not be compatible with another person.

And trying to nail those down definitively is, I think, a futile effort. (At least, it’s futile to attempt it with the breakup person. You do much better, IMO, to try to get that feedback from your non-romantic friends).

Plus, nothing sounds quite so whiny as, “What’s wrong with me? How can I change…?” [ replacing the ellipsis with an implied “so that you’ll want to be with me again”. Even if you don’t intend to imply that, it’s still kinda hangin’ out there. ]

Anyways, I think you’re the effin’ bomb.

wundayatta's avatar

I always tried to find out, but the answers didn’t often make sense to me. I don’t remember anyone trying to find out from me, but then, a lot of the time, I was the one being dumped, or it was a mutual thing so they either knew, or had no incentive to find out what I thought. In the one case where I was pretty clearly the one to call it off, I remember trying to explain, but since it was a reason I wasn’t proud of (I wasn’t attracted to her any more, and I’d found someone who I really was attracted to), I’m not sure how much of it I told her. I probably didn’t say that I no longer found her attractive.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Upon re-reading your question, I saw the word “casual.” I don’t know how much my answers still hold, but I don’t think I’ve ever had a casual relationship. It’s either been going on one or two dates, in which case I just chalked it up to no chemistry, or they were long-term relationships and there were deeper issues by the end, and I felt that coming clean on them was important.

Never mind!
/Emily Litella

jessturtle23's avatar

I have rejected guys and guys have rejected me. My girlfriends and I always wonder why when it happens to us but we have to remind ourselves about all the times we have done it to someone else. Yeah, I would like to know why I was rejected and I think most people would.

Judi's avatar

I am so glad I’m out of the dating scene. That is a hard life! I had forgotten.

loser's avatar

Yeah, I want to know. I appreciate the feedback.

Sloane2024's avatar

I’d most definitely want to know, especially if we’d had contrasting ideas of the state of the relationship. I’ve never been given a straightforward, absolute truth answer by whomever I was dating at the time… Mostly because they never wanted to hurt my feelings, I guess, but, if I were the one ending things and if the other person wanted to know, I’d tell them…. It sucks to have no explanation…

augustlan's avatar

Casual relationships don’t really call for an explanation…I’d just assume we didn’t click. In serious relationships, I’d want to know (and always did know and/or tell). Often times, there’s no one thing to put your finger on. It just boils down to ‘you’re not the one for me.’

Great tags, by the way!

cak's avatar

I only wanted to know in a more serious relationship. Like augustlan, if it was casual- no, I didn’t ask. It was casual, I didn’t need to dissect the reason.

tinyfaery's avatar

Yep. What augustlan said.

DrBill's avatar

I think it is best to know, it may be something your totally unaware of, or an easy change. I would not change anything that makes me, me.

KatawaGrey's avatar

I think I’d like to know in some cases. If it’s something huge about myself that is not an inherently negative thing (like my being a vegetarian or having many more male friends than female friends) then I would want to know only to be able to avoid people like this in the future.

At the risk of sounding arrogant, when guys have broken up with me or not wanted to continue going out, it’s been because of a problem they’ve had. One guy decided my best friend was hotter, one guy said the chemistry wasn’t right (which means he wasn’t in love with me after 2 weeks), one guy didn’t like that I spoke to other men. In these cases, i wouldn;t want to know why they broke up with me.

augustlan's avatar

I’d like to ammend my answer a little bit. If it happened to me a lot (even casual relationships), I’d probably start asking. I’d wonder if I was doing something to unintentionally push people away, or if some aspect of my personality needed some serious work. It would be just for purposes of self-knowledge, and possibly self-improvement.

Lightlyseared's avatar

No. Their loss.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

I really find it impossible to honestly tell the guy why I don’t want to be with him. Plus it’s not usually something “fixable” – it’s more likely to be something like:

“I find you irritating. Nothing specific about you, but kind of everything, the way your voice sounds, and the things you talk about. I’m just not that interested. And I’m not really thrilled about the way you smell. No, it’s not bad at all, I can tell you shower. The smell, it just doesn’t do anything for me. Plus you’re not visually appealing to me. All in all, you’re just getting on my nerves. Okay, so, bye! Have a nice life!”

I’m just not the type of person who could ever say that to someone. So instead I say,

“I just need to focus on school right now. I thought I could handle both, but, you know, I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

windex's avatar

me: Can you please tell me?

*silence

me: could you at least tell me…? :*(

*silence

end

tara3845's avatar

My feelings of rejects steam from my childhood so when I feel it as an adult I still feel the hurt as a child. But then I remember that thats all it is so I move on and feel better cos I can put it aside.

GlycerineSupernova's avatar

people really dont reject me im just sweet and kind to them and that never gives them a reason to

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

No. I reject preemptively. You can’t be rejected if you don’t give anyone the chance to reject you.

windex's avatar

yes

:*(

yes I do

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